Five Athletes that should get ‘Last Dance’ Treatment

Two months into quarantine and things are ever so slightly starting to loosen up. It couldn’t have come at a better time because people are running out of things to do. First we had Tiger King to entertain us during the lockdown, then trash reality tv shows like Love is Blind and Too Hot To Handle shamed us into watching them. Arguably the most enthralling television phenomenon that people around the world followed religiously was The Last Dance, the 10-part documentary chronicling the life and career of the greatest athlete of all-time, Michael Jordan, and the 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls.

The Last Dance was rushed to come out during the lockdown and kept sports and non-sports fans entertained for the last five weeks. The last two episodes of the doc aired Sunday night and now there is an Air Jordan sized hole in the entertainment landscape for the millions of people who are still on lockdown. The natural question following the final episode is “who else could have a Last Dance style documentary?

There are thousands of famous athletes that could and have been subjects of documentaries over the years, but how many of them could live up to Michael Jordan? The answer is not many. Jordan is the most famous athlete of all-time across any sport and took the NBA global in the ’90s. No one would quite have the same allure as Jordan, and most athletes didn’t let a film crew follow them around for a full year to document their final title run.

There would have to be some criteria that athletes would have to meet before we pick which five athletes could have a 10-part documentary about them. First and foremost, the subject athlete would have to still be alive. You need to be able to talk to them and have all-encompassing interviews like the producers had with Jordan for The Last Dance. You wouldn’t want to have to rely on archival interviews and footage for your 10-part project. Unfortunately that crosses off several great candidates including: Muhammad Ali, Jackie Robinson, Babe Ruth, Wilt Chamberlain, and most tragically Kobe Bryant. The other obvious criteria for any documentary is the subject has to have an interesting story. Jordan isn’t just interesting because he was the best, he had a great story. He wasn’t a prodigy, he had to work hard, he didn’t win for years, then became the face of the NBA and basketball around the world, he had the signature shoes, he was in Space Jam, he up and retired at the height of his career, there’s signature games to recall, a cast of characters to interview, and dozens of subplots to bring to light. Would that be the same for say LeBron James? He was a prodigy, has always been the best, didn’t win, made a decision, won some championships and is very famous. Does that sound quite as interesting? No scandals other than his handling of the decision makes him a poor subject for a 10-part series. There would be little to no drama so historically boring guys without great stories like LeBron, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Tim Duncan and others would be out because it would be too boring.

So that leaves us with a slightly shorter list of athletes that could have a The Last Dance type documentary made. Here are my five picks that fit the criteria and could carry a 10-part documentary that people would care about.

 

1.) Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods is probably the only athlete to come close to Jordan’s global popularity in the 21st Century. Woods is arguably the greatest and most important golfer of all-time. He rose to popularity in the mid-to-late 1990’s and was an absolute rock star from 1997-2008. Then it all came crashing down. Most know the story. Woods injured his leg, missed some time on the tour, then all of a sudden his wife was smashing his car with a golf club and we found he he banged every one except that wasn’t his wife while he was married. He had a popularity tailspin, his injuries mounted and most thought he was washed up for the better part of a decade. Then in April of last year, Woods roared back to the forefront and won the Masters, a comeback story for the ages. This documentary would have every element and you have a cast of characters to speak to including Woods, his caddies, others on the tour that he clashed with like Phil Mickelson, maybe coax his ex-wife into an interview, Lindsey Vonn and a whole cast of others along the way. This is the one athlete that I think, if done right, could come close to and possibly eclipse the popularity of The Last Dance.

 

2.) Mike Tyson

Mike Tyson is basically Dennis Rodman level crazy and Michael Jordan level athletic. Tyson was on of the most popular boxers and athletes of all-time during his prime. He was a knockout king, helped make boxing more palatable for the next generation into the ’90s, had his own video game and also had a lot of problems. He was nuts, he bit Evander Holyfield’s ear off, went to jail, his fall in the ring was as fast and shocking as his rise, and there have to be other Tyson stories that we haven’t heard yet that he could shed some light on during the interviews. Aside from Tyson you get Holyfield and other boxers of his era, lug in guys like Don King, the guys from the Hangover, and literally anyone from the ’80s and ’90s to talk about the Tyson era. It would be incredibly funny, dark, and one of the most interesting docu-series’ ever made. The only knock is there is already a Tyson doc, but it’s over 10-years-old and only about 90 minutes long. The more in-depth you get with Tyson, the more exciting little nuggets you will get.

 

3.) Barry Bonds

A Bonds documentary would be the hardest one to get made because it would hinge on him admitting that he did a shit ton of steroids, which he will never do, but the subject is interesting. Bonds is one of the greatest baseball players of all-time and the centerpiece of the biggest scandal in MLB history. He holds records that many in the game don’t acknowledge, and had a horrible relationship with the media and fans during his playing days. For the doc you have Bonds sit down like Jordan, drinking and smoking a big cigar, you somehow get him to open up and press him about the steroids and hopefully he admits what he did. You craft other stories with interviews with the other steroid users from the era including a Rodmanesque appearance from Jose Canseco, talk to Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, ARod, and let them attack Bonds for being the reason they all got caught. Talk to some slimballs from Balco and a bunch of trainers who were around Bonds and injected him or watched him do steroids and pin him down. This would be a pretty combative documentary but if he finally admits it, the 10-part series could be groundbreaking.

 

4.) Brett Favre

Trust me, a Favre documentary would be better than you think. His life and career have a lot more layers and most fans remember. He was incredibly popular in the ’90s and arguably the face of the league for a few years. Favre was a lot of fun for Packers fans and many other fans to root for, and is now almost a punchline 10 years after his career ended. A Favre doc could get into his early career and trade to the Packers, his rise to success and fame, addiction and rehab, comeback and Super Bowl win, Monday Night Football game after his dad died, eventual demise in Green Bay and feud with Aaron Rodgers, retirement saga, resurfacing with the Jets and then Vikings, almost taking Minnesota to a Super Bowl, iron man starting streak, subsequent sexual harassment accusations, and many other storylines. We get absolute gold during our interviews with Favre himself on his farm/ranch in Mississippi. Talk to his teammates and coaches (especially Mike Holmgren), get some good perspective from his wife, and bring in John Madden to just jerk him off for ten hours. Favre is simultaneously one of the most exciting, maddening, fun, and tragic figures in NFL history and would make for a surprisingly deep 10-part documentary.

 

5.) Bill Russell

We need someone to round out the list who wasn’t at the height of their career during the ’90s. Bill Russell retired over 50 years ago, but his impact on the NBA and sports is still being felt. Russell is one of the five greatest basketball players of all-time and led the Boston Celtics to 11 championships, making him the greatest winner in basketball history. Russell played in an era where Black players were treated like second class citizens, and had to fight just to be respected. He was integral in the civil rights movement and one of the most important activists of his time. Russell would have great perspective on the entire history of the NBA, and it would be incredible to hear what he has to say about his fellow NBA super stars like Wilt Chamberlain, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, and LeBron James. You get other NBA legends talking about how Russell was the gold standard and motivated them to win. Get interviews with other activists from the time and talk about his activism. Even though most young sports fans might not have the same relationship with Russell as they do with Michael Jordan, Russell’s story is one worth telling.

 

Some honorable mentions who didn’t quite make the cut included: Hank Aaron, Lawrence Taylor, Willie Mays, Magic Johnson, Jim Brown, Kareem-Abdul Jabbar, Serena Williams, Michael Phelps, and Deion Sanders.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The New and Improved Monstars

In quarantine these days the 1990s are seemingly cool again, and especially ’90s basketball. Everyone in the world is fawning all over Michael Jordan and the Bulls while watching each episode of The Last Dance like it’s the Super Bowl, and the logo for Space Jam 2 was just release. All of this Michael Jordan and Space Jam talk begs the question that’s been burning since the original movie’s release in 1996; were the Monstars really that intimidating?

The little aliens from Moron Mountain came to Earth and stole the talent from five NBA players: Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, Muggsy Bogues, and Shawn Bradley. Those five would make a formidable mid ’90s team, but doesn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of the entire world, let alone Michael Jordan. Of the current Monstars only Sir Charles made an All-NBA team for the 1994-95 season in which the movie takes place (he was second team All-NBA). Barkley was also a Western Conference All-Star that season, with fellow Monstars Patrick Ewing and Larry Johnson being selected to the Eastern Conference team. Muggsy Bogues and Shawn Bradley came no where near any kind of accolades that season. You have to do better than that if you want to beat the greatest player of all-time. So let’s reset the roster and find the players who should have had their talent stolen and see if we can beat some cartoons, Michael Jordan, and Bill Murray at basketball. The only player we will keep from the original five-man roster is Charles Barkley, everyone else gets their mediocre talent back and our alien friends will have to find four more fitting players who are Monstar material.

The first player to be replaced is Shawn Bradley. He didn’t exactly wow any NBA fans in ’95. Bradley averaged 9.5 points, 8 rebounds, and 3.3 blocks per game over the season which is fine, but not quite what we’re looking for. Bradley gets replaced by Dikembe Mutombo. It would be fitting that a bunch of aliens hailing from Moron Mountain would steal the talent of the player nicknamed Mount Mutombo. The 7’2″ center from the Democratic Republic of the Congo averaged a double-double in ’95 putting up 11.5 points, snagging 12.5 boards, and leading the league in blocked shots with 3.9 a game. Mutombo grabbed All-Defensive second-team honors, oh and was named the Defensive Player of the Year in the NBA. Mutombo is a way better choice than lame-ass Shawn Bradley. The only thing cool about Shawn Bradley is that he is 7’6″. Mount Mutombo would be way more fun to watch swatting shots and giving Daffy Duck the patented finger wag afterwards. Can you imagine him hitting on Lola Bunny with the famous “who wants to sex Mutombo” pick-up line. Also imagine Michael Jordan bringing back the eyes closed free throw he mocked Mutombo with in 1991? This is already a way funnier movie and all that had to happen was kick Shawn Bradley to the curb.

Staying in the front-court, Patrick Ewing gets replaced with Shaquille O’Neal. As good as Ewing was in ’95, Shaq was way better. Shaq was an All-Star and made second-team All-NBA. The Big Diesel lead his Orlando Magic to the NBA Finals and even beat Jordan’s Bulls along the way. In just his third year in the league, Shaq was already the most dominant big man averaging 29.3 points and 11.4 rebounds a game. He was already one of the biggest personalities in the league too, and you know you’d love to see a cartoonized Shaq mix it up with Bugs Bunny and the gang. Also Shaq was on his way to becoming the most accomplished actor the NBA has ever seen. He had already been in Blue Chips the year before and Kazaam was released in 1996 a full four months before Space Jam. The last point that cements Shaq’s status as a true Monstar over Ewing is that Shaq never let Michael Jordan dunk his face off like Ewing famously did in the 1991 NBA Playoffs. A front-court with Shaq, Mutombo, and Barkley would be must see entertainment.

Now to the backcourt. Monstars fans, your new starting point guard, replacing Muggsy Bogues, is non-other than Gary Payton. The Glove was an all-star in the Western Conference and picked up second-team All-NBA honors. He is also know as one of the best “Michael Jordan stoppers” of the 1990s. He took his Sonics (RIP) to the finals the next season in ’96 and took the Bulls to six games, guarding Jordan for the last few and causing him to have one of the worst statistical NBA Finals of his career. GP would bring a hard edge to the new Monstars and wouldn’t let his teammates start showboating when the game became kind of one-sided in the first half. Payton was a first team All-Defensive selection in ’95 and you know he would mean mug the shit out of Tweety Bird. The trash talk between Payton and Bill Murray would be legendary.

Speaking of legendary trash talk, the last player to be added to the new Monstars is Reggie Miller, replacing Larry Johnson. Miller made the third-team All-NBA and would bring much needed outside shooting to the Monstars. Miller shot 41.5 percent from three in ’95 and would become the teams outside assassin. While everyone else clogs the lane and crashes the offensive boards, Reggie will just post up in the corner and wait for his teammates to kick the ball out for an easy spot-up three. Miller is also one of the greatest trash talkers in NBA history and would probably flash the choking sign in the direction of Wayne Knight on the bench. Apparently Wayne Knight is the Tune Squad’s Spike Lee, go figure.

So there you have your new Monstars, ready to take over the world with Charles Barkley, Dikembe Mutombo, Shaq, Gary Payton, and Reggie Miller. This new squad has all of the swagger in the world and will probably self-destruct by halftime. The new and improved Space Jam will definitely need to be rated R though because these guys will be dropping F bombs all over the place. Miller or Payton absolutely knockout Granny and start a benches clearing brawl at some point. There is also no way that Michael Jordan appears in this movie because he most likely hates at least three-fifths of the new players. The thing is, Jordan still probably wins this game. The only new Monstar to ever knock Jordan out of the playoffs was Shaq in ’95, and that’s the year Jordan un-retired and re-joined the Bulls for the last few weeks of the regular season and the playoffs, not exactly a straight-up win by any means. So after all of this jerking around, a new and improved Monstar roster, and a much different movie, Michael Jordan still wins and saves the world because Michael Jordan is Thanos, just the other way around, he is inevitable.