We’re a quarter of the way through the 2021-22 NBA season and like any good business, teams are evolving before our eyes. The Warriors’ stock is back to pre-Durant levels, the Suns can’t fucking lose, while the Lakers are just trying to survive the next shareholders meeting. But the fun thing about the NBA is that anything can happen over the next 60-plus games. Teams that have a hot first can still find themselves tanking at the season’s end, middling teams can get hot down the stretch, and injuries can and will wreak havoc on a team’s bottom line. As the calendar flips to December it’s time to buckle down, consolidate power, and for some, it might be time for a blood sacrifice to scrape their way into the play-in tournament.
All great teams need a great coach. To round out our mega-draft we decided to draft 30 legendary coaches, one for each team. We went in reverse order so Michael Jordan doesn’t get everything he wants.
Pick 1: San Antonio Spurs (John): Phil Jackson
Stats: 11 NBA Championships, 1155 Wins
The greatest coach of all time to everyone except Scottie Pippen.
Pick 2: New York Knicks (Phil): Gregg Popovich
Stats: 5 NBA Championships, 1310 Wins
Reigned over the Spurs dynasty for 20 years but hasn’t done much without Tim Duncan.
Pick 3: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Pat Riley
Stats: 5 NBA Championships, 1210 Wins
The true sex appeal of the showtime Lakers in the ’80s.
Pick 4: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Red Auerbach
Stats: 9 NBA Championships, 938 Wins
The Lakers getting the Celtics legend who tormented them 50 years ago is a perfect pick.
Pick 5: Orlando Magic (John): Chuck Daly
Stats: 2 NBA Championships, 638 Wins
Won with the Bad Boy Pistons, he can handle Iverson and Harden.
Pick 6: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Steve Kerr
Stats: 3 NBA Championships, 376 Wins
Leader of the Warriors dynasty walked into a championship team.
Pick 7: Atlanta Hawks (John): George Karl
Stats: 1 Western Conference Championship, 1175 Wins
One of the best coaches to never win a championship.
Pick 8: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): John Kundla
Stats: 4 NBA Championships (1 BAA Championship), 423 Wins
Won five championships before your parents were born.
Pick 9: Los Angeles Clippers (John): K.C. Jones
Stats: 2 NBA Championships, 553 Wins
Led arguably the greatest team ever with the 1986 Celtics, so he knows how to coach a super team.
Pick 10: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Erik Spoelstra
Stats: 2 NBA Championships, 607 Wins
Arguably the most underrated coach ever thanks to LeBron.
Pick 11: Brooklyn Nets (John): Don Nelson
Stats: 0 NBA Championships, 1335 Wins
Uncle Donny is going to start his own grow house on the sidelines of the Barclays Center.
Pick 12: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Larry Brown
Stats: 1 NBA Championship, 1327 Wins
KG is probably going to go full Sprewell and choke the shit out of Larry Brown, and he’ll be out in two years.
Pick 13: Chicago Bulls (John): Lenny Wilkens
Stats: 1 NBA Championship, 1332 Wins
A better coach than a player, and he’s a Hall of Fame player.
Pick 14: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Billy Cunningham
Stats: 1 NBA Championship, 454 Wins
See Lenny Wilkens.
Pick 15: Dallas Mavericks (John): Red Holzman
Stats: 2 NBA Championships, 696 Wins
Mark Cuban is going to love having a coach who doesn’t know what crypto is.
Pick 16: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Jerry Sloan
Stats: 2 Western Conference Championships, 1221 Wins
With Sloan the Warriors will get as close to a championship as a team can without ever actually winning one.
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA (1x All-BAA), Hall of Fame
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry, Zion Williamson, Otis Birdsong, Jrue Holiday, Antonio McDyess, Peja Stojakovic, Dan Roundfield
Pick 362: Miami Heat (John): Cazzie Russell
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Bill Cunningham, Fat Lever, Rudy Tomjanovich, Latrell Sprewell, Kevin Willis, Jerry Sloan, Nick Van Exel, Purvis Short
Pick 363: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Frank Ramsey
Stats: 7x NBA Champion, Hall of Fame
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward, Rik Smits, Hersey Hawkins, Andrew Bynum, Sidney Wicks
Pick 364: Utah Jazz (John): Jamal Murray
Stats: 2016-17 All-Rookie
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton, Larry Nance, Gus Williams, Larry Johnson, David Lee, Bill Bradley, Charlie Scott
Pick 365: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Larry Kenon
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 2x NBA All-Star (3x ABA)
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones, Rich Guerin, Larry Foust, Derek Harper, Andrei Kirilenko, Dell Curry, Bob Rule
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing, LaMarcus Aldridge, Stephon Marbury, Alvin Robertson, Vin Baker, Rashard Lewis, Kenny Anderson, Carlos Boozer, Corey Maggette
Pick 367: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Tom Sanders
Stats: 8x NBA Champion, 1x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens, Joe Johnson, Draymond Green, DeMarcus Cousins, Rod Strickland, Terry Cummings, Fred Brown, A.C. Green, Hot Rod Williams, Danny Ainge
Pick 368: Minnesota Timberwolves (John): Michael Adams
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton, Alex English, Shawn Kemp, Walter Davis, Baron Davis, David West, Michael Redd, Mark Eaton, Xavier McDaniel, Danny Granger, Caron Butler
Pick 369: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Campy Russell
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Shaq, Paul Pierce, Manu Ginobili, Kevin Johnson, Tom Chambers, Deron Williams, Gus Johnson, CJ McCollum, Andre Drummond, Kelly Tripucka, Bam Adebayo, J.J Redick
Pick 370: Houston Rockets (John): Rony Seikaly
Stats: 1989-90 Most Improved
Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady, Grant Hill, Lenny Wilkens, Marc Gasol, Drazen Petrovich, Norm Nixon, Zach Randolph, Andrew Toney, Serge Ibaka, Clifford Robinson, Jamal Mashburn
Pick 371: Boston Celtics (Phil): Truck Robinson
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Kobe Bryant, Dominique Wilkins, Dikembe Mutombo, Penny Hardaway, Bobby Jones, George McGinnis, Ben Simmons, Dale Ellis, Byron Scott, Otis Thorpe, Ja Morant, Nick Anderson
Pick 372: Detroit Pistons (John): Jonas Valanciunas
Stats: 2021-13 All-Rookie
Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed, Luka Doncic, Kyle Lowry, DeMar DeRozan, Mark Jackson, Jermaine O’Neal, Jeff Hornacek, Vlade Divac, Victor Oladipo, Slater Martin, Rudy Gay
Pick 373: Washington Wizards (Phil): Happy Hairston
Stats: 1x NBA Champion
Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin, Wes Unseld, Chris Bosh, Paul Arizin, Neil Johnston, Lou Hudson, Tyson Chandler, Michael Finley, Mike Bibby, Shane Battier, Danny Manning
Pick 374: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Don Ohl
Stats: 5x All-Star
Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller, Pau Gasol, Blake Griffin, Maurice Cheeks, Karl-Anthony Towns, Terry Porter, Allan Houston, Lou Williams, Paul Millsap, Ricky Pierce, Orlando Woolridge
Pick 375: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Phil Ford
Stats: 1x All-NBA, 1978-79 ROY
Teammate: Steph Curry, Rick Barry, Dwight Howard, Tom Heinsohn, Jimmy Butler, Maurice Lucas, Michael Cooper, Donovan Mitchell, Andrew Bogut, John Drew, Bill Cartwright, Alvan Adams
Pick 376: Dallas Mavericks (John): John Starks
Stats: 1x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive
Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes, Adrian Dantley, Joel Embiid, Jo Jo White, Glenn Robinson, Mike Conley, Sean Elliot, Darryl Dawkins, Kenny Smith, Goran Dragic, Christian Laettner
Pick 377: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Bill Bridges
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star, 2x All-Defensive
Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier, Pete Maravich, Nikola Jokic, Jack Twyman, Detlef Schrempf, Mark Aguirre, Ron Harper, Clyde Lovellette, Reggie Theus, Tom Gola, Eddie Johnson
Pick 378: Chicago Bulls (John): Larry Costello
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones, Walt Bellamy, Jack Sikma, Jason Terry, Maurice Stokes, Louie Dampier, Brandon Ingram, Brook Lopez, Harry Gallatin, Eddie Johnson part 2
Pick 379: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Randy Smith
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Bob Lanier, Tim Hardaway Sr., Chet Walker, Andre Igoudala, Sam Cassell, DeAndre Jordan, Lamar Odom, Steve Smith, Jaylen Brown, Josh Smith
Pick 380: Brooklyn Nets (John): Monta Ellis
Stats: 2006-07 Most Improved
Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton, David Thompson, Connie Hawkins, Paul Westphal, Rudy Gobert, Mookie Blaylock, Dan Majerle, Terrell Brandon, Al Jefferson, Jeff Malone, Tobias Harris
Pick 381: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Kyle Korver
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Artis Gilmore, Mitch Richmond, Bailey Howell, Rolando Blackman, Joakim Noah, Norm Van Lier, Cedric Maxwell, Zach LaVine, Toni Kukoc, P.J. Brown
Pick 382: Los Angeles Clippers (John): K.C. Jones
Stats: 8x NBA Champion, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan, Hal Greer, Jerry Lucas, Jamaal Wilkes, Cliff Hagan, Jamal Crawford, Zelmo Beaty, Wayne Embry, Doc Rivers, Paul Silas, Gene Shue
Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton, Tiny Archibald, Dolph Schayes, Bradley Beal, Elton Brand, World B. Free, Marcus Camby, George Yardley, Steve Francis, Joe Barry Carroll, Isaiah Thomas
Pick 384: Atlanta Hawks (John): Sam Perkins
Stats: 1984-85 All-Rookie
Teammates: Dwyane Wade, Anthony Davis, Chris Webber, Chauncey Billups, Brandon Roy, John Wall, Horace Grant, Khris Middleton, Nikola Vucevic, Shareef Abdur-Raheem, De’Aaron Fox, Tom Gugliotta
Pick 385: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Kevin Porter
Stats: 4x Assist Champ
Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit, Derrick Rose, Bill Sharman, Ben Wallace, Vern Mikkelsen, Jayson Tatum, Bob Love, Trae Young, Richard Jefferson, Red Kerr, Arnie Risen
Pick 386: Orlando Magic (John): Guy Rodgers
Stats: 4x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden, Carmelo Anthony, Dave DeBusschere, Ralph Sampson, Gilbert Arenas, Buck Williams, Tayshaun Prince, Bruce Bowen, Derrick Coleman, Kenyon Martin, Tony Allen
Pick 387: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Kristaps Porzingis
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale, Kyrie Irving, Sindney Moncrief, Arvydas Sabonis, Rajon Rondo, Mel Daniels, Devin Booker, Dick Van Arsdale, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Domantas Sabonis, Luol Deng
Pick 388: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Bobby Wanzer
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Isiah Thomas, Scottie Pippen, Nate Thurmond, Joe Dumars, Bill Laimbeer, Rasheed Wallace, Micheal Ray Richardson, Ron Artest, Doug Collins, Dick Barnett, Juwan Howard, Jalen Rose
Pick 389: New York Knicks (Phil): Geoff Petrie
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1970-71 ROY
Teammates: Giannis, Steve Nash, Klay Thompson, Paul George, Brad Daugherty, Ed Macauley, Kiki Vandeweghe, Calvin Murphy, Antoine Walker, Anthony Mason, Swen Nater, Julius Randle
Pick 390: San Antonio Spurs (John): Gerald Wallace
Stats: 1x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive
Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin, Amar’e Stoudemire, Marques Johnson, Antawn Jamison, Andre Miller, Charles Oakley, Jerry Stackhouse, Mychal Thompson, Sleepy Floyd, Reggie Lewis
Round 14: I Swear it’s Almost Over
Pick 391: San Antonio Spurs (John): Jason Richardson
Stats: 2001-02 All-Rookie
Teammates: See round 13
Pick 392: New York Knicks (Phil): Steve Kerr
Stats: 5x NBA Champion
Pick 393: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Roy Tarpley
Stats: 1987-88 Sixth Man
Pick 394: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Junior Bridgeman
Stats:
Pick 395: Orlando Magic (John): Jason Williams
Stats: 1x NBA Champion
Pick 396: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Rudy LaRusso
Stats: 5x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive
Pick 397: Atlanta Hawks (John): Joe Caldwell
Stats: 2x NBA All-Star (2x ABA), 1x All-ABA, 1x All-Defensive
Pick 398: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Andy Phillip
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Pick 399: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Willie Naulls
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star
Pick 400: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Muggsy Bogues
Stats:
Pick 401: Brooklyn Nets (John): Scott Wedman
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive
Pick 402: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Shai Gilgeous-Alexander
Stats: 2018-19 All-Rookie
Pick 403: Chicago Bulls (John): Austin Carr
Stats: 1x All-Star
Pick 404: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Dale Davis
Stats: 1x All-Star
Pick 405: Dallas Mavericks (John): Tom Van Arsdale
Stats: 3x All-Star
Pick 406: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Al Attles
Stats: Hall of Fame
Pick 407: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Andrew Wiggins
Stats: 2014-15 ROY
Pick 408: Washington Wizards (Phil): Lucius Allen
Stats: 1x NBA Champion
Pick 409: Detroit Pistons (John): Archie Clark
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Pick 410: Boston Celtics (Phil): Clint Capela
Stats: 1x Rebound Champ
Pick 411: Houston Rockets (John): Dick McGuire
Stats: 7x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Pick 412: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Pascal Siakam
Stats: 1x BAA Champion, 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA (3x All-BAA), 1x Scoring Champion, Hall of Fame
Pick 417: Utah Jazz (John): Caldwell Jones
Stats: 1x All-Star, 2x All-Defensive
Pick 418: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Bob Boozer
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star
Pick 419: Miami Heat (John): Jeff Mullins
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star
Pick 420: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Brian Winters
Stats: 2x All-Star
Round 15: It’s Finally Over
Pick 421: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Nene
Stats: 2002-03 All-Rookie
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry, Zion Williamson, Otis Birdsong, Jrue Holiday, Antonio McDyess, Peja Stojakovic, Dan Roundfield, Carl Braun, Dan Roundfield
Pick 422: Miami Heat (John): Walter Dukes
Stats: 2x All-Star
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Bill Cunningham, Fat Lever, Rudy Tomjanovich, Latrell Sprewell, Kevin Willis, Jerry Sloan, Nick Van Exel, Purvis Short, Cazzie Russell, Jeff Mullins
Pick 423: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Dennis Scott
Stats: 1990-91 All-Rookie
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward, Rik Smits, Hersey Hawkins, Andrew Bynum, Sidney Wicks, Frank Ramsey, Bob Boozer
Pick 424: Utah Jazz (John): Billy Knight
Stats: 2x NBA All-STar (1x ABA), 1x All-ABA
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton, Larry Nance, Gus Williams, Larry Johnson, David Lee, Bill Bradley, Charlie Scott, Jamal Murray, Caldwell Jones
Pick 425: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Jimmy Jones
Stats: 6x ABA All-Star, 3x All-ABA
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones, Rich Guerin, Larry Foust, Derek Harper, Andrei Kirilenko, Dell Curry, Bob Rule, Larry Kenon, Joe Fulks
Pick 426: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Calvin Natt
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing, LaMarcus Aldridge, Stephon Marbury, Alvin Robertson, Vin Baker, Rashard Lewis, Kenny Anderson, Carlos Boozer, Corey Maggette, Darrell Griffith, Keith Van Horn
Pick 427: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Roger Brown
Stats: 3x ABA Champion, 4x ABA All-Star, 3x All-ABA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens, Joe Johnson, Draymond Green, DeMarcus Cousins, Rod Strickland, Terry Cummings, Fred Brown, A.C. Green, Hot Rod Williams, Danny Ainge, Tom Sanders, Mike Mitchell
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton, Alex English, Shawn Kemp, Walter Davis, Baron Davis, David West, Michael Redd, Mark Eaton, Xavier McDaniel, Danny Granger, Caron Butler, Michael Adams, Cedric Ceballos
Pick 429: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Derek Fisher
Stats: 5x NBA Champion
Teammates: Shaq, Paul Pierce, Manu Ginobili, Kevin Johnson, Tom Chambers, Deron Williams, Gus Johnson, CJ McCollum, Andre Drummond, Kelly Tripucka, Bam Adebayo, J.J Redick, Campy Russell, Pascal Siakam
Pick 430: Houston Rockets (John): Jimmy Walker
Stats: 2x All-Star
Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady, Grant Hill, Lenny Wilkens, Marc Gasol, Drazen Petrovich, Norm Nixon, Zach Randolph, Andrew Toney, Serge Ibaka, Clifford Robinson, Jamal Mashburn, Rony Seikaly, Dick McGuire
Pick 431: Boston Celtics (Phil): Johnny Green
Stats: 4x All-Star
Teammates: Kobe Bryant, Dominique Wilkins, Dikembe Mutombo, Penny Hardaway, Bobby Jones, George McGinnis, Ben Simmons, Dale Ellis, Byron Scott, Otis Thorpe, Ja Morant, Nick Anderson, Truck Robinson, Clint Capela
Pick 432: Detroit Pistons (John): Ray Williams
Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed, Luka Doncic, Kyle Lowry, DeMar DeRozan, Mark Jackson, Jermaine O’Neal, Jeff Hornacek, Vlade Divac, Victor Oladipo, Slater Martin, Rudy Gay, Jonas Valancunias, Archie Clark
Pick 433: Washington Wizards (Phil): Jeff Ruland
Stats: 2x All-Star
Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin, Wes Unseld, Chris Bosh, Paul Arizin, Neil Johnston, Lou Hudson, Tyson Chandler, Michael Finley, Mike Bibby, Shane Battier, Danny Manning, Happy Hairston, Lucius Allen
Pick 434: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Jim Pollard
Stats: 4x BAA/NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 3x All-NBA (1x All-BAA), Hall of Fame
Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller, Pau Gasol, Blake Griffin, Maurice Cheeks, Karl-Anthony Towns, Terry Porter, Allan Houston, Lou Williams, Paul Millsap, Ricky Pierce, Orlando Woolridge, Don Ohl, Andrew Wiggins
Pick 435: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Mack Calvin
Stats: 5x ABA All-Star, 4x All-ABA
Teammate: Steph Curry, Rick Barry, Dwight Howard, Tom Heinsohn, Jimmy Butler, Maurice Lucas, Michael Cooper, Donovan Mitchell, Andrew Bogut, John Drew, Bill Cartwright, Alvan Adams, Phil Ford, Al Attles
Pick 436: Dallas Mavericks (John): Don Nelson
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes, Adrian Dantley, Joel Embiid, Jo Jo White, Glenn Robinson, Mike Conley, Sean Elliot, Darryl Dawkins, Kenny Smith, Goran Dragic, Christian Laettner, John Starks, Tom Van Arsdale
Pick 437: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Phil Chenier
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier, Pete Maravich, Nikola Jokic, Jack Twyman, Detlef Schrempf, Mark Aguirre, Ron Harper, Clyde Lovellette, Reggie Theus, Tom Gola, Eddie Johnson, Bill Bridges, Dale Davis
Pick 438: Chicago Bulls (John): Ray Scott
Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones, Walt Bellamy, Jack Sikma, Jason Terry, Maurice Stokes, Louie Dampier, Brandon Ingram, Brook Lopez, Harry Gallatin, Eddie Johnson part 2, Larry Costello, Austin Carr
Pick 439: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Donnie Freeman
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 5x ABA All-Star, 4x All-ABA
Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Bob Lanier, Tim Hardaway Sr., Chet Walker, Andre Igoudala, Sam Cassell, DeAndre Jordan, Lamar Odom, Steve Smith, Jaylen Brown, Josh Smith, Randy Smith, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander
Pick 440: Brooklyn Nets (John): Vinnie Johnson
Stats: 2x NBA Champion
Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton, David Thompson, Connie Hawkins, Paul Westphal, Rudy Gobert, Mookie Blaylock, Dan Majerle, Terrell Brandon, Al Jefferson, Jeff Malone, Tobias Harris, Monta Ellis, Scott Wedman
Pick 441: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Jim Paxson
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Artis Gilmore, Mitch Richmond, Bailey Howell, Rolando Blackman, Joakim Noah, Norm Van Lier, Cedric Maxwell, Zach LaVine, Toni Kukoc, P.J. Brown, Kyle Korver, Muggsy Bogues
Pick 442: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Eric Gordon
Stats: 2016-17 Sixth Man
Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan, Hal Greer, Jerry Lucas, Jamaal Wilkes, Cliff Hagan, Jamal Crawford, Zelmo Beaty, Wayne Embry, Doc Rivers, Paul Silas, Gene Shue, K.C. Jones, Willie Naulls
Pick 443: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Alex Groza
Stats: 1x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1949-50 ROY
Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton, Tiny Archibald, Dolph Schayes, Bradley Beal, Elton Brand, World B. Free, Marcus Camby, George Yardley, Steve Francis, Joe Barry Carroll, Isaiah Thomas, Wally Szczerbiak, Andy Phillip
Pick 444: Atlanta Hawks (John): Ben Gordon
Stats: 2004-05 Sixth Man
Teammates: Dwyane Wade, Anthony Davis, Chris Webber, Chauncey Billups, Brandon Roy, John Wall, Horace Grant, Khris Middleton, Nikola Vucevic, Shareef Abdur-Raheem, De’Aaron Fox, Tom Gugliotta, Sam Perkins, Joe Caldwell
Pick 445: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Red Rocha
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star
Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit, Derrick Rose, Bill Sharman, Ben Wallace, Vern Mikkelsen, Jayson Tatum, Bob Love, Trae Young, Richard Jefferson, Red Kerr, Arnie Risen, Kevin Porter, Rudy LaRusso
Pick 446: Orlando Magic (John): Cliff Robinson
Stats: Not Clifford Robinson
Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden, Carmelo Anthony, Dave DeBusschere, Ralph Sampson, Gilbert Arenas, Buck Williams, Tayshaun Prince, Bruce Bowen, Derrick Coleman, Kenyon Martin, Tony Allen, Guy Rodgers, Jason Williams
Pick 447: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Danilo Gallinari
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale, Kyrie Irving, Sindney Moncrief, Arvydas Sabonis, Rajon Rondo, Mel Daniels, Devin Booker, Dick Van Arsdale, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Domantas Sabonis, Luol Deng, Kristaps Porzingis, Junior Bridgeman
Pick 448: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Stephen Jackson
Stats: 1x NBA Champion
Teammates: Isiah Thomas, Scottie Pippen, Nate Thurmond, Joe Dumars, Bill Laimbeer, Rasheed Wallace, Micheal Ray Richardson, Ron Artest, Doug Collins, Dick Barnett, Juwan Howard, Jalen Rose, Bobby Wanzer, Roy Tarpley
Pick 449: New York Knicks (Phil): Sam Mitchell
Stats: The greatest player ever
Teammates: Giannis, Steve Nash, Klay Thompson, Paul George, Brad Daugherty, Ed Macauley, Kiki Vandeweghe, Calvin Murphy, Antoine Walker, Anthony Mason, Swen Nater, Julius Randle, Geoff Petrie, Steve Kerr
Pick 450: San Antonio Spurs (John): Malik Sealy
Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin, Amar’e Stoudemire, Marques Johnson, Antawn Jamison, Andre Miller, Charles Oakley, Jerry Stackhouse, Mychal Thompson, Sleepy Floyd, Reggie Lewis, Gerald Wallace, Jason Richardson
Born in 1946, the NBA is celebrating its 75th birthday this year which means it is old as fuck. The NBA is a boomer, so not great, but hey, we still love them. Like Timothée Chalamet’s tiny horse, in 75 years we’ve seen some of the best athletes in the world go on to “do great things” in the NBA. Now it’s time to honor the 75 greatest players in NBA history by doing what the NBA doesn’t have the courage to do, rank them. To be fair to my guy Adam Silver, ranking former and current employees is a slipper slope. Imagine showing up to your 9 to 5 at “insert digital brand marketing collective here” and all of a sudden your boss was like “well Jim, as you can see you’re pretty good, but you only worked 60 hour weeks instead of 65 so the CEO didn’t get their full $23 million dollar bonus, so you’re the 75th best employee we have.” Brutal. But hey, top 75 is nothing to shake a stick at. I was like 66th in a graduating class of more than 550 and I’m not made I wasn’t number one, I’m happy to know that I’m smarter than 490 other people. Not everyone can be Michael Jordan, but It is way cooler to be an Alex English than an Andrew Wiggins.
My ranking methodology was simple: impact on winning x stats x accomplishments x vibes x era x impact on the game x could the Spark Notes version of the NBA be told without them = the top 75 players in NBA history.
Accolades: 4x NBA Champion, 4x Finals MVP, 4x NBA MVP, 17x All-NBA, 17x All-Star, 1x Scoring Champ, 6x All-Defensive, 2003-04 ROY
If after every championship you win you have to remind the world that you might be the GOAT but also “don’t care” what people say about you, then you’re just not quite the GOAT.
Accolades: 6x NBA Champion, 2x Finals MVP, 6x NBA MVP, 14x All-NBA, 19x All-Star, 2x Scoring Champ, 11x All-Defensive, 1969-70 ROY, Hall of Fame
If you consider birth to retirement (high school, college, etc,) Kareem-Abdul Jabbar is probably the greatest basketball player ever, but what he did in the NBA is still great enough for a bronze medal.
Accolades: 11x NBA Champion, (No Finals MVP Award until 1969), 5x NBA MVP, 11x All-NBA, 12x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive (Began award in 1968-69 season), Hall of Fame
The George Washington of the NBA still belongs on Mount Rushmore.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 4x NBA MVP, 10x All-NBA, 13x All-Star, 7x Scoring Champ, 2x All Defensive, 1959-60 ROY, Hall of Fame
The most physically dominant player of any generation (unless you talk to Shaq), he should have been the GOAT but Bill Russell ate his lunch for 10 years.
Accolades: 3x NBA Champion, 2x Finals MVP, 3x NBA MVP, 10x All-NBA, 12x All-Star, 3x All-Defensive, 1979-80 ROY, Hall of Fame
Maybe the fiercest competitor in NBA history after Jordan, the Celtics vs. Lakers cage match rivalry of the ’80s is probably what most people between the ages of 40 and 60 think of first when they think about the NBA.
Accolades: 5x NBA Champion, 3x Finals MVP, 2x NBA MVP, 15x All-NBA, 15x All-Star, 15x All-Defensive, 1997-98 ROY, Hall of Fame
Tim Duncan plays and dresses like he just got a bunch of Khol’s Cash from his grandma for his birthday, but the Big Fundamental handed everyone their ass for 15 years of Spurs dominance.
Accolades: 4x NBA Champion, 3x Finals MVP, 1x NBA MVP, 14x All-NBA, 15x All-Star, 2x Scoring Champ, 3x All-Defensive, 1992-93 ROY, Hall of Fame
The second most dominant big-man ever, Shaq’s peak might be the best we’ve seen since Jordan. If he kept in shape for 15 years there’s no doubt in my mind that he would be in the GOAT conversation.
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 11x All-NBA, 12x All-Star, 1960-61 ROY, Hall of Fame
The triple-double king before Russell Westbrook dethrone him, the Big-O is one of the five pillars of the foundation of the modern NBA ( Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Elgin Baylor, Jerry West, and Oscar Robertson).
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion (2x ABA Champ), 1x NBA MVP (3x ABA), 7x All-NBA (5x All-ABA), 11x NBA All-Star (5x ABA), Hall of Fame
If his ABA career counted, Julius Erving would be somewhere in the top-eight, but even though he didn’t get to the NBA until he was 26, “Dr. J” is still one of the all-time legends of the sport. If anyone made the NBA as cool as it is today, it is Julius Erving.
Accolades: 3x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 7x All-NBA, 7x All-Star, 2x Scoring Champ
For whatever reason, Steph Curry has his detractors, but his impact on the game is undeniable. The greatest shooter ever changed the way we play the game and led one of the greatest dynasties we’ve ever seen.
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 9x All-NBA, 15x All-Star, 12x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Kevin Garnett was an absolute psycho on the court for 20 years, and it was so much fun to be a huge KG fan growing up. He proved that anything is possible by taking the Timberwolves to the Western Conference Finals in 2004. If the NBA puts him on the Anniversary team in a Celtics jersey we riot.
Accolades: 1x NBA MVP, 11x All-NBA, 11x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Chuck was screwed over by Michael Jordan more than anyone else other than maybe Patrick Ewing, but he came damn close to taking it to the GOAT in the ’93 Finals.
Wade will go down as one of the best Robin’s ever, but people forget he was Batman in the 2006 Finals with one of the greatest performances in NBA Finals history.
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 2x NBA MVP, 5x All-NBA, 5x All-Star, 4x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY
If anyone thought Giannis had hit a wall and couldn’t be the best player on a championship team, they were proven wrong last season. Giannis finally broke through with an historic performance, and now has one of the best resumes of any player in their first eight seasons. It is very easy to see a scenario where Giannis keeps ascending and one day joins the ranks of the 10 greatest players ever.
Accolades: 6x NBA Champion, 7x All-NBA, 7x All-Star, 10x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
The greatest Robin of all time played with the greatest Batman ever. Wanted to be the guy so bad that when it was his turn he benched himself because Toni Kukoc was going to get the last shot. That’s a real alpha.
Accolades: 8x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 11x All-NBA, 13x All-Star, 8x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Havlicek had the luxury of playing with Bill Russell, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones, Tommy Heinsohn, Dave Cowens and plenty of other Hall of Famers and he still cemented himself as an all-time great.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 10x All-NBA, 10x All-Star, 1x Scoring Champ 8x All-Defensive,1x DPOY, 1989-90 ROY, Hall of Fame
The Admiral could be much higher had he not gone to all four years of college plus two years of Naval obligations, but his seven-year peak is a freak show of athleticism, offense, defense, and getting cooked by Hakeem Olajuwon.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 5x All-NBA, 12x All-Star, Hall of Fame
If Magic is the NBA’s best ambassador, Isiah might be the worst. Everyone seems to hate IT, and it is very much warranted. The Bad Boy Piston is a villain, and still a bad ass on the court.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 2x Finals MVP, 1x NBA MVP, 5x All-NBA, 7x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive, 1964-65 ROY, Hall of Fame
He’s most famous to people my age for hitting the first two shots in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals while injured, but Willis Reed was a dominant center in the era where Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain were kicking everyone’s ass.
Kawhi has the weirdest resume of any all-time great. He was drafted 15th, was considered a defensive role player, then won Finals MVP, two DPOY’s, another Finals MVP as a one-year hired gun with Toronto of all teams, now is a perennial MVP candidate with the Clippers, and has also missed essentially two (counting the upcoming 2021-22 season) full seasons due to injury, and basically invented load management. He’s going to be the best player with the worst counting stats.
Accolades: 2x NBA MVP, 7x All-NBA, 8x All-Star, Hall of Fame
He maybe didn’t deserve both of his MVP’s but he definitely didn’t deserve to get hip checked by Robert Horry to kill Nash’s best chance at a championship.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 1x NBA MVP, 2x All-NBA, 2x All-Star, 2x All-Defensive, 1x Sixth Man, Hall of Fame
Bill Walton easily could have entered the pantheon after winning a championship and MVP by age-25, but those god damn feet cost him the rest of his career. This pick hedges that a bit but it’s undeniable that Waltons few years of his prime were dominant enough to warrant being rewarded as a top 75 player ever.
Accolades: 1x NBA MVP, 7x All-NBA, 11x All-Star, 4x Scoring Champ, 1996-97 ROY, Hall of Fame
The kids seem to think Iverson was a god on the level of Kobe Bryant and LeBron James. He is probably the second most overrated player on NBA Twitter by people who were born after he stepped over Ty Lue (first by a mile is Carmelo Anthony), but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t great, just not top 10 great.
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-NBA, 10x All-Star, 9x All-Defensive, 1994-95 ROY, Hall of Fame
Triple threat point guard who might be ever so slightly overrated because of his triple double prowess and underrated for his bleach blonde look in the ’90s.
Accolades: 7x All-NBA, 7x All-Star, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Rivalled Kobe in the early 2000’s until injuries ended his career too early. My generation’s Dominique Wilkins. I am probably over rating him and I don’t care.
Accolades: 5x NBA Champion, 2x All-NBA, 2x All-Star, 8x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Pound for pound the best rebounder ever and an infamous member of the Bad Boy Pistons and the ’90s Bulls who is now the only contact we have with North Korea which must be weird for North Koreans.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x All-NBA, 8x All-Star, 6x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Third/secondish star of the two Knicks titles in the ’70s. Winning ended up getting him in the last spot ahead of other very worthy candidates.
The Biggest Snubs: Vince Carter, Earl Monroe, Pete Maravich, Grant Hill, Alonzo Mourning, Dikembe Mutombo, Nate Thurmond, Bob Lanier, Artis Gilmore, Chris Webber, Adrian Dantley, Bill Sharman, Tommy Heinsohn, Damian Lillard, and Manu Ginobili.
Can’t wait for the NBA’s 100th anniversary when Anthony Edwards and Karl-Anthony Towns are the new co-GOATs.
If it is to be said, so it is…so it be. Like Cousin Greg, it’s hard to find the words to describe the rest of the draft picks 241-450 so we’ll leave it unsaid here. If you want a deeper dive on each pick listen to our podcast like you should have been doing all along.
Round 9: The Inefficiency
Pick 241: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Jrue Holiday
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 3x All-Defensive
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry, Zion Williamson, Otis Birdsong
Pick 242: Miami Heat (John): Kevin Willis
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Billy Cunningham, Fat Lever, Rudy Tomjanovich, Latrell Sprewell
Pick 243: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Rik Smits
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward
Pick 244: Utah Jazz (John): Larry Johnson
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1991-92 ROY
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton, Larry Nance, Gus Williams
Pick 245: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Derek Harper
Stats: 2x All-Defensive
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones, Rich Guerin, Larry Foust
Pick 246: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Rashard Lewis
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing, LaMarcus Aldridge, Stephon Marbury, Alvin Robertson, Vin Baker
Pick 247: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Fred Brown
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens, Joe Johnson, Draymond Green, DeMarcus Cousins, Rod Strickland, Terry Cummings
This is the awkward part of the draft where we have to start weighing how early to pick current stars who may have only played two or three years in the league. How do you compare these 22-year-olds with 15 year veterans? well, we tried.
Round 7: New Blood
Pick 181: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Zion Williamson
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry
Zion Williamson has only played 85 games in his career but already looks like an all-time talent. If he can stay healthy, Zion could be the next Charles Barkley.
Pick 182: Miami Heat (John): Rudy Tomjanovich
Stats: 5x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Billy Cunningham, Fat Lever
A middle class version of Billy Cunningham as a player and a coach.
Pick 183: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Al Horford
Stats: 5x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker
The most consistently B+ player of the last 15 years.
Pick 184: Utah Jazz (John): Larry Nance
Stats: 3x All-Star, 3x All-Defensive
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton
Magic, King, and Nance are officially the Showtime Jazz.
Pick 185: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Rich Guerin
Stats: 6x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones
The third iteration of the mega-draft is where things get insanely difficult. The rest of this draft could devolve into a really boring game of “what about this guy”. The remainder of the draft also doesn’t have the established hierarchy that the top 100 does, which is what makes it fun. There’s 4,000 players that you could conceivably take in the 150-450 which will inevitably lead to taking huge reaches and guys who should have gone in the top 120 falling to 220. So sit back, relax, and don’t get pissed off at the next two rounds.
Round 5: The “should have been round three ” guys
Pick 121: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Spencer Haywood
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x ABA MVP, 4x NBA All-Star (1x ABA), 4x All-NBA (1x All-ABA), 1969-70 ABA ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge
Just give the Pacers their championship now as long as they keep him off of cocaine.
Pick 122: Miami Heat (John): Billy Cunningham
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x ABA MVP, 4x NBA All-Star (1x ABA), 4x All-NBA (1x All-ABA), Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion
How did Hall of Famer Billy Cunningham fall to 122nd? Maybe we aren’t the best at this.
Pick 123: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Mark Price
Stats: 4x All-Star, 4x All-NBA
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel
The original Steph Curry.
Pick 124: Utah Jazz (John): Glen Rice
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star, 2x All-NBA
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love
Continuing the all offense no defense theme in Utah.
Pick 125: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Gail Goodrich
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming
One of the most overlooked stars of the late ’60s and ’70s.
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing
One of the most overlooked stars of the last 15 years. Even most NBA fans probably wouldn’t guess that Aldridge made seven All-Star teams and five All-NBA teams.
I have a prediction to make, these are the last two rounds that anyone will actually care about. The NBA is a relatively new league with far fewer players than say the MLB or NFL. That means there aren’t nearly as many all-time great players in the history of the NBA. Once you get around 100-150 the names begin to drop off from hall of famers to guys who were pretty good for like three years very quickly. That being said, there are still a lot of interesting decisions to be made. Do you value modern players with fewer accolades over old school guys who maybe won a few championships but missed out on the personal glory? Do you value guards over bigs? Which position will dry up first? and so on. One trigger warning I’ll make, this isn’t a list of the best players ever, it’s a draft where dozens of variables are taken into consideration to try to build the best teams. Your favorite point guard may fall 20 spots because all of the other teams already have point guards. Not to say we (John) didn’t make some huge reaches for guys who maybe wouldn’t have been picked this high, but that’s what happens in drafts and that’s why they’re fun. Without further ado, here are rounds three and four of our mega-draft.
Round 3: The Guys You Have Still Heard Of
Pick 61: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Damian Lillard
Stats: 6x All-Star, 6x All-Pro, 2012-13 ROY
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish
It’s Dame time in Indianapolis. This team is going to mow everyone else down in the playoffs.
Pick 62: Miami Heat (John): Vince Carter
Stats: 8x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1998-99 ROY
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson
It’s been about 15 years since Vince Carter was a relevant NBA player, which is insane to think about because he just retired a year ago. Most people know him as the greatest dunker ever and It’s hard to remember how good Vinsanity really was during his prime in the early 2000’s.
Pick 63: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Earl Monroe
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1967-68 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning
Earl Monroe has the coolest nicknames in NBA history. A smattering of the best on Basketball Reference include: The Pearl, Black Jesus, The Lord’s Prayer, Einstein, and Thomas Edison.
Pick 64: Utah Jazz (John): Bernard King
Stats: 4x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo
The Jazz are going to score 130 points a game, and give up 140.
A proven winner joins two more proven winners in Russell and Worthy. Charlotte won’t be flashy, but will get the job done when it matters.
Pick 66: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Dennis Rodman
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 8x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler
Milwaukee is going to burn to the ground by Christmas.
Pick 67: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Dave Cowens
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 8x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive, 1970-71 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook
Phoenix has officially become Boston-West (and Westbrook).
Pick 68: Minnesota Timberwolves (John): Alex English
Stats: 8x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton
The coolest team is forming with the lamest franchise.
Pick 69: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Manu Ginobili
Stats: 4x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star, 2x All-NBA
Teammates: Shaquille O’Neal, Paul Pierce
Manu will quickly become the most popular player in Philly after Shaq shows up out of shape and Paul Pierce will just be an annoying shit and Manu will show up and play ball.
Pick 70: Houston Rockets (John): Grant Hill
Stats: 7x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1994-95 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady
The what-if 2000 Orlando Magic free agency dream team is finally real.
Pick 71: Boston Celtics (Phil): Dikembe Mutombo
Stats: 8x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 6x All-Defensive, 4x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kobe Bryant, Dominique Wilkins
The Celtics are back and are going to dunk everything on your fucking head and block every shot and kinda be dicks about it.
Pick 72: Detroit Pistons (John): Luka Doncic
Stats: 2x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 2018-19 ROY
Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed
Luka is a lock to be top-30 when we inevitably redo this in ten years.
Pick 73: Washington Wizards (Phil): Wes Unseld
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 5x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1968-69 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin
Unseld is back in Washington and ready to bring the outlet pass highlight back to prominence.
Pick 74: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Pau Gasol
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 2001-02 ROY
Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller
Pau goes back to Memphis to bring the super exciting duo of Dr. J and Reggie Miller back down to Earth a bit.
Pick 75: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Dwight Howard
Stats: 6x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 2x Scoring Champ, 1976-77 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes
A scoring machine to team up with the two rebounding machines.
Pick 77: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Pete Maravich
Stats: 5x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 1x Scoring champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier
Pistol Pete was probably the most electrifying player in the NBA before Bird, Magic, and Jordan took over in the ’80s.
Pick 78: Chicago Bulls (John): Sam Jones
Stats: 10x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy
Forgive us Bill Simmons for Sam Jones falling all the way to 78.
Pick 79: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Bob Lanier
Stats: 8x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen
A frontcourt of Lanier and Kevin Garnett should scare the shit out of every team thats not the big beer Mavericks.
Pick 80: Brooklyn Nets (John): David Thompson
Stats: 4x NBA All-Star (1x ABA), 2x All-NBA (1x All-ABA), 1975-76 ABA ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton
This man is going to die in Brooklyn. Thankfully David Robinson and John Stockton are the two most boring players of the last 30 years and will hopefully save his life.
Pick 81: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Artis Gilmore
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 1x ABA MVP, 6x NBA All-Star (5x ABA), 5x All-ABA, 5x All-Defensive, 1971-72 ABA ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd
With his hair he was probably 7’8″.
Pick 82: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Hal Greer
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 10x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan
No offense to Hal Greer, but he might be the first player taken where even some real NBA fans are like “Who is Hal Greer”.
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton
The best point guard that nobody ever brings up in the best point guard conversation.
Pick 84: Atlanta Hawks (John): Chris Webber
Stats: 5x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1993-94 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Dwyane Wade, Anthony Davis
Chris Webber makes this arguably the sexiest team so far, but I’m not sure he makes it any better.
Pick 85: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Derrick Rose
Stats: 1x NBA MVP, 3x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 2008-09 ROY
Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit
I would give all of my crypto to see 2011 Derrick Rose go back in time to 1963 and see Havlicek and Pettit’s reactions.
Pick 86: Orlando Magic (John): Carmelo Anthony
Stats: 10x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ
Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden
The Ringer’s Kevin Clark is going to have the time of his life with this team for about 12 games, then he’s going to ride the tea cups at Disney World until he looses consciousness.
Pick 87: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Kyrie Irving
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 2011-12 ROY
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale
Kyrie in LA is somehow going to be more insufferable than in Brooklyn.
Pick 88: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Nate Thurmond
Stats: 7x All-Star, 5x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Isiah Thomas, Scottie Pippen
Nate is going to have to crack some skulls from day one.
Pick 89: New York Knicks (Phil): Klay Thompson
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive
Teammates: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Steve Nash
The new Splash Brothers and Giannis are going to get Knicks fans’ hopes up so high they’re gonna be devastated when they inevitably crash out of the playoffs in crushing fashion.
Pick 90: San Antonio Spurs (John): Chris Mullin
Stats: 5x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing
One-third of Run TMC with Golden state in the early ’90s now becomes the third wheel with two of the best losers of all time.
Round 4: The Drop-off
Pick 91: San Antonio Spurs (John): Amar’e Stoudemire
Stats: 6x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 2002-03 ROY
Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin
Just another addition to the “none of these guys have won shit” team.
Pick 92: New York Knicks (Phil): Paul George
Stats: 7x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 4x All-Defensive
Teammates: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Steve Nash, Klay Thompson
Current NBA fans forget that Pre-Pandemic P was the closest thing to LeBron that we’ve seen in the NBA since he entered the league.
Pick 93: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Joe Dumars
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 6x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 5x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Pick 94: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Sidney Moncrief
Stats: 5x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 5x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale, Kyrie Irving
Sidney Moncrief had a five year run from 1981-82 through 1985-86 where he was named an All-Star, All-NBA, and All-Defensive player every season. He’s the ’80s version of Kawhi Leonard.
Pick 95: Orlando Magic (John): Dave DeBusschere
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 8x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 6x All-Defensive, Hall 0f Fame
Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden, Carmelo Anthony
Finally, someone who isn’t a score-first ball dominant headcase.
Pick 96: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Bill Sharman
Stats: 4x NBA Champion, 8x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit, Derrick Rose
This just makes the Derrick Rose pick that much better dropping him on a team of ’50s and 60’s All-Stars.
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 12x All-Star, 12x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton, Tiny Archibald
Probably good to go by Dolph when your name is Adolph and you made your NBA debut in 1949.
Pick 99: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Jerry Lucas
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1963-64 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan, Hal Greer
This old timers team kinda kicks ass.
Pick 100: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Mitch Richmond
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1988-89 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Artis Gilmore
Mitch Richmond makes his long awaited return to the Kings to remind fans that he impacts winning 0% of the time.
Pick 101: Brooklyn Nets (John): Connie Hawkins
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 1x ABA MVP, 4x NBA all-Star (1x ABA), 1x All-NBA (2x All-ABA), Hall of Fame
Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton, David Thompson
Possibly the greatest basketball player of his era who got blackballed by the NBA until he was past his prime.
Pick 102: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Tim Hardaway Sr.
Stats: 5x All-Star, 5x All-NBA
Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Bob Lanier
Tim Hardaway and Kevin Garnett might be more exciting than Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen.
Pick 103: Chicago Bulls (John): Walt Bellamy
Stats: 4x All-Star, 1961-62 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones
Gives the small core some much-needed big beef.
Pick 104: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Nikola Jokic
Stats: 1x NBA MVP, 3x All-Star, 3x All-NBA
Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier, Pete Maravich
The reigning MVP adds a versatile point-center to pair with scoring machine Karl Malone in the frontcourt. Jokic, Frazier, and Maravich can all initiate the offense and create one of the most intriguing lineups so far.
Pick 105: Dallas Mavericks (John): Joel Embiid
Stats: 4x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive
Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes, Adrian Dantley
This team will grab every rebound that’s ever been available in the history of organized sports.
Pick 106: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Tom Heinsohn
Stats: 8x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 1956-57 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Steph Curry, Rick Barry, Dwight Howard
A swiss army knife that will help fans forget about the grade A assholes that populate the roster.
Pick 107: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Blake Griffin
Stats: 6x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 2010-11 ROY
Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller, Pau Gasol
Memphis just became the real lob city.
Pick 108: Washington Wizards (Phil): Chris Bosh
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 11x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin, Wes Unseld
Bosh was the third-wheel for two Heat Championships and might be the perfect fourth-wheel in Washington alongside beefy Wes Unseld.
Pick 109: Detroit Pistons (John): Kyle Lowry
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed, Luka Doncic
Lowry brings some added toughness to the backcourt and can take some ball-handling pressure off Luka Doncic.
For the first time in history the Celtics might be the sexiest tam in the league. Penny, Kobe, Dominique, and Dikembe make this the leader for League Pass team of the year.
Pick 111: Houston Rockets (John): Lenny Wilkens
Stats: 9x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady, Grant Hill
Between playing and coaching, Lenny Wilkens may have done more for the NBA than almost any other person.
Pick 112: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Kevin Johnson
Stats: 3x All-Star, 5x All-NBA
Teammates: Shaquille O’Neal, Paul Pierce, Manu Ginobili
The former mayor of Sacramento will need to bring his political savvy to keep this weird hodgepodge of players happy in Philly.
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton, Alex English
Reunites the ’96 Sonics dup that took Jordan’s 72-win Bulls to six games in the 1996 NBA Finals. The Wolves are finally back with one of the best first four picks in draft history.
Pick 114: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Joe Johnson
Stats: 7x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens
This is the official beginning of the “we don’t know what we’re doing” section of the draft.
Pick 115: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Dave Bing
Stats: 7x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 1966-67 ROY, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman
Just has to get the ball to Wilt and stay far away from Rodman for this to work.
Pick 116: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Yao Ming
Stats: 8x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker
Not sure if Yao is the perfect center to put next to Bill Russell or this is a horrible idea, but this frontline will get the people talking and made Charlotte the de facto most popular team worldwide.
Pick 117: Utah Jazz (John): Kevin Love
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King
Magic will love a big who can shoot threes who can also get him an in with the Beach Boys.
Pick 118: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Dan Issel
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 1x NBA All-Star (6x ABA), 5x All-ABA, 1970-71 ABA ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe
Scoring center who did most of his damage in the ABA should be an interesting fit next to Alonzo Mourning.
Pick 119: Miami Heat (John): Shawn Marion
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 2x All-NBA
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter
The Matrix gives the Heat an all-around presence who might have the wonkiest shooting motion of any borderline hall of famer.
Pick 120: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Bob Dandridge
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard
A two-time champ who can be MJ’s new poor-man’s Scottie Pippen.
Draft beer, the NBA Draft, the movie Draft Day, conscription; ok maybe not the last one, but drafts (for the most part) are fun. Everyone has a good time, the people getting drafted (again non-military) get to usually fulfill a lifelong dream while the people drafting are having fun, joy, and merriment (or going fast if you’re racing). In sports the draft is the beginning of a career and the best way to make you team better. In everyday life, people use drafts all of the time. Friends get together for a fantasy football draft, podcasters may have a friendly movie draft, or parents have a kid draft (you don’t want to be last in that one), but for the most part these hypothetical “just for fun” drafts are short and unfinished. Let’s change that.
Most previous All time NBA lists or drafts are capped at 100 players. “The top 100 players in NBA history”, “Re-drafting the first round of the 1984 NBA Draft”, “one player every team should draft”, and so on. It’s usually a fun exercise but I’m usually left wanting more. who is the 121st best player ever? So we decided to take all 30 current NBA teams and using a snake-draft format, draft a full 15-man roster for each team. If you can do math at home that’s 450 players in total plus a head coach for each franchise. If your immediate reaction is ” I can’t even think of 450 NBA players”, well neither can I so that’s not an excuse to sit this one out.
This whole exercise started out as a podcast which you can listen to here for even more expert analysis and insight on each pick. The reason this also turned into a blog is because I thought it would be easier for the listeners to keep track of all of the picks if I write them down because god knows we could hardly keep track of them ourselves.
The rules of the game were fairly simple. We took all 30 current NBA franchises and put them into a randomizer to get the draft order. We flipped a coin to see who would get the first pick (me) and then alternated teams between the two of us. When it came to drafting players there were no rules. If you wanted to take Stephon Marbury first, then you’re an idiot and kind of ruined the project, but no one is going to stop you. You could construct a team anyway you saw fit. All-point guards, only Europeans, every player from the 1992 Timberwolves, whatever you wanted to do was legal. Like the purge but for NBA nerds.
Without further ado, here are rounds 1-2 of the All-Time NBA Mega-Draft. (Don’t @ me if your favorite players are eight spots lower than where you would have taken them in your 450 person hypothetical draft.)
Round 1:The Building Blocks
Pick 1: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Michael Jordan
Stats: 6x NBA Champion, 5x NBA MVP, 6x Finals MVP, 14x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, 10x Scoring Champ, 1984-85 ROY, Hall of Fame
An absolute no-brainer of a first overall pick. MJ is quite clearly the greatest basketball player of all time and sadly still has the best Space Jam movie ever made. The GOAT could take a team of high school players and probably make the playoffs against the rest of the mega-draft field. It makes me happy that the Pacers got him, because they fucking hate him.
Pick 2: Miami Heat (John): Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Stats: 6x NBA Champion, 6x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 19x All-Star, 15x All-NBA, 11x All-Defensive, All-Time Leading Scorer, 2x Scoring Champ, 1969-70 ROY, Hall of Fame
LeBron fans are coming for John for denying a Heatles reunion and allowing him to fall past the second pick but Kareem is arguably the best big man ever and at any point between 1946 and 2015 would be the slam dunk player you wan to build your team around. Unfortunately for him it is 2021 and we’ve finally figured out that versatile wings are the most valuable players in the game. Kareem does have one thing going for him, he’s a better actor and MJ and LeBron.
A gift from the dumbass gods, somehow LeBron falls to the Nuggets with the third pick. Some will argue that he should have been the obvious number one pick (those people are wrong), but LeBron is clearly the best player we’ve seen since Jordan (and the worst actor). He’ll somehow get knocked in this exercise for building a super team, but that’s kind of the point.
Pick 4: Utah Jazz (John): Magic Johnson
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, 3x NBA MVP, 3x Finals MVP, 12x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Magic Johnson is going to fucking hate Salt Lake City. I give it about 16 games before he requests a trade to the Lakers or the Heat. His twitter handle will be a must follow during the season for all the obvious stuff he’s going to “notice” while he’s there. @MagicJohnson: Wow, sure is cold in Salt Lake City in February. @MagicJohnson: Awful lot of white people around me. @MagicJohnson (channeling his inner Eric Bledsoe): I don’t want to be here. He’ll still probably turn it into a party city.
Pick 5: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Bill Russell
Stats: 11x NBA Champion, 5x NBA MVP, 12x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Russell his going to bring his 11 rings to Charlotte and a franchise that doesn’t have a lot of experience winning. The best defensive player in NBA history is the perfect anchor for this smaller market team, and Russell will be a big part of the community as well. The perfect value/character pick at number five.
Pick 6: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Wilt Chamberlain
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 4x MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 13x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, All-Time Leader in Rebounds, 1959-60 ROY, 7x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Is it possible to have sex with every person in a city, because Wilt is definitely going to try it in Milwaukee bringing new meaning to the Cream City nickname. Wilt’s individual stats are legendary, but I’m worried how he’ll fair going up against the best of the best every night. Bill Russell owned him during their careers and Wilt never had anyone to match his height and athleticism. Now in a league with the likes of Shaq, David Robinson, and Giannis, it will be interesting to see how he holds up.
Pick 7: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Larry Bird
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 3x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 12x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive, 1979-80 Roy, Hall of Fame
The desert air will do wonders for Larry Legend’s back issues so Phoenix is the perfect landing spot for the three-time champ. The hick from French Lick can turn his good ole’ Midwestern persona into a modern day Wild West cowboy. Like Val Kilmer in Tombstone, Bird has a chance to walk around town spouting non sequiturs, calling people a daisy, and shooting the shit out of everyone he sees.
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 12x All-Star, 12x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
What better way to replace Kevin Garnett in Minnesota than a wholesale upgrade to Hakeem Olajuwon. The Dream is one of the most well-rounded players in the history of the NBA. He’s one of the best defensive players to ever do it, a two-time Defensive Player of the Year, and he had an array of post moves and made David Robinson his bitch in the 1995 Western Conference Finals. He’s the perfect player to build around and should give Wolves fans hope that John didn’t totally blow it for them already.
Pick 9: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Shaquille O’Neal
Stats: 4x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 3x Finals MVP, 15x All-Star, 14x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive, 1992-93 ROY, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Uh oh, 76ers fans just turned on Ben Simmons for missing a shit ton of free throws in the playoffs, and here comes Shaq, a career 52.7 percent free throw shooter that drops to 50.4 percent in the playoffs. Hack-a-Shaq will be in full force in Philly, but who the hell cares he’s the most physically dominant player of the last 40 years. Shaq can bully any other center in the paint whether he’s in shape or not (lay off the cheesesteaks perhaps) and is a slam dunk pick at 9.
Pick 10: Houston Rockets (John): Tim Duncan
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 3x Finals MVP, 15x All-Star, 15x All-NBA, 15x All-Defensive, 1997-98 ROY, Hall of Fame
Rounding out the top ten is the big fundamental himself Tim Duncan. TD presided over a dynasty in San Antonio, winning five championships from 1999 to 2014. He might not be the flashiest player ever, but Duncan got the job done and is arguably the greatest teammate since Bill Russell. He’s a steal with the tenth pick as any team built around Duncan will compete for a title for the next 15 years.
Pick 11: Boston Celtics (Phil): Kobe Bryant
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 18x All-Star, 15x All-NBA, 12x All-Defensive, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
I may never be able to show my face in Boston after taking Kobe Bryant with the 11th pick. Kobe might be on the Mount Rushmore of most hated players in Boston sports history. He beat the Celtics in 2010 to secure the fifth championship in his illustrious career. If the Celtics can get over the fact that he’s a lifetime Laker, they’ll instantly fall in love with his tenacity and drive to win, but it’s going to be hard to win over the Boston fans who love grit and grind stars like Dave Cowens and Kevin McHale above the flash and celebrity that Kobe brought back to the Lakers.
Pick 12: Detroit Pistons (John): Kevin Durant
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 11x All-Star, 9x All-NBA, 4x Scoring Champ, 2007-08 ROY
Detroit and Durant seem like a perfect fit. Everyone hated the Bad Boy Pistons in the ’80s, and everyone kind of hates KD today. He seems to be a natural shit stirrer a la Isiah Thomas back in the day. This exercise is tailor made for Durant, he gets to play with other all-time greats and build a super team and if people don’t like it, who cares because it’s not real. But mega-draft Twitter is real and KD will be the villain from day one.
Pick 13: Washington Wizards (Phil): Oscar Robertson
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 12x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 1960-61 ROY, Hall of Fame
It’s interesting that Washington just got rid of the new king of the triple double in Russell Westbrook and are bringing in the original triple double king in Oscar Robertson. The Big O averaged 30.4 points, 10 rebounds, and 10.7 assists per game over the first six seasons of his career. He didn’t win a championship until 1971 when he finally teamed up with Kareem, but Oscar is the ultimate Swiss Army Knife and the perfect point guard to build around.
Pick 14: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Julius Erving
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x ABA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 3x ABA MVP, 11x NBA All-Star (5x ABA), 7x All-NBA, 5x All-ABA, Hall of Fame
Memphis seems to be a small market that is actually built for Dr. J. He refused to go to Milwaukee in 1972, but Memphis is a bit cooler, jazzier than Memphis which fits the mythos surrounding Julius Erving. Arguably the sexiest player that ever lived both on and off the court, and will bring his fluid above the rim style of play to Tennessee, the Grit and Grind Grizzlies they are not. This will be the early favorite for the League Pass team of the year.
Pick 15: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Steph Curry
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 7x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 2x Scoring Champ
Had to do it. Steph Curry is Mr. Bay Area, they love him there. We’re going to sell a million jerseys and this is the first team that is prioritizing three-point shooting. Curry is the greatest shooter in history and will drag out old guards to the tree-point line and make them pick him up as soon as he crosses mid-court. Bob Cousy, Isiah Thomas, John Stockton and others are going to have a hell of a time chasing him all around the court for 48 minutes.
Pick 16: Dallas Mavericks (John): Moses Malone
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 12x NBA All-Star (1x ABA), 8x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Moses brings the big beef to Dallas as the fifth best rebounder ever. A three-time MVP, Malone finally took the 76ers over the hump when he was traded to Philly in 1982 and led them to the 1983 title. He doesn’t have much of a mid-range game, but can hold his own in the paint against bigger centers like Shaq and Wilt. Moses might be the most underrated and forgotten about inner-circle Hall of Famers and getting him at 16 is an absolute steal.
Pick 17: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Karl Malone
Stats: 2x NBA MVP, 14x All-Star, 14x All-NBA, 4x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
After just missing out on Moses, the Cavs have to settle for the other Malone, Karl. The Mailman was no slouch scoring 36,928 points in his career, second all time to Kareem. He teamed up with John Stockton to make two-straight NBA Finals in 1997 and 1998. Unfortunately, they ran into the Jordan Bulls buzzsaw and never got over the hump. Malone will need a good running mate, but can lead his team deep into the playoffs.
Pick 18: Chicago Bulls (John): Jerry West
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 14x All-Star, 12x All-NBA, 5x All-Defensive, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Jerry West was so good he once won Finals MVP in 1969 for the losing team. The fucking Logo was a next level scorer who could have scored 40 points per game if there was a three-point line in the ’60s. West made the All-Star team ever year of his career and was every bit the face of the league as Russell, Wilt, Oscar, and Elgin Baylor were. The Bulls won’t get their beloved Michael Jordan, but they get the original great two-way scoring guard in Jerry West.
Pick 19: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Kevin Garnett
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 15x All-Star, 9x All-NBA, 12x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Kevin Garnett is an absolute psycho and my favorite athlete ever, so I had to take him in the top-20 and give him to the Raptors. It kind of mirrors real life when he was drafted by the Timberwolves in 1995. Toronto is a newer franchise with little history in its side other than the Kawhi championship in 2019. Now, Garnett has a chance to go to a lesser franchise once again and become the face of sports in the city and bring his tenacity to build a winner in the frozen tundra. KG might be the most versatile player in the last 25 years. A 6’11” center with guard handles who can knock down mid-range shots in his sleep and step out to three all while being one of the greatest defenders of his era. The man almost took 34-year-old Sam Cassell and Latrell Sprewell to a championship. If he can do that, he can win in Toronto with anyone.
Pick 20: Brooklyn Nets (John): David Robinson
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 10x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 8x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, 1989-90 ROY, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
The Admiral better hope The Wolves are eliminated so he doesn’t have to see Olajuwon again in the playoffs, because we all know how that goes. Other than being Hakeem’s bitch, Robinson was one of the most physically gifted centers ever. A chiseled 7’1″ Adonis, Robinson was a dominant scorer before Duncan got there as well as a shut down defensive center. He’s a good building block but the nets will need to pair him with another all-time great in order to compete in the East.
Pick 21: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Dirk Nowitzki
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 14x All-Star, 12x All-NBA
Dirk was a one-man wrecking crew when he led the Mavericks to a title in 2011. He can do it all on offese. The best shooting big-man ever (not counting Karl-Anthony Towns yet) he patented the one leg fade away that became so lethal. He’s proven he can win a championship on his own, and he might need to do it again in Sacramento.
Pick 22: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Elgin Baylor
Stats: 11x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 1958-59 ROY, Hall of Fame
Baylor is the first player to really normalize playing above the rim. At 6’5″, 225-pounds, Baylor was a physical freak for the ’60s and no one could stop him from scoring at the rim. He averaged 27.4 points and 13.5 rebounds per game in his career as a small forward, and famously went 0-7 in NBA finals. He retired after nine games in the 1971-72 season in which the Lakers went on the win the championship. It’s fitting he goes to the Clippers, because he absolutely destroyed the franchise as their executive from 1986-2008. Let him play, but dear god don’t let him anywhere near the draft.
Pick 23: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Charles Barkley
Stats: 1x NBA MVP, 11x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Charles Barkley is bringing on a new era of the Jail Blazers and it will be spectacular. He is not a role model, but he’s going to be the face of Portland and the driving force to keep Portland weird. Barkley is arguably the best player ever to never win a championship thanks in large part to Michael Jordan, but he’s got a real shot to advance far in Portland, just keep him off the golf course and out of the casinos.
Most people nowadays remember D-Wade as Robin to LeBron’s Batman, the sidekick of the Heatles super team that won two titles and went to four-straight finals. We forget that young D-Wade put the Heat on his back and willed them to a championship in 2006. Yea he had Shaq, but Wade put in a finals for the ages and is a bonafide winner. The Hawks might be a dark horse, but don’w count out any team led by Flash.
Pick 25: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): John Havlicek
Stats: 8x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 13x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 8x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Most of the seven people who actually read this are probably wondering the same thing, who the heck is John Havlicek? Bill Simmons is probably furious that Hondo didn’t go inside the top 15. Havlicek was one of the most well-rounded players of his time. A teammate of Bill Russell’s on the ’60s Celtics, Havlicek won eight championships. It might be a tough ask to have him be the face of a franchise, but Hondo is undoubtedly one of the greatest team players in NBA history.
Pick 26: Orlando Magic (John): Allen Iverson
Stats: 1x NBA MVP, 11x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 4x Scoring Champ, 1996-97 ROY, Hall of Fame
Holy shit Allen Iverson at 26 is easily the reach of the draft so far. AI is a legend, don’t get me wrong, but are you really trying to build a team around him? I understand that he dragged Theo Ratlif and Eric Snow to the finals, but he didn’t do a ton of winning outside of that one MVP season. Hopefully John has a plan and surrounds Iverson with responsible teammates.
Kawhi is on pace to have the wonkiest resume of any top 30 players in the NBA. He was the 15th pick in 2011, slowly improved year-by-year to become a two-time Defensive Player of the Year and the 2014 Finals MVP with the Spurs. Then he sat out for almost a year while clashing with the Spurs staff about his foot injury. Then he got traded to Toronto, led them to a championship, and left after one season for the Clippers of all franchises. Now he has a chance to win three championships and three finals MVP’s with three different franchises. Only LeBron James has done that. A weird career for fun guy Kawhi.
Pick 28: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Isiah Thomas
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 12x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Dude’s probably reading this like “I met the qualifications to be drafted in the top 20, but they didn’t pick me.” Zeke is a top-five point guard ever, a good scorer and even better playmaker who can lead a team to the promised land as he did in back-to-back seasons with the Bad Boys. He just seems to rub people the wrong way and MJ will probably make it his personal mission to make sure Thomas doesn’t sniff the playoffs with the Pelicans.
Pick 29: New York Knicks (Phil): Giannis Antetokounmpo
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 5x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 4x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY
This pick is looking a lot better now that Giannis is a champion. He’s a modern day Shaq who can physically dominate the competition in the paint. Giannis has taken it to the next level and can handle the ball and drive to the basket. He’s a three-point shot away from becoming the greatest offensive weapon in history. Knicks fans are going to love him, I hope they have Chick-fil-A in NYC.
Pick 30: San Antonio Spurs (John): Chris Paul
Stats: 11x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 2005-06 ROY
Again, this pick looks a lot better now that CP3 finally made the finals for the first time in his 16-year career. Paul might be a bitch of a teammate, but is arguably the best two-way point guard of the modern era. He should be a perfect fit for the Spurs way of life, and a solid pick to finish off round one of the mega-draft.
Round 2: The Quickening
Pick 31: San Antonio Spurs (John): Patrick Ewing
Stats: 11x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive, 1985-86 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Chris Paul
Patrick Ewing is the ultimate “almost but not quite there” superstars in the NBA. He led the Knicks to the finals twice only to be thwarted by Hakeem’s Rockets in 1994 and injured against Duncan’s Spurs in the lockout-shortened 1999 season. It only fits all too well that he’s paired with Chris Paul, the other premier player in the last 25 years who has gotten so close but never won a championship. they should trade for Barkley.
Pick 32: New York Knicks (Phil): Steve Nash
Stats: 2x NBA MVP, 8x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Giannis Antetokounmpo
Steve Nash was one Robert Horry hip check away from a finals appearance in 2007, and never got another chance at a championship. He transformed Amar’e Stoudemire into an All-Pro player and would do wonders with Giannis catching lobs and running the pick-and-roll. The Knicks are back!
Pick 33: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Scottie Pippen
Stats: 6x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 10x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: (Checks notes) Isiah Thomas
Who the fuck is putting Scottie Pippen on the same team as Isiah Thomas? Zeke is probably sitting in his mansion thinking that this is a betrayal on levels that no one has ever seen! There are going to be nightly brawls in the locker room. I know every hates IT, but Scottie Pippen mega hates IT and is not afraid to remind everyone.
Pick 34: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Kevin McHale
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 6x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard
Now this is a team I can get behind. Kawhi can initiate the offense and create his own shot and Kevin McHale can do a lot of the dirty work down low. He’s one of the best post scorers we’ve seen and can hold his own alongside Kawhi on the defensive end. Very few holes in this team early on.
Remember when I said AI was a bad pick unless you surround him with responsible teammates? Yea, James Harden isn’t that kind of teammate, he’s basically beef stew Iverson with a beard. This team will never practice, never play defense, probably get on each other’s nerves, but this is the number one pick of strip clubs everywhere. I don’t know what the club scene is like in Orlando, but they’re about to make a lot of money.
Pick 36: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Bob Pettit
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 11x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 1954-55 ROY, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: John Havlicek
This team would win 19 championships if it was 1966. Alas, it’s 2021 so Hondo and Bullet Bob’s achievements have wasted away like those people on an M. Night Shymalan beach, but they’re two of the greatest to ever do it. Pettit made an All-NBA team every year of his career.
Pick 37: Atlanta Hawks (John): Anthony Davis
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 8x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 4x All-Defensive
Teammates: Dwyane Wade
John finally got his head out of his ass and made a good pick in the second round. AD is the perfect big to play alongside D-Wade. He dominated the Heat on his way to a championship with the Lakers and LeBron James in the bubble, and will form a formidable two-way duo with Wade.
Pick 38: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Bill Walton
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 2x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Charles Barkley
The prodigal son returns 44 years after leading the Blazers to a championship in 1977. A foot injury wreck Walton’s career, but the biggest Dead Head on national television was one of the best centers in history during his short prime. He’s so high right now he probably thinks it’s still 1978, and is definitely going to keep Portland weird.
Pick 39: Los Angeles Clippers (John): George Mikan
Stats: 5x BAA/NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 6x All-BAA/NBA, 3x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Elgin Baylor
Teaming the original GOAT with Elgin Baylor would be unstoppable in 1956. Mikan might have trouble matching up against the likes up Wilt and Shaq, but his fundamentals are unmatched and will bring a winning quality to this throwback team.
Pick 40: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Jason Kidd
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 10x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 1994-95 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki
Jason Kidd won a championship with Dirk in 2011 so why not run it back. Kidd was one of the most versatile point guards in league history and will be the exact opposite of what the Kings have gotten used to over the last two decades. We’ll have to make sure he isn’t allowed to drink soda on the sidelines though.
Pick 41: Brooklyn Nets (John): John Stockton
Stats: 10x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 5x All-Defensive, All-Time Leader in Assists, Hall of Fame
Teammates: David Robinson
This will be the least vaxxed team in the league. John Stockton was part of one of the most dynamic duos in the ’90s with Karl Malone, and has formed another dynamic duo post career teaming up with conspiracy theories. Stockton will not have many fans in Brooklyn.
Pick 42: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Ray Allen
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 10x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kevin Garnett
The biggest “what if” in Timberwolves history is finally answered by pairing KG with Ray Allen, just as god intended. The Wolves picked Allen with the fifth pick in the 1996 NBA Draft only to trade him to the Milwaukee Bucks for the fourth pick, Stephon Marbury. Marbury was a star alongside KG, but forced his way out of Minnesota after just 2.5 years. Ray Allen is one of the greatest shooting guards of all time and finally teamed up with Garnett in 2007 in Boston where the two won a championship and played in two NBA Finals. Oh, what could have been if they had been able to team up in Minnesota for a decade in the prime of their careers. Could they have won a championship? Possibly, KG took the Wolves to the Western Conference Finals in 2004 and was a Sam Cassell hip injury away from taking down the Lakers. Allen led the Bucks to an improbable run the the Eastern Conference Finals in 2001. It still haunts me to this day. I need answers, and that’s why I finally did it. Lets finally see what you could have done together.
Pick 43: Chicago Bulls (John): Bob Cousy
Stats: 6x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 13x All-Star, 12x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Jerry West
Jerry West and Bob Cousy would be your dad’s favorite team. Cousy was a baller even before teaming up with Bill Russell, and he can run the show while West racks up the points.
Pick 44: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Walt Frazier
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 7x All Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Karl Malone
Walt Frazier might be one of the most underrated players from the ’70s but he led the Knicks to glory twice and is an NYC legend on par with Joe Namath. He’d pair well with Karl Malone and bring some glitz and glam to Cleveland.
Pick 45: Dallas Mavericks (John): Elvin Hayes
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 12x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Moses Malone
The beef boys are ready to grab every rebound in Dallas. Malone is third all-time in rebounds and Elvin Hayes is sixth. The lane is gonna be clogged, but no frontline will be able to matchup with this duo.
Pick 46: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Rick Barry
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 8x NBA All-Star (4x ABA), 6x All NBA, 4x All-ABA, 1965-66 ROY, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Steph Curry
If Steph Curry is the most beloved player in Warriors history, Rick Barry might be the most reviled. Barry was an asshole, but god dammit he could score. One of the best scoring forwards ever he led the Warriors to a championship in 1975. Fans will hate him (and his kids) but he and Steph would be unstoppable.
Pick 47: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Reggie Miller
Stats: 5x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Julius Erving
Memphis may have just skyrocketed towards the top of the League Pass rankings with this pick. Reggie Miller is one of the most fun players to love, and even more fun to hate.
Pick 48: Washington Wizards (Phil): George Gervin
Stats: 9x NBA All-Star (3x ABA), 7x All-NBA, 2x All-ABA, 4x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Oscar Robertson
The Iceman might not be the best fit alongside a high usage point guard in Oscar, but they will be one of the hardest backcourts to defend. The two Hall of Famers could each go off for 50 on any given night. The defense might not be amazing, but Gervin will sell tickets.
Pick 49: Detroit Pistons (John): Willis Reed
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 7x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive, 1964-65 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kevin Durant
Willis Reed seems like a perfect fit in Detroit. He’s tough, plays hurt in game 7, and sounds like he should have been a Motown star. Reed’s motor and Durant’s scoring prowess will do damage and could be the perfect mid-pick pairing at 12 and 49 respectively.
Pick 50: Boston Celtics (Phil): Dominique Wilkins
Stats: 9x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kobe Bryant
Holy shit the Celtics just became the most exciting team ever assembled with Dominique and Kobe. Two of the best dunkers ever, the days of team play and fundamentals are over in Boston. Yes, Wilkins never won in the NBA and never got out of the second round, but that’s why you pair him with one of the best winners ever. Dominique can just run around and dunk on everyone for three quarters and then get the fuck out of Kobe’s way in the fourth. Boston might not be the best team out there, but dammit it’s going to be everyone’s favorite.
Pick 51: Houston Rockets (John): Tracy McGrady
Stats: 7x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Tim Duncan
TMac returns to Houston to team up with Houston’s tormentor for 20 years in Tim Duncan. He’s the Riggs to Duncan’s Murtaugh.
Pick 52: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Paul Pierce
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 10x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Shaquille O’Neal
Pierce is going to shit his pants the first time the 76ers fans boo him for only scoring 19 points in a big game. Hack-a-Shaq will be in full effect after watching Ben Simmons’ free throw meltdown in the playoffs last year. Things could get flushed down the toilet quickly in Philly.
Pick 53: Minnesota Timberwolves (John): Gary Payton
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 9x All-Star, 9x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon
GP made the finals with Shawn Kemp in 1996. Olajuwon is a 5000% upgrade over Kemp, and should be able to take Payton to the promised land. This is the best defensive team in the league already and will play scrappy. David Robinson is going to have nightmares about this team.
Larry bird is going to throw hands with Westbrook the first time Russ dribbles up the court and takes a pull up three late in the shot clock without passing to anyone.
Pick 55: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Clyde Drexler
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 10x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain
This is a wonky fit in Milwaukee. Wilt is going to be distracted by the bustling Wisconsin nightlife so Drexler will have to carry the load day to day. The last pro player selected to the dream team could feel another slight falling to the 55th pick and work up a dark-horse MVP season.
Pick 56: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): James Worthy
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 7x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Bill Russell
Two of the greatest winners ever form an interesting foundation to a team that might not be flashy but will do the little things to get the job done.
Pick 57: Utah Jazz (John): Bob McAdoo
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1972-73 ROY, 3x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Magic Johnson
McAdoo has some big shoes to fill as he takes Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s spot as Magic’s running-mate. McAdoo is no Kareem, but was a dominate center in his own right in the ’70s.
Pick 58: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Alonzo Mourning
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: LeBron James
If he had two good kidneys, Alonzo Mourning would be 10-20 spots higher in this draft. After Shaq, Olajuwon, David Robinson, and Ewing; Mourning was probably the next best center during the heyday in the ’90s. He and LeBron create one of the most imposing frontlines in the league and will be nearly impossible to score on.
Pick 59: Miami Heat (John): Dennis Johnson
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Kareem gets the defensive-minded point guard who guided the Sonics to a championship before two championship runs with Larry Bird and the gang in Boston in the ’80s. John could have had DJ in the third round, but you can’t fault him for taking the three-time champ.
Pick 60: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Robert Parish
Stats: 4x NBA Champion, 9x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Michael Jordan
MJ gets his former teammate (Yea Parish finished his long career in Chicago) for another run at a title together. Parish is almost underrated because of his longevity and being overshadowed by Larry Bird and Kevin McHale, but he is one of the best centers ever and will pair beautifully with Jordan. What a steal with the last pick of the second round.
Two months into quarantine and things are ever so slightly starting to loosen up. It couldn’t have come at a better time because people are running out of things to do. First we had Tiger King to entertain us during the lockdown, then trash reality tv shows like Love is Blind and Too Hot To Handle shamed us into watching them. Arguably the most enthralling television phenomenon that people around the world followed religiously was The Last Dance, the 10-part documentary chronicling the life and career of the greatest athlete of all-time, Michael Jordan, and the 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls.
The Last Dance was rushed to come out during the lockdown and kept sports and non-sports fans entertained for the last five weeks. The last two episodes of the doc aired Sunday night and now there is an Air Jordan sized hole in the entertainment landscape for the millions of people who are still on lockdown. The natural question following the final episode is “who else could have a Last Dance style documentary?
There are thousands of famous athletes that could and have been subjects of documentaries over the years, but how many of them could live up to Michael Jordan? The answer is not many. Jordan is the most famous athlete of all-time across any sport and took the NBA global in the ’90s. No one would quite have the same allure as Jordan, and most athletes didn’t let a film crew follow them around for a full year to document their final title run.
There would have to be some criteria that athletes would have to meet before we pick which five athletes could have a 10-part documentary about them. First and foremost, the subject athlete would have to still be alive. You need to be able to talk to them and have all-encompassing interviews like the producers had with Jordan for The Last Dance. You wouldn’t want to have to rely on archival interviews and footage for your 10-part project. Unfortunately that crosses off several great candidates including: Muhammad Ali, Jackie Robinson, Babe Ruth, Wilt Chamberlain, and most tragically Kobe Bryant. The other obvious criteria for any documentary is the subject has to have an interesting story. Jordan isn’t just interesting because he was the best, he had a great story. He wasn’t a prodigy, he had to work hard, he didn’t win for years, then became the face of the NBA and basketball around the world, he had the signature shoes, he was in Space Jam, he up and retired at the height of his career, there’s signature games to recall, a cast of characters to interview, and dozens of subplots to bring to light. Would that be the same for say LeBron James? He was a prodigy, has always been the best, didn’t win, made a decision, won some championships and is very famous. Does that sound quite as interesting? No scandals other than his handling of the decision makes him a poor subject for a 10-part series. There would be little to no drama so historically boring guys without great stories like LeBron, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Tim Duncan and others would be out because it would be too boring.
So that leaves us with a slightly shorter list of athletes that could have a The Last Dance type documentary made. Here are my five picks that fit the criteria and could carry a 10-part documentary that people would care about.
1.) Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods is probably the only athlete to come close to Jordan’s global popularity in the 21st Century. Woods is arguably the greatest and most important golfer of all-time. He rose to popularity in the mid-to-late 1990’s and was an absolute rock star from 1997-2008. Then it all came crashing down. Most know the story. Woods injured his leg, missed some time on the tour, then all of a sudden his wife was smashing his car with a golf club and we found he he banged every one except that wasn’t his wife while he was married. He had a popularity tailspin, his injuries mounted and most thought he was washed up for the better part of a decade. Then in April of last year, Woods roared back to the forefront and won the Masters, a comeback story for the ages. This documentary would have every element and you have a cast of characters to speak to including Woods, his caddies, others on the tour that he clashed with like Phil Mickelson, maybe coax his ex-wife into an interview, Lindsey Vonn and a whole cast of others along the way. This is the one athlete that I think, if done right, could come close to and possibly eclipse the popularity of The Last Dance.
2.) Mike Tyson
Mike Tyson is basically Dennis Rodman level crazy and Michael Jordan level athletic. Tyson was on of the most popular boxers and athletes of all-time during his prime. He was a knockout king, helped make boxing more palatable for the next generation into the ’90s, had his own video game and also had a lot of problems. He was nuts, he bit Evander Holyfield’s ear off, went to jail, his fall in the ring was as fast and shocking as his rise, and there have to be other Tyson stories that we haven’t heard yet that he could shed some light on during the interviews. Aside from Tyson you get Holyfield and other boxers of his era, lug in guys like Don King, the guys from the Hangover, and literally anyone from the ’80s and ’90s to talk about the Tyson era. It would be incredibly funny, dark, and one of the most interesting docu-series’ ever made. The only knock is there is already a Tyson doc, but it’s over 10-years-old and only about 90 minutes long. The more in-depth you get with Tyson, the more exciting little nuggets you will get.
3.) Barry Bonds
A Bonds documentary would be the hardest one to get made because it would hinge on him admitting that he did a shit ton of steroids, which he will never do, but the subject is interesting. Bonds is one of the greatest baseball players of all-time and the centerpiece of the biggest scandal in MLB history. He holds records that many in the game don’t acknowledge, and had a horrible relationship with the media and fans during his playing days. For the doc you have Bonds sit down like Jordan, drinking and smoking a big cigar, you somehow get him to open up and press him about the steroids and hopefully he admits what he did. You craft other stories with interviews with the other steroid users from the era including a Rodmanesque appearance from Jose Canseco, talk to Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, ARod, and let them attack Bonds for being the reason they all got caught. Talk to some slimballs from Balco and a bunch of trainers who were around Bonds and injected him or watched him do steroids and pin him down. This would be a pretty combative documentary but if he finally admits it, the 10-part series could be groundbreaking.
4.) Brett Favre
Trust me, a Favre documentary would be better than you think. His life and career have a lot more layers and most fans remember. He was incredibly popular in the ’90s and arguably the face of the league for a few years. Favre was a lot of fun for Packers fans and many other fans to root for, and is now almost a punchline 10 years after his career ended. A Favre doc could get into his early career and trade to the Packers, his rise to success and fame, addiction and rehab, comeback and Super Bowl win, Monday Night Football game after his dad died, eventual demise in Green Bay and feud with Aaron Rodgers, retirement saga, resurfacing with the Jets and then Vikings, almost taking Minnesota to a Super Bowl, iron man starting streak, subsequent sexual harassment accusations, and many other storylines. We get absolute gold during our interviews with Favre himself on his farm/ranch in Mississippi. Talk to his teammates and coaches (especially Mike Holmgren), get some good perspective from his wife, and bring in John Madden to just jerk him off for ten hours. Favre is simultaneously one of the most exciting, maddening, fun, and tragic figures in NFL history and would make for a surprisingly deep 10-part documentary.
5.) Bill Russell
We need someone to round out the list who wasn’t at the height of their career during the ’90s. Bill Russell retired over 50 years ago, but his impact on the NBA and sports is still being felt. Russell is one of the five greatest basketball players of all-time and led the Boston Celtics to 11 championships, making him the greatest winner in basketball history. Russell played in an era where Black players were treated like second class citizens, and had to fight just to be respected. He was integral in the civil rights movement and one of the most important activists of his time. Russell would have great perspective on the entire history of the NBA, and it would be incredible to hear what he has to say about his fellow NBA super stars like Wilt Chamberlain, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, and LeBron James. You get other NBA legends talking about how Russell was the gold standard and motivated them to win. Get interviews with other activists from the time and talk about his activism. Even though most young sports fans might not have the same relationship with Russell as they do with Michael Jordan, Russell’s story is one worth telling.
Some honorable mentions who didn’t quite make the cut included: Hank Aaron, Lawrence Taylor, Willie Mays, Magic Johnson, Jim Brown, Kareem-Abdul Jabbar, Serena Williams, Michael Phelps, and Deion Sanders.
Dunking on Oxford 