NBA Power Rankings According to the Roy Family (And Friends)

We’re a quarter of the way through the 2021-22 NBA season and like any good business, teams are evolving before our eyes. The Warriors’ stock is back to pre-Durant levels, the Suns can’t fucking lose, while the Lakers are just trying to survive the next shareholders meeting. But the fun thing about the NBA is that anything can happen over the next 60-plus games. Teams that have a hot first can still find themselves tanking at the season’s end, middling teams can get hot down the stretch, and injuries can and will wreak havoc on a team’s bottom line. As the calendar flips to December it’s time to buckle down, consolidate power, and for some, it might be time for a blood sacrifice to scrape their way into the play-in tournament.

1.) Golden State Warriors

2.) Phoenix Suns

3.) Brooklyn Nets

4.) Milwaukee Bucks

5.) Utah Jazz

6.) Miami Heat

7.) Chicago Bulls

8.) Philadelphia 76ers

9.) Washington Wizards

10.) Atlanta Hawks

11.) Los Angeles Clippers

12.) Charlotte Hornets

13.) New York Knicks

14.) Dallas Mavericks

15.) Minnesota Timberwolves

16.) Denver Nuggets

17.) Boston Celtics

18.) Los Angeles Lakers

19.) Cleveland Cavaliers

20.) Portland Trail Blazers

21.) Memphis Grizzlies

22.) Toronto Raptors

23.) Indiana Pacers

24.) Sacramento Kings

25.) San Antonio Spurs

26.) Oklahoma City Thunder

27.) New Orleans Pelicans

28.) Detroit Pistons

29.) Orlando Magic

30.) Houston Rockets

NBA Power Rankings According to Roy Kent

It’s been a weird start to the NBA’s 75th season, almost as weird as an American football coach making his way to the English Premier League. The Ben Simmons saga, Kyrie Irving’s flat galaxy brain, and the Minnesota Timberwolves are the most fun basketball team of all time. It’s hard to judge how good a team actually is when every team has played either two or three games, but it’s time for overreactions six days into the new season. Are the Lakers going to miss the playoffs? Will Karl-Anthony Towns and Anthony Edwards share the MVP award, and can the Thunder actually go 0-82. What better way to sum up the warm feeling we all get when the NBA returns and the internal rage at some of the early storylines that have nothing to do with basketball than the Legend Roy Kent. Because just like Ben Simmons trade rumors (and Covid), he’s here, he’s there, he’s every fucking where.

1.) Milwaukee Bucks

2.) Utah Jazz

3.) Golden State Warriors

4.) Philadelphia 76ers

5.) Chicago Bulls

6.) Charlotte Hornets

7.) Denver Nuggets

8.) Miami Heat

9.) Atlanta Hawks

10.) Brooklyn Nets

11.) Memphis Grizzles

12.) New York Knicks

13.) Portland Trail Blazers

14.) Los Angeles Lakers

15.) Minnesota Timberwolves

16.) Washington Wizards

17.) Phoenix Suns

18.) Indiana Pacers

19.) Toronto Raptors

20.) Dallas Mavericks

21.) Cleveland Cavaliers

22.) Sacramento Kings

23.) San Antonio Spurs

24.) Boston Celtics

25.) Houston Rockets

26.) Los Angeles Clippers

27.) Orlando Magic

28.) Detroit Pistons

29.) New Orleans Pelicans

30.) Oklahoma City Thunder

NBA Power Rankings According to Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington would come into the NBA and immediate become the greatest coach of all-time. He took the raggedy Titans and turned them into the greatest defensive team in the history of high school football and cured racism along the way. In He Got Game Denzel became the greatest force in NCAA recruiting history by getting out of prison and getting his son Jesus Shuttlesworth (AKA Ray Allen) to go to Big State. That’s like of I told LeBron James to go to Minnesota just for shits and he fucking did and won a national championship. Even Alonzo Harris inspired sad boy Jake Hoyt to become a great cop. Dude didn’t have the drive until Detective Harris left him for dead and tried to set him up for some crimes, a real motivator. Hell, he could take the Timberwolves and turn them into a contender, just gotta get out the PCP.

1.) Brooklyn Nets

2.) Utah Jazz

3.) Philadelphia 76ers

4.) Milwaukee Bucks

5.) Phoenix Suns

6.) Los Angeles Lakers

7.) Los Angeles Clippers

8.) Denver Nuggets

9.) Portland Trail Blazers

10.) Dallas Mavericks

11.) Miami Heat

12.) San Antonio Spurs

13.) Golden State Warriors

14.) Boston Celtics

15.) Atlanta Hawks

16.) New York Knicks

17.) Memphis Grizzlies

18.) Indiana Pacers

19.) Charlotte Hornets

20.) New Orleans Pelicans

21.) Chicago Bulls

22.) Toronto Raptors

23.) Oklahoma City Thunder

24.) Cleveland Cavaliers

25.) Washington Wizards

26.) Sacramento Kings

27.) Orlando Magic

28.) Minnesota Timberwolves

29.) Detroit Pistons

30.) Houston Rockets

Now we just gotta get Will Patton to sign on as the Timberwolves’ defensive specialist. We are the Timberwolves, the mighty mighty Timberwolves. Quick comp of the Wolves and Titans rosters. KAT is Gerry Bertier, Anthony Edwards is Julius, Rubio is sunshine (obviously), DLo is Petey, Beasley is Gosling, Naz is Blue, and Glen Taylor is Ray (the racist one), lastly I’m Hayden Panettiere but with way more swearing.

NBA Power Rankings According to Ben Affleck

“What the fuck is the internet”

“The internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.”

Wise words from the patron saint of Dunkin’ Donuts Ben Affleck. The internet is now a place where people can share their NBA power rankings with a lot of unrelated Ben Affleck GIFs. Three weeks into the season and basically all of the NBA is 5-5, with a few standouts and several clunkers, much like Affleck’s career. But you know what the best part of my day is? It’s the ten seconds before the games begin because I let my self think the games might end and the Timberwolves won’t be losing, they just won. Now I don’t know much, but I do know that.

1.) Los Angeles Lakers

2.) Los Angeles Clippers

3.) Philadelphia 76ers

4.) Milwaukee Bucks

5.) Phoenix Suns

6.) Boston Celtics

7.) Indiana Pacers

8.) Brooklyn Nets

9.) Dallas Mavericks

10.) Utah Jazz

11.) Denver Nuggets

12.) Portland Trail Blazers

13.) Golden State Warriors

14.) Miami Heat

15.) Orlando Magic

16.) Atlanta Hawks

17.) San Antonio Spurs

18.) Houston Rockets

19.) New Orleans Pelicans

20.) Charlotte Hornets

21.) Oklahoma City Thunder

22.) New York Knicks

23.) Toronto Raptors

24.) Chicago Bulls

25.) Cleveland Cavaliers

26.) Sacramento Kings

27.) Memphis Grizzlies

28.) Washington Wizards

29.) Minnesota Timberwolves

30.) Detroit Pistons

The internet has given everyone in America a voice. For some reason, I decided to use that voice to bitch about Ben Affleck. Affleck, if you’re reading, you the bomb in Phantoms yo!

2020-21 Preseason NBA Rankings According to Kurt Russell

This is Phil Ford in the Dunking on Oxford blog and I’m talking to whoever’s listening out there. The NBA season is just two weeks away, and a lot has happened since last season ended just two months ago. Who better to convey where each team stands before the season kicks off than our lord and savior Kurt Russell? So take my advice on a dark and stormy offseason when the trades are crashing and free agency is rolling and the terrible signings are coming down in sheets thick as lead. Just remember what I said when the season starts and the poison takes fall from the Twitter, and the pillars of basketball shake. I look that internet troll right square in the eye and I say “give me your best shot pal, I can take it.”

1.) Los Angeles Lakers

2.) Milwaukee Bucks

3.) Los Angeles Clippers

4.) Miami Heat

5.) Brooklyn Nets

6.) Denver Nuggets

7.) Boston Celtics

8.) Philadelphia 76ers

9.) Dallas Mavericks

10.) Toronto Raptors

11.) Portland Trail Blazers

12.) Utah Jazz

13.) Phoenix Suns

14.) Golden State Warriors

15.) Houston Rockets

16.) New Orleans Pelicans

17.) Washington Wizards

18.) Indiana Pacers

19.) Memphis Grizzlies

20.) Atlanta Hawks

21.) Minnesota Timberwolves

22.) Sacramento Kings

23.) Orlando Magic

24.) Chicago Bulls

25.) San Antonio Spurs

26.) Charlotte Hornets

27.) Detroit Pistons

28.) New York Knicks

29.) Oklahoma City Thunder

30.) Cleveland Cavaliers

Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. If these rankings prove to be horribly wrong by the end of the season…call Adam Silver.