NBA Teams as Oxford Colleges

Atlanta Hawks/Pembroke College

Really happy to be here.

Boston Celtics/Balliol College

Both were better 500 years ago.

Brooklyn Nets/Wadham College

God damn hipsters!

Charlotte Hornets/Linacre College

Straight trash homie.

Chicago Bulls/New College

Got really cool all of a sudden in the 80’s and 90’s

Cleveland Cavaliers/Lincoln

Pretends they’re special because they had something nice once.

Dallas Mavericks/Magdalen College

You won one championship 10 years ago, calm down.

Denver Nuggets/ Lady Margaret Hall

Pretty trendy all of a sudden.

Detroit Pistons/Merton College

Zero fun, sir.

Golden State Warriors/St. John’s College

Rich as shit.

Houston Rockets/Oriel College

A lot of controversy going on at the moment.

Indiana Pacers/Mansfield

total mismatch, a lot of great stuff mixed with utter trash.

Los Angeles Clippers/Keble College

Really beautiful, but does anyone actually like them? probably not so much.

Los Angeles Lakers/Christ Church College

Full of 18-year-olds who think they’re influencers.

Memphis Grizzlies/St. Peter’s

Grind City.

Miami Heat/Exeter College

Going to fuck you up.

Milwaukee Bucks/The Queen’s College

Front and center but don’t compare to their rivals.

Minnesota Timberwolves/ Harris Manchester College

I love them but nobody else even knows they exist.

New Orleans Pelicans/Worcester College

Bandwagon fans are fun…for awhile.

New York Knicks/All Souls

Rich and steeped in tradition, but ultimately little to no actual substance.

Oklahoma City Thunder/Brasenose College

Kind of responsible for Brexit and the relocation of the Sonics, RIP.

Orlando Magic/Somerville College

Margaret Thatcher seems like she would have some thoughts about Disney World.

Philadelphia 76ers/University College

Trust the process.

Phoenix Suns/St. Hugh’s College

At least they’re trying.

Portland Trail Blazers/Jesus College

Basically Wales.

Sacramento Kings/Corpus Christi College

Close in proximity to greatness, but sucks itself.

San Antonio Spurs/Hertford College

They’re just there year after year after year.

Toronto Raptors/Wolfson College

New, way the fuck up north, and pretty ugly.

Utah Jazz/St. Cross

Pusey House.

Washington Wizards/Trinity College

Fucking hate how much better the Celtics/Balliol have always been.

Ranking European Places I’ve Visited

You’ve heard the corporate bullshit during the first month and a half of the Coronavirus pandemic. Welcome to our new normal, in these unsettling times, we’re all coping with this in different ways, whatever whatever. Days in quarantine consist of some combination of working out, reading, watching movies, playing old PS2 games, and mostly drinking. Quarantine was fun for about five days, but now the cabin fever has set in and all I want to do is be anywhere but my flat (hey look I’m British now).

So instead of not putting pants on for a third straight day, I decided to take a trip down memory lane and rank all of the places that I was lucky enough to visit in Europe before the pandemic hit (thanks Obama). Some criteria taken into account in these rankings includes: amount of visitor attractions and things for tourists to do, quality of local food and beverages, nightlife, accommodations, weather, the overall vibe of the city, and other factors. Also I’m going to say I will only be ranking places that I have spent at least one night in. I’ve been to a few other places around England, but if it was just a quick day trip I won’t rank it since I didn’t have time to get the real vibe of the city. Without any more corporate bullshit or emails from the CEO of a company you forgot you bought something from in 2014, here’s the list.

 

18.) Canterbury, England

I don’t have anything bad to say about Canterbury. It’s a fine little town in southern England with one of the best Cathedrals in the country, but that’s about it. It’s cute, but you don’t really want to spend more than an afternoon there. It has a really nice Subway though!

Canterbury Cathedral

17.) Glasgow, Scotland

Glasgow itself is like spending a night in the Milwaukee of England. I’m sure if you lived there you would enjoy the city, the nightlife, and the vibe of Glasgow. As a visitor though there’s just not much going on. A cathedral and cemetery are the two big highlights. If not for access to Loch Lomond which is about an hour train ride away, Glasgow would have been a real disappointment, just like Milwaukee.

Loch Lomond

Glasgow Cathedral

 

16.) Bristol, England

Bristol is one of the biggest cities in the United Kingdom, and we did everything worth doing there in one afternoon. Know more for its university students doing ketamine than really anything else, Bristol is a place where if you spend more than a night, you need to re-evaluate your life goals.

The Clifton Suspension Bridge

15.) Cambridge, England

Home of Cambridge Analytica, that other university, and the nastiest Weatherspoon’s known to man, the Regal. Americans, imagine you’re in a Chili’s. Now imagine this Chili’s transforms into a low-end nightclub in the evening. No matter where you are standing in the Regal your feet will stick to the floor. Now also imagine this is the absolute best nightclub in the entire city. This is where people want to go on a night out, not just another option. It’s cool, it’s popular, and it’s a hell pit full of 16 year olds with fake IDs. The Regal perfectly sums up the whole Cambridge vibe, trashy for 800 years and counting. Cambridge also has a really shitty rowing team that’s never beaten Oxford ever, take my word for it and don’t look it up.

King’s College

14.) Dover, England

The city of Dover itself sucks a lot. If we were solely ranking by how shitty the town was, Dover would be far and away the worst place I’ve visited. It’s the Moorhead of England. The town is small, run down, void of any really good restaurants or shops or anything interesting at all. I will go as far to say that I hate the town. But it does have two major saving graces. The first is Dover has a kick-ass castle. Dover Castle has been menacing and terrifying the people of southern England for almost 1,000 years. It has thwarted invasions from the French, used as a royal residence, and even housed underground operations during WWII. Dover castle has never stopped protecting the British and believe me they need all the protection they can get.

Dover Castle

The other great thing about Dover are the world famous white cliffs. The white chalk cliffs are high as fuck above the English Channel with a sometimes terrifying path along the top. It’s a great hike, just don’t look up how many people fall off the cliffs every year (it’s probably more than you think).

White Cliffs of Dover

13.) Bath, England

Pretty self explanatory. Other than the Roman Bath that gives the city its name, Bath has an array of other interesting things to keep visitors entertained for a weekend. The Royal Crescent is a posh part of town on top of a hill with a pretty sick view, also Nic Cage used to own a house there. Right next to the Bath is Bath Abbey, one of the better churches in a country full of old churches. Most importantly Bath is home to the actual bridge that Russell Crowe jumps off of and commits suicide from as Javert at the end of Les Miserables. That’s pretty fucking cool that a bridge in Bath can pass as fucking Paris, not many places can say that. Bath is weird and that’s why I love it.

Roman Bath

12.) Bournemouth, England

Bournemouth is maybe the biggest surprise on the entire list. When I tell people from the UK that I’ve been to Bournemouth, most are silently judging me while the others ask why the hell did we decide to go there? The answer to that question is very simple. One day after living in England for about six months Jenny decided that since she lives on an Island she really needed to see the sea. That made way too much sense so we planned a cheap, quick trip to Bournemouth and it was fantastic. Bournemouth is a beautiful seaside city with miles and miles of pristine beach. Even though we were there in February, we enjoyed a long, quiet walk up and down the beach with nobody else around to bother us as the English tend to do everywhere we go. It’s basically Dover but not nearly as methed out.

Old Harry Rocks

11.) Wales, United Kingdom

Wales is where the British go to get away from themselves. Unlike most of southern England, Wales has been left more or less untouched. The country boasts some great national parks, rivers, lakes, and even Snowdon, the highest mountain in the UK outside of the Scottish Highlands. The one issue with Wales that we faced is that the weather is unpredictable. We tried to climb Snowdon on what we thought was a pretty nice day. It started out sunny, got a little cloudy as we hiked, but the minute we started climbing it started raining and eventually fucking pouring. We eventually had to turn around before we reached the top because we could hardly see where we were going and we might have been blown off the mountainside. That is the wettest and probably coldest I’ve ever been, and I was dumb enough not to have a change of clothes or shoes for the rest of the trip. Lesson learned, when going to Wales, assumes it’s going to suck.

Betws-y-Coed

10.) Oxford, England

Oxford is probably the hardest city to rate on this list because it is where I live. Oxford is equal parts historic, beautiful, interesting, fun, home, but at times can also be 100 percent boring as hell. I always tell people that you can see everything you need to see in Oxford in two days. There are 38 colleges that make Oxford University, a few world class museums, a bunch of old pubs, and even Blenheim Palace not far up the road. Seemingly that’s enough to fill a week long visit, or keep one entertained at all times while living in the historic city. As lee Corso would say, “not so fast”. Oxford is great don’t get me wrong, but there are only so many times you can visit colleges, go to the same museum, or drink at the same albeit cool pubs until it gets a little mundane. Oxford is a small town masquerading as an international metropolis. Being involved with the university and going to formal dinners and balls is a whole lot of fun, believe me, if the trashcans on Broad Street could talk they would tell some pretty great stories about my time at said balls. The highs of Oxford are as high as any other city, but the day-to-day living gets a bit mundane. I guess that’s the issue with a lot of people out there, put them in a cool city like nothing they’ve ever seen before and inevitably they will get bored to some degree. The one thing that would make this place jump five spots in the list is sports. If UK universities had sports like colleges in the United States, Oxford would be like if you put Alabama football, Kentucky Basketball, and Cambridge rowing (like I said, don’t look up how many times Oxford has lost The Boat Race in a row) in one of the oldest, and most beautiful cities in the modern world. Sports make everything better.

Radcliffe Camera

Bridge of Sighs

9.) Dublin, Ireland

As we make our way inside the top ten, we somehow hit the most disappointing entry on the list. Dublin is a wonderful city, but it just doesn’t rise to the level of some other better cities on the list. I would have originally assumed Dublin would be higher than the next entry that we’ll see in a moment, but It just doesn’t stand out in any real way other one, drinking. All of the best parts of Dublin involve drinking, as they absolutely should. The Guinness Factory is one of the top five coolest places I’ve ever been, and some of the pubs in Dublin are amazing, but outside of drinking the Irish capital doesn’t offer all that much. I love beer and whisky as much as or more than anyone else, but I need something more in a major city.

Guinness Factory

8.) Edinburgh, Scotland

Edinburgh is essentially what I wanted out of Dublin; a shit ton of whisky and some other stuff to do. It is number two on the list of places I would want to live if I could live anywhere. It has a super menacing castle in the middle of a city, and a huge crag/hill called Arthur’s Seat just outside of the city center with great views of the entire region. The Royal Mile from Edinburgh Castle to Holyrood Palace can get pretty busy, but it is one of the most interesting city centers in the UK. The best thing about Scotland is the people. You can pop int a corner pub somewhere and nobody bothers you and the bartender isn’t a huge tool, completely different than souther England. In Scotland you actually want to be around the people instead of actively avoiding them. Edinburgh is the perfect mix of not too big but bustling enough to be constantly interesting that makes you wish you could pick up and move there.

Arthur’s Seat

Edinburgh Castle

7.) Mallorca, Spain

Mallorca is easily the most different place on the list. we ditched the stuffy English market towns for the sunny beaches of Mallorca. We needed a fun, relaxing beach vacation so Jenny arranged everything for my birthday as a surprise. Being the asshole that I am I made her let me guess where we were going, did some key research and figured out that we were going to Mallorca (I’m a fun person to live with I swear). All four days in Mallorca were over 95 degrees (or 35 for you British people who like measuring how hot you are with a temperature system meant for measuring the temperature of fucking water). The heat didn’t stop us from having a great time. We went to some pretty dope beaches that looked like they would be frequented by James Bond. We hiked up a gorge, and even drove up a dirt mountain road in a fucking Ford Focus. I was basically Jason Statham driving that shitty focus up a mountain. The only bad thing that happened on our vacation was that on the last day we were so hot we had to take refuge at the American embassy in Palma, A.K.A the Hard Rock Cafe. It was the only place that we could bank on having air conditioning and it was glorious and I wouldn’t change anything.

Torrent de Pareis

Es Trenc

 

6.) Venice, Italy

Venice is unlike any other city on Earth. It is also probably exactly what you would expect from what you see in movies and on the line. It’s beautiful, it’s romantic, and if it is good enough for Indiana Jones, then It’s good enough for me. I’ve never wanted to get lost in a city more than I wanted to get turned around in the canals that the city is famous for. Just wandering around you will have an amazing time. Wandering around we also found a random restaurant and had the best pasta that I’ve ever tasted and it was at the first restaurant we stopped at. As Indy would say “Ah Venice”. The key for us for visiting Venice and most of the other places on this list is timing. We went to Venice in March before the busy season. I can’t imagine how trapped we would be everywhere we went if there were three times as many people there in the summer. You might not think its cool, but visit places during the offseason, it’s worth it.

Venice

Grand Canal

5.) Munich, Germany

The most important thing to note in trying to explain how great Munich is is that I went 36 hours only eating pretzels and drinking beer, a perfect day and a half by any calculation. Munich was the perfect lowkey but still big city vacation. It felt like you were in a small german town, but had enough going on to keep you busy for a few days. Not far from Munich is Neuschwanstein Castle, the basis of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle at Disneyland. In real life the castle was just a swanky party pad for an insanely coked out German King. It is the coolest castle that I have seen to date. We weren’t there for Oktoberfest, but I imagine that would make Munich even cooler. The only thing that sullies Munich for me is all the trouble I almost got in flying back to London from Munich. I got detained, they searched all my stuff, and even tried to cut open a puzzle I got for my mom. I try to separate that when I think about Munich but it’s hard sometimes to forgive British customs and immigration officers for the shit they’ve pulled with me over the years.

Neuschwanstein Castle

4.) London, England

This is where things get incredibly tough on the list. London is an amazing city that I love so much. It could be higher but the reason it isn’t is that I’ve been to London so many times. Almost like Oxford, London feels like home to me. I have almost run out of things to do in London which is crazy because there is so much to do. London is one of the most iconic cities in the world with something for everyone. It has Buckingham Palace, several of the world’s best (and free) museums, and it has some great pubs especially in Soho. I’ve been there dozens of times and still have something new to do almost every trip.

Buckingham Palace

So why is London only fourth on the list? It lacks a certain charm. At times London can be one of those cookie cutter big cities where everything is at least 30 percent touristy and not completely authentic. It is hard to know if your day out in London is super unique and interesting, or the exact same thing every tourist is doing. London has enough to keep you busy doing new things for years, but it will make you question if what you’re doing is interesting or everyone else’s postcard from their trip to England.

On top of St. Paul’s Cathedral

Tower Bridge

3.) Barcelona, Spain

Barcelona is a sneaky top five entry on the list. You probably wouldn’t expect it to compete with some of the most iconic cities in the world, but Barcelona can go toe-to-toe with any city in the world. Just wandering around Barcelona is probably cooler than casually wandering around most other cities in the world. It’s pretty cool that several of the coolest places in Barcelona were built by the same guy, Antoni Gaudi. He built the Sagrada Familia (which is still being built), Park Guell, and a bunch of super cool houses around town.

Sagrada Familia

The food in Barcelona was pound for pound the best food I’ve eaten across Europe so far. we had paella, tapas, a cone of ham and cheese, and a shit ton of other great stuff. If Barcelona was a basketball player, it would be someone like Scottie Pippen; a great overall player with no real holes in his game, but never the absolute best like Bird, Magic or Jordan.

Park Guell

2.) Berlin, Germany

If I could live in any city on this list, it would absolutely be Berlin. The German capital is a weird mix of just about anything you can think of. It’s historic, but very modern, high class and artsy, but also extremely blue collar, and a perfect blend of cultures but still sticks to its German heritage. Berlin is a bustling city, but also connected to nature. It is weird to think of Berlin in the modern day when it was the epicenter of so much horror throughout almost all of the 20th century. WWI, the rise of Hitler and the Nazis, WWII, and then the Cold War caused Berlin to be the center of evil in the world for almost 100 years. Who would ever think a city could possibly come back from all of that? Berlin did partly because it never lets you forget about its horrible past.

Brandenburg Gate

The most prominent reminder of that sordid past is the Berlin Wall. Sections of the wall remain throughout the city, almost haunting it in the background of a busy street or upscale neighborhood. The Berlin Wall is one of the most striking reminders that even though the past is in the past, it still affects us generations later.

Berlin Wall

Berlin isn’t just a city full of reminders of a world at war. It is a world class city for the arts. One of the most underrated things about Berlin is the city’s world class network of museums. They just built a shit ton of awesome museums in the middle of an island in the River Spree, and then put a bunch of cool stuff in them. Museum island is home to the Ishtar Gate of Babylon which is maybe the coolest thing that I’ve ever seen in a museum, the bust of Nefertiti, and a ton of other dope stuff. Berlin was so close to being number one on this list it still hurts that I had to knock it down to second place. I blame Hasselhoff.

Museum Island

1.) Paris, France

London is fourth on this list, one of the great cities in the history of the world. London is not and will never be Paris. Paris will always be London’s better looking, smarter, funnier, cooler, and more talented younger sibling. Everything London does Paris does it better. Museums, palaces, random tall stuff, churches, food, and definitely the people. The weirdest thing is, I had almost no desire to go to Paris when I moved to England. Jenny and I always talked about how much we couldn’t care less about Paris, and knew if we ever went we would think it was super overrated and sucked. WRONG!!!

View from Sacre Coeur

As Timothee Chalamet would say, Paris is hella tight. It is not overrated one bit. In reality everything we did in Paris is probably cooler than you would expect. Again the theme of some of these trips is go in the offseason. We went around Christmas and nothing we did was busy at all. We went to the Louvre, one of the most visited places in the world, and were alone with the Mona Lisa for a solid five minutes. We were alone with one of the most famous things in the world and it was cool as hell. We kept going back to the room later in the day and it would keep filling up more and more until all you could see was people holding their cameras up to get a picture from super far away. The only bummer while we were in Paris was that Notre Dame was closed because of the huge fire in April 2019. Other than that everything was as good or better than you would think it was.

Notre Dame

Paris is arguably the most famous city in the world for a reason. Even the random stupid stuff was cool. Just getting a pastry at a corner bakery was dope. the food and drink was so good while we were there I even drank a few espressos, which is wild because I’m the most anti coffee person you’ll ever meet. The cherry on the top was the people. You always hear that french people, and especially Parisians are the rudest people in the world. I have a feeling the British perpetuated that rumor to detract from their own shittyness because the French are fine. They made everything that much better.

Eiffel Tower

It might be lame or a cliche, but of what I’ve seen of Europe so far, Paris is head and shoulders above the rest of the competition.

Ranking all 95 Oscar Best Picture Winners

Dunking on Oxford Podcast Episode 1: Ranking all 92 Best Picture winners 

It took 18 months and spanned two continents but I have finally finished watching every Academy Award Best Picture winner in order. Originally, I watched 92 movies starting in 1927 leading all the way up to the 2019 Winner, Parasite. When I started this venture back in the summer of 2018, I initially planned to finish this in about six months. As we can see things didn’t quite happen as expected. Six months into this rewatch I finally got my VISA to permanently move to the UK, so I had to pick up and move across the Atlantic and things began to slow down from there. A year later I am finally finished and ready to give my insights on over nine decades of film history.

A couple of things about my best picture rewatch. I tried to watch as many movies in the same format as possible. Most of my viewings starting out were finding things on different streaming sites and watching them alone, late at night, and on my computer. I tried to make each viewing as similar as I could so I could evaluate each movie on the actual merits of the film and not be as influenced by a changing environment. That all changed when I moved to the UK. Now instead of watching movies at midnight alone with my headphones in, most of them came in the middle of the day in the living room on a bigger tv. This really didn’t change that much but altered the viewing experience slightly for everything after The Apartment.

Another thing I originally tried to do was rank the best movie and keep my personal feelings out of the ranking. I tried to act like a film critic and not just come to the conclusion that I really like certain movies over others. I found out pretty quickly that this was not going to work. First of all, I’m not a film critic. I like to think I know enough about movies to tell the good from the bad, but personal feelings aside, I’m not really going to be able to tell you why The French Connection is a great movie, but All About Eve is just mediocre. I don’t know much if anything about filmmaking, but I do have strong feelings. They crept into these rankings early on and I began to just embrace it. So instead of this being a straightforward ranking of the absolute best movies, it is a mix of best movies and my favorite movies. You’ll see things like Forrest Gump that are ranked a little higher than they probably should be, but I have strong personal feelings about several of these movies and I couldn’t keep them out of my rankings altogether.

So without taking up much more of the page here are my official rankings. Some movies I hated, some surprised the hell out of me, and an overwhelming amount were just alright. Here we go.

95. Gigi (1958)

This movie features a song that’s basically about grooming little girls. As much as I tried to consider the era each film was released and or set, This will always be creepy and terrible.

94. My Fair Lady (1964)

There is nothing good about this movie. Audrey Hepburn is unbearable, Rex Harrison is just an asshole, the music sucks and the message is terrible. File this under the category of hasn’t aged well.

93. Crash (2005)

More like Crash and burn am I right?

Crash is by far the worst modern Best Picture winner. It basically insinuates that being racist is ok as long as you save someone from a burning car, or don’t sell immigrants locked in a van as slaves. One of the biggest surprises and worst wins of all time. Not much that could possibly redeem Crash.

92. Cavalcade (1933)

A silver lining is that Cavalcade is the second-best Titanic movie on the list.

91. Tom Jones (1963)

Oh wait, not that Tom Jones? Never mind then.

90. Around the World in 80 Days (1956)

Probably not a good sign that I think the 2004 Steve Coogan/Jackie Chan version is a much better movie than this Best Picture winner.

89. Marty (1955)

Trying to be charming but you just spend an hour and a half with this dude who just wants to date a nice girl. Marty would have been better as a 20-minute episode of a middle-of-the-road ’50s sitcom.

88. The Broadway Melody (1929)

You can tell the filmmakers hadn’t quite perfected the new technology of talking pictures yet. The sound quality is pretty bad, out of sync and you get a lot of static in the mics. Also, the story was horrible and the one sister is just ok that her fiance left her for her sister? Just bad all around even accounting for the year it was released.

87. The Great Ziegfeld (1936)

It really was one of the Ziegfeld Follies.

86. The Greatest Show on Earth (1952)

Two and a half hours of bad circus propaganda.

85. Driving Miss Daisy (1989)

The fact that Dan Aykroyd was nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his performance in this might be the dumbest thing that has ever happened in the history of the Academy. This might be his worst acting performance that I’ve ever seen and he’s Dan Aykroyd.

84. Cimarron (1931)

The main character just kind of leaves everything behind every half hour and that made no sense so I will leave this movie behind.

83. All the King’s Men (1949)

Not to be confused with All the President’s Men, an actual good movie.

82. Going My Way (1944)

I think this was just an elaborate ruse to make a Bing Crosby song for a movie.

81. Oliver! (1968)

For whatever reason, it seems like a lot of bad musicals went on to win Best Picture while most of the good ones failed. Unfortunately Oliver! was one of the bad ones that won.

80. How Green Was My Valley (1941)

This beat Citizen Kane. Citizen Fucking Kane! Arguably the best movie ever made and this beat it. Must be a masterpiece…or it was pretty bad and the Academy still didn’t know what the hell was going in at this point.

79. Grand Hotel (1932)

I’m probably underrating Grand Hotel a little bit. It wasn’t too bad, but 1932 was still a little early for movies to really know what they were trying to do.

78. Out of Africa (1985)

Yay Colonialism!

77. The Lost Weekend (1945)

Says something about alcoholism, but I’m not sure it really says that much.

76. The English Patient (1996)

I’ll give it a little credit, The English Patient is trying so hard to be good, it just doesn’t get there. To me, it is the go-to melodramatic weepy drama with little substance and I just don’t really care about anything that happens in this movie.

75. The Artist (2011)

Won in a bad movie year. I get it was quirky and a modern silent film paying homage to the early days of cinema, but this seemed almost like a silent movie parody than an actual serious film itself. The dog was great though.

74. The Shape of Water (2017)

I remember really liking The Shape of Water when I first watched it a few years ago, but it really doesn’t hold up on the rewatch. I think if I heard Michael Shannon call the sexy swamp monster an asset one more time I was about to Michael Shannon my tv.

73. Annie Hall (1977)

Woody Allen and Diane Keaton at their most neurotic is just not something that speaks to me personally.

72. The Last Emperor (1987)

The ’80s were probably the worst decade for Best Picture winners and The Last Emperor was one of the worst in a very up and down movie decade.

71. A Man for all Seasons (1966)

Robert Shaw as Henry VIII and fat Orson Welles should make for an all-time banger but ends up being one of the more forgettable period pieces on this list.

70. Terms of Endearment (1983)

The only endearing thing I have to say about it is that Shirley MacLaine might be the MVP of this list by the end of this blog.

69. Ordinary People (1980)

Ordinary movie.

678 American Beauty (1999)

Just going to skip over it and erase Kevin Spacey from our collective memory.

67. Green Book (2018)

66. Coda (2021)

People just wanted to feel good after the pandemic.

65. You Can’t Take it With You (1938)

Out of all 92 movies on this list You Can’t Take it With You is probably the one I forget about the most.

64. Patton (1970)

Thought it would be epic, turned out to just be long.

63. Chicago (2002)

She doesn’t dip beneath lasers in Chicago, but she does carry the movie.

62. Nomadland (2020)

Should have been a documentary.

61. Birdman (2014)

Actors acting about acting. That is fine but does get pretty annoying as the movie goes on.

60. Mrs. Miniver (1942)

An early World War II movie that focuses on a flower competition, only the British.

59. An American in Paris (1951)

I am the most disappointed in An American In Paris. I was really hoping to love it and thought it would possibly crack the top twenty when all was said and done. Instead, it was a pretty mediocre movie musical with pretty below-average songs, other than “I Got Rhythm”, sorry Gershwin. The final number went on for what seemed to be days and really made this free fall down the list.

58. Mutiny on the Bounty (1935)

Solid entry from the early days. It fell into some of the same traps any other movie from the ’30s found itself in, but all in all a good adaptation.

57. Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

Marriage Story just 40 years earlier.

56. Chariots of Fire (1981)

Kickass iconic running song from a motherfucker called Vangelis. Other than that Chariots of Fire is about as bland as the British themselves.

55. Dances With Wolves (1990)

Probably second only to Jesus, Kevin Costner is our white savior and he saves the best for the Lakota people in Dances With Wolves. One of many on this list that is a beautiful, well-made film, with a lot of problems.

54. Midnight Cowboy (1969)

I will always regret not putting Midnight Cowboy in its rightful spot at number 69 on the list.

53. The King’s Speech (2010)

I’ve already given my feelings on the British.

52. A Beautiful Mind (2001)

A classic of the high school classroom in the mid-2000s. I probably watched it more than any other movie for school. The ultimate version of several pretty good actors doing pretty good work.

51. All About Eve (1950)

All About Eve is regarded as one of the greatest movies of all time, but for me was just alright. The acting is superb with a great story and solid characters, but it all comes together in a way that just makes it pretty good and that’s fine.

50. Argo (2012)

To quote The Ringer’s Sean Fennessey, “Affleck is a lord”. Give him all the awards.

P.S.

49. Wings (1927)

For the first Best Picture winner Wings wasn’t half bad. It was the only actual silent movie to win, not counting The Artist, and looks like it was ahead of its time.

48. Shakespeare in Love (1998)

If things were different I would likely have Saving Private Ryan in the top ten on this list, but we are here near the middle of the pack with one of the ultimate good, not great winners of all time. Affleck doing Shakespeare is what dreams are made of. If you haven’t noticed this is a very pro-Ben Affleck space.

47. The Hurt Locker (2009)

I liked it but wish it would have been a little bit deeper. It just seemed to skim the surface of the issues the soldiers were facing physically and mentally. A good movie that was close to being really great.

46. The Life of Emile Zola (1937)

See number 45.

45. Gentleman’s Agreement (1947)

Gentleman’s Agreement and The Life of Emile Zola should probably be lower on the list but they are extremely woke for their era so I bumped them up higher.

44. Unforgiven (1992)

Clint Eastwood in a western, what more could you want?

43. In the Heat of the Night (1967)

Sidney Poitier at the peak of his powers gives a powerfully intense performance. Most of what I remember about this movie is how awful the south is, which seems to be a theme throughout quite a bit of this list.

42. West Side Story (1961)

If they cut out Tony and Maria from the film this would be in the top 15 but the leads are easily the worst parts of the entire thing. Make it about Bernardo and Anita and you have one of the most interesting movies of all time. Too bad the focus is on the two people who have absolutely nothing interesting to say or do.

41. Rain Man (1988)

Your classic pop Oscars fare akin to Forrest Gump. Rain Man is a classic with Tom Cruise at his most sleazy and a great performance from Dustin Hoffman. Some could argue it should be towards the bottom, some may complain it’s not higher, but I think 40 is a good spot for a pretty solid all-around film.

40. No Country for Old Men (2007)

Another relatively disappointing entry. Not to say that it wasn’t good but I was probably most excited for No Country For Old Men as it was one of the only best picture winners in the 2000’s that I had never seen before. What I had heard about the Coen brothers’ movie had me saving a spot in the top ten for it. I was left wanting a little more from the movie and while it was good, it was still somewhat underwhelming.

39. Spotlight (2015)

It seemed like a surprise and a mistake when it won, but the years have been pretty good to Spotlight. It’s a good journalism drama that maybe doesn’t quite get to the level of All the President’s Men.

38. Hamlet (1948)

Olivier doing Shakespeare, it’s going to be pretty good (But never as good as Minkus).

37. From Here to Eternity (1953)

Very, very dramatic but in a good way this time. It has everything you want in a ’50s drama from a brooding leading man, affairs, and Frank Sinatra being a wiseass. Probably one of the more forgotten about Best Picture winners from the golden age, but a worthwhile endeavor.

36. Gladiator (2000)

Confused? Me too. I don’t even really love Gladiator that much, but still couldn’t put it any lower on my list. We live in a random and chaotic universe.

35. The Sound of Music (1965)

Who doesn’t love singing Austrian kids thwarting Nazis? The music is timeless and still gets stuck in your head even 55 years later.

34. Rebecca (1940)

One of the best twists in a movie I have ever seen. Of course, only the master of suspense Alfred Hitchcock could pull this off in 1940.

33. Amadeus (1984)

Always a Salieri, never a Mozart. Amadeus embodies whatever the ’80s were the best of any Best Picture winner during the decade.

32. The Best Years of our Lives (1946)

The ultimate World War II version of “what happens when soldiers come home from war”. It features a groundbreaking performance by Harold Russell, an actual veteran who won an Oscar for his performance.

31. Million Dollar Baby (2004)

I totally thought this would be trash but it turned out to actually be good. The characters are expertly crafted and it is one of the most gut-wrenching entries on the list.

30. Rocky (1976)

A tad too melodramatic but everyone loves an underdog which is why Rocky is undeniable. From the birth of the training montage to its many subsequent sequels, Rocky morphed from a movie we didn’t know could go the distance, to one of the biggest franchises of all time.

29. Gandhi (1982) 

Pretty much your classic biopic. It has a great performance from Sir Ben Kingsley as Gandhi and is basically the ’80s version of Lincoln, a long and pretty good movie that you will likely never watch again.

28. Braveheart (1995)

(Me to Braveheart critics)

Braveheart is good, just let me have this. As of writing this, I am a 28-year-old white man, it’s a sin for me to not like Braveheart so just let it happen. Obviously, there are huge flaws with the movie and it’s not the actual 27th best movie on this list, but we can look the other way can’t we?

27. Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

Although it didn’t captivate me as much as most other people who were obsessed with this movie for the last 11 months, EEAAO is a solid if not elite winner that will probably age pretty well.

26. Forrest Gump (1994)

Similar to Braveheart, I love Forrest Gump. I grew up with it, it is essentially my childhood in a movie. Again a flawed movie but I could not forget about my feelings for it, feelings that I will never separate from this film.

25. Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

Dev Patel + Who Wants to be a Millionaire is the best, most random idea for a movie and I wish I had thought of it.

24. The French Connection (1971)

Don’t fuck with Gene Hackman. The French Connection kicked off and inspired the gritty cop dramas that took over the rest of the ’70s.

23. Moonlight (2016)

As much as it still pains me that Moonlight actually beat La La Land for Best Picture, you can’t deny that Moonlight is a great movie. Hopefully, it begins a much-needed change in Hollywood and the Academy Awards.

22. Ben-Hur (1959)

The chariot race is one of the greatest scenes in movie history and Ben-Hur will always be a classic of epic proportions.

21. Titanic (1997)

Titanic is a great movie even with its flaws. The story may not make a ton of sense, and some of the characters need work, but you can’t deny the technical and overall movie-making achievements of Titanic. It overcomes its flaws to become a classic film experience. It also gave us peak Billy Zane which is most important.

20. The Departed (2006)

The Departed is one where I had to let my personal feelings get in the way. As a movie, it should probably rank somewhere in the middle, but it kicks ass and I love it so I put it in the top 20.

19. All Quiet on the Western Front (1930)

Fantastic early war movie that follows young German soldiers during World War I. You could have told me that it was made 30 years later and I would believe you. Still some early-era sound and picture issues, but it rises above its technical limitations.

18. 12 Years a Slave (2013)

12 Years A Slave is one of the best movies of the last decade. It pushes right up next to being an absolute all-time great movie and probably should have won twice as many Oscars as it did.

17. It Happened One Night (1934)

The first best picture winner that actually felt like a finished, modern movie. It was well ahead of its time and the chemistry between Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert was amazing.

16. The Apartment (1960)

Probably the most pleasant surprise during my Oscars watch. I assumed it would be some often forgotten about middle-of-the-road ’60s comedy/drama. Instead, it was one of the most captivating movies on the list. Basically Jack Lemmon in Mad Men.

15. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

An absolute masterpiece. Jack Nicholson at the height of his powers and surrounded by all-stars like Danny DeVito and a young Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd). Almost everything about this adaptation of the novel is flawless.

14. The Sting (1973)

You can’t deny Paul Newman and Robert Redford anytime they share the screen together. These two titans have arguably the best chemistry of any screen duo and it seems like they have the most fun too. The Sting and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid are two of the most fun watches of all time.

13. Platoon (1986)

A great war movie that delves deep into the horrors of war and what it can do to people. A psychological look at war on par with Apocalypse Now and Full Metal Jacket, Platoon reminds you time and time again that war really is hell. Platoon also really stands out in a decade of uneven winners, making it the best winner of the ’80s by a large margin.

12. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

I guess we have hit the run of great war movies that have won the Academy’s top prize. The Bridge on the River Kwai is another film commenting on the psychology of war and showing what can happen to even the best-intentioned soldiers when they are tortured. Maybe with this movie as high on the list as it is, I’ve finally come around on the British.

That’s it, blow it all up.

11. The Deer Hunter (1978)

Probably the best-acted movie on the list outside of The Godfather franchise. Robert De Niro, Christopher Walken, John Cazale, Meryl Streep, and John Savage all knock their performances out of the park. The Deer Hunter is the quintessential “what happens when you come home from war” movie ever made, taking what The Best Years of Our Lives did with WWII and placing the struggle in the midst of the Vietnam War. I am still haunted by this movie every time “Can’t Take My Eyes off You” comes on.

10. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

The definition of the word epic if not quite the most rewatchable movie ever made. Shot for shot Lawrence of Arabia is a contender for the most beautiful movie on this list. Everything about it works except when you get to Alec Guinness playing Prince Faisal. It really is sad that older great movies have these types of controversies, staining them for the newer generations.

9. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

The Lord of the Rings trilogy is probably the pound-for-pound best trilogy ever made. It perfectly encapsulates the greatest fantasy books ever written. While I’m probably doing what the academy did in 2004 and crowning the entire series instead of just Return of the King, so be it, Lord of the Rings is just too great and important to me to leave outside of my top ten.

8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

The Silence of the Lambs is the tightest best picture winner ever. At just under two hours the movie doesn’t waste a second of your time. The last movie to go five for five and win for Best Picture, director, actor, actress, and screenplay at the Academy Awards.

7. Parasite (2019)

This could be recency bias at play but Parasite is the newest winner and already among the all-time greatest. Parasite’s surprise win over 1917 was also one of the most exciting and well-deserved upsets in Academy history. A modern masterpiece that could shoot even higher up the list in the future.

(I promise I will wrap this up soon. Dear god it’s finally almost over.)

6. Gone With the Wind (1939)

Yes, it is long, dramatic, maybe a touch racist, and all of the other criticisms that you’ve probably heard about Gone With The Wind over the last 80 years, but it is still an all-time great movie.

5. On the Waterfront (1954)

On the Waterfront is everything you want in a classic Hollywood movie. A great director (Elia Kazan) at the peak of their powers directing a young iconic actor in a tour de force performance (Marlon Brando). 65 years later On the Waterfront remains a pillar of filmmaking.

4. Schindler’s List (1993)

The only movie on the list that made me cry, Schindler’s List is a raw look at the horrors of the Holocaust. Beautifully and respectfully done by Steven Spielberg, the ending of Schindler’s List gets me every time.

3. The Godfather: Part II (1974)

The Godfather: Part II is arguably the best movie ever made, so why is it only third on the list? Because the top two are both also regarded as the greatest movies of all time. While Part II may be the better achievement in filmmaking, I do slightly rate it behind the original for a few reasons. I prefer Vito and Sonny Corleone as characters to new additions Frank Pentangeli and Hyman Roth and even young Vito. It is a masterpiece that takes the Corleone saga to new depths.

2. Casablanca (1943)

Casablanca is the classic movie to beat all classic movies. One of the most quotable movies ever it is unforgettable scene after unforgettable scene. Humphrey Bogart is that guy in one of the most iconic movies ever. Everything that came after has in some way been inspired by Casablanca.

1. The Godfather (1972)

In my opinion, the greatest movie ever made and I don’t think it is particularly close. The Godfather is the perfect blend of flawless direction, storytelling, acting, writing, tension, and excitement. Possibly the best ensemble cast ever assembled, The Godfather unleashes the talents of some of the greats including Marlon Brando, Al Pacino, Robert Duvall, James Caan, John Cazale, and Diane Keaton among about a dozen other greats. It perfectly chronicles Michael Corleone’s meteoric rise from mild-mannered war hero to ruthless mafia don. Almost 50 years later no other movie has eclipsed The Godfather as the greatest movie of all time.

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So there you have it. A list that I made up only to entertain myself. I hope you’ve enjoyed the thing slowly making me go insane for the last year and a half. There will be a podcast adjoining this blog coming next week.

Adventures in Oxford: Attending the Polo Club Ball

Growing up in a middle class home in Coon Rapids, Minnesota, the thought of going to super fancy balls never really crossed my mind. I think the fanciest event I ever went to was a pretty normal wedding. When Jenny texted me asking It i wanted to go to the Oxford Polo Club Ball I thought there was no way in hell we would be allowed in there.

The Oxford Polo Club Ball is one of the most prestigious balls on the University of Oxford calendar. Jenny got an invited from a friend who is in the polo club before I arrived in England. Her brief explanation over the phone was: White tie, at the Tower of London, and a river cruise on the Thames. I thought she was crazy. First I figured there was no way we’d be able to afford it, and second I thought it must be a mistake that we could even get an invite, and someone would eventually tell us that we couldn’t go. After talking about it for a few minute we decided that it wasn’t too expensive, and might be a once in a lifetime event for us that we couldn’t pass up. I mean private tour of the Crown Jewels, dinner and reception inside the Tower of London, and a fancy boat ride on the Thames through Central London, when would we ever be in a position to do something like that again.

Our friend got us tickets and I made my way over to England. Over the next month and a half we were so busy exploring England that I somewhat forgot we were even going to the ball. About a week before the ball I decided it was time to start getting ready. First thing was to decide what to wear. As it was a white tie event, there wasn’t much of an option. As a guy who hasn’t even worn a tux since I was probably 4 years old, I was a little intimidated by the formal evening attire. I had no idea what I needed to get for the ensemble, or how to correctly wear each piece. Luckily for me, Oxford is very versed in formalwear so it was not hard to find a shop to rent everything I needed from. The only other thing I needed to get was cufflinks.

When the day of the ball came, we decided to get dressed and take some pictures by some of Oxford’s most famous buildings with some friends we were going with. There is no more surreal feeling than walking around in the most formal attire imaginable in front of a bunch of tourists. Every time we stopped to take pictures we had several people ask what we were doing, or if we were going to a wedding. It didn’t help either that when I answered them, it was obvious that I was American (and everyone in our little group was American or Canadian), and it just confused them even more.

After the photo shoot we got on the bus with all the other well dressed people and made out way to the Tower of London. The only problem getting there was that the tower is in Central London. Even though Oxford is roughly 50 miles from London, it took over two hours to get there because London was so busy on a Friday night.

Once we finally got to the tower, we got in smoothly, and the Yeoman Warders gave us a brief history of the tower. There’s a lot of pretty gruesome history that happened in the Tower of London. After the history, we got to take a private tour of the Crown Jewels. The jewels were pretty fantastic, but we were anxious to get to the part of the night we actually came there for, the drinking. We had a very nice champagne reception in one of the museum galleries on the grounds. We got to drink while looking at all kinds of artifacts, it was pretty cool. After the reception we moved to another part of the tower for a four course dinner. Dinner was great, pork and potatoes, with chocolate fore dessert.

After downing a few bottles of wine between us, we made our way to the last stop for the evening, a boat cruise on the Thames. The boat, thankfully with a fully stocked bar, carried us from the tower west, through most of downtown and central London. Along the way we passed Big Ben and Parliament, along with several other important buildings. But the boat served first and foremost for a vessel for our dance party. It was the one time in the night where everyone could drop the formalities of the ball and let loose a little bit (and also make jokes about being Billy Zane in Titanic).

All in all it was a great experience, and probably something we would only experience once in a lifetime. I’m so glad we got the invitation and didn’t shy away because we felt we didn’t exactly belong in that world.

10 most interesting differences between Americans and the British

I’ve been in England for just over a month now and one of the first things I’ve noticed are the subtle differences between the average American person and what I’ve seen of the British since I’ve been here. I feel like I’ve got some extra insight because I’m not your average tourist, I actually live here. I go to the gym, I go to the grocery store, I see the side of the city and people that isn’t always available to a tourist in town for a week. This list isn’t about the obvious differences that everyone American knows about upon arrival in England like they have different words for things, or use the metric system. This list highlights the subtle differences in everyday life that I’ve noted in my time here. Also I live in Oxford so this might be ore tailored to how life is here and could be super different than other areas of England. So without further ado, here is my top ten list of differences between Americans and the British.

10) British people can’t re rack weights

I know Americans aren’t the best at this either, but every gym I’ve been to in America people at least get the weights close to where they’re supposed to go. It’s total anarchy at Pure Gym in Oxford. the free weights range for about 5 kilograms to about 40, which, roughly, is 10 pounds to 90 pounds. Their is no order here. You can find any weight in any slot along the spectrum here and it’s just fine. I’ve hunted for similar weights before and have come up empty because they are either lost, being used, or most likely in the heavy section (which I definitely don’t use).

9) bars/pubs

Pubs ares tiny. Normally in America you have your local sports bars with a huge bar, plenty of TVs and 50 tables/booths for seating, not so fast in England. Most local pubs here have maybe seating for about 20 people. The kicker too is you have to order your food and drinks at the bar here instead of having a waiter or waitress come to every table and take your order. Good luck getting a party of 8 or more a table at anything that’s not a chain. But at least in England you get to leave when you’re done eating and not whenever you waiter/waitress processes your bill.

8) Customer Service/ servers

Speaking of servers, they aren’t working for tips so don’t expect any special treatment just because you came into their restaurant. Overall England certainly lacks for customer service in many businesses.

7) x’s after texts

Everybody sends somewhere between one and one billion random x’s after every text they send. just don’t get it. How did it start? Why x’s and not p’s? Do they not have emojis? It’s just one of those weird things that maybe will never be explained.

6) Mexican food

The next one has a much more straightforward answer behind it. There is NO GOOD MEXICAN FOOD IN OXFORD! There are some Chipotles in London, but they are a watered down version, and that’s about it for the entire country. Now that I’ve got my frustrations out, it’s pretty obvious why that’s the case. England doesn’t share a border with Mexico like the United States, and is 5,000 miles away, why the hell would there be a good burrito place here. While it’s sad, they do make up for it in having just about everything else you could want from all over the world.

5) Cards against humanity

This one should be obvious too, but you wouldn’t really thing about it until you play it with people from all over the United Kingdom. Instead making fun of Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin and Five Dollar Foot-Longs, the English are making fun of Ed Balls, the Welsh, and Pudsey Bear, whatever that is. It’s still the same fun game, sometimes you just might have to ask who or what someone is referring to.

4) Grocery stores

The basic premise of grocery stores is the same; you go in, buy food and walk out. The main difference is in America most grover stores have about 10-15 checkout lanes where you put you items on a conveyor belt as an employee checks you out, while there are maybe four self checkout lanes. In England it’s the opposite, most have several self checkout lanes with one or two traditional checkout lanes. This is very helpful if you only have a few items as the lines for the self checkout lanes move very quickly. Also something I find funny is the American section of the store.

3) Tourists

There are tourists everywhere I’ve been so far. Oxford, tourists, Bath, tourists, London, surprisingly not swarming with tourists, but we were there in the middle of the week. The United States obviously have plenty of tourism, but a lot of that is kept to the major cities. Here it seems like everything is a tourist attraction. I can’t even begin to count how many random people’s pictures that they snapped on the street I’m probably in. I get it, things here are old and cool and theres a lot of history. But it’s not even the places that are know tourists attractions that are swarming. I’ve seen people take countless pictures of a tree on a non-historic side street in front of a forgettable building like it’s the Mona Lisa. People are just stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture of H&M like it’s the University. Speaking of the University, tourists go crazy for students at Oxford. My girlfriend is a student and for Matriculation, there were hundreds of people just taking pictures of her and her friends in their uniforms like they were at a zoo. I get it, there’s a lot to see and do, but people get excited over the weirdest things here.

2) Jaywalking

Jaywalking happens in the United States all the time, but it is frowned upon and you at least have to give the police the decency to look and see if a squad car is near before you go. It’s fair game in England. If there are no cars coming, or one’s far away, feel free to cross that highway like a modern day Moses. Many times people don’t even look for traffic and step out near busses and cars assuming they’ll stop. I’ve seen people flood the middle of a street in front of a cop even, no big deal. Just a way of life and the longer I live here, the more entitled to crossing the street whenever I please I become.

1) Turning on/off outlets/appliances

And the number one subtle difference between America and the UK is… that in many places in the UK you have to turn on your outlets and appliances in order to have power and use them. In the United States, generally speaking, outlets have power going to them 24/7, just plug in and you’re good to go. In every apartment/hotel I’ve been in so far in the UK, you have to flip a switch to turn on outlets and appliances like the oven, washing machine, and even the shower. I don’t know how many times i’ve gotten in the shower only to find no water coming out, or thought I was cooking only to remember I didn’t flip the switch on the wall to turn on the stove. It truly is maddening until I reach the time when it becomes second nature. Also there are no outlets in the bathroom because Brits can’t be trusted to dry their hair too close to the shower apparently.

Honorable mentions: everyone is late, can’t bring drinks to seats in football stadium

Hopefully the longer I stay here the more interesting little differences I will come across.  If you have any other ideas or fun differences you’ve come across, let me know.