NBA Power Rankings According to Keanu Reeves

Strange things are afoot in the NBA. With just a month to go before the play-in games begin, there are still 7-10 most excellent teams with a chance to win the NBA championship, the rest are just dust in the wind dudes. Ii wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be my style. Pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory last forever. Here’s how the immortal Keanu Reeves sees the NBA with a month to go.

1.) Los Angeles Clippers

2.) Phoenix Suns

3.) Utah Jazz

4.) Philadelphia 76ers

5.) Brooklyn Nets

6.) Los Angeles Lakers

7.) Milwaukee Bucks

8.) New York Knicks

9.) Denver Nuggets

10.) Atlanta Hawks

11.) Portland Trail Blazers

12.) Dallas Mavericks

13.) Boston Celtics

14.) Memphis Grizzlies

15.) Miami Heat

16.) Golden State Warriors

17.) San Antonio Spurs

18.) Indiana Pacers

19.) Charlotte Hornets

20.) Toronto Raptors

21.) Washington Wizards

22.) New Orleans Pelicans

23.) Chicago Bulls

24.) Detroit Pistons

25.) Cleveland Cavaliers

26.) Sacramento Kings

27.) Minnesota Timberwolves

28.) Orlando Magic

29.) Houston Rockets

30.) Oklahoma City Thunder

Be excellent to each other and vaya con Dios.

Every NBA Team’s Best Buddy Cop Partnerships

Buddy cop movies are a staple of Hollywood for the last 40 years. Ever since Eddie Murphy teamed up with Nick Nolte in 48 Hours in 1982 there have been hundreds of takes on the buddy cop dynamic. Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Bad Boys, and even Zootopia (yes Disney got in on the buddy cop game) are some of the most beloved and commercially successful movies of all-time. The key to a great buddy cop duo is that they have to be wildly different personalities. The old curmudgeon paired with the young, slightly insane wildcard (Danny Glover and Mel Gibson), or the action hero alongside the average donut eating family-man (Bruce Willis and Reginald VelJohnson), or the playboy and the wisecracking sidekick (Will Smith and Martin Lawrence). Much like an NBA team, a buddy cop film is only as good as it’s leads. This exercise isn’t just about identifying the two best players on each team and trying to pigeon hole them into a role, but finding the best pair of teammates that would drive an exciting, thoughtful, and most importantly funny cop movie with as wild a plot as possible. Also there’s no copaganda going on here or in the NBA so this list will feature a whole lot of bad cops or at least cops who are bad at their jobs (Mo Bamba).

Atlanta Hawks: John Collins and Trae Young

These two allegedly don’t get along very well, which is a perfect buddy cop movie trope. Trae wants to control the squad but John thinks it is harmful to his image as a “hero cop”. The two figure out their differences and we all find out that it was actually their captain who was the problem the whole time.

Movie title: Young Guns

Boston Celtics: Tacko Fall and Robert Williams

This is my favorite buddy cop movie pairing the NBA has to offer and is the reason why I even wrote this damn thing. This would basically be the movie The Other Guys with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg except Ferrell is 7’5″ and Wahlberg’s nickname is the Time Lord. Tacko and the Time Lord run around Boston solving crimes across time hanging out with the like of Paul Revere, Samuel Adams, and Ted Williams while trying to prove that they are indeed good timecops.

Movie title: Tacko and the Time Lord

Brooklyn Nets: James Harden and Blake Griffin

An indie movie adapted from a play that takes place entirely inside a strip club. Two undercover cops stake out the strip club to find out who kidnapped Kyrie Irving for his birthday? Harden goes full Serpico and is downing day-old strip club hot dogs left and right while Blake Griffin reveals the whole thing was a prank on some online pranksters (I don’t care if that’s already a show he’s hosting).

Movie title: Snake and Blake

Charlotte Hornets: LaMelo Ball and Gordon Hayward

LaMelo is the young hotshot while Hayward the grizzled vet who don’t get along at first, but then bond after they both go through traumatic ankle injuries.

Movie title: Ankle Breakers

Chicago Bulls: Zach LaVine and Coby White

We all know the Bulls are back, but how did they get back? A story of redemption as we follow two young misfits and their incredible journey to finally breakout and be the most mediocre cops they can be.

Movie title: BAB: Bulls Are Back

Cleveland Cavaliers: Collin Sexton and Darius Garland

A simple tale of two hotshot ’70s disco/sex cops who sex it up in…Cleveland, Ohio. At least they have a bangin’ theme song.

Movie title: Sexland

Dallas Mavericks: Luka Doncic and Boban Marjanovic

A gritty European noir film sees Luka and Boban infiltrate a Eastern European drug cartel and find out there is indeed trouble in the Balkans! Little does Luka know his beloved partner Bobi is actually his assassin character from John Wick 3 and is working for our Balkan kingpin. Oh baby but then the real twist is Luka is John Wicks long lost son, Luka DonWick, and he goes full Keanu on everyone’s asses.

Movie title: Luka DonWick

Denver Nuggets: Bol Bol and Facundo Campazzo

Bol Bol is 7’2″ and Facundo is 5’10”. This movie writes itself. It’s Twins but they’re cops.

Movie title: Twin Cops

Detroit Pistons: Killian Hayes and Sekou Doumbouya

What if the French Connection took place in Detroit? The two young frenchmen have not played well at all for the Pistons, but hey was Popeye Doyle actually a good cop?

Movie title: The French Connection 2: Motor City Madness

Golden State Warriors: Draymond Green and James Wiseman

Just two hours of Draymond yelling at Wiseman until Wiseman breaks bad and leaves Draymond for dead with a gang of players the Warriors beat for their three championships led by LeBron James in a reverse Training Day situation.

Movie title: The Wise Man

Houston Rockets: Kenyon Martin Jr. and Kevin Porter Jr.

Both of their dads were (somewhat) controversial cops and now they’re on the force to restore the family name. The problem is, they’re assholes too (kind of).

Movie title: Jr. Force

Indiana Pacers: Domantas Sabonis and Myles Turner

They’re the poster boys for being an good not great cop. They don’t kill any unarmed people which is nice but they also don’t prevent or solve any actual crimes.

Movie title: The Poster Boys

Los Angeles Clippers: Lou Williams and Patrick Beverly

How many of these can take place in a strip club? This one has it all: Strippers, suspensions, playoff collapses, and a whole lot of chicken wings.

Movie title: Magic City

Los Angeles Lakers: LeBron James and Kyle Kuzma

A legendary cop who is seen as a hero across the country teams up with some douche with bleached blonde hair and somehow dates instagram models even though he kind of sucks. LeBron eventually tires of Kuzma’s antics and being terrible and decides to team up with cartoon characters instead, tough beat for Kuz.

Movie title: Space Jam 3

Memphis Grizzlies: Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson Jr.

Two guys with a lot of J’s in their name (and on the court).

Movie title: J Squad

Miami Heat: Jimmy Butler and Tyler Herro

Very similar to the Lakers pairing of LeBron and Kuzma. In this movie Butler is the veteran cop, perhaps a war hero that works hard but rubs people the wrong way. He’s paired with Herro the young instagram influencer who has a rap song named after him. They team up Miami Vice style to take down Pat Riley’s and his criminal organization only to find out that Riley is just a pawn and it goes all the way to the top of the NBA…Adam Silver!

Movie title: Working Hard and Being the Man

Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis and Thanasis Antetokounmpo

Bad boys but it’s in Greece and the boys are actually pretty nice and they help a lot of people and are generally happy about their lives. Another bangin’ theme song.

Movie title: Nice Greek Boys

Minnesota Timberwolves: Anthony Edwards and Ricky Rubio

It’s like Point Break but if Keanu and Swayze stayed friends the whole time. Edwards is the hotshot athletic FBI agent while Rubio the care-free hippie surfer who may or may not still rob banks, but this time Edwards is just kind of ok with it and they go sky diving together to strengthen their friendship instead of trying to throw Edwards out of a plane without a parachute. Glen Taylor is Gary Busey, not in this movie, just in real life.

Movie title: Point Break 2: Friends Forever

New Orleans Pelicans: Zion Williamson and Lonzo Ball

Two of the best young cops in the city have to take down Lonzo’s dad when they find out he built and empire on making counterfeit shoes.

Movie title: Big Baller Boys

New York Knicks: Julius Randle and Derrick Rose

In the vein of Die Hard with a Vengeance, Randle and Rose team up and run around NYC to stop evil James Dolan from destroying the Knicks.

Movie title: Die Hard and Ban Dolan

Oklahoma City Thunder: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Lu Dort

As two of the best Canadian NBA players, Shai and Dort are called back to the motherland when all of the Mounties vanish leaving Niagara Falls unprotected. Shai and Dort save Canada from tourists in a climax that sees Dort defending Canada by flailing his hands in everyone’s face to distract them while Shai sends them over the falls in a giant barrel.

Movie title: Canadian Thunder

Orlando Magic: Markelle Fultz and Mo Bamba

Two once heralded cops are down on their luck after flunking out of the police academy. Can they regain their respect and restore order in a backwards southern town?

Movie title: Bamba Number 5

Philadelphia 76ers: Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons

The whole premise revolves around a young up and coming cop who refuses to shoot, ever (Ben Simmons, Obviously). His partner (Embiid) is kind of an asshole and always getting them into trouble, but Simmons has his own way of dealing with bad guys. Instead of shooting them he gets really into Kung-Fu and kicks the shit out of the rest of the league.

Movie title: The Process Kicks Ass

Phoenix Suns: Chris Paul and Devin Booker

One cop is on his last chance to really make a difference why the other is on his way to superstardom. Can they figure out their chemistry issues before the evil Lakers take over and destroy them before they can figure out how to bring peace to Phoenix for the first time in more than a decade?

Movie title: Phoenix Rising

Portland Trail Blazers: Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum

The exact opposite of the 76ers, Dame and CJ just spend two hours shooting everyone and everything in their line of sight. It’s really problematic, probably funded by Ted Cruz.

Movie title: The Second Amendment

Sacramento Kings: Hassan Whiteside and Marvin Bagley III

Two of the most overrated cops on the force just won’t stop complaining about their jobs so much that their dads have to step in and complain about their jobs some more. Probably not going to make a lot of money.

Movie title: Daddy’s Boys

San Antonio Spurs: DeMar DeRozan and Patty Mills

Not much to say about it, pretty boring but gets the job done. Basically the Other Guys but instead of Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg it’s like Josh Duhamel and Beck Bennett.

Movie title: The Normal Guys

Toronto Raptors: Fred VanVleet and OG Anunoby

A new age Homes and Watson terrorize Toronto in search of Serge Ibaka’s scarves that he left behind. No Dunks’ podcasters J.E. Skeets and Tas Melas help out along the way until they find their arch nemesis: No Dunks producer Jason (J.D.) Doyle, who is discovered to be a descendant of Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes. J.D. sends Fred and OG a cease and desist letter to stop using the Sherlock Holmes trademark and drags them into an endless court case that for whatever reason the two Raptors don’t give up immediately. They eventually agree to call themselves Tango and Cash so J.D. leaves them alone and all is right with the world.

Movie title: Tango and Cash

Utah Jazz: Rudy Gobert and Joe Ingles

Basically Lethal Weapon if Murtaugh was more of a dick and French (same thing) and Riggs was actually a helpful cop who makes the squad better. They have to discover what or who actually started the COVID pandemic and was it an inside job?

Movie title: Lethal Weapon 5?: Global Outbreak

Washington Wizards: Russell Westbrook and Robin Lopez

Somebody is beating the shit out of mascots all across the city. Two cops have 72 hours to find the criminal before he assaults again. But what happens when Russell Westbrook finds out that his partner is the key suspect in this horrifying case?

Movie title: The Silence of the Mascots

NBA Power Rankings According to Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington would come into the NBA and immediate become the greatest coach of all-time. He took the raggedy Titans and turned them into the greatest defensive team in the history of high school football and cured racism along the way. In He Got Game Denzel became the greatest force in NCAA recruiting history by getting out of prison and getting his son Jesus Shuttlesworth (AKA Ray Allen) to go to Big State. That’s like of I told LeBron James to go to Minnesota just for shits and he fucking did and won a national championship. Even Alonzo Harris inspired sad boy Jake Hoyt to become a great cop. Dude didn’t have the drive until Detective Harris left him for dead and tried to set him up for some crimes, a real motivator. Hell, he could take the Timberwolves and turn them into a contender, just gotta get out the PCP.

1.) Brooklyn Nets

2.) Utah Jazz

3.) Philadelphia 76ers

4.) Milwaukee Bucks

5.) Phoenix Suns

6.) Los Angeles Lakers

7.) Los Angeles Clippers

8.) Denver Nuggets

9.) Portland Trail Blazers

10.) Dallas Mavericks

11.) Miami Heat

12.) San Antonio Spurs

13.) Golden State Warriors

14.) Boston Celtics

15.) Atlanta Hawks

16.) New York Knicks

17.) Memphis Grizzlies

18.) Indiana Pacers

19.) Charlotte Hornets

20.) New Orleans Pelicans

21.) Chicago Bulls

22.) Toronto Raptors

23.) Oklahoma City Thunder

24.) Cleveland Cavaliers

25.) Washington Wizards

26.) Sacramento Kings

27.) Orlando Magic

28.) Minnesota Timberwolves

29.) Detroit Pistons

30.) Houston Rockets

Now we just gotta get Will Patton to sign on as the Timberwolves’ defensive specialist. We are the Timberwolves, the mighty mighty Timberwolves. Quick comp of the Wolves and Titans rosters. KAT is Gerry Bertier, Anthony Edwards is Julius, Rubio is sunshine (obviously), DLo is Petey, Beasley is Gosling, Naz is Blue, and Glen Taylor is Ray (the racist one), lastly I’m Hayden Panettiere but with way more swearing.

Post All-Star Break Rookie Juice Rankings

The 2020 rookie class was heralded as one of the weakest in the last 20 years. There were no clear cut future stars, and every prospect had at least one fatal flaw that would keep them from becoming and NBA superstar. Halfway through the season and it looks like most draft experts were super wrong about this class and deserve to be called out for their slander against bonafide future stars like LaMelo Ball, Anthony Edwards, and Tyrese Haliburton. 30-some odd games into this wonky season and the rookies have somehow outshined even the rosiest of projections, overcoming zero offseason, a limited training camp, and dealing with the chaos of the pandemic at tender ages. While it probably won’t go down as the greatest draft of all-time, the 2020 NBA Draft is definitely better than anyone could have ever imagined.

1.) LaMelo Ball, Charlotte Hornets

Stats: 15.8 ppg, 6.1 rpg, 6.4 apg

New Melo has been the leader in the clubhouse for this new, prestigious made up award all season. Leading into the 2020 NBA Draft Ball had plenty of detractors and it seemed to be a 50-50 chance he would either be the next Magic Johnson, or perhaps some version of Michael Carter-Williams. Either all-time great or all-time chump seemed to be the thought about Ball for months, and 30-something games into his career new Melo has exceeded even the loftiest of expectations for his rookie season. LaMelo is one of the most exciting players in the entire league, throwing lobs and skip passes all over the court to mediocre dudes like Miles Bridges and Malik Monk. He has the normally woeful Hornets in the 6th seed in the East and currently clear of the play in tournament. Ball looks like one of the next crop of great young players who will be one of the best players in the NBA for the next 15 years.

2.) Anthony Edwards, Minnesota Timberwolves

Stats: 15.8 ppg, 4.1 rpg, 2.5 apg

It took a while but the first-overall pick in the NBA draft is finally showing critics that perhaps the Timberwolves actually knew what they were doing when they selected Edwards ahead of Ball and James Wiseman. The 19-year-old from Georgia looked like he was in way over his head in the truncated pre-season, and a lot of his struggles plagued him throughout the first half of the regular season. Edwards struggles to make shots and is shaky from three, but holy shit is he an athletic terrorist when he gets a head of steam going to the rim. He threw down what will easily be the dunk of the year against the Raptors, and has a dozen other insane highlights across his first 36 games. In the eight games since Chris Finch took over as head coach Edwards is averaging 22 points per game, 5.9 rebounds, and 2.5 assists on shooting splits of 39.6/31.9/82.1. Edwards is well on his way to becoming one of the most popular young players in the NBA and has started to show that he can actually help the Timberwolves win some more games.

3.) Tyrese Haliburton, Sacramento Kings

Stats: 12.8 ppg, 3.5 rpg, 5.2 apg

Haliburton has been as steady as a 10-year vet all while playing on the least steady team in the NBA (friggin Kangz). The 21-year-old shooting guard has shown the ability to knockdown any shot and is hitting a blistering 43 percent from three as a rookie. Haliburton is already an above average playmaker with 5.2 assists as a nice compliment to De’Aaron Fox. Some people think Haliburton’s ceiling may be a little bit lower than Ball, Edwards, and even Wiseman, but he already has show an incredibly high floor in which to improve upon. Now just get as far away from Sacramento as possible, Haliburton sure would look great in a Spurs jersey wouldn’t he?

4.) Immanuel Quickley, New York Knicks

Stats: 12.5 ppg, 2.3 rpg, 2.4 apg

The Knicks knocked the 2020 draft out of the park, but surprisingly not for their top pick. The Knickerbockers chose Dayton phenom Obi Toppin with the 8th pick in the draft, but it’s their 25th pick Quickley that has helped steer the Knicks back to relevance. Quickley is already showing flashes of becoming the next Lou Williams/Jamal Crawford type slasher scorer who already has one of the best floaters in the game. Julius Randle, R.J. Barrett, and Quickley are the wonky, talented young core that against all odds will be the saviors of Madison Square Garden.

5.) Patrick Williams, Chicago Bulls

Stats: 10.2 ppg, 4.7 rpg, 1.3 apg

The Bulls are back and a lot of it is thanks to their young core, of which Patrick Williams is a key cog in the machine. Williams is a perfect fit in the frontcourt alongside Wendell Carter Jr., Lauri Markkanen, and Thaddeus Young. While Williams probably doesn’t have a future as an NBA superstar, he has the tools to grow into an important role player on a perennial playoff team.

6.) Saddiq Bey, Detroit Pistons

Stats: 10.1 ppg, 3.9 rpg, 1.1 apg

One of the lone bright spots for a Pistons team that once again is the most boring team in the NBA. Killian Hayes was supposed to be the top rookie in the Motor City, but since his injury Bey has taken that title. Bey is a nice sized wing who can knock down a three and give the Pistons a boost off the bench.

7.) Jae’Sean Tate, Houston Rockets

Stats: 9.9 ppg, 5.3 rpg, 1.6 apg

Undrafted Tate has come out of nowhere to find himself in a solid rotation spot with the Rockets in the aftermath of the James Harden trade. Tate fills a lot of needs for the Rockets who have lost 16 straight games. Tate rebounds extremely well for a 6’4″ small forward and cam provide a little defense, something James Harden never did.

8.) James Wiseman, Golden State Warriors

Stats: 12 ppg, 5.9 rpg, 0.6 apg

The plight of James Wiseman over the last 18 months makes the 19-year-old seven-footer the most interesting rookie in the NBA. Wiseman was the presumptive favorite to be the top pick in 2020 until he was barred from playing for Memphis after three games for improper benefits given to Wiseman’s family. Nobody saw him play basketball for a year afterwards, causing his draft stock to drop with pundits unsure of his talent level. Eventually Wiseman was taken second by the Warriors, a team with a roster full of key members of the Warriors dynasty that won three championships. Adding a talented big man in Wiseman was a gamble for Golden State, how would he fit in with Steph Curry and Klay Thompson? The answer is we still don’t know since Thompson is out with an Achilles injury. Wiseman has had an up-and-down rookie year moving in and out of the starting lineup, while facing criticism from head coach Steve Kerr. Wiseman still looks like he’ll be able to blossom into a good Center in the NBA, but his path to stardom has gotten just a little bit more difficult than we originally thought.

9.) Desmond Bane, Memphis Grizzlies

Stats: 9.8 ppg, 2.9 rpg, 1.3 apg

Bane gives the Grizzlies yet another young player to mix in with budding superstars Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson. At 45.1 percent, Bane is already one of the best long range shooters in the NBA and will fill an important role off the bench for a Grizzlies team fighting for a playoff spot.

10.) Isaiah Stewart, Detroit Pistons

Stats: 5.6 ppg, 5.9 rpg, 0.7 apg

Giving the Pistons some big beef in the middle, Stewart has been a lot of fun to watch on the lowly Pistons. Stewart is a tough guy who will be a fan favorite in Detroit for years to come.

NBA Expansion Cities: Wrong Answers Only

The idea of NBA expansion has somehow only become more possible in the last 10 months during the pandemic. Most people have thrown out their ideas for which cities across the country the NBA should expand to: Seattle is a no brainer, lots of people want Las Vegas (RIP James Harden), Louisville, even Mexico City and Montreal seem to be real candidates for a new NBA franchise sometime in the next half decade. Thinking about nice cities that deserve an NBA team is no fun so here are a bunch of random places that would be horrible places to give a professional basketball team.

Flint, Michigan

Population: 97,000

How pissed would people be if Adam Silver inexplicably game Flint a friggin pro sports team before the people of Flint had access to fresh water. You’d think we would have fixed that by now, but alas most actual problems in the United States were forgotten about for the last four years.

Albuquerque, New Mexico

Population: 560,000

What team, Wildcats! Get your head in the game! You don’t want to bring an NBA team to the city know as the home of High School Musical and fictional basketball/dance legend Troy Bolton. He’s Larry Bird to these people and anyone who plays for Albuquerque would have to go through arduous dance rehearsals before each game to make sure they get the choreography ready for the big night. Imagine Joel Embiid having to decide between playing in the NBA Finals or getting a callback for Danny in the teams spring production of Grease.

Nome, Alaska

Population: 3,850

Waaaaaaay too close to Russia. We don’t need a Red Dawn situation happening during the Dunk Contest at All-Star Saturday Night in Nome. The team’s name would have to be Wolverines!

Panama City Beach, Florida

Population: 12,750

The Las Vegas of the Florida panhandle James Harden would have to manage his load every time he played against PCB. If I can get up to no good in this town 99 percent of all pro athletes would get suspended within a day, especially during spring break. You would have to move the NBA Finals to November.

Honolulu, Hawaii

Population: 349,000

Way too far away. Nobody wants to have a back to back in LA and Honolulu with a five hour flight in between. Also once you get to Hawaii the last thing you’re going to want to do is go inside and play basketball all day. If they could play outside on Waikiki Beach then we can talk.

Billings, Montana

Population: 109,600

An NBA team would really get in the way of the Billings Rodeo and we don’t want that to happen do we?

Wynnewood, Oklahoma

Population: 2,212

While a Tiger King NBA team would automatically be the coolest team in pro sports, rural Oklahoma is probably not the best place to do it. Aside from the racism there’s a buttload of meth out there and these guys would wish they were Carole Baskin’s dead husband.

Gary, Indiana

Population: 76,000

Nothing good happens in Gary, Indiana.

Malibu, California

Population: 12,600

Nobody is showing up to play if they’re in Malibu. LeBron will just host everyone at his house for taco Tuesday and take the L and then just show up for like three games in April, smoke everyone and win the finals again.

Lexington, Kentucky

Population: 320,600

Way too invested in the University of Kentucky basketball team. Only UK grads can play for the new expansion team which would probably be the best team in the league. AD, KAT, Booker, Fox, SGA, Bam, Jamal Murray, Julius Randle, Tyler Herro, Boogie Cousins, John Wall, PJ Washington, and Immanuel Quickley would win 75 games and six straight titles.

Buffalo, NY

Population: 256,500

Imagine Bills fans as basketball fans? They’d be dunking on all of the poor tables across Western New York. It’s just not safe at this point to give them another team.

Roswell, New Mexico

Population: 48,400

The NBA doesn’t fuck with aliens.

Toledo, Ohio

Population: 276,600

Toledo can hardly handle a minor league baseball team and has like 3 bars, no thank you.

Montpelier, Vermont

Population: 7,855

The best thing to happen to Vermont was a bad joke on Baywatch so yea no NBA team for you.

Key Largo, Florida

Population: 9,950

The only thing I remember about Key Largo is that there was a chain gang at the beach and everyone’s lawn furniture was their coke den piss stained couch.

Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin

2,841

Way too many water parks. James Haden will absolutely figure out how to get a lap dance in the wave pool at Noah’s Ark.

Grand Forks, North Dakota

Population: 56,500

Too busy caring about a shitty college hockey team to care about a real sport.

Coon Rapids, Minnesota

Population: 62,500

Famous for being where the District 5 hockey team officially become the Ducks in The Mighty Ducks, and my place of birth, Coon Rapids is actually more know for an unfortunate name and seedy roller rink. I have a feeling most basketball players would refuse to play in jerseys that say Coon Rapids across their chest.

Adam Silver if you’re reading this maybe stick to real towns and don’t bring a basketball team to one of these shitholes.

NBA Power Rankings According to Al Pacino

I don’t know what to say really. Two months into the strangest NBA season of our lives and it all comes down to this meaningless power ranking blog. Either I heal as a writer or I’m going to crumble. Inch by inch, word by word, until I’m finished. I’m in hell right now, internet folks. Believe me, I can either stay here and get the shit kicked out of me by internet trolls or fight my way back into the light. I can climb out of hell one inch at a time.

I look around and I see the shit I’ve written and I think I’ve made every mistake a 29-year-old man can make. I pissed all my money away and moved to fucking England, I chased off anyone who’s not British and now I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror (because I haven’t had a haircut in three months of quarantine). When you get old things in life get taken away from you, you find out life’s a game of inches, and so is blogging about basketball.

In either life or blogging the margin of error is so small. One dumb post about young tv shows or GIF dependant power rankings and you don’t quite make it. One more mean spirited joke about how much you can’t stand British people and you lose readers. The inches we need are all around us. They’re in every Timberwolves meltdown reaction, in every bad inside joke, and every Ben Affleck GIF.

On this blog we fight for that inch. On this blog we tear ourselves and every British person around us to pieces for that inch. We even acknowledge the bloody Welsh for that inch. Because we know when we add up all those inches that’s going to make the fucking difference between winning and losing, between living and dying, being British and being a reasonable person.

In any fight it’s the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. If I’m gonna have any life anymore it’s because I’m willing to fight and die for that inch, because that’s what life is, the six inches in front of your face (especially if your a British person on the sidewalk). Now I can’t make you read this, you’ve got to look at the guy next to you, look into their eyes. Now I think you will see a guy who will read this blog with you. You will see a guy who is gonna sacrifice himself and read some dumb shit for the team, because he knows when it comes down to it, you better do the same for them. That’s a team, gentlemen, and either we read this Al Pacino centric NBA power ranking as a team, or you die as individuals who didn’t experience this life altering blog. That’s blogging guys, that’s all it is.

Now what are you gonna do?

The answer is your going to read the NBA Power Rankings according to Al Pacino GIFs.

1.) Utah Jazz

2.) Los Angeles Lakers

3.) Brooklyn Nets

4.) Los Angeles Clippers

5.) Philadelphia 76ers

6.) Milwaukee Bucks

7.) Phoenix Suns

8.) Portland Trail Blazers

9.) Denver Nuggets

10.) Toronto Raptors

11.) San Antonio Spurs

12.) Golden State Warriors

13.) Indiana Pacers

14.) Boston Celtics

15.) Dallas Mavericks

16.) Miami Heat

17.) Memphis Grizzlies

18.) New York Knicks

19.) Charlotte Hornets

20.) New Orleans Pelicans

21.) Atlanta Hawks

22.) Chicago Bulls

23.) Oklahoma City Thunder

24.) Orlando Magic

25.) Sacramento Kings

26.) Houston Rockets

27.) Washington Wizards

28.) Detroit Pistons

29.) Cleveland Cavaliers

30.) Minnesota Timberwolves

On any given Sunday you’re gonna win and read this blog or your gonna lose and miss out, the point is can you win or lose like a man?

2021 NBA All-Star Game Picks

The NBA will announce the starters of the 2021 NBA All-Star Game on Friday, a game in which most NBA stars have said they don’t want to play in due to, you know, a pandemic. As much as we absolutely need another round of NBA players playing horse in their driveways and backyard courts, the All-Star announcements (and not an actual game you greedy bastards) come at a time when most basketball fans need a break from what’s actually going on in the real world. This season is different from most for many reasons and one of them is that there are about 50 players who actually deserve to be named an All-Star this year. Unexpected youngsters like Shai Gilgious-Alexander, Collin Sexton, and Jerami Grant are having breakout season while veterans including DeMar DeRozan, Julius Randle, Andre Drummond, and even John Wall are having a career renaissance and are leading teams most thought were going to be at the bottom of the standings to playoff contention. Some selections were simple, some were excruciating, without further ado here are my picks for the 2021 NBA All-Star teams.

Eastern Conference Starters

Guard: Bradley Beal, Washington Wizards

Guard: Jaylen Brown, Boston Celtics

Frontcourt: Kevin Durant, Brooklyn Nets

Frontcourt: Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers

Frontcourt: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks

The frontcourt trio in the East is probably the easiest choice to make this season. Durant, Embiid, and Giannis are all having remarkable seasons and sit respectively somewhere in the top 10 of the MVP conversation. Durant is playing just as well if not slightly better than ever in his career, even after being sidelined for 18 months with what could have been a career ending Achilles injury. KD is averaging 29 points, 7.3 rebounds, and 5.3 assists per game on a near 50/40/90 split (52.4/43.4/86.9) for the third place Nets. At 32 Durant could realistically win his second career MVP award while leading the Nets super team to the third championship of his career. Embiid might be the current odds on favorite to win the MVP (currently third according to FanDuel) and has led the Sixers to the best record in the East. Giannis is still Giannis and while he won’t win a third straight MVP, he is still one of the best players in the league and will be an absolute force to be reckoned with in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. The guard selections were much harder to make. I went will Beal simply because he’s been the best offensive guard in the league and leads the NBA in scoring at 32.9 points per game. At the second guard position I selected Jaylen Brown as a starter over Kyrie Irving and James Harden because Brown has been playing at a high level on both sides of the floor for the entire season. Brown is up to 26 points per game with 5.7 rebounds and 3.4 assists. Tatum is still the leader and most talented player on the Celtics but Jaylen Brown deserves a lot of credit and is a sneaky MVP dark horse.

Eastern Conference Reserves

Guard: Zach LaVine, Chicago Bulls

Guard: Kyrie Irving, Brooklyn Nets

Frontcourt: Jayson Tatum, Boston Celtics

Frontcourt: Khris Middleton, Milwaukee Bucks

Frontcourt: Domantas Sabonis, Indiana Pacers

Wild Card: James Harden, Brooklyn Nets

Wild Card: Ben Simmons, Philadelphia 76ers

Of the reserves Tatum, Middleton, Kyrie, and Harden are mortal locks to make the team. Tatum is having the best season of his young career averaging 25.6 points, 7.1 rebounds, and a career high 4.5 assists per game for a pretty good Celtics team. Middleton is one of the best two way players in the NBA and is in serious contention for a 50/40/90 season (51/44.4/90) and is going to make his third straight All-Star team. Since Kyrie came back from his mental health break he’s been one of the best offensive players in the league. In the last 13 games he’s averaging 28.8 points on 55 percent shooting. Kyrie’s new teammate James Harden has been the one of the best playmakers in the NBA since he got traded and started giving a shit in Brooklyn. That leaves three open slots that about 15 players have a chance to fill. I picked Zach LaVine, Domantas Sabonis, and Ben Simmons to round out the roster. LaVine is an offensive monster averaging 28.5 points per game and the Bulls are officially back so he has to be an All-Star. Maybe Adam Silver can coax him into another dunk contest if he actually makes the team. I had to find a way to get a Pacer in there since they’re one of the few Eastern Conference teams that aren’t pretty bad. It came down to Sabonis and Malcolm Brogdon with Sabonis being the easy choice to make back to back All-Star games. Sabonis has become a great playmaker from the post averaging a career high 5.7 assists per game. I reserved the last wild card spot for someone who can actually play defense and that person is undoubtedly Ben Simmons. Simmons leads the league in defensive box plus minus and averages a combined 2.5 blocks and steals per game. The former top pick is arguably the best wing defender in the league and will give the East their best chance to lock down LeBron, Curry, and Lillard. Guys who just missed the roster include: Bam Adebayo, Julius Randle, Trae Young, Nikola Vucevic, and Gordon Hayward.

Western Conference Starters

Guard: Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors

Guard: Damian Lillard, Portland Trail Blazers

Frontcourt: LeBron James, Los Angeles

Frontcourt: Kawhi Leonard, Los Angeles Clippers

Frontcourt: Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets

Four of the five starting spots in the West are no-brainers. LeBron, Kawhi, and Jokic in the front court are miles ahead of any other forwards in the West, and Steph Curry is playing like his unanimous MVP self even though it’s for a middling team. LeBron is the MVP of the league so far and Jokic isn’t terribly far behind while Kawhi is always the biggest superstar who has to exert the least effort in order to take over a game. The second guard spot is where you can go a few different ways. There is a very substantial case to be made for Luka Doncic starting in place of Damian Lillard. Doncic is nearly averaging a triple double and is arguably the most impactful player for any one team. I chose Lillard as the starter because his play has vaulted the Blazers into a top five seed in the West, mostly without C.J. McCollum, and is every bit the offensive threat that Luka is, maybe minus a little playmaking ability. I want to see Steph and Dame just bomb logo threes during a game that absolutely should not actually take place.

Western Conference Reserves

Guard: Luka Doncic, Dallas Mavericks

Guard: Donovan Mitchell, Utah Jazz

Frontcourt: Anthony Davis, Los Angeles Lakers

Frontcourt: Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz

Frontcourt: Paul George, Los Angeles Clippers

Wild Card: Zion Williamson, New Orleans Pelicans

Wild Card: Chris Paul, Phoenix Suns

Like the East, the West reserves have several complete locks to make the team including: Luka, Anthony Davis, Donovan Mitchell, Rudy Gobert and Paul George. Luka arguably should be a starter ahead of Lillard. The Slovenian superstar is arguably the most important offensive player in the game averaging 29.1 points, 8.6 rebounds, and 9.4 assists per game. Donovan Mitchell is the leader of the best team in the league and his teammate Rudy Gobert is in line to win his third DPOY award this season for the Jazz. Paul George has missed the last seven games with a foot injury and should be back before the All-Star break. The same can’t be said for Davis who strained his achilles and will likely be sidelined for a few weeks. There’s a good chance that Davis gets picked for the team and then someone else takes his spot as an injury replacement. That leaves two wild-card spots open in the loaded West. I decided to pick Zion Williamson only because he’s one of the most exciting players in the NBA. Contrary to what J.E. Skeets wants you to think, Zion is a walking highlight, especially since Stan Van Gundy figured out how to properly use him as a driver and a cutter from the wing. Zion is averaging 25 points per game and dunking all over the league in his second season and will be one of the most exciting All-Star players for the next decade and a half. The last spot is reserved for the point god Chris Paul. CP3 is the reason the Suns are actually good this season and deserves to make his 11th and what might end up being his last All-Star game. The snubs in the West include: Mike Conley, Devin Booker, De’Aaron Fox, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, DeMar DeRozan, and Christian Wood.

We Be Beefin’: Best NBA Feuds of 21st Century

Who would have thought that in the year of your lord 2021 that LeBron James, arguably one of the top ten most famous people on the planet would be locked in a titanic battle of the ages with a 25-year-old Atlanta gold digger dubbed “Courtside Karen”and her 60-year-old Dan Bilzerian wannabe husband who distributes alcohol? Sounds like some kind of drunken mad-lib you would come up with in your college dorm room at 3AM while you and your roommates are drinking Natty Lights playing Goldeneye. No this actually happened last night and it got me thinking about other random NBA Feuds. NBA players are interesting because they seem like they can get into with almost anyone and anything at any time. NBA players have been feuding non-stop since the league began in the 1940’s. Here are some of the most fun, bizarre and totally random NBA feuds in the 21st Century.

10.) Malik Beasley vs. Scottie Pippen

This one isn’t neccesarily a beef as I don’t think either have spoken public about the other, but Malik Beasley straight up stole Scottie Pippen’s wife. Pippen, one of the greatest basketball players off all-time got cucked by some dude who plays for the god damn Timberwolves, the least sexy franchise in sports (except off the court this year with KAT dating Jordyn Woods). Beasley was seen over the offseason holding hands with Scotties estranged wife Larsa Pippen of Real Housewives of Miami and being Kim Kardashian’s friend fame. While Scottie and Larsa have been separated since 2016 they are not officially divorced, but the biggest part of this is that Malik Beasley is also married and his wife had to file for divorce after seeing his affair on the front page of the tabloids. Maybe the real feud is with beasley’s wife. Last thought is this, is Minnesota the new Kardashian capital of the world. I mean Kim married native son Khris Humphries, and now their former friends are all dating Timberwolves players. Minnesota is back baby.

9.) LeBron vs. Courtside Karen

This feud is hilarious on many levels. 1.) This lady was fucking ready to throw down with LeBron who is 6’9″ 250. 2.) Immediately going on Instagram to bitch about getting kicked out of the game because you wanted to fight LeBron is why I love this generation. 3.) Having to announce that you are not a gold digger when your husband is the shitty Atlanta version of the bad guy from Tenet is an admission that you are in fact a gold digger. 4.) LeBron seemed to be having so much fun in his post game presser essentially calling them drunk assholes. 5.) LeBron apparently called him “old steroid ass” which is the exact joke I’ve been trying to make. Hire me LeBron.

8.) Klay Thompson and Draymond Green vs. Rodney McGruder

This is a relatively new feud as well as Klay Thompson, who is out this year with an Achilles injury, and Draymond Green put Rodney McGruder in a body bag after the Warriors beat the Pistons 118-91 on Saturday. Apparently the 5th year vet McGruder tried to get tough at the end of a blowout loss and the Warriors took exception to it and hilariously roasted McGruder after the game.

Rough look for McGruder getting told to fuck off by two future Hall of Famers, but that’s what you get for trying to act tough when you average five minutes a game.

7.) Robin Lopez vs. Mascots

Robin Lopez fucking hates mascots and nobody knows why.

6.) Nick Young vs. D’Angelo Russell

Another NBA feud involving the ladies but this one doesn’t involve a player banging his teammates significant other. Long story short back in 2016 D’Angelo Russell recorded Nick Young talking about cheating on 2016 famous rapper Iggy Azalea, who was engaged to Nick Young AKA Swaggy P at the time (2016 was wild). The video “somehow got leaked” the rest of the Lakers blamed Russell and froze him out and the Lakers sucked. Things apparently go so bad that the Lakers told Russell to get the fuck outta LA and traded him to the Brooklyn Nets in the offseason. I guess the lesson is never cross the great Swaggy P, king of Los Angeles.

5.) Charles Oakley vs. James Dolan

James Dolan, owner of the Knicks since 1999 and frontman of his band that he won’t shut up about since nobody cares, apparently forgot that Charles Oakley is one of the greatest Knicks of all-time when he had Oakley dragged out of Madison Square Garden in 2017.

Oakley was allegedly heckling the notoriously soft Dolan because the Knicks are garbage, but the only thing anyone can confirm that Oakley said was his name, Dolan. Dolan had security escort the former all-star out but not before Oakley reverted back to his playing days and got physical with the guards. Oakley was then banned from MSG for I guess not being nice to Dolan who should remember who he’s messing with, Charles Oakley will fucking kill you. This is basically LeBron vs. Courtside Karen, but if Karen was the owner of the team.

4.) Jimmy Butler vs. Everyone employed by the Timberwolves

This is my favorite feud because it’s the one that hurts me the most. Jimmy Butler, international friendly guy, was just minding his business in the NBA when the Minnesota Timberwolves, the team he played for, decided to suck, something they had been doing for 10+ years previously. In 2018 Butler had just led the Wolves to the playoffs for the first time since 2004 and things were finally looking up for those of us who are dumb enough to be Wolves fans in the first place. After a rocky offseason Butler quickly demanded that the Wolves trade him at the beginning of the 2018-19 season. Three weeks laters Butler had had enough and decided to blow the who thing wide open. First he showed up the practice for the first time since asking for a trade. Then he took the third stringers and took it straight to the starters, trash talking KAT and Wiggins mostly throughout. He then started yelling at everyone in the gym including General Manager Scott Layden telling him he fucking needs Butler and can’t win without him. Immediately after practice Butler sat down for an interview with Rachel Nichols and continued to blast Towns and Wiggins on ESPN. It was like Denzel at the end of Training Day except instead of Terry Crews and other scary guys who shot him, in Butler’s case it was Towns and Wiggins, who probably apologized to him and let him continue his demonic run with the Wolves. Butler finally got his wish in a trade that is still somehow screwing the Wolves over more than two years later, classic.

3.) Matt Barnes vs. Derek Fisher

Another classic edition of NBA teammates fucking each other’s wives. As a basketball fan growing up in the ’90s and 2000’s, the last guy you would think of fucking around with someone else’s wife would be Derek Fisher. He seemed so soft and likeable when he was winning championships with the Lakers, and you assumed all the sleazy stuff was for the megastars like Shaq and Kobe. Not so fast it as turns out that Fisher is a dog. He was getting it on with his former Laker teammate Matt Barnes’ wife when Fisher was the head coach for the Knicks. One of Barnes’ kids called him to say Fisher was there so Barnes allegedly drove 95-miles to kick some ass. They got into a fight and that was that. In hindsight Matt Barnes might be one of the toughest and crazies basketball players ever, maybe just maybe don’t bang his wife, pick someone weaker like Smush Parker.

2.) LeBron vs. Dan Gilbert

LeBron vs. Gilbert is a tale as old as time. Hometown franchise drafts the most famous NBA prospect of all-time. Famous prospect blossoms into best player in the league. Beloved organization does absulutely nothing to help player succeed. Famous player leaves for glitzy Miami on national TV without telling dumpy hometown team first. Hometown team owner gets butthurt and writes a really dumb letter and publishes it nationally saying his dumpy team will win way more championships than greatest player in leagues super team. Super Team wins championship like everyone thought they would while dumpy team takes an even bigger dump with one of the worst seasons of all-time while owner acts like a baby for years afterwards. It’s basically Beauty and the Beast but with Dan Gilbert as the Beast, but instead of learning about true love and not being an asshole, he just sits around looking at his flower while being a dick to his furniture for all eternity.

1.) Gilbert Arenas vs. Javaris Crittendon

Gilbert Arenas vs. Javaris Crittendon will go down in history as the one NBA feud that was .2 seconds away from during into an actual bloodbath in the locker room. It is the reason why the NBA can’t have real feuds and they have to take to the streets and talk trash to wannabe Atlanta influences who marry guys that look like Jim Irsay. No the Arenas/Crittendon duel is the best of the best of actually serious NBA beefs born out of the dumbest scenarios. It all started where all of the good duels in history started, a high stakes card game on the team plane. Arenas apparently pocketed some money ($1,100) that Crittendon thought he was owed and didn’t take kindly to the theft. Two days later when things hadn’t calmed down both brought guns to the team’s practice, Arenas had four unloaded guns while Crittendon pointed a loaded gun at Arenas’ head. Everyone fled the locker room and they eventually figured things out. Both Arenas and Crittendon were suspended for the rest of the season and it ruined their careers. Crittendon never played in the NBA again, partly because he sucked and Arenas was traded the next season and was out of the league before he turned 30. The Crazy part is Crittendon went and fucking killed someone in a gang related shooting and is serving 23 years in prison. This is the most insane feud in NBA history and could have escalated into a huge tragedy in the locker room.

Let this be a lesson to you, don’t piss of an NBA player because they will retaliate by fucking your wife or pointing a gun at you, pick your poison.

Top 5 NBA Stars Stuck on Shitty Teams

The NBA has made it’s living on somehow pairing all-time great players with some of its most functional and successful franchises: Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant and the Lakers, Larry Bird and the Celtics, and more recently Luka Doncic with the Mavericks, somehow it just seems to workout. Unfortunately for some of the biggest stars in the league, they aren’t lucky enough to get paired with a responsible franchise and end up toiling in mediocrity for most of their careers: Kevin Garnett with the Timberwolves had some years but largely struggled to stay relevant, Oscar Robertson with the Cincinnati Royals, and Anthony Davis with the Pelicans had a rough time for most of their careers. In today’s NBA as several stars team up with each other to form super teams there are plenty of superstar players who get screwed and are stuck trying to carry a hopeless franchise all by themselves. Here are the top five current NBA stars who are stuck on some really shitty teams.

5.) Trae Young, Atlanta Hawks

Trae Young could have an amazing NBA career and go down as one of the legends of the league and will still mostly be known as the player the Hawks traded Luka Doncic for. That’s an insane statement since Young dropped 29.6 points per game and 9.3 assists and was voted in as an all-star starter last season as a 21-year-old. Unfortunately for Young he was drafted by the Hawks who have been one of the worst franchises since absolutely blowing the Doncic/Young trade in 2018. Young has led the Hawks to a 54-107 record so far in his young career. The Hawks swung for the fences this offseason signing Danilo Gallinari, Rajon Rondo, and Bogdan Bogdanvić to compliment their young core. Atlanta was the team that most NBA pundits saw taking a huge leap into the playoffs this season. That has not materialized so far as the Hawks sit in 10th place in the East at 5-7. After a hot 3-0 start Atlanta has dropped seven of its last nine games and Trae Young has struggled. Over the last nine games Young is averaging just 19.6 points per game on 34.2 percent shooting from the field and 20.4 percent from three. Some attribute Young’s rough patch to comments made by teammate and former friend John Collins who criticized how Trae Young runs the offense. Bad franchises find ways to screw good things up and now it seems like Atlanta’s two young stars are beefing and the Hawks may be more open to trading Collins. Perhaps the Hawks should have just stood pat at number three in the 2018 draft and taken the NBA’s number one boy Luka Doncic instead of making what will go down in history as one of the worst trades off all-time even if Young is a perennial all-star.

4.) De’Aaron Fox, Sacramento Kings

Another team that blew their chance at drafting Doncic, the Sacramento Kings tuck in right behind the Minnesota Timberwolves as the worst NBA franchise over the last decade and a half. The Kings haven’t made the playoffs since 2006, the longest active playoff drought in the league. Fox has blossomed into one of the better point guards in the NBA and should be leading a fast paced high flying Kings team that has the talent to compete for a play-in spot. Alas Sacramento is trash and it’s no wonder Lady Bird wanted to get out as fast as she could. Fox could do the same if the status quo in California’s capital doesn’t change soon. The Kings are so pathetic they have had not one but two fathers of players (including Fox’s) tweet about trading Marvin Bagley III. Fox is signed through the 2025-26 season so there’s no rush to put a winning product around him, and there are already signs of improvement. Sacramento capitalized off of the failures of 11 other teams who passed on Tyrese Haliburton in the 2020 NBA Draft. The combo guard from Iowa State is off to an impressive start to his career and looks like a perfect pair alongside Fox in the backcourt. If history has taught us anything though it is to be wary of the Kings, they will inevitably find a way to fuck things up in the saddest way possible.

3.) Zach LaVine, Chicago Bulls

The Bulls have been literal garbage since trading Jimmy Butler for Zach LaVine during the 2017 NBA Draft. Since that trade the six-time NBA Champions are 76-166, third worst in the league just ahead of the Knicks and Hawks. During that time LaVine has been arguably the best player in the league to not make and all-star appearance. The 2014 first round pick for the Timberwolves is averaging 23.6 points, 4.6 rebounds, and 4.2 assists per game in 160 games in the Windy City. LaVine has held up his end of the bargain, but the Bulls have completely failed to surround him with a competent supporting cast. The young core of LaVine, Coby White, Lauri Markkanen, Wendell Carter Jr., and Patrick Williams has loads of potential, but has yet to put together anything that resembles winning basketball. All five are 25-years-old or younger so there is plenty of time to right the ship, but LaVine’s contract runs out after the 2021-22 season so the clock is ticking to win some games before he walks in free agency.

2.) Karl-Anthony Towns, Minnesota Timberwolves

At this point you just have to feel bad for Towns in Minnesota. The former first overall pick is one of the 10 most talented players in the league and has been absolutely wasted with one of the worst franchises in the four major sports. Towns has made the playoffs just once in his six seasons in the league, and that was all thanks to his best good friend Jimmy Butler in 2018. Aside from the best friends gang of Butler, Towns, and Andrew Wiggins getting douchebag swept by the top-seeded Houston Rockets in their lone playoff apperance, the Wolves are 118-203 since drafting Towns first overall out of Kentucky in 2015. Towns has done nearly everything asked of him in his still young career including winning Rookie of the Year in 2016, making two all-star teams and being selected to the All-NBA third team in 2018. The Wolves threw caution to the wind last year in a desperate attempt to build a winner in Minneapolis, and more importantly keep Towns happy, by trading Wiggins and a 2021 first round pick to the Warriors for Town’s actual best good friend D’Angelo Russell. The result of the trade hasn’t rocketed Minnesota into the playoff race like most fans were hoping. The Wolves are the worst team in the West at 3-8 and sport the second worst defense in the league. Somehow the silver lining of all of this turmoil is that Towns has been injured for most of the season missing six games with a dislocated wrist. Minnesota is 2-2 with Towns in the lineup and have looked like a competent team with him and have been absolute trash without him. More bad news for us Wolves fans as Towns has tested positive for COVID-19 and will sit out for the next several games. It’s a scary situation for Towns and his family who have already lost seven family members, including Towns’ mother Jacqueline, to COVID-19 in the past year. KAT still has three years left on his contract, but if the Wolves continue to flounder and they miss out on their first round pick this season it could be time to at least start opening up trade talks for the face of their franchise.

1.) Bradley Beal, Washington Wizards

For the love of your man made gods somebody please get Bradley Beal as far away from Washington as possible. For most NBA fans it seems like Beal has been toiling away as a superstar in a hopeless situation for his entire career, but it might surprise most that the Wizards have only missed the playoffs for the last two seasons. In 2017 the Wizards were a team on the rise, the fourth seed in the East and John Wall was jumping on the scorers table after he hit a game winning three to beat the Celtics and force a game seven (that the Wizards lost) in the Eastern Conference Semifinals.

Things were looking up in D.C. ( at least on the basketball court, not for, you know, the country) but four years later and the Wizards are one of the most hapless franchises in the NBA. Beal is doing all he can to keep the Wizards from becoming the laughing stock of the league. The two-time all-star scored 60 points in a loss against the 76ers earlier this month and it’s starting to weigh on one of the best offensive players in the league. Beal has made remarks that he’s “pissed off” and the Wizards “can’t guard a parked car“, which is true, they have the 28th ranked defense in the league this season. The NBA’s leading scorer this season is on a 3-8 team and is now firmly on the trading block and even Wizards fans have to come to terms that it’s time for him to go.

It’s not all doom and gloom for these franchise cornerstones. As we’ve seen throughout history some all-time great players who start their career’s with a shitty franchise go on to leave them in the dust and win championships with another team. As previously mentioned Kevin Garnett spent 12 seasons trying to lift Minnesota to a title all by himself before eventually cracking and asking for a trade. Garnett was traded to the Celtics in 2007 and won his first and only championship of his career the next season. The Big O toiled away for 10 season in Cincinnati before finally teaming up with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to win a championship in his first season in Milwaukee in 1971. Are any of our current stars KG or Oscar? Two of the 25 best players in NBA history? Probably not but that doesn’t mean they can’t follow the same path and find glory somewhere else, it just takes one public trade request to get the ball rolling.

NBA Power Rankings According to Ben Affleck

“What the fuck is the internet”

“The internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.”

Wise words from the patron saint of Dunkin’ Donuts Ben Affleck. The internet is now a place where people can share their NBA power rankings with a lot of unrelated Ben Affleck GIFs. Three weeks into the season and basically all of the NBA is 5-5, with a few standouts and several clunkers, much like Affleck’s career. But you know what the best part of my day is? It’s the ten seconds before the games begin because I let my self think the games might end and the Timberwolves won’t be losing, they just won. Now I don’t know much, but I do know that.

1.) Los Angeles Lakers

2.) Los Angeles Clippers

3.) Philadelphia 76ers

4.) Milwaukee Bucks

5.) Phoenix Suns

6.) Boston Celtics

7.) Indiana Pacers

8.) Brooklyn Nets

9.) Dallas Mavericks

10.) Utah Jazz

11.) Denver Nuggets

12.) Portland Trail Blazers

13.) Golden State Warriors

14.) Miami Heat

15.) Orlando Magic

16.) Atlanta Hawks

17.) San Antonio Spurs

18.) Houston Rockets

19.) New Orleans Pelicans

20.) Charlotte Hornets

21.) Oklahoma City Thunder

22.) New York Knicks

23.) Toronto Raptors

24.) Chicago Bulls

25.) Cleveland Cavaliers

26.) Sacramento Kings

27.) Memphis Grizzlies

28.) Washington Wizards

29.) Minnesota Timberwolves

30.) Detroit Pistons

The internet has given everyone in America a voice. For some reason, I decided to use that voice to bitch about Ben Affleck. Affleck, if you’re reading, you the bomb in Phantoms yo!