NBA Power Rankings According to Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington would come into the NBA and immediate become the greatest coach of all-time. He took the raggedy Titans and turned them into the greatest defensive team in the history of high school football and cured racism along the way. In He Got Game Denzel became the greatest force in NCAA recruiting history by getting out of prison and getting his son Jesus Shuttlesworth (AKA Ray Allen) to go to Big State. That’s like of I told LeBron James to go to Minnesota just for shits and he fucking did and won a national championship. Even Alonzo Harris inspired sad boy Jake Hoyt to become a great cop. Dude didn’t have the drive until Detective Harris left him for dead and tried to set him up for some crimes, a real motivator. Hell, he could take the Timberwolves and turn them into a contender, just gotta get out the PCP.

1.) Brooklyn Nets

2.) Utah Jazz

3.) Philadelphia 76ers

4.) Milwaukee Bucks

5.) Phoenix Suns

6.) Los Angeles Lakers

7.) Los Angeles Clippers

8.) Denver Nuggets

9.) Portland Trail Blazers

10.) Dallas Mavericks

11.) Miami Heat

12.) San Antonio Spurs

13.) Golden State Warriors

14.) Boston Celtics

15.) Atlanta Hawks

16.) New York Knicks

17.) Memphis Grizzlies

18.) Indiana Pacers

19.) Charlotte Hornets

20.) New Orleans Pelicans

21.) Chicago Bulls

22.) Toronto Raptors

23.) Oklahoma City Thunder

24.) Cleveland Cavaliers

25.) Washington Wizards

26.) Sacramento Kings

27.) Orlando Magic

28.) Minnesota Timberwolves

29.) Detroit Pistons

30.) Houston Rockets

Now we just gotta get Will Patton to sign on as the Timberwolves’ defensive specialist. We are the Timberwolves, the mighty mighty Timberwolves. Quick comp of the Wolves and Titans rosters. KAT is Gerry Bertier, Anthony Edwards is Julius, Rubio is sunshine (obviously), DLo is Petey, Beasley is Gosling, Naz is Blue, and Glen Taylor is Ray (the racist one), lastly I’m Hayden Panettiere but with way more swearing.

Training Day is not for 10-Year-Olds

When I was ten years old my hobbies included: playing outside, riding my bike, dominating Frogger on Playstation, and watching my fair share of TV shows and movies. At the time my favorite movies to rent were typical ten-year-old fare, things like Peter Pan and the Disney Robin Hood, you know, kid stuff. One day my mom decided to go to the movie rental store and picked out a few movies without us (probably because my brother and I picked the same aforementioned movies every time). She came home with the movie Training Day. You know Training Day. It’s the 2001 coming of age story of a young cop (Ethan Hawke) who gets mentored by a kindly veteran Cop (Denzel Washington) and they find friendship and have a few laughs along the way. What could go wrong, it sounds like a perfect movie for a couple of lame ten-year-olds to watch with their mom right?

 

Training Day is pretty brutal and super gritty. We were tricked because we only knew Denzel as the lovable coach in Remember the Titans so we figured he was a good guy. Little did we know that Denzel could be a dirty LAPD narcotics detective. We got probably about 15 minutes into Training Day when my mom finally realized that this was not going to be an appropriate movie for kids. I think in that span you get about three N-words out of Denzel, lots of violence and swearing, and Ethan Hawke does PCP, not exactly what my mom was probably expecting to see. To be fair I have no idea what she was expecting when she rented it.

This left me scarred for the better part of the last 18 years. I never fully recovered from the first 15 minutes of Training Day. I finally watched Training Day all the way through for the first time this week and I can officially say that 28-year-old Phil likes Training Day a lot more than 10-year-old Phil.