Movies are only as good as their villain and most movie villains are after one thing and one thing only… they want to fuck. You may have never thought about this before but movie villains need to bang too, they’re just normal humans (mostly) with sexual desires. Some villains are into some weird shit, while others are more conventional in the bedroom, while some aren’t even looking for anything from their victims except for a swift and unsexy death. And hey man, do what you wanna do, there’s no kink shamming going on here, except for you Armie Hammer, you’re a real guy and seemingly a real big piece of shit, but for out villains we don’t get to tell them how to love. Without further ado here’s 20 famous movie villains rated by kinkiness because this is what the world needs to read right now.
20.) Michael Myers
While he is a very hands on and dedicated stalker, I’m pretty sure this guy does not fuck.
Kink Rating: 0/10
19.) The Terminator
Dude gets dropped off on Earth butt naked with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body (minus the shriveled roid penis, because he’s probably got a giant robot dong) and the first thing he does is beat up some guys for his clothes? Dude you’re in LA naked 1984 Arnold can do anything he wants, and all you want to do is kill Sarah Connor? That’s just boring man do better. This is for killing Bill Paxton you bitch.
Kink Rating: 1/10
18.) Thanos
The busiest guy in the universe doesn’t have time to get busy with any of his conquests after a long day of killing half the people in the universe, that’s why he’s just got a bunch of adopted children. He could use the Infinity Stones for literally any freaky shit he wants, but instead snaps his fingers like he’s in a Lil Jon music video, and then goes to hangout alone on some shitty planet and farm some soybeans. Thanos doesn’t fuck and he really doesn’t want you to either.
Kink Rating: 1.5/10
17.) Anton Chigurh
The coin flip definitely gets the blood flowing in his loins and he loves choking dudes out as you can see above, but It’s just part of the job. Serial killer Anton has about as much sexual energy as John Ford in his high school senior pictures with a not too dissimilar haircut and absolute evil in their cold dead eyes.
Kink Rating: 2/10
16.) Shooter McGavin
Golf is notably one of the least sexy sports full of impotent, middle aged white men who masquerade as athletes and Shooter McGavin is the embodiment of the worst of white country club America. He’s a notable Yacht Rock guy who hates rock concerts, but does watch those people fucking in the woods for way too long. If you include bad place Shooter (which I do not) then you could argue for him to be higher on the list. Bad place shooter is a sex machine who sucks tongue with Happy’s grandma, the KISS guy, and Julie Bowen. He does eat pieces of shit for breakfast so you know there’s a sexual deviant in there somewhere. Normal Shooter is the equivalent of Phil Mickelson, while bad place Shooter is 2008 Tiger Woods just smashing prostitutes and waitresses all over the country.
Kink Rating: 3/10
15.) The Shark from Jaws
I mean he just kind of lies there and stares at you with those lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes and makes you do all the work. That being said Bruce is a biter and will put literally anything in his mouth at least once, nice. Overall though he may be a little too overbearing and is constantly forgetting the safe word, you can’t be too violent if you want to keep fucking all over the sea, otherwise you get blown up by Amity’s daddy Roy Scheider.
Kink Rating: 5/10
14.) Dr. Evil
My guy just wants to be loved but those crazy Belgians fucked little Dougie up. Dr. Evil clones himself and enters into some weird father/son relationship with mini-me, gets freaky with that crazy lady who is his concubine? His wife? Some lady who works for him? I don’t know and I don’t want to. But most of all Dr. Evil just wants Scott to respect him and carry on the Evil name which is a noble quest for a time travelling megalomaniac. Dr. Evil also goes on Jerry Springer at one point which ups the kink factor of any movie villain by like 8%.
Kink Rating: 5/10
13.) Scar
Scar is a tragic bitch surrounded by a harem of subservient hyenas who will do anything for him. The thing is Scar doesn’t get it up for the playboy lifestyle, instead what gets him going is the thought of murdering his own brother and having his gang mutilate his nephew while fucking his sister-in-law. Scar made evil-sexy Hamlet cool before Rick Dalton was ever even cast in Lancer. Scar loves to play with his victims and is basically the Buffalo Bill of the Serengeti. You can absolutely see him in his little room on pride rock dancing in front of a mirror with his big lion balls tucked between his legs saying would you fuck me, I’d fuck me while making Zazu rub lotion on his feathers in his weird little ribcage prison.
Kink Rating: 6/10
12.) Captain Hook
This is where we veer into some really problematic kinks for the first time in this post. If you didn’t notice, Captain Hook is a straight up pedophile. We’re talking especially about Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal of the swashbuckler in the movie Hook. One, he’s obsessed with small children, particularly teenage boys, first Peter Pan, then his son Jack. He grooms Jack to get back at Robin Williams for not loving him enough and eventually leaving Neverland, which is fucked up. He dresses the kid up in full wig, fancy pirate coats, and other stuff and it’s pretty fucking weird. He then has the thing with the crocodile and the clock, and seems to get half a chub when he stabs Rufio, another child, and tries to kill a whole band of orphans. Julia Roberts is in this movie and can’t even get Hook to call her back. Bad form James, bad form.
Kink Rating: a problematic 6/10
11.) Billy Loomis
Poor Billy Loomis is just your normal teenager who needs to fuck, and when he doesn’t he murders half the town. Seems like poor self awareness on his behalf to start dating known good girl Sidney Prescott. Also dude is obsessed with Sid and also killed her mom cuz she fucked his dad, big time mommy issues for young William. You have to admire the commitment though, trying to kill his girlfriend several times while he’s also trying to bang her, then playing stabby stab with his buddy Stu (who he’s def gone to second base with while taking turn licking the blood off their practice stab wounds). Billy Loomis is the ultimate fuckboy who just wants to penetrate stuff no matter the cost.
Kink Rating: 6/10
10.) Sauron
Fucking stalk much, Jesus Sauron get a fucking hobby for Christ’s sake. All he does is sit in his very phalic tower and watches people for 3,000 years. The ultimate voyeur also tries to lure people into loving him by giving them a sexy little ring which binds (nice) people to his will. He even tries to share power with other penis tower enthusiast Saruman who the number two resident peeping Tom of Middle Earth.
Kink Rating: 6/10
9.) The Alien from Alien
A couple of things about the Alien: It latches onto your face and pumps its eggs down your throat, nice. While it’s face fucking you it also chokes the shit out of you, then without warning comes busting right the fuck out of your chest and sprays blood everywhere. Also it has nothing to do with the Xenomorph, but the android if filled with semen which is notable. Also in space no one can hear you scream sounds like the intro to a bad porno, and happens to be the tagline fo this movie. In conclusion the alien is just into autoerotic asphyxiation and is a classic exhibitionist.
Kink Rating: 7/10
8.) Amy Dunne
Not only cucks the shit out of the ultimate sub, Ben Affleck, but makes all of America her bitch as well. She literally slashes NPH’s throat while fucking him, drives home to beta Affleck, he knows she killed NPH and set him up, and she still gets him to get her pregnant, that’s some ultimate dominant shit right there. She’d rather spend the rest of her life and have a kid with Affleck, a man she despises than go live out her life in the Puget Sound painting ducks in her screened in porch. 10/10 guys would marry the shit out of Amy Dunne even knowing that they would eventually either get brutally murdered or framed for a murder/kidnapping because they know that the shower sex afterwards would be next level.
Kink Rating: 7.5/10
7.) Jafar
Oh yea you know Jafar fucks. He’s the evil animated Elton John of the Disneyverse. He has a giant snake staff that gets hard and soft throughout the movie, and the first thing he does when he gains power is make Jasmine his sex slave, then becomes a sex slave as a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub him the right way.
Kink Rating: 7.5/10
6.) Hans Gruber
Gruber basically invented terrorism by ASMR and had a knack for flirting his way into the hearts of his hostages especially his cocaine fantasy boytoy Ellis. Hans and John McClane have intense sexual chemistry during the whole movie and Hans can’t get enough of the cowboy role play throughout their cat and mouse chase. You see Hans’ oh face when he gets dropped off of Nakatomi Plaza because the thought of falling 1,000 feet to his death turns him all the way the fuck on.
Kink Rating: 8/10
5.) Freddie Krueger
A Nightmare on Elm Street is essentially just one big psychosexual Freudian story about a dude who gets off from watching teens banging and sleeping. I mean my guy literally fingers them to death in their sleep, fucking freshman move Fredo, get a hobby.
Kink Rating: 8/10
4.) Hans Landa
Hans Landa is a naughty little evil piece of shit isn’t he, what a scamp. Here are some of the kinky things he does throughout Inglourious Basterds:
- Flirts with Perrier LaPadite over a cheeky glass of milk while puffing on that big-ass pipe knowing full well he’s about to gun down some kids
- Lets Shoshanna go even though he could have shot her with his puny little Nazi gun
- Whole lot of cream talk at the meeting with the ultimate cuck Joeseph Goebbels
- Sniffs the shit out of that autographed napkin
- Flirts with Brad Pitt in broken Italian
- Cinderella’s Bridget von Hammersmark and then chokes the shit out of her
- Relishes in sexual tension the whole movie
- Gets headbutted by Brad Pitt wearing a hood, likes it
- Nicknames Ryan from The Office the little man
- Writhes in pain? pleasure? while Brad Pitt carves a swastika into his fucking face, definitely likes it
Hans Landa, horny little possum man.
Kink Rating: 8.5/10
3.) The Joker
To be clear this is specifically Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight. Jack Nicholson’s Joker is a fuckboy, but Joaqin Phoenix’s is a sad virgin man and we don’t speak about Jared Leto’s Joker in this household. Ledger’s Joker has the most chaotic sexual energy of anyone all-time real or fake. He loves getting punched in the face repeatedly by a big strong guy in a gimp suit. He plays constant sexual mind games with Bruce Wayne and even lets Bruce tie him up and hang him upside down. And above all else I think he is truly in love with Batman, what if the Dark Knight was really a romance the entire time?
Kink Rating 9/10
2.) Hannibal Lecter
Look at this little flirt, just asking Jodie Foster to get closer to his cell, you frisky monster you. Dr. Lecter is the inspiration for real life monster Armie Hammer who all the way sucks. Some would argue that Buffalo Bill is the true kink-master, which does make sense with all the mirror dancing, the it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again mumbo jumbo, keeping women in wells, it makes sense. My argument is two fold: first Buffalo Bill isn’t the real villain in The Silence of the Lambs so we don’t care about him, secondly big guy is just trying to figure out who he is and wants to experiment, Lecter knows exactly who he is, a psycho who gets off by eating people with some second tier beans and a shitty wine.
Kink Rating: 9.5/10
1.) Darth Vader
I mean obviously, Vader is Anakin Skywalker, a sexy sensitive guy from Tatooine. Starting off in the prequels Anakin has some real mommy issues and is def trying to slide into Padme’s royal panties at the ripe old age of nine. I mean he calls her an angel before he goes through puberty, you knew this kid was gonna get up to some shit when he got older. After he becomes Vader he also walks around the galaxy choking people while essentially wearing a gimp suit and stabbing them with a large light up dildo, that’s a kinky cry for help if I’ve ever seen one. He has a steamy showdown with Obi Wan and you wonder what happened between them 30 years prior when they were alone together in the vastness of space. Vader loves power but also gets off being the obedient servant of a shriveled penis man named Sheev. Dude was probably just trying to get freaky in in a galaxy far far away, did anyone ever even ask? No they just shot at him like a bunch of assholes. Stupid rebels.
Kink Rating: 10/10
If we’ve learned anything from this exercise it’s that people in movies are evil primarily because they need to fuck and get into some weird shit. So next time you watch a movie and there’s a horrible villain doing some truly evil shit just think for once what they’re going through, and if they’re getting any and allow them to let their freak flags fly proudly while they kill the shit out of some innocent people.
Dunking on Oxford 