For many being quarantined to their homes during the Coronavirus pandemic is an opportunity to better themselves. Millions of people are taking all of this extra free time to learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby, read and even watch those classic movies they’ve always wanted to get around to. For me it’s mostly drinking, reading, complaining, plotting a class uprising, and watching movies. To my credit, some of these movies are great, but there’s nothing quite like wasting your day away with no responsibilities in the world watching an absolutely horrible movie. The following is a list of the ten worst movies that I’ve subjected myself (and Jenny) to during our quarantine.
This might be the most painful paragraph I’ve ever had to write. To me, Highlander is perfect. Scotland, Katana swords, immortality! A nearly perfect movie on paper. Highlander should have won the Oscar for greatest movie ever made. The only thing wrong with Highlander is the acting is terrible, the writing sounds like a focus group of 12 year olds wrote the screenplay, it makes little to no sense at all, but non of that is what makes Highlander a truly bad movie. You’re telling me that in 1986 you have a script about a Scottish lord who is a badass immortal, swinging swords around and again, being super Scottish, then you call up Sean Connery, one of the most Scottish people of all-time, and instead of having him play your Scottish badass immortal fight god, you cast him as an Egyptian masquerading as a Spaniard and call him Juan Sanchez-Villalobos Ramirez?!?!?! Get the fuck outta here.
Comedies from the late ’70s and early ’80s just do not age well. Caddyshack is a classic and while it has its moments, It totally does not hold up 40 years later. The best part is still Bill Murray fucking around with that Gopher and slowly going insane, but I’d rather just fast-forward through the rest of it.
8. Four Weddings and a Funeral
Four Weddings and a Funeral is just another reason to not trust the fucking British. They give the whole thing away in the title. All you need to know is a group of uninteresting people go to some mediocre weddings throughout the years, one of the random one dies out of nowhere, and Hugh Grant is his normal awkward self. That’s the movie. Hugh Grant had more chemistry with some pigs while at Oxford (allegedly) than he did with Andie MacDowell in this movie. It’s one of those movies where the funny parts aren’t funny and the sad parts aren’t sad, which sums up the Brits to a fucking T.
The mid ’90s were a really weird time for a lot of big stars to all gang up in really awful movies. Outbreak’s cast boasts Dustin Hoffman, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey, Donald Sutherland, Cuba Gooding Jr., Rene Russo, and McDreamy himself Patrick Dempsey. Most of those people are Oscar winners, and all of them are or were huge stars at one point, and yet Outbreak sucks. Definitely don’t watch it during the pandemic, especially if you’re in a state or country where you have to ask yourself “would our leader blow up a small town in order to keep the virus from spreading”.If you’re not sure about the answer check out a different movie, and also you should definitely move.
6. While You were Sleeping
While you Were Sleeping is super creepy. Don’t be fooled by America’s Sweetheart Sandra Bullock, she is a psychopath in this movie who just pretends to be some dude in a coma’s girlfriend? Who the fuck does that? She should be locked up for this, not get to bang America’s real sweetheart Bill Pullman. She even goes so far as to almost marry the poor guy. Seriously what the fuck is happening. Just tell everyone you lied so you could get into his room, and then fell in love with Bill Pullman. Who could fault you, its Bill Pullman, America’s greatest president and a B+ Han Solo wannabe. Bill Pullman is too good for this movie.
5. The Fault in our Stars
Why does everyone in teen movies nowadays have to have curated names like Hazel and Augustus? Does anyone named Rick and Jill ever get together anymore? Jesus I sound old, I promise I’m still a vibrant 20something with an exciting life. The Fault in Our Stars also tries really hard to make the word okay really sweet and make you want to cry every time you hear it. Seriously? OK? Fuck off. Also I appreciate Augustus wearing a Rik Smits jersey for a date, but at least get a real jersey for an adult bro, don’t make your mom pick you up a youth XL from Sports Authority.
4. Sixteen Candles
Like I mentioned earlier with Caddyshack, comedies from this era have not aged well and Sixteen Candles might be the best example. It is equal parts racist, sexist, super rapey, and just incredibly boring. Non of the moments that were supposed to be touching were earned at all, and in the end Molly Ringwald gets her guy, but why do we care? It’s not like she liked him and he liked her but something was standing in their way and finally at the end they got together and everything was great. No, All that happens is he finds out she likes him and shows up at her sisters wedding after a party? Maybe it’s just me but thats not cute at all and not worth the build up in any way.
A few random questions I have about the movie After in no particular order: Why does she like that dude? Is he hot? Why is she skinny dipping in a lake with a guy she hated two minutes before? Are college parties cool anymore if the cool kids are playing truth or dare? How pissed is British douche’s parents when they find him drinking from a glass bottle by the pool? He definitely smashed that bottle and they’re going to have to completely drain their pool. Why is that the thing that annoys me the most about this movie? Is the twist really that big of a deal? Is the random bitchy friend saying “this isn’t what you think it is” before the big “twist” just written in because they needed shots for the trailer to tell people what the movie is about in the most vague way possible? How is this Harry Styles fan-fic? Doe people call it fan-fic? Have I asked too many questions? Will there be an After After?
2. Shark in Venice
Shark in Venice is pretty self explanatory. It’s a bad campy Sci-Fi channel style movie about “what if there were sharks in Venice”. Seems like that could be a decent idea for a slightly below average movie, right? No, you’re wrong and I’ll tell you why. It’s not about Sharks in Venice at all. It’s about a man chasing after a treasure that’s been lost under Venice because the Medici family hid it? Sure, but now the mafia is looking for it and some shit and our protagonist’s dad died trying to scuba dive and find the treasure because oh wait there’s sharks in the canals for… reasons. Oh and our protagonist? It’s Stephen fucking Baldwin!!! They got the fat Baldwin brother to be in this movie! These are harsh times for Hollywoods favorite band of pretty douchey brothers, even if Stephen was already the weakest. Needless to say is he does not pull off the “sexy scuba diver/treasure hunter/actually competent actor vibe”. They should have gone after Alec and watched the Oscars start rolling in.
1. Planet of the Sharks
Basically in the same vain as our last Baldwin family classic, Planet of the Sharks revolves around some convoluted plot to get sharks to eat the shit out of people for 90 minutes. Just envision Waterworld, That really crappy mid ’90s movie with Kevin Costner where the world was all water and ppl were basically pirates and shit. It’s like that but replace Kevin Costner with your friends dad, the girl who took a spin class with you that one time, and your 9th grade english teacher. Just imagine anyone in your life who can’t act and you have this movie. At one point a lady who can only be described as the worst person in a middle school play version of The Walking Dead does an accent that seemed to be a mix between Texas and the smart ape in the James Franco Planet of the Apes, but right when he’s first learning to talk. At some point there was a white dude playing and asian scientist for absolutely no reason (No, Scarlett Johansson was not in this movie). It definitely cracks the top ten fo worst movies I’ve ever seen and takes home the gold in worst movies I’ve seen during quarantine (so far).