All-Time NBA Mega-Draft: Rounds Nine and Ten

If it is to be said, so it is…so it be. Like Cousin Greg, it’s hard to find the words to describe the rest of the draft picks 241-450 so we’ll leave it unsaid here. If you want a deeper dive on each pick listen to our podcast like you should have been doing all along.

Round 9: The Inefficiency

Pick 241: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Jrue Holiday

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 3x All-Defensive

Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry, Zion Williamson, Otis Birdsong

Pick 242: Miami Heat (John): Kevin Willis

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 1x All-NBA

Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Billy Cunningham, Fat Lever, Rudy Tomjanovich, Latrell Sprewell

Pick 243: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Rik Smits

Stats: 1x All-Star

Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward

Pick 244: Utah Jazz (John): Larry Johnson

Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1991-92 ROY

Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton, Larry Nance, Gus Williams

Pick 245: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Derek Harper

Stats: 2x All-Defensive

Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones, Rich Guerin, Larry Foust

Pick 246: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Rashard Lewis

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star

Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing, LaMarcus Aldridge, Stephon Marbury, Alvin Robertson, Vin Baker

Pick 247: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Fred Brown

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star

Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens, Joe Johnson, Draymond Green, DeMarcus Cousins, Rod Strickland, Terry Cummings

Pick 248: Minnesota Timberwolves (John): Mark Eaton

Stats: 1x All-Star, 5x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY

Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton, Alex English, Shawn Kemp, Walter Davis, Baron Davis, David West, Michael Redd

Pick 249: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Andre Drummond

Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA

Teammates: Shaq, Paul Pierce, Manu Ginobili, Kevin Johnson, Tom Chambers, Deron Williams, Gus Johnson, CJ McCollum

Pick 250: Houston Rockets (John): Andrew Toney

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star

Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady, Grant Hill, Lenny Wilkens, Marc Gasol, Drazen Petrovich, Norm Nixon, Zach Randolph

Pick 251: Boston Celtics (Phil): Byron Scott

Stats: 3x NBA Champion

Teammates: Kobe Bryant, Dominique Wilkins, Dikembe Mutombo, Penny Hardaway, Bobby Jones, George McGinnis, Ben Simmons, Dale Ellis

Pick 252: Detroit Pistons (John): Vlade Divac

Stats: 1x All-Star, Hall of Fame

Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed, Luka Doncic, Kyle Lowry, DeMar DeRozan, Mark Jackson, Jermaine O’Neal, Jeff Hornacek

Pick 253: Washington Wizards (Phil): Michael Finley

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star

Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin, Wes Unseld, Chris Bosh, Paul Arizin, Neil Johnston, Lou Hudson, Tyson Chandler

Pick 254: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Lou Williams

Stats: 3x Sixth Man

Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller, Pau Gasol, Blake Griffin, Maurice Cheeks, Karl-Anthony Towns, Terry Porter, Allan Houston

Pick 255: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Andrew Bogut

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive

Teammate: Steph Curry, Rick Barry, Dwight Howard, Tom Heinsohn, Jimmy Butler, Maurice Lucas, Michael Cooper, Donovan Mitchell

Pick 256: Dallas Mavericks (John): Darryl Dawkins

Stats: Good at dunking

Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes, Adrian Dantley, Joel Embiid, Jo Jo White, Glenn Robinson, Mike Conley, Sean Elliot

Pick 257: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Clyde Lovelette

Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, Hall of Fame

Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier, Pete Maravich, Nikola Jokic, Jack Twyman, Detlef Schrempf, Mark Aguirre, Ron Harper

Pick 258: Chicago Bulls (John): Brandon Ingram

Stats: 1x All-Star

Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones, Walt Bellamy, Jack Sikma, Jason Terry, Maurice Stokes, Louie Dampier

Pick 259: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Lamar Odom

Stats: 2x NBA Champion

Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Bob Lanier, Tim Hardaway Sr., Chet Walker, Andre Igoudala, Sam Cassell, DeAndre Jordan

Pick 260: Brooklyn Nets (John): Terrell Brandon

Stats: 2x All-Star

Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton, David Thompson, Connie Hawkins, Paul Westphal, Rudy Gobert, Mookie Blaylock, Dan Majerle

Pick 261: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Cedric Maxwell

Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP

Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Artis Gilmore, Mitch Richmond, Bailey Howell, Rolando Blackman, Joakim Noah, Norm Van Lier

Pick 262: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Wayne Embry

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, Hall of Fame

Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan, Hal Greer, Jerry Lucas, Jamaal Wilkes, Cliff Hagan, Jamal Crawford, Zelmo Beaty

Pick 263: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): George Yardley

Stats: 6x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame

Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton, Tiny Archibald, Dolph Schayes, Bradley Beal, Elton Brand, World B. Free, Marcus Camby

Pick 264: Atlanta Hawks (John): Nikola Vucevic

Stats: 2x All-Star

Teammates: Dwyane Wade, Anthony Davis, Chris Webber, Chauncey Billups, Brandon Roy, John Wall, Horace Grant, Khris Middleton

Pick 265: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Trae Young

Stats: 1x All-Star

Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit, Derrick Rose, Bill Sharman, Ben Wallace, Vern Mikkelsen, Jayson Tatum, Bob Love

Pick 266: Orland Magic (John): Bruce Bowen

Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 8x All-Defensive

Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden, Carmelo Anthony, Dave DeBusschere, Ralph Sampson, Gilbert Arenas, Buck Williams, Tayshaun Prince

Pick 267: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Dick Van Arsdale

Stats: 3x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive

Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale, Kyrie Irving, Sindney Moncrief, Arvydas Sabonis, Rajon Rondo, Mel Daniels, Devin Booker

Pick 268: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Doug Collins

Stats: 4x All-Star

Teammates: Isiah Thomas, Scottie Pippen, Nate Thurmond, Joe Dumars, Bill Laimbeer, Rasheed Wallace, Micheal Ray Richardson, Ron Artest

Pick 269: New York Knicks (Phil): Antoine Walker

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star

Teammates: Giannis, Steve Nash, Klay Thompson, Paul George, Brad Daugherty, Ed Macauley, Kiki Vandeweghe, Calvin Murphy

Pick 270: San Antonio Spurs (John): Jerry Stackhouse

Stats: 2x All-Star

Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin, Amar’e Stoudemire, Marques Johnson, Antawn Jamison, Andre Miller, Charles Oakley

Round 10: God There’s Still 6 More of these

Pick 271: San Antonio Spurs (John): Mychal Thompson

Stats: 2x NBA Champion

Teammates: See round 9

Pick 272: New York Knicks (Phil): Anthony Mason

Stats: 1x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive

Pick 273: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Dick Barnett

Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star

Pick 274: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Stats: 2x All-Star

Pick 275: Orlando Magic (John): Derrick Coleman

Stats: 1x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1990-91 ROY

Pick 276: Oklahoma City (Phil): Richard Jefferson

Stats: 1x NBA Champion

Pick 277: Atlanta Hawks (John): Shareef Abdur-Rahim

Stats: 1x All-Star

Pick 278: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Steve Francis

Stats: 3x All-Star, 1999-2000 ROY

Pick 279: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Doc Rivers

Stats: 1x All-Star

Pick 280: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Zach LaVine

Stats: 1x All-Star

Pick 281: Brooklyn Nets (John): Al Jefferson

Stats: 1x All-NBA

Pick 282: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Steve Smith

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star

Pick 283: Chicago Bulls (John): Brook Lopez

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive

Pick 284: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Reggie Theus

Stats: 2x All-Star

Pick 285: Dallas Mavericks (John): Kenny Smith

Stats: 2x NBA Champion

Pick 286: Golden State Warriors (Phil): John Drew

Stats: 2x All-Star

Pick 287: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Paul Millsap

Stats: 4x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive

Pick 288: Washington Wizards (Phil): Mike Bibby

Stats: Almost beat the All-Jordan Team by himself

Pick 289: Detroit Pistons (John): Victor Oladipo

Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive

Pick 290: Boston Celtics (Phil): Otis Thorpe

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star

Pick 291: Houston Rockets (John): Serge Ibaka

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Defensive

Pick 292: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Kelly Tripucka

Stats: 2x All-Star

Pick 293: Minnesota Timberwolves (John): Xavier McDaniel

Stats: 1x All-Star

Pick 294: Phoenix Suns (Phil): A.C. Green

Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive, Virgin

Pick 295: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Kenny Anderson

Stats: 1x All-Star

Pick 296: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Andrei Kirilenko

Stats: 1x All-Star, 3x All-Defensive

Pick 297: Utah Jazz (John): David Lee

Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA

Pick 298: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Hersey Hawkins

Stats: 1x All-Star

Pick 299: Miami Heat (John): Jerry Sloan

Stats: 2x All-Star, 6x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame

Pick 300: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Antonio McDyess

Stats: 1x All-Star, 1x All-NBA

Every NBA Team’s Best Buddy Cop Partnerships

Buddy cop movies are a staple of Hollywood for the last 40 years. Ever since Eddie Murphy teamed up with Nick Nolte in 48 Hours in 1982 there have been hundreds of takes on the buddy cop dynamic. Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Bad Boys, and even Zootopia (yes Disney got in on the buddy cop game) are some of the most beloved and commercially successful movies of all-time. The key to a great buddy cop duo is that they have to be wildly different personalities. The old curmudgeon paired with the young, slightly insane wildcard (Danny Glover and Mel Gibson), or the action hero alongside the average donut eating family-man (Bruce Willis and Reginald VelJohnson), or the playboy and the wisecracking sidekick (Will Smith and Martin Lawrence). Much like an NBA team, a buddy cop film is only as good as it’s leads. This exercise isn’t just about identifying the two best players on each team and trying to pigeon hole them into a role, but finding the best pair of teammates that would drive an exciting, thoughtful, and most importantly funny cop movie with as wild a plot as possible. Also there’s no copaganda going on here or in the NBA so this list will feature a whole lot of bad cops or at least cops who are bad at their jobs (Mo Bamba).

Atlanta Hawks: John Collins and Trae Young

These two allegedly don’t get along very well, which is a perfect buddy cop movie trope. Trae wants to control the squad but John thinks it is harmful to his image as a “hero cop”. The two figure out their differences and we all find out that it was actually their captain who was the problem the whole time.

Movie title: Young Guns

Boston Celtics: Tacko Fall and Robert Williams

This is my favorite buddy cop movie pairing the NBA has to offer and is the reason why I even wrote this damn thing. This would basically be the movie The Other Guys with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg except Ferrell is 7’5″ and Wahlberg’s nickname is the Time Lord. Tacko and the Time Lord run around Boston solving crimes across time hanging out with the like of Paul Revere, Samuel Adams, and Ted Williams while trying to prove that they are indeed good timecops.

Movie title: Tacko and the Time Lord

Brooklyn Nets: James Harden and Blake Griffin

An indie movie adapted from a play that takes place entirely inside a strip club. Two undercover cops stake out the strip club to find out who kidnapped Kyrie Irving for his birthday? Harden goes full Serpico and is downing day-old strip club hot dogs left and right while Blake Griffin reveals the whole thing was a prank on some online pranksters (I don’t care if that’s already a show he’s hosting).

Movie title: Snake and Blake

Charlotte Hornets: LaMelo Ball and Gordon Hayward

LaMelo is the young hotshot while Hayward the grizzled vet who don’t get along at first, but then bond after they both go through traumatic ankle injuries.

Movie title: Ankle Breakers

Chicago Bulls: Zach LaVine and Coby White

We all know the Bulls are back, but how did they get back? A story of redemption as we follow two young misfits and their incredible journey to finally breakout and be the most mediocre cops they can be.

Movie title: BAB: Bulls Are Back

Cleveland Cavaliers: Collin Sexton and Darius Garland

A simple tale of two hotshot ’70s disco/sex cops who sex it up in…Cleveland, Ohio. At least they have a bangin’ theme song.

Movie title: Sexland

Dallas Mavericks: Luka Doncic and Boban Marjanovic

A gritty European noir film sees Luka and Boban infiltrate a Eastern European drug cartel and find out there is indeed trouble in the Balkans! Little does Luka know his beloved partner Bobi is actually his assassin character from John Wick 3 and is working for our Balkan kingpin. Oh baby but then the real twist is Luka is John Wicks long lost son, Luka DonWick, and he goes full Keanu on everyone’s asses.

Movie title: Luka DonWick

Denver Nuggets: Bol Bol and Facundo Campazzo

Bol Bol is 7’2″ and Facundo is 5’10”. This movie writes itself. It’s Twins but they’re cops.

Movie title: Twin Cops

Detroit Pistons: Killian Hayes and Sekou Doumbouya

What if the French Connection took place in Detroit? The two young frenchmen have not played well at all for the Pistons, but hey was Popeye Doyle actually a good cop?

Movie title: The French Connection 2: Motor City Madness

Golden State Warriors: Draymond Green and James Wiseman

Just two hours of Draymond yelling at Wiseman until Wiseman breaks bad and leaves Draymond for dead with a gang of players the Warriors beat for their three championships led by LeBron James in a reverse Training Day situation.

Movie title: The Wise Man

Houston Rockets: Kenyon Martin Jr. and Kevin Porter Jr.

Both of their dads were (somewhat) controversial cops and now they’re on the force to restore the family name. The problem is, they’re assholes too (kind of).

Movie title: Jr. Force

Indiana Pacers: Domantas Sabonis and Myles Turner

They’re the poster boys for being an good not great cop. They don’t kill any unarmed people which is nice but they also don’t prevent or solve any actual crimes.

Movie title: The Poster Boys

Los Angeles Clippers: Lou Williams and Patrick Beverly

How many of these can take place in a strip club? This one has it all: Strippers, suspensions, playoff collapses, and a whole lot of chicken wings.

Movie title: Magic City

Los Angeles Lakers: LeBron James and Kyle Kuzma

A legendary cop who is seen as a hero across the country teams up with some douche with bleached blonde hair and somehow dates instagram models even though he kind of sucks. LeBron eventually tires of Kuzma’s antics and being terrible and decides to team up with cartoon characters instead, tough beat for Kuz.

Movie title: Space Jam 3

Memphis Grizzlies: Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson Jr.

Two guys with a lot of J’s in their name (and on the court).

Movie title: J Squad

Miami Heat: Jimmy Butler and Tyler Herro

Very similar to the Lakers pairing of LeBron and Kuzma. In this movie Butler is the veteran cop, perhaps a war hero that works hard but rubs people the wrong way. He’s paired with Herro the young instagram influencer who has a rap song named after him. They team up Miami Vice style to take down Pat Riley’s and his criminal organization only to find out that Riley is just a pawn and it goes all the way to the top of the NBA…Adam Silver!

Movie title: Working Hard and Being the Man

Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis and Thanasis Antetokounmpo

Bad boys but it’s in Greece and the boys are actually pretty nice and they help a lot of people and are generally happy about their lives. Another bangin’ theme song.

Movie title: Nice Greek Boys

Minnesota Timberwolves: Anthony Edwards and Ricky Rubio

It’s like Point Break but if Keanu and Swayze stayed friends the whole time. Edwards is the hotshot athletic FBI agent while Rubio the care-free hippie surfer who may or may not still rob banks, but this time Edwards is just kind of ok with it and they go sky diving together to strengthen their friendship instead of trying to throw Edwards out of a plane without a parachute. Glen Taylor is Gary Busey, not in this movie, just in real life.

Movie title: Point Break 2: Friends Forever

New Orleans Pelicans: Zion Williamson and Lonzo Ball

Two of the best young cops in the city have to take down Lonzo’s dad when they find out he built and empire on making counterfeit shoes.

Movie title: Big Baller Boys

New York Knicks: Julius Randle and Derrick Rose

In the vein of Die Hard with a Vengeance, Randle and Rose team up and run around NYC to stop evil James Dolan from destroying the Knicks.

Movie title: Die Hard and Ban Dolan

Oklahoma City Thunder: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Lu Dort

As two of the best Canadian NBA players, Shai and Dort are called back to the motherland when all of the Mounties vanish leaving Niagara Falls unprotected. Shai and Dort save Canada from tourists in a climax that sees Dort defending Canada by flailing his hands in everyone’s face to distract them while Shai sends them over the falls in a giant barrel.

Movie title: Canadian Thunder

Orlando Magic: Markelle Fultz and Mo Bamba

Two once heralded cops are down on their luck after flunking out of the police academy. Can they regain their respect and restore order in a backwards southern town?

Movie title: Bamba Number 5

Philadelphia 76ers: Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons

The whole premise revolves around a young up and coming cop who refuses to shoot, ever (Ben Simmons, Obviously). His partner (Embiid) is kind of an asshole and always getting them into trouble, but Simmons has his own way of dealing with bad guys. Instead of shooting them he gets really into Kung-Fu and kicks the shit out of the rest of the league.

Movie title: The Process Kicks Ass

Phoenix Suns: Chris Paul and Devin Booker

One cop is on his last chance to really make a difference why the other is on his way to superstardom. Can they figure out their chemistry issues before the evil Lakers take over and destroy them before they can figure out how to bring peace to Phoenix for the first time in more than a decade?

Movie title: Phoenix Rising

Portland Trail Blazers: Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum

The exact opposite of the 76ers, Dame and CJ just spend two hours shooting everyone and everything in their line of sight. It’s really problematic, probably funded by Ted Cruz.

Movie title: The Second Amendment

Sacramento Kings: Hassan Whiteside and Marvin Bagley III

Two of the most overrated cops on the force just won’t stop complaining about their jobs so much that their dads have to step in and complain about their jobs some more. Probably not going to make a lot of money.

Movie title: Daddy’s Boys

San Antonio Spurs: DeMar DeRozan and Patty Mills

Not much to say about it, pretty boring but gets the job done. Basically the Other Guys but instead of Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg it’s like Josh Duhamel and Beck Bennett.

Movie title: The Normal Guys

Toronto Raptors: Fred VanVleet and OG Anunoby

A new age Homes and Watson terrorize Toronto in search of Serge Ibaka’s scarves that he left behind. No Dunks’ podcasters J.E. Skeets and Tas Melas help out along the way until they find their arch nemesis: No Dunks producer Jason (J.D.) Doyle, who is discovered to be a descendant of Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes. J.D. sends Fred and OG a cease and desist letter to stop using the Sherlock Holmes trademark and drags them into an endless court case that for whatever reason the two Raptors don’t give up immediately. They eventually agree to call themselves Tango and Cash so J.D. leaves them alone and all is right with the world.

Movie title: Tango and Cash

Utah Jazz: Rudy Gobert and Joe Ingles

Basically Lethal Weapon if Murtaugh was more of a dick and French (same thing) and Riggs was actually a helpful cop who makes the squad better. They have to discover what or who actually started the COVID pandemic and was it an inside job?

Movie title: Lethal Weapon 5?: Global Outbreak

Washington Wizards: Russell Westbrook and Robin Lopez

Somebody is beating the shit out of mascots all across the city. Two cops have 72 hours to find the criminal before he assaults again. But what happens when Russell Westbrook finds out that his partner is the key suspect in this horrifying case?

Movie title: The Silence of the Mascots

20 Movie Villains Ranked By Kinkiness

Movies are only as good as their villain and most movie villains are after one thing and one thing only… they want to fuck. You may have never thought about this before but movie villains need to bang too, they’re just normal humans (mostly) with sexual desires. Some villains are into some weird shit, while others are more conventional in the bedroom, while some aren’t even looking for anything from their victims except for a swift and unsexy death. And hey man, do what you wanna do, there’s no kink shamming going on here, except for you Armie Hammer, you’re a real guy and seemingly a real big piece of shit, but for out villains we don’t get to tell them how to love. Without further ado here’s 20 famous movie villains rated by kinkiness because this is what the world needs to read right now.

20.) Michael Myers

Michael Myers GIFs | Tenor

While he is a very hands on and dedicated stalker, I’m pretty sure this guy does not fuck.

Kink Rating: 0/10

19.) The Terminator

Terminator arnold schwarzenegger the terminator GIF on GIFER - by Morg

Dude gets dropped off on Earth butt naked with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body (minus the shriveled roid penis, because he’s probably got a giant robot dong) and the first thing he does is beat up some guys for his clothes? Dude you’re in LA naked 1984 Arnold can do anything he wants, and all you want to do is kill Sarah Connor? That’s just boring man do better. This is for killing Bill Paxton you bitch.

Kink Rating: 1/10

18.) Thanos

Thanos Marvel GIF - Thanos Thano Marvel - Discover & Share GIFs

The busiest guy in the universe doesn’t have time to get busy with any of his conquests after a long day of killing half the people in the universe, that’s why he’s just got a bunch of adopted children. He could use the Infinity Stones for literally any freaky shit he wants, but instead snaps his fingers like he’s in a Lil Jon music video, and then goes to hangout alone on some shitty planet and farm some soybeans. Thanos doesn’t fuck and he really doesn’t want you to either.

Kink Rating: 1.5/10

17.) Anton Chigurh

1 anton chigurh no country for old men GIF on GIFER - by Kezil

The coin flip definitely gets the blood flowing in his loins and he loves choking dudes out as you can see above, but It’s just part of the job. Serial killer Anton has about as much sexual energy as John Ford in his high school senior pictures with a not too dissimilar haircut and absolute evil in their cold dead eyes.

Kink Rating: 2/10

16.) Shooter McGavin

Mcgavin GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

Golf is notably one of the least sexy sports full of impotent, middle aged white men who masquerade as athletes and Shooter McGavin is the embodiment of the worst of white country club America. He’s a notable Yacht Rock guy who hates rock concerts, but does watch those people fucking in the woods for way too long. If you include bad place Shooter (which I do not) then you could argue for him to be higher on the list. Bad place shooter is a sex machine who sucks tongue with Happy’s grandma, the KISS guy, and Julie Bowen. He does eat pieces of shit for breakfast so you know there’s a sexual deviant in there somewhere. Normal Shooter is the equivalent of Phil Mickelson, while bad place Shooter is 2008 Tiger Woods just smashing prostitutes and waitresses all over the country.

Kink Rating: 3/10

15.) The Shark from Jaws

Robert Shaws GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

I mean he just kind of lies there and stares at you with those lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes and makes you do all the work. That being said Bruce is a biter and will put literally anything in his mouth at least once, nice. Overall though he may be a little too overbearing and is constantly forgetting the safe word, you can’t be too violent if you want to keep fucking all over the sea, otherwise you get blown up by Amity’s daddy Roy Scheider.

Kink Rating: 5/10

14.) Dr. Evil

Dr Evil Hug GIFs | Tenor

My guy just wants to be loved but those crazy Belgians fucked little Dougie up. Dr. Evil clones himself and enters into some weird father/son relationship with mini-me, gets freaky with that crazy lady who is his concubine? His wife? Some lady who works for him? I don’t know and I don’t want to. But most of all Dr. Evil just wants Scott to respect him and carry on the Evil name which is a noble quest for a time travelling megalomaniac. Dr. Evil also goes on Jerry Springer at one point which ups the kink factor of any movie villain by like 8%.

Kink Rating: 5/10

13.) Scar

Scar GIFs | Tenor

Scar is a tragic bitch surrounded by a harem of subservient hyenas who will do anything for him. The thing is Scar doesn’t get it up for the playboy lifestyle, instead what gets him going is the thought of murdering his own brother and having his gang mutilate his nephew while fucking his sister-in-law. Scar made evil-sexy Hamlet cool before Rick Dalton was ever even cast in Lancer. Scar loves to play with his victims and is basically the Buffalo Bill of the Serengeti. You can absolutely see him in his little room on pride rock dancing in front of a mirror with his big lion balls tucked between his legs saying would you fuck me, I’d fuck me while making Zazu rub lotion on his feathers in his weird little ribcage prison.

Kink Rating: 6/10

12.) Captain Hook

You have lions in your heart

This is where we veer into some really problematic kinks for the first time in this post. If you didn’t notice, Captain Hook is a straight up pedophile. We’re talking especially about Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal of the swashbuckler in the movie Hook. One, he’s obsessed with small children, particularly teenage boys, first Peter Pan, then his son Jack. He grooms Jack to get back at Robin Williams for not loving him enough and eventually leaving Neverland, which is fucked up. He dresses the kid up in full wig, fancy pirate coats, and other stuff and it’s pretty fucking weird. He then has the thing with the crocodile and the clock, and seems to get half a chub when he stabs Rufio, another child, and tries to kill a whole band of orphans. Julia Roberts is in this movie and can’t even get Hook to call her back. Bad form James, bad form.

Kink Rating: a problematic 6/10

11.) Billy Loomis

Billy loomis GIF - Find on GIFER

Poor Billy Loomis is just your normal teenager who needs to fuck, and when he doesn’t he murders half the town. Seems like poor self awareness on his behalf to start dating known good girl Sidney Prescott. Also dude is obsessed with Sid and also killed her mom cuz she fucked his dad, big time mommy issues for young William. You have to admire the commitment though, trying to kill his girlfriend several times while he’s also trying to bang her, then playing stabby stab with his buddy Stu (who he’s def gone to second base with while taking turn licking the blood off their practice stab wounds). Billy Loomis is the ultimate fuckboy who just wants to penetrate stuff no matter the cost.

Kink Rating: 6/10

10.) Sauron

Best Eye Of Sauron GIFs | Gfycat

Fucking stalk much, Jesus Sauron get a fucking hobby for Christ’s sake. All he does is sit in his very phalic tower and watches people for 3,000 years. The ultimate voyeur also tries to lure people into loving him by giving them a sexy little ring which binds (nice) people to his will. He even tries to share power with other penis tower enthusiast Saruman who the number two resident peeping Tom of Middle Earth.

Kink Rating: 6/10

9.) The Alien from Alien

Alien's 'chestburster' scene is timeless - GIF on Imgur

A couple of things about the Alien: It latches onto your face and pumps its eggs down your throat, nice. While it’s face fucking you it also chokes the shit out of you, then without warning comes busting right the fuck out of your chest and sprays blood everywhere. Also it has nothing to do with the Xenomorph, but the android if filled with semen which is notable. Also in space no one can hear you scream sounds like the intro to a bad porno, and happens to be the tagline fo this movie. In conclusion the alien is just into autoerotic asphyxiation and is a classic exhibitionist.

Kink Rating: 7/10

8.) Amy Dunne

Amy Dunne - GIF on Imgur

Not only cucks the shit out of the ultimate sub, Ben Affleck, but makes all of America her bitch as well. She literally slashes NPH’s throat while fucking him, drives home to beta Affleck, he knows she killed NPH and set him up, and she still gets him to get her pregnant, that’s some ultimate dominant shit right there. She’d rather spend the rest of her life and have a kid with Affleck, a man she despises than go live out her life in the Puget Sound painting ducks in her screened in porch. 10/10 guys would marry the shit out of Amy Dunne even knowing that they would eventually either get brutally murdered or framed for a murder/kidnapping because they know that the shower sex afterwards would be next level.

Kink Rating: 7.5/10

7.) Jafar

Jafar GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

Oh yea you know Jafar fucks. He’s the evil animated Elton John of the Disneyverse. He has a giant snake staff that gets hard and soft throughout the movie, and the first thing he does when he gains power is make Jasmine his sex slave, then becomes a sex slave as a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub him the right way.

Kink Rating: 7.5/10

6.) Hans Gruber

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Gruber basically invented terrorism by ASMR and had a knack for flirting his way into the hearts of his hostages especially his cocaine fantasy boytoy Ellis. Hans and John McClane have intense sexual chemistry during the whole movie and Hans can’t get enough of the cowboy role play throughout their cat and mouse chase. You see Hans’ oh face when he gets dropped off of Nakatomi Plaza because the thought of falling 1,000 feet to his death turns him all the way the fuck on.

Kink Rating: 8/10

5.) Freddie Krueger

the first c o r r u p t e d — 25 gifs of Freddy Krueger; a mix of the  1984/2010...

A Nightmare on Elm Street is essentially just one big psychosexual Freudian story about a dude who gets off from watching teens banging and sleeping. I mean my guy literally fingers them to death in their sleep, fucking freshman move Fredo, get a hobby.

Kink Rating: 8/10

4.) Hans Landa

Hans Landa GIFs | Tenor

Hans Landa is a naughty little evil piece of shit isn’t he, what a scamp. Here are some of the kinky things he does throughout Inglourious Basterds:

  • Flirts with Perrier LaPadite over a cheeky glass of milk while puffing on that big-ass pipe knowing full well he’s about to gun down some kids
  • Lets Shoshanna go even though he could have shot her with his puny little Nazi gun
  • Whole lot of cream talk at the meeting with the ultimate cuck Joeseph Goebbels
  • Sniffs the shit out of that autographed napkin
  • Flirts with Brad Pitt in broken Italian
  • Cinderella’s Bridget von Hammersmark and then chokes the shit out of her
  • Relishes in sexual tension the whole movie
  • Gets headbutted by Brad Pitt wearing a hood, likes it
  • Nicknames Ryan from The Office the little man
  • Writhes in pain? pleasure? while Brad Pitt carves a swastika into his fucking face, definitely likes it

Hans Landa, horny little possum man.

Kink Rating: 8.5/10

3.) The Joker

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To be clear this is specifically Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight. Jack Nicholson’s Joker is a fuckboy, but Joaqin Phoenix’s is a sad virgin man and we don’t speak about Jared Leto’s Joker in this household. Ledger’s Joker has the most chaotic sexual energy of anyone all-time real or fake. He loves getting punched in the face repeatedly by a big strong guy in a gimp suit. He plays constant sexual mind games with Bruce Wayne and even lets Bruce tie him up and hang him upside down. And above all else I think he is truly in love with Batman, what if the Dark Knight was really a romance the entire time?

Kink Rating 9/10

2.) Hannibal Lecter

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Look at this little flirt, just asking Jodie Foster to get closer to his cell, you frisky monster you. Dr. Lecter is the inspiration for real life monster Armie Hammer who all the way sucks. Some would argue that Buffalo Bill is the true kink-master, which does make sense with all the mirror dancing, the it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again mumbo jumbo, keeping women in wells, it makes sense. My argument is two fold: first Buffalo Bill isn’t the real villain in The Silence of the Lambs so we don’t care about him, secondly big guy is just trying to figure out who he is and wants to experiment, Lecter knows exactly who he is, a psycho who gets off by eating people with some second tier beans and a shitty wine.

Kink Rating: 9.5/10

1.) Darth Vader

choking episode 4 GIF by Star Wars

I mean obviously, Vader is Anakin Skywalker, a sexy sensitive guy from Tatooine. Starting off in the prequels Anakin has some real mommy issues and is def trying to slide into Padme’s royal panties at the ripe old age of nine. I mean he calls her an angel before he goes through puberty, you knew this kid was gonna get up to some shit when he got older. After he becomes Vader he also walks around the galaxy choking people while essentially wearing a gimp suit and stabbing them with a large light up dildo, that’s a kinky cry for help if I’ve ever seen one. He has a steamy showdown with Obi Wan and you wonder what happened between them 30 years prior when they were alone together in the vastness of space. Vader loves power but also gets off being the obedient servant of a shriveled penis man named Sheev. Dude was probably just trying to get freaky in in a galaxy far far away, did anyone ever even ask? No they just shot at him like a bunch of assholes. Stupid rebels.

Kink Rating: 10/10

If we’ve learned anything from this exercise it’s that people in movies are evil primarily because they need to fuck and get into some weird shit. So next time you watch a movie and there’s a horrible villain doing some truly evil shit just think for once what they’re going through, and if they’re getting any and allow them to let their freak flags fly proudly while they kill the shit out of some innocent people.

Which Kurt Russell Characters can Dunk?

Kurt Russell, you know him, you love him, you either want to be him or want him to be your dad. But more importantly can he, and most specifically, can the characters he plays dunk? Russell’s career has spanned more than 50 years and he’s played everything from a teenage computer to some of the most famous people in American history to an entire fucking planet. My guy’s got range, but how high can that range jump? The easy answer to my question would be no, Kurt Russell definitely can’t dunk. Listed at somewhere around 5’11” which gives an average standing reach of about 7’4″ he would need a vertical of 32 inches just to touch the rim. Given that most people need to jump about six inches over the rim to actually dunk the basketball, our guy Kurt would need a vertical of no less than 38 inches in order to dunk, which means he would need the athletic ability of a young six-foot NBA superstar Chris Paul. Lets take a look at some of his most iconic roles and ask the question everyone wants to know the answer to: which Kurt Russell characters can dunk?

Elvis, Elvis

A couple of mitigating factors here in determining if Kurt Russell Elvis can dunk. First, Elvis was about the same height as Russell, somewhere around 5’11” to six-feet. Young Elvis was an athlete and played football while growing up. Lastly the TV movie Elvis doesn’t depict the last several years of Elvis’ life, the fat Elvis years. That being said, there’s no fucking way Kurt Russell Elvis could dunk wearing those cooky outfits while loading up on peanut butter and banana sandwiches, dues gonna puke at the rim and the ball will slip harmlessly out of his hands.

Can Elvis Dunk: No

Snake Plissken, Escape From New York and Escape from LA

We already know that Snake Plissken is the greatest basketball player on the face of the Earth.

He’s got the clutch gene, saving the world and shit, and there’s no doubt in my mind that when the guards go home and he’s just messing around without the weight of the world on his broad shoulders, he could absolutely throws down a wicked tomahawk 360 in the Duke of New York’s face.

Can Snake Plissken dunk: Hell yea

MacReady, The Thing

No chance in hell MacReady is even attempting a dunk when it’s -60 degrees in Antartica and he’s drunk as hell.

Can MacReady Dunk: No, too cold

Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China

Jack Burton definitely thinks he can dunk among other things. Supreme confidence goes a long way in actually making it happen. Jack Burton is a master at manifestation. Watch the movie and you’ll see a man with raw athleticism, who is jumping around beating the shit out of 1,000 year old Chinese thunder gods. It’s all in the reflexes. Plus old Jack Burton takes some magic potion to make him invincible, my guy can really shake the pillars of hell, or the backboard on a giant alley-oop.

Can Jack Burton Dunk: Yes sir, the check is in the mail

Lt. Cash, Tango & Cash

Lt. Cash is far more interested in other things than getting in the gym every day to get those legs in dunking shape.

Can Cash Dunk: No

The McCaffreys, Backdraft

Both dead papa and angry brother McCaffrey that Russell confusingly plays were firefighters through and through. They def and daddy son firehouse squat circuit training every day and it would have made a great montage. These dudes kicked the strongest Baldwin’s ass in a win for “real” men everywhere. Somehow hauling hoses across Chicago seems to be the perfect workout in order to be able to dunk.

Can the McCaffreys Dunk: Duh, firefighters kick ass (except you Jack Robinson)

Captain Ron, Captain Ron

Captain Ron has absolutely no idea where he is at any given time and has never touched a basketball in his life. He’s going to fall off his boat before he ever dunks a basketball. Also the eye patch is going to throw off his depth perception.

Can Captain Ron dunk: No

Wyatt Earp, Tombstone

Wyatt Earp is a living legend in Tombstone. The people of the titular city were probably ready to rename it Earpstone, Wyatt Town? Earptopia? whatever a la Tompa Bay after Brady arrived in your grandparents retirement community last year. Earp Dunks all over fat Billy Bob Thorton early in the movie, but to actually dunk a basketball, in the Wild West? With Those hats and coats? Tough gig for the Earp boys. When he gets stuffed by the rim on the first attempt he’s absolutely yelling this at an inanimate object on a desert basketball court as a tumbleweed blows by.

He’s basically the Chris Paul of the Wild West but that Cliff Paul mustache is going to keep him from throwing down a sick jam 100/100 times.

Can Wyatt Earp Dunk: No, but everyone believes he can anyways

Doucebag army guy, Stargate

Like ’90s firefighters, ’90s army bros are notorious for being yoked. He’s definitely sitting in his barracks watching James Spader sleep while doing 5,000 squats in the middle of the night mumbling something like “science bitch” under his breath without breaking eye contact. If he grew up in the Youtube era, when they opened the Stargate, Russell would have his buddy hold up a tiny basketball hoop so Russell could simultaneously dunk on and through the Stargate, and Spader by proxy.

Can Army Russell dunk: Sir yes Sir

Herb Brooks, Miracle

Herb Brooks was a 5’10” hockey player from Minnesota who was born in 1937. While he doesn’t have enough talent to dunk on talent alone, I do know for a fact that he will stand under that rim and jump again and again and again until god dammit he dunks the ball, preferably against the Russians, while he calls himself a candy ass between each try.

Can Herb Brooks dunk: No, but in the most inspiring way possible

The Commander, Sky High

Yea no shit he’s the world’s most powerful superhero.

Can The Commander dunk: Yes, in the most boring Superman way

Stuntman Mike, Deathproof

He himself as a human male cannot dunk a basketball. But as an Evel Knievel stuntman he’s def driving his car off a huge jump at a basketball halftime show and dunking the ball out of the drivers window before crashing into the first 17 rows killing 300 people in the process.

Can Stuntman Mike dunk: No and we should never ask him to.

John Ruth, The Hateful Eight

Kind of a mix between MacReady and Wyatt Earp, John Ruth can’t dunk for a few reasons. One, nobody in history could dunk before 1900, that’s a fact, don’t bother looking it up. Two, the snow is too damn deep. Have you ever tried jumping in snow with all those layers on? Michael Jordan couldn’t jump over a phone book in a giant bearskin coat and moleskin boots. Lastly, he’s gotta hold onto Jennifer Jason Leigh, can’t try to one hand that shit if you’re holding hostages.

Can John Ruth dunk: No

Ego, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

As a full on planet technically he’s dunking when everyone else is, so yea he’s a god damn planet.

Can Ego dunk: Yes

Santa, The Christmas Chronicles 1&2

Couple of things: Santa is an old fat guy so right away you assume he can’t dunk. On the flip side, he’s a magic enthusiast who has flying reindeer and can get around the globe in a single night so perhaps getting to the rim isn’t the biggest task in the world. And Kurt Russell is a hot, seemingly cool Santa, Tim Allen getting fat and old he is not. With his magic there’s no question that Santa could be the starting power forward on the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Can Santa dunk: Yes

Ranking The 20 Best Movies I watched during Quarantine

Four months after lockdown began here in the United Kingdom, my quarantine is finally ending. Pubs, restaurants, and almost all other non-essential businesses opened on of all days the Fourth of July (happy birthday me!). Since then I’m also back to work so my nearly four month break is officially over.

During the quarantine I passed the time with a few activities like running, reading, a whole lot of and definitely too much drinking, and especially watching movies. When the pandemic hit and we knew we would be inside for a long time, Jenny and I made a list of movies we’ve never seen that we’ve always wanted to watch. We buzzed through a lot of them together, but I took my unlimited free time while she still did some work from home to watch a ton of movies on my own. I tried to finally watch some of the all-time great movies that have somehow eluded me for 29 years. While that was definitely the focus, the path took some twists and turns into a few straight weeks of action movies, some recently released movies, bad ’90s movies (shout out to Fear), and a few dozen insanely bad movies, many of which I already wrote about. A quick update to that post, Artemis Fowl is the worst movie ever made, thank god for whiskey.

This post however is about the great movies I watched during quarantine. All of the movies on the list are films I watched for the very first time over the last four months. I tried to pick the actual best movies but my heart got in the way so several movies on the list are objectively not that great, but love is love so sue me. Before I rank the top 20, I wanted shout out some honorable mentions that I really enjoyed. Shouts to (in no particular order) Escape from New York, Coco, The Third Man, A Clockwork Orange, The Hunt for Red October, True Romance, and especially Training Day.

20.) The Bad Boys + John Wick Series’

I couldn’t make this list without my guys John Wick, Mike Lowrey, and Marcus Burnett. I gave six movies the ceremonial last spot because I couldn’t choose between any of these masterpieces, and also none of the Bad Boys or John Wick movies are actually really good. Bad Boys is the quintessential ’90s pop action movie directed by good-bad-awesome movie god Michael fucking Bay. It is nothing but Will Smith looking cool, Martin Lawrence shouting one-liners, and things exploding in the background, and it fucking rules. Bad Boys is one of those movies like an Independence Day or Armageddon where you know it’s not going to win any oscars, but you don’t care because it kicks ass. Even the second and third installments somehow keep the energy up and surprisingly hold up even 25 years after the original. Gun to my head and I have to rank the Bad Boys movies (that would be a wild scenario) it would be 2, 1, 3.

John Wick on the other hand is a very different type of action franchise. It’s much darker and most of the action is insane fight choreography instead of big ass explosions. The immortal Keanu Reeves somehow sells it as the best assassin in the world out for blood. I would say John Wick is objectively a better movie series than Bad Boys because Michael Bay had nothing to do with it, and it’s less bombastic. If Juan Wick himself Shea Serrano ever tracks me down for ranking his beloved assassin so low and held a gun to my head, I would rank them 2,1,3 just like Bad Boys.

19.) Tombstone

The casting director of Tombstone (sup Lora Kennedy) must be a time-traveller, gone to 2013, found 21-year-old Phil drunk in Dinkytown at the University of Minnesota (I hope it wasn’t Burrito Loco), asked me who my favorite ’90s actors were, gone back to 1993, and cast the movie because everyone I’ve ever loved is in this movie that came out when I was 2. We’re talking Kurt Russell, the people’s Batman Val Kilmer, Bill Paxton, and the most precious Billy Zane. That’s the ’27 Yankees of ’90s white male actors that I am the most obsessed with. Who cares if the writing was unspectacular, the acting was stiff, and the pacing was all over the place. Hello, the mustaches were real folks, thats all that needs to be said to shoot Tombstone into the white guy Hall of Fame. Everyone has an idea of when they finally became a man. For some it’s when they have their first beer, their first girlfriend, maybe having a kid, but I know I wasn’t a man until I saw Val Kilmer’s Doc Holliday say “I’m your huckleberry” to Johnny Ringo. Who cares if I was 28-years-old at the time, i was just a child until that very moment.

18.) The Royal Tenenbaums

The Royal Tenenbaums is the most different from any other movie on this list and that’s just the way Wes Anderson would want it. Tenenbaums has all the trappings of an Anderson classic. It features Gene Hackman, Ben Stiller, The Wilson bros, pre-Goop Gwyneth Paltrow, Bill Murray, Danny Glover, and narrated by Alec Baldwin. It’s so quirky, but so god damn lovable. The Tenenbaums are as dysfunctional as it gets with one of them being a failed child playwright (Paltrow), another a flameout tennis star (Luke Wilson), and the other a child prodigy business mogul turned reclusive family man (Stiller), all while their absentee father (Hackman) tries to reconnect with them before he dies. It’s so fucking weird and should make no sense, but everything ties together towards the end and you begin to feel like somehow the Tenenbaums are your family for better or worse.

17.) Raging Bull

Raging Bull is probably my least favorite movie on this list, but that doesn’t make it any less great. Robert De Niro gave one of the greatest performances ever as troubled boxing star Jake LaMotta. One of Scorcese’s best movies, Raging Bull is pretty tough to watch. You essentially just watch this guy destroy his life for two hours, which makes for a great, memorable movie, but not a whole lot of fun.

16.) The Untouchables

When the subject of your movie gets mentioned in California Love, you know you’re doing alright in life. The Untouchables has everything white dads love: Gangsters, a cast of Costner/De Niro/and Connery, lots of violence, and Chicago, white dads love Chicago. This movie launches Costner into his huge run of late ’80s to early ’90s bangers that includes: Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, Dances With Wolves, JFK, and The Bodyguard. That has to be one of the best five year movie runs of all-time. The Untouchables basically boils down to cops blasting a bunch of mob guys like it’s the fucking wild wild west, which needless to say is pretty rad.

15.) The Terminator

The Terminator is one of the most influential movies of the past 50 years. Everyone has referenced The Terminator in their every day lives, even if they don’t realize it. From classic lines like “I’ll be back”, to referencing Skynet, a robot takeover of earth, or any cockamamie time travel plot, The Terminator is a huge part of our everyday lives 36 years later. It is Schwarzenegger’s most iconic role, and was the key to the huge action movie boom of the 1980’s. The Terminator isn’t even the best movie in its own franchise (Terminator 2: Judgement Day) and it’s still one of the greatest action movies ever created. If only we could go back in time and kill whoever decided to keep the series going after Judgement Day.

14.) The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The movie that your dad wanted you to watch with him when you were a teenager, but you forced him to sit through The Dark Knight for the 17th time. Clint Eastwood in a western, what’s not to love.

13.) L.A. Confidential

The first (but not last) movie on the list depicting old-time Los Angeles detectives uncovering big conspiracies. It’s a whose who of ’90s good actors like Kevin Spacey, Russell Crowe, Kim Basinger, Guy Pearce, and Frank Reynolds himself, Danny DeVito. It mixes sleazy cops with violent cops with white knight crusading cops with prostitutes and tabloids and everything there is to love about old(ish) L.A. Not a great look for the LAPD, but the LAPD have never done themselves any favors in real life anyway.

12.) Scarface

I see what’s happening here. I picked all of the movies that every frat bro from the ’90s wont stop telling their now teenage kids about. Scarface is actually as good as your college boyfriend Kyle told you it was a million times. Al Pacino is in it and that’s all you really need for a great movie. The amount of cocaine Tony Montana does in this movie is maybe a tenth of the amount of cocaine Brian De Palma and Oliver Stone were probably on when making Scarface. The Push it To the Limit montage in the middle of the movie is an all-time cheesy ’80s movie montage. Guys moving money, buying a mansion, and getting a fucking tiger, sorry Rocky 3 & 4, this is the ’80s I remember (I was definitely born in 1991).

11.) Dog Day Afternoon

The Corleone boys are back baby. Just a year after Michael had Fredo killed in the Godfather: Part II, the bros are back and better than ever in Dog Day Afternoon. This time Pacino and John Cazale are buddies who decided to rob a bank. Things immediately spiral out of control and the robbery becomes a crazy hostage situation. It also gives us the iconic scene of Pacino going nuts and screaming “Attica, Attica” at the crowd that has formed outside the bank. It’s worth it just for the two hours you get to see of Pacino and Cazale, who is pound for pound the greatest actor who ever lived. The guy was in Godfather 1 and 2, Dog Day Afternoon, The Conversation, and The Deer Hunter before he died of cancer. All five movies he was in in his career were nominated for best picture, and three won the damn thing (The Godfather, The Godfather: Part II, and The Deer Hunter). Oh and he was dating an up and coming actress named Meryl Streep. Cazale is the GOAT.

10.) Alien

In space no one can hear you scream is one of the greatest taglines that’s ever been attached to a movie. Alien didn’t disappoint either as one of the great horror movies of all-time. Space itself is already scary, then you add in some crazy aliens hellbent on eating your face. Alien pushes my theory of don’t trust the British guy in any situation, especially if it’s in space. if the dude you’re working with is British, there’s a 100% chance he’s actually an android your company sent with you to make sure their shady business dealings get done, even if you die in the process. Thank god for Sigourney Weaver, otherwise we would all be doomed.

9.) Heat

If the action is the juice, then Heat has a whole lot of juice. Heat is Michael Mann’s (and every middle aged white dude’s) wet dream. Ageing (but not old) Pacino vs. De Niro is the matchup of the century. Better than Rocky vs. Drago, Frank Dux vs. Chong Li, and way way better than Travolta vs. Cage in Face/Off. The two best male actors of their generation finally squared up on screen and the results are Pacino screaming his little raspy head off saying things like ” give me all you got”, and “she’s got a great ass”, while De Niro sits around reading books about metals. Oh and a bunch of crazy heists, and gun fights, and Val Kilmer with a pony tail, and Natalie Portman for whatever reason. Heat is the basis of the shitty screenplay I keep pitching to Jenny about a guy who takes people out on dates and just sits there quoting Heat to them to the point where they finally leave. He can’t seem to find love because of his love for Pacino talking about overcooked chicken from a movie made 25 years ago. Maybe this screenplay idea is somewhat autobiographical because I’m sure Jenny can only stand so many bad Vincent Hanna impressions. I guess it’s true, “don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner”. She’s definitely going to leave me. Well I guess “I got a wife (girlfriend), we’re passing each other on the down-slope of a marriage (relationship), my third, because I spend all my time chasing guys like you around the block (quoting guys like Pacino and De Niro endlessly), that’s my life.” God she is going to kill me if I keep quoting this fucking movie, “I’m talking to an empty telephone.”

8.) Aliens

Bigger, badder, Bill Paxtoner than Alien. It has all the scary space stuff that Alien had, and added way more guns. Aliens is basically Predator in space. Maybe thats why Alien vs. Predator became a franchise for some reason.

7.) The Fugitive

The Fugitive escaped me for the longest time for one simple reason, my buddy Dave had the dumbest take about The Fugitive that I have ever heard. He claims, and his story has changed over the years, that The Fugitive is not only Harrison Ford’s best movie, but that it made him a bankable star and proved that he could carry a big movie by himself instead of within the confines of a blockbuster series a la Star Wars and Indiana Jones. First of all, shut the hell up Dave. Harrison Ford is/was the most bankable star of his generation. Yes he’s most famous for playing Han Solo and Indy, but he’s at least part of the reason why those movies made so much money in the first place. You also are forgetting movies like Blade Runner, Witness, Working Girl, or Presumed Innocence. All hits to varying degree (or at least classics), and most if not all of that success can be attributed to Harrison fucking Ford. So we’ve established that The Fugitive is far from the movie that made Harrison Ford a bankable star, but that doesn’t mean that t’s not a great movie. It has everything I look for in a movie; hot dad vibes Harrison Ford, a jumbled plot about a guy not killing his wife, and Tommy Lee Jones being a dick. That’s a movie I’ll watch 100 times out of 100. The scene at the dam where Ford tells Tommy Lee he didn’t kill his wife and Tommy Lee says “I don’t care” is one of the greatest movie scenes of all-time, and somehow gets quoted in this house more than anything from Heat. In conclusion, shut up Dave, but you were right that The Fugitive is a great movie.

6.) Psycho

Not the shitty Vince Vaughn/Anne Heche remake, this is the 1960 Alfred Hitchcock original. Psycho is most well known for being the first movie the show a toilet flushing, which is the all-time greatest random movie fact. Psycho was completely ahead of its time. Anthony Perkins turns mild mannered Norman Bates into one of the absolute greatest villains in movie history. He’s so creepy I’m genuinely surprised this movie got made in 1960. Psycho is the culmination of Hitchcock hitting the lottery with a two year run of Vertigo, North By Northwest, and Psycho. That easily could be the best three movie stretch of any director in movie history.

5.) 2001: A Space Odessy

The first real space epic that influenced almost every space movie that has been made in the 50 years since it was released in 1968. Stanley Kubrick was just a really weird fucking guy to have made movies like this, A Clockwork Orange, Dr. Strangelove, The Shining, Eyes Wide Shut, and so on. The man was either doing some elite drugs, or needed a hug. Either way he’s an awesome director who created a masterpiece that will be around until the monolith itself is gone. 2001 gives us some iconic images from amazing filmmaking, to make space look real before we even got to the moon, to HAL 9000 malfunctioning, to the Keir Dullea floating through a black hole. Everything about every Kubric movie gets scrutinized because the man was nuts, and this movie is no different. Even 52 years later people are still arguing what the movie and especially the ending actually means. After watching it I can safely say I have no fucking clue what’s going on, but damn did I think it was pretty cool.

4.) Vertigo

Never in 1,000 years did I ever think Vertigo was going to rank higher than Pyscho on this list. I knew both Hitchcock masterpieces would be incredible, but I’ve always heard that Psycho was his best work and one of the greatest movies ever. Everything about Vertigo is nearly perfect from Jimmy Stewart, to the filmmaking, to the shit fuck crazy storyline that Hitchcock somehow pulls off beautifully. He is the master of suspense and showcases all of his storytelling tricks in Vertigo. It’s about as close to a perfect movie as you can get without quite getting there and should get a little more respect than it does in the pantheon of all-time great movies.

3.) A Few Good Men

Tom Cruise vs. Jack Nicholson in the ultimate white guy dick swinging contest. It’s a guarantee that every white dude between the ages of 30 and 60 have A Few good Men somewhere in their personal top 10. And guess what, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It has one of the all-time climactic scenes with Cruise and Nicholson going back-and-forth with the iconic lines “I want the truth” and “You can’t handle the truth!”. Right after that when Nicholson finally explodes and says “you’re god damn right I did” is one of the most badass things you can say to someone. “Phil did you pee in my underwear drawer again?” “You’re god damn right I did!” What do you do after someone says that? Nothing, you’re done. This movie was perfectly made for an ageing Nicholson. He’s in three scenes, one is in a beautiful location. He gets the most quoted line in the whole movie, and he’s beloved for his character even though Colonel Jessup is a fucking insane jackass who gets people killed for funzies. Tom Cruise swinging a baseball bat is the only unwatchable part of the entire movie.

2.) Chinatown

Oh hey what up Jack Nicholson, fancy seeing you here again. You’re in another great movie, cool. Chinatown mixes everything I love: Los Angeles, Jack Nicholson being a dick, mispronouncing people’s names, and the minutiae of city water politics. Nicholson is in his prime and is just an absolute prick in this movie in the best way possible. He just goes around poking his broken nose around and getting his ass kicked for two hours. Chinatown ends with the classic line “Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown” which is just a perfect way to end this movie. It’s one of the big surprises for me on this list. If you asked me before quarantine to list the movies I would think would be at the top of my list, maybe Chinatown would be there, but likely down at number 15-20, but after watching this masterpiece it is rightfully at number 2. The one know is that it was directed by Roman Polanski who turned into an all-time creep, not great for the reputation, but that doesn’t stop it from being one of the greatest movies of all-time.

1.) There Will Be Blood

This was supposed to be a Boogie Nights blog, instead it became a There Will Be Blood blog. Either way it all lead to Paul Thomas Anderson and one of the greatest movies of the century. For years since it came out, I avoided There Will Be Blood like crazy for… reasons. I assumed it would be overly long, boring, acting instead of actual plot, and so on and other dumb teenage reasons not to like a movie you’ve never seen. Instead what it was was an amazingly striking ballad of what greed can do to people. Daniel Day-Lewis is the best method actor of all time. He wholeheartedly becomes Daniel Plainview, a struggling miner who strikes oil and quickly builds an empire across the American Southwest. Spoiler Alert! Even though this movie came out 13 years ago, so if you complain about spoilers you can fuck right off. The scene at the end where he beats the hell of of the pastor who has been a little bitch to him for the last 30 years is so satisfying. He literally made the guy admit he’s a fraud, then told him he stole all the oil on his land, then murdered him with a fucking bowling pin. Oh and he did this after telling his deaf adopted son to go fuck himself. That’s next level petty, and is one of the reasons why this is one of the greatest movies of all-time.

There it is, a few stats from the list. Al Pacino is in three movies on the list, because Al Pacino is the greatest actor of all-time (shoulda watched Serpico to make it four). If I wasn’t an idiot and actually watched Boogie Nights during my quarantine like I meant to, it would probably be fourth in the rankings. Films on the list range in release date from 1958 (Vertigo) to 2020 (Bad Boys For Life). Quarantine 2020 sucked, but at least these movies made four months stuck in my apartment almost bearable.

Training Day is not for 10-Year-Olds

When I was ten years old my hobbies included: playing outside, riding my bike, dominating Frogger on Playstation, and watching my fair share of TV shows and movies. At the time my favorite movies to rent were typical ten-year-old fare, things like Peter Pan and the Disney Robin Hood, you know, kid stuff. One day my mom decided to go to the movie rental store and picked out a few movies without us (probably because my brother and I picked the same aforementioned movies every time). She came home with the movie Training Day. You know Training Day. It’s the 2001 coming of age story of a young cop (Ethan Hawke) who gets mentored by a kindly veteran Cop (Denzel Washington) and they find friendship and have a few laughs along the way. What could go wrong, it sounds like a perfect movie for a couple of lame ten-year-olds to watch with their mom right?

 

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Training Day is pretty brutal and super gritty. We were tricked because we only knew Denzel as the lovable coach in Remember the Titans so we figured he was a good guy. Little did we know that Denzel could be a dirty LAPD narcotics detective. We got probably about 15 minutes into Training Day when my mom finally realized that this was not going to be an appropriate movie for kids. I think in that span you get about three N-words out of Denzel, lots of violence and swearing, and Ethan Hawke does PCP, not exactly what my mom was probably expecting to see. To be fair I have no idea what she was expecting when she rented it.

This left me scarred for the better part of the last 18 years. I never fully recovered from the first 15 minutes of Training Day. I finally watched Training Day all the way through for the first time this week and I can officially say that 28-year-old Phil likes Training Day a lot more than 10-year-old Phil.

The People’s Spider-Man

Superheroes (and superhero movies) have taken over the world since the start of the new millennium. Batman, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and a revolving door of caped and masked men and women have been ingrained into people’s lives around the world. The one who kicked off this generation’s fascination with the comic book superhero is non-other than your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

We’ve had plenty of iterations of Peter Parker over the course of two decades since the web-slinger swung into theaters in 2002. There’s the cute, lovable, charming Spider-Man Tom Holland. The angsty, troubled, conspiracy Spider-Man in Andrew Garfield, and then there’s the OG, the best of the best, the people’s Spider-Man Tobey Maguire. His portrayal of Spider-Man perfectly meshed the awkwardness and day-to-day struggle of nerd “trying to balance his career and bang Mary Jane” Peter Parker with the heroism and cheeky bravery of Spider-Man. He’s not as handsome as Garfield, and not as funny and lovable as Holland, but that’s what makes Maguire the people’s Spider-Man, he evokes the right charisma and makes you feel the right emotions at precisely the correct time.

Throughout his trilogy, Maguire made you feel like Peter Parker was actually a real person learning he got superpowers from a radioactive spider in real time. Maguire was funny and endearing during his “learning to be Spider-Man” training montage. Learning to shoot his web for the first time will go down in the “intentional comedy made 100 times better by a weird actors line reading” hall of fame.

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The people’s Spider-Man also taught my generation how to kiss upside down hanging from a web, invaluable knowledge for an 11-year-old who thought that type of skill would be a lot more useful in the 18 years since the movie came out.

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Like they do with the people’s Batman Val Kilmer, many fans try to tear Maguire down with outlandish comments about his less than stellar acting in the series, which is a whole lot of bullshit.

He made us fee real feelings and cry real tears while stopping a train with his shear will and determination, as you can see on Maguire’s face during the train scene in Spider-Man 2.

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How else would we know that this act of saving an out of control train could kill Spider-Man if I don’t see that kind of self-sacrifice and determination oozing out of Maguire’s face? If he doesn’t grit his teeth all those people will die. Maguire’s acting was so good he made us believe that he was a jazz loving douchebag for half of Spider-Man 3 just because he combed his hair over half his face and acted like your sisters fiancee Kyle who doesn’t believe in shaking hands and organized sports. Could Olivier do that? Could Brando? I didn’t think so, Maguire had range! He also had to act with James Franco which should be a golden ticket to an Oscar nomination.

It’s been 13 years since Maguire rode off into the sunset after slinging his web one last time. Since then he’s been replaced in our minds with more handsome Peter Parkers, more dashing Spider-Men, but when the class war starts and the uprising begins, it won’t be Holland or Garfield on the tongues of the proletariat, it will be Maguire’s name the people will shout because he is their hope, their savior, their Spider-Man.

It’s Time to Bring Back Slamball

What if I told you there was a sport our that that combines basketball, football, hockey, and adds a bunch of trampolines, would you be interested? Of course you would, welcome to Slamball.

Slamball was founded in 2002 with games regularly airing on Spike TV from 2002-2003. Slamball was fairly popular for. few years, but was all but forgotten about by 2009. It’s time to bring one of the greatest hybrid sports back to life for mass viewing.

The basic premise is pretty simple. It’s essentially played like a basketball game four-on-four with a few major differences. The first and best is that there are four trampolines scattered around each end of the court. These are for dudes to launch and do sick dunks off of which is 99.9 percent of the reason why Slamball is awesome. It is basically real life NBA Jam, but the defenders can hit you. Defenders can check you just like in hockey, and the court is surrounded by boards very similar to a hockey rink.

After a few seasons Slamball eventually faded out of the sports consciousness of Americans, and late found a small level of fame in Australia and the China. Why on Earth would people stop watching such an entertaining and endlessly fun sport. Who doesn’t like huge dunks and big hits? Those are the two best things in any sport. Anyways it has been out of my life long enough, it is finally time to bring back Slamball and make it a mainstream sport in America.

 

The Worst Movies I’ve Watched During Quarantine

For many being quarantined to their homes during the Coronavirus pandemic is an opportunity to better themselves. Millions of people are taking all of this extra free time to learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby, read and even watch those classic movies they’ve always wanted to get around to. For me it’s mostly drinking, reading, complaining, plotting a class uprising, and watching movies. To my credit, some of these movies are great, but there’s nothing quite like wasting your day away with no responsibilities in the world watching an absolutely horrible movie. The following is a list of the ten worst movies that I’ve subjected myself (and Jenny) to during our quarantine.

10. Highlander

This might be the most painful paragraph I’ve ever had to write. To me, Highlander is perfect. Scotland, Katana swords, immortality! A nearly perfect movie on paper. Highlander should have won the Oscar for greatest movie ever made. The only thing wrong with Highlander is the acting is terrible, the writing sounds like a focus group of 12 year olds wrote the screenplay, it makes little to no sense at all, but non of that is what makes Highlander a truly bad movie. You’re telling me that in 1986 you have a script about a Scottish lord who is a badass immortal, swinging swords around and again, being super Scottish, then you call up Sean Connery, one of the most Scottish people of all-time, and instead of having him play your Scottish badass immortal fight god, you cast him as an Egyptian masquerading as a Spaniard and call him Juan Sanchez-Villalobos Ramirez?!?!?! Get the fuck outta here.

9. Caddyshack

Comedies from the late ’70s and early ’80s just do not age well. Caddyshack is a classic and while it has its moments, It totally does not hold up 40 years later. The best part is still Bill Murray fucking around with that Gopher and slowly going insane, but I’d rather just fast-forward through the rest of it.

8. Four Weddings and a Funeral

Four Weddings and a Funeral is just another reason to not trust the fucking British. They give the whole thing away in the title. All you need to know is a group of uninteresting people go to some mediocre weddings throughout the years, one of the random one dies out of nowhere, and Hugh Grant is his normal awkward self. That’s the movie. Hugh Grant had more chemistry with some pigs while at Oxford (allegedly) than he did with Andie MacDowell in this movie. It’s one of those movies where the funny parts aren’t funny and the sad parts aren’t sad, which sums up the Brits to a fucking T.

7. Outbreak

The mid ’90s were a really weird time for a lot of big stars to all gang up in really awful movies. Outbreak’s cast boasts Dustin Hoffman, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey, Donald Sutherland, Cuba Gooding Jr., Rene Russo, and McDreamy himself Patrick Dempsey. Most of those people are Oscar winners, and all of them are or were huge stars at one point, and yet Outbreak sucks. Definitely don’t watch it during the pandemic, especially if you’re in a state or country where you have to ask yourself “would our leader blow up a small town in order to keep the virus from spreading”.If you’re not sure about the answer check out a different movie, and also you should definitely move.

6. While You were Sleeping

While you Were Sleeping is super creepy. Don’t be fooled by America’s Sweetheart Sandra Bullock, she is a psychopath in this movie who just pretends to be some dude in a coma’s girlfriend? Who the fuck does that? She should be locked up for this, not get to bang America’s real sweetheart Bill Pullman. She even goes so far as to almost marry the poor guy. Seriously what the fuck is happening. Just tell everyone you lied so you could get into his room, and then fell in love with Bill Pullman. Who could fault you, its Bill Pullman, America’s greatest president and a B+ Han Solo wannabe. Bill Pullman is too good for this movie.

5. The Fault in our Stars

Why does everyone in teen movies nowadays have to have curated names like Hazel and Augustus? Does anyone named Rick and Jill ever get together anymore? Jesus I sound old, I promise I’m still a vibrant 20something with an exciting life. The Fault in Our Stars also tries really hard to make the word okay really sweet and make you want to cry every time you hear it. Seriously? OK? Fuck off. Also I appreciate Augustus wearing a Rik Smits jersey for a date, but at least get a real jersey for an adult bro, don’t make your mom pick you up a youth XL from Sports Authority.

4. Sixteen Candles

Like I mentioned earlier with Caddyshack, comedies from this era have not aged well and Sixteen Candles might be the best example. It is equal parts racist, sexist, super rapey, and just incredibly boring. Non of the moments that were supposed to be touching were earned at all, and in the end Molly Ringwald gets her guy, but why do we care? It’s not like she liked him and he liked her but something was standing in their way and finally at the end they got together and everything was great. No, All that happens is he finds out she likes him and shows up at her sisters wedding after a party? Maybe it’s just me but thats not cute at all and not worth the build up in any way.

3. After

A few random questions I have about the movie After in no particular order: Why does she like that dude? Is he hot? Why is she skinny dipping in a lake with a guy she hated two minutes before? Are college parties cool anymore if the cool kids are playing truth or dare? How pissed is British douche’s parents when they find him drinking from a glass bottle by the pool? He definitely smashed that bottle and they’re going to have to completely drain their pool. Why is that the thing that annoys me the most about this movie? Is the twist really that big of a deal? Is the random bitchy friend saying “this isn’t what you think it is” before the big “twist” just written in because they needed shots for the trailer to tell people what the movie is about in the most vague way possible? How is this Harry Styles fan-fic? Doe people call it fan-fic? Have I asked too many questions? Will there be an After After?

2. Shark in Venice

Shark in Venice is pretty self explanatory. It’s a bad campy Sci-Fi channel style movie about “what if there were sharks in Venice”. Seems like that could be a decent idea for a slightly below average movie, right? No, you’re wrong and I’ll tell you why. It’s not about Sharks in Venice at all. It’s about a man chasing after a treasure that’s been lost under Venice because the Medici family hid it? Sure, but now the mafia is looking for it and some shit and our protagonist’s dad died trying to scuba dive and find the treasure because oh wait there’s sharks in the canals for… reasons. Oh and our protagonist? It’s Stephen fucking Baldwin!!! They got the fat Baldwin brother to be in this movie! These are harsh times for Hollywoods favorite band of pretty douchey brothers, even if Stephen was already the weakest. Needless to say is he does not pull off the “sexy scuba diver/treasure hunter/actually competent actor vibe”. They should have gone after Alec and watched the Oscars start rolling in.

1. Planet of the Sharks

Basically in the same vain as our last Baldwin family classic, Planet of the Sharks revolves around some convoluted plot to get sharks to eat the shit out of people for 90 minutes. Just envision Waterworld, That really crappy mid ’90s movie with Kevin Costner where the world was all water and ppl were basically pirates and shit. It’s like that but replace Kevin Costner with your friends dad, the girl who took a spin class with you that one time, and your 9th grade english teacher. Just imagine anyone in your life who can’t act and you have this movie. At one point a lady who can only be described as the worst person in a middle school play version of The Walking Dead does an accent that seemed to be a mix between Texas and the smart ape in the James Franco Planet of the Apes, but right when he’s first learning to talk. At some point there was a white dude playing and asian scientist for absolutely no reason (No, Scarlett Johansson was not in this movie). It definitely cracks the top ten fo worst movies I’ve ever seen and takes home the gold in worst movies I’ve seen during quarantine (so far).

The New and Improved Monstars

In quarantine these days the 1990s are seemingly cool again, and especially ’90s basketball. Everyone in the world is fawning all over Michael Jordan and the Bulls while watching each episode of The Last Dance like it’s the Super Bowl, and the logo for Space Jam 2 was just release. All of this Michael Jordan and Space Jam talk begs the question that’s been burning since the original movie’s release in 1996; were the Monstars really that intimidating?

The little aliens from Moron Mountain came to Earth and stole the talent from five NBA players: Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, Muggsy Bogues, and Shawn Bradley. Those five would make a formidable mid ’90s team, but doesn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of the entire world, let alone Michael Jordan. Of the current Monstars only Sir Charles made an All-NBA team for the 1994-95 season in which the movie takes place (he was second team All-NBA). Barkley was also a Western Conference All-Star that season, with fellow Monstars Patrick Ewing and Larry Johnson being selected to the Eastern Conference team. Muggsy Bogues and Shawn Bradley came no where near any kind of accolades that season. You have to do better than that if you want to beat the greatest player of all-time. So let’s reset the roster and find the players who should have had their talent stolen and see if we can beat some cartoons, Michael Jordan, and Bill Murray at basketball. The only player we will keep from the original five-man roster is Charles Barkley, everyone else gets their mediocre talent back and our alien friends will have to find four more fitting players who are Monstar material.

The first player to be replaced is Shawn Bradley. He didn’t exactly wow any NBA fans in ’95. Bradley averaged 9.5 points, 8 rebounds, and 3.3 blocks per game over the season which is fine, but not quite what we’re looking for. Bradley gets replaced by Dikembe Mutombo. It would be fitting that a bunch of aliens hailing from Moron Mountain would steal the talent of the player nicknamed Mount Mutombo. The 7’2″ center from the Democratic Republic of the Congo averaged a double-double in ’95 putting up 11.5 points, snagging 12.5 boards, and leading the league in blocked shots with 3.9 a game. Mutombo grabbed All-Defensive second-team honors, oh and was named the Defensive Player of the Year in the NBA. Mutombo is a way better choice than lame-ass Shawn Bradley. The only thing cool about Shawn Bradley is that he is 7’6″. Mount Mutombo would be way more fun to watch swatting shots and giving Daffy Duck the patented finger wag afterwards. Can you imagine him hitting on Lola Bunny with the famous “who wants to sex Mutombo” pick-up line. Also imagine Michael Jordan bringing back the eyes closed free throw he mocked Mutombo with in 1991? This is already a way funnier movie and all that had to happen was kick Shawn Bradley to the curb.

Staying in the front-court, Patrick Ewing gets replaced with Shaquille O’Neal. As good as Ewing was in ’95, Shaq was way better. Shaq was an All-Star and made second-team All-NBA. The Big Diesel lead his Orlando Magic to the NBA Finals and even beat Jordan’s Bulls along the way. In just his third year in the league, Shaq was already the most dominant big man averaging 29.3 points and 11.4 rebounds a game. He was already one of the biggest personalities in the league too, and you know you’d love to see a cartoonized Shaq mix it up with Bugs Bunny and the gang. Also Shaq was on his way to becoming the most accomplished actor the NBA has ever seen. He had already been in Blue Chips the year before and Kazaam was released in 1996 a full four months before Space Jam. The last point that cements Shaq’s status as a true Monstar over Ewing is that Shaq never let Michael Jordan dunk his face off like Ewing famously did in the 1991 NBA Playoffs. A front-court with Shaq, Mutombo, and Barkley would be must see entertainment.

Now to the backcourt. Monstars fans, your new starting point guard, replacing Muggsy Bogues, is non-other than Gary Payton. The Glove was an all-star in the Western Conference and picked up second-team All-NBA honors. He is also know as one of the best “Michael Jordan stoppers” of the 1990s. He took his Sonics (RIP) to the finals the next season in ’96 and took the Bulls to six games, guarding Jordan for the last few and causing him to have one of the worst statistical NBA Finals of his career. GP would bring a hard edge to the new Monstars and wouldn’t let his teammates start showboating when the game became kind of one-sided in the first half. Payton was a first team All-Defensive selection in ’95 and you know he would mean mug the shit out of Tweety Bird. The trash talk between Payton and Bill Murray would be legendary.

Speaking of legendary trash talk, the last player to be added to the new Monstars is Reggie Miller, replacing Larry Johnson. Miller made the third-team All-NBA and would bring much needed outside shooting to the Monstars. Miller shot 41.5 percent from three in ’95 and would become the teams outside assassin. While everyone else clogs the lane and crashes the offensive boards, Reggie will just post up in the corner and wait for his teammates to kick the ball out for an easy spot-up three. Miller is also one of the greatest trash talkers in NBA history and would probably flash the choking sign in the direction of Wayne Knight on the bench. Apparently Wayne Knight is the Tune Squad’s Spike Lee, go figure.

So there you have your new Monstars, ready to take over the world with Charles Barkley, Dikembe Mutombo, Shaq, Gary Payton, and Reggie Miller. This new squad has all of the swagger in the world and will probably self-destruct by halftime. The new and improved Space Jam will definitely need to be rated R though because these guys will be dropping F bombs all over the place. Miller or Payton absolutely knockout Granny and start a benches clearing brawl at some point. There is also no way that Michael Jordan appears in this movie because he most likely hates at least three-fifths of the new players. The thing is, Jordan still probably wins this game. The only new Monstar to ever knock Jordan out of the playoffs was Shaq in ’95, and that’s the year Jordan un-retired and re-joined the Bulls for the last few weeks of the regular season and the playoffs, not exactly a straight-up win by any means. So after all of this jerking around, a new and improved Monstar roster, and a much different movie, Michael Jordan still wins and saves the world because Michael Jordan is Thanos, just the other way around, he is inevitable.