NBA Power Rankings According to Keanu Reeves

Strange things are afoot in the NBA. With just a month to go before the play-in games begin, there are still 7-10 most excellent teams with a chance to win the NBA championship, the rest are just dust in the wind dudes. Ii wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be my style. Pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory last forever. Here’s how the immortal Keanu Reeves sees the NBA with a month to go.

1.) Los Angeles Clippers

2.) Phoenix Suns

3.) Utah Jazz

4.) Philadelphia 76ers

5.) Brooklyn Nets

6.) Los Angeles Lakers

7.) Milwaukee Bucks

8.) New York Knicks

9.) Denver Nuggets

10.) Atlanta Hawks

11.) Portland Trail Blazers

12.) Dallas Mavericks

13.) Boston Celtics

14.) Memphis Grizzlies

15.) Miami Heat

16.) Golden State Warriors

17.) San Antonio Spurs

18.) Indiana Pacers

19.) Charlotte Hornets

20.) Toronto Raptors

21.) Washington Wizards

22.) New Orleans Pelicans

23.) Chicago Bulls

24.) Detroit Pistons

25.) Cleveland Cavaliers

26.) Sacramento Kings

27.) Minnesota Timberwolves

28.) Orlando Magic

29.) Houston Rockets

30.) Oklahoma City Thunder

Be excellent to each other and vaya con Dios.

Every NBA Team’s Best Buddy Cop Partnerships

Buddy cop movies are a staple of Hollywood for the last 40 years. Ever since Eddie Murphy teamed up with Nick Nolte in 48 Hours in 1982 there have been hundreds of takes on the buddy cop dynamic. Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Bad Boys, and even Zootopia (yes Disney got in on the buddy cop game) are some of the most beloved and commercially successful movies of all-time. The key to a great buddy cop duo is that they have to be wildly different personalities. The old curmudgeon paired with the young, slightly insane wildcard (Danny Glover and Mel Gibson), or the action hero alongside the average donut eating family-man (Bruce Willis and Reginald VelJohnson), or the playboy and the wisecracking sidekick (Will Smith and Martin Lawrence). Much like an NBA team, a buddy cop film is only as good as it’s leads. This exercise isn’t just about identifying the two best players on each team and trying to pigeon hole them into a role, but finding the best pair of teammates that would drive an exciting, thoughtful, and most importantly funny cop movie with as wild a plot as possible. Also there’s no copaganda going on here or in the NBA so this list will feature a whole lot of bad cops or at least cops who are bad at their jobs (Mo Bamba).

Atlanta Hawks: John Collins and Trae Young

These two allegedly don’t get along very well, which is a perfect buddy cop movie trope. Trae wants to control the squad but John thinks it is harmful to his image as a “hero cop”. The two figure out their differences and we all find out that it was actually their captain who was the problem the whole time.

Movie title: Young Guns

Boston Celtics: Tacko Fall and Robert Williams

This is my favorite buddy cop movie pairing the NBA has to offer and is the reason why I even wrote this damn thing. This would basically be the movie The Other Guys with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg except Ferrell is 7’5″ and Wahlberg’s nickname is the Time Lord. Tacko and the Time Lord run around Boston solving crimes across time hanging out with the like of Paul Revere, Samuel Adams, and Ted Williams while trying to prove that they are indeed good timecops.

Movie title: Tacko and the Time Lord

Brooklyn Nets: James Harden and Blake Griffin

An indie movie adapted from a play that takes place entirely inside a strip club. Two undercover cops stake out the strip club to find out who kidnapped Kyrie Irving for his birthday? Harden goes full Serpico and is downing day-old strip club hot dogs left and right while Blake Griffin reveals the whole thing was a prank on some online pranksters (I don’t care if that’s already a show he’s hosting).

Movie title: Snake and Blake

Charlotte Hornets: LaMelo Ball and Gordon Hayward

LaMelo is the young hotshot while Hayward the grizzled vet who don’t get along at first, but then bond after they both go through traumatic ankle injuries.

Movie title: Ankle Breakers

Chicago Bulls: Zach LaVine and Coby White

We all know the Bulls are back, but how did they get back? A story of redemption as we follow two young misfits and their incredible journey to finally breakout and be the most mediocre cops they can be.

Movie title: BAB: Bulls Are Back

Cleveland Cavaliers: Collin Sexton and Darius Garland

A simple tale of two hotshot ’70s disco/sex cops who sex it up in…Cleveland, Ohio. At least they have a bangin’ theme song.

Movie title: Sexland

Dallas Mavericks: Luka Doncic and Boban Marjanovic

A gritty European noir film sees Luka and Boban infiltrate a Eastern European drug cartel and find out there is indeed trouble in the Balkans! Little does Luka know his beloved partner Bobi is actually his assassin character from John Wick 3 and is working for our Balkan kingpin. Oh baby but then the real twist is Luka is John Wicks long lost son, Luka DonWick, and he goes full Keanu on everyone’s asses.

Movie title: Luka DonWick

Denver Nuggets: Bol Bol and Facundo Campazzo

Bol Bol is 7’2″ and Facundo is 5’10”. This movie writes itself. It’s Twins but they’re cops.

Movie title: Twin Cops

Detroit Pistons: Killian Hayes and Sekou Doumbouya

What if the French Connection took place in Detroit? The two young frenchmen have not played well at all for the Pistons, but hey was Popeye Doyle actually a good cop?

Movie title: The French Connection 2: Motor City Madness

Golden State Warriors: Draymond Green and James Wiseman

Just two hours of Draymond yelling at Wiseman until Wiseman breaks bad and leaves Draymond for dead with a gang of players the Warriors beat for their three championships led by LeBron James in a reverse Training Day situation.

Movie title: The Wise Man

Houston Rockets: Kenyon Martin Jr. and Kevin Porter Jr.

Both of their dads were (somewhat) controversial cops and now they’re on the force to restore the family name. The problem is, they’re assholes too (kind of).

Movie title: Jr. Force

Indiana Pacers: Domantas Sabonis and Myles Turner

They’re the poster boys for being an good not great cop. They don’t kill any unarmed people which is nice but they also don’t prevent or solve any actual crimes.

Movie title: The Poster Boys

Los Angeles Clippers: Lou Williams and Patrick Beverly

How many of these can take place in a strip club? This one has it all: Strippers, suspensions, playoff collapses, and a whole lot of chicken wings.

Movie title: Magic City

Los Angeles Lakers: LeBron James and Kyle Kuzma

A legendary cop who is seen as a hero across the country teams up with some douche with bleached blonde hair and somehow dates instagram models even though he kind of sucks. LeBron eventually tires of Kuzma’s antics and being terrible and decides to team up with cartoon characters instead, tough beat for Kuz.

Movie title: Space Jam 3

Memphis Grizzlies: Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson Jr.

Two guys with a lot of J’s in their name (and on the court).

Movie title: J Squad

Miami Heat: Jimmy Butler and Tyler Herro

Very similar to the Lakers pairing of LeBron and Kuzma. In this movie Butler is the veteran cop, perhaps a war hero that works hard but rubs people the wrong way. He’s paired with Herro the young instagram influencer who has a rap song named after him. They team up Miami Vice style to take down Pat Riley’s and his criminal organization only to find out that Riley is just a pawn and it goes all the way to the top of the NBA…Adam Silver!

Movie title: Working Hard and Being the Man

Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis and Thanasis Antetokounmpo

Bad boys but it’s in Greece and the boys are actually pretty nice and they help a lot of people and are generally happy about their lives. Another bangin’ theme song.

Movie title: Nice Greek Boys

Minnesota Timberwolves: Anthony Edwards and Ricky Rubio

It’s like Point Break but if Keanu and Swayze stayed friends the whole time. Edwards is the hotshot athletic FBI agent while Rubio the care-free hippie surfer who may or may not still rob banks, but this time Edwards is just kind of ok with it and they go sky diving together to strengthen their friendship instead of trying to throw Edwards out of a plane without a parachute. Glen Taylor is Gary Busey, not in this movie, just in real life.

Movie title: Point Break 2: Friends Forever

New Orleans Pelicans: Zion Williamson and Lonzo Ball

Two of the best young cops in the city have to take down Lonzo’s dad when they find out he built and empire on making counterfeit shoes.

Movie title: Big Baller Boys

New York Knicks: Julius Randle and Derrick Rose

In the vein of Die Hard with a Vengeance, Randle and Rose team up and run around NYC to stop evil James Dolan from destroying the Knicks.

Movie title: Die Hard and Ban Dolan

Oklahoma City Thunder: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Lu Dort

As two of the best Canadian NBA players, Shai and Dort are called back to the motherland when all of the Mounties vanish leaving Niagara Falls unprotected. Shai and Dort save Canada from tourists in a climax that sees Dort defending Canada by flailing his hands in everyone’s face to distract them while Shai sends them over the falls in a giant barrel.

Movie title: Canadian Thunder

Orlando Magic: Markelle Fultz and Mo Bamba

Two once heralded cops are down on their luck after flunking out of the police academy. Can they regain their respect and restore order in a backwards southern town?

Movie title: Bamba Number 5

Philadelphia 76ers: Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons

The whole premise revolves around a young up and coming cop who refuses to shoot, ever (Ben Simmons, Obviously). His partner (Embiid) is kind of an asshole and always getting them into trouble, but Simmons has his own way of dealing with bad guys. Instead of shooting them he gets really into Kung-Fu and kicks the shit out of the rest of the league.

Movie title: The Process Kicks Ass

Phoenix Suns: Chris Paul and Devin Booker

One cop is on his last chance to really make a difference why the other is on his way to superstardom. Can they figure out their chemistry issues before the evil Lakers take over and destroy them before they can figure out how to bring peace to Phoenix for the first time in more than a decade?

Movie title: Phoenix Rising

Portland Trail Blazers: Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum

The exact opposite of the 76ers, Dame and CJ just spend two hours shooting everyone and everything in their line of sight. It’s really problematic, probably funded by Ted Cruz.

Movie title: The Second Amendment

Sacramento Kings: Hassan Whiteside and Marvin Bagley III

Two of the most overrated cops on the force just won’t stop complaining about their jobs so much that their dads have to step in and complain about their jobs some more. Probably not going to make a lot of money.

Movie title: Daddy’s Boys

San Antonio Spurs: DeMar DeRozan and Patty Mills

Not much to say about it, pretty boring but gets the job done. Basically the Other Guys but instead of Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg it’s like Josh Duhamel and Beck Bennett.

Movie title: The Normal Guys

Toronto Raptors: Fred VanVleet and OG Anunoby

A new age Homes and Watson terrorize Toronto in search of Serge Ibaka’s scarves that he left behind. No Dunks’ podcasters J.E. Skeets and Tas Melas help out along the way until they find their arch nemesis: No Dunks producer Jason (J.D.) Doyle, who is discovered to be a descendant of Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes. J.D. sends Fred and OG a cease and desist letter to stop using the Sherlock Holmes trademark and drags them into an endless court case that for whatever reason the two Raptors don’t give up immediately. They eventually agree to call themselves Tango and Cash so J.D. leaves them alone and all is right with the world.

Movie title: Tango and Cash

Utah Jazz: Rudy Gobert and Joe Ingles

Basically Lethal Weapon if Murtaugh was more of a dick and French (same thing) and Riggs was actually a helpful cop who makes the squad better. They have to discover what or who actually started the COVID pandemic and was it an inside job?

Movie title: Lethal Weapon 5?: Global Outbreak

Washington Wizards: Russell Westbrook and Robin Lopez

Somebody is beating the shit out of mascots all across the city. Two cops have 72 hours to find the criminal before he assaults again. But what happens when Russell Westbrook finds out that his partner is the key suspect in this horrifying case?

Movie title: The Silence of the Mascots

20 Movie Villains Ranked By Kinkiness

Movies are only as good as their villain and most movie villains are after one thing and one thing only… they want to fuck. You may have never thought about this before but movie villains need to bang too, they’re just normal humans (mostly) with sexual desires. Some villains are into some weird shit, while others are more conventional in the bedroom, while some aren’t even looking for anything from their victims except for a swift and unsexy death. And hey man, do what you wanna do, there’s no kink shamming going on here, except for you Armie Hammer, you’re a real guy and seemingly a real big piece of shit, but for out villains we don’t get to tell them how to love. Without further ado here’s 20 famous movie villains rated by kinkiness because this is what the world needs to read right now.

20.) Michael Myers

While he is a very hands on and dedicated stalker, I’m pretty sure this guy does not fuck.

Kink Rating: 0/10

19.) The Terminator

Dude gets dropped off on Earth butt naked with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body (minus the shriveled roid penis, because he’s probably got a giant robot dong) and the first thing he does is beat up some guys for his clothes? Dude you’re in LA naked 1984 Arnold can do anything he wants, and all you want to do is kill Sarah Connor? That’s just boring man do better. This is for killing Bill Paxton you bitch.

Kink Rating: 1/10

18.) Thanos

The busiest guy in the universe doesn’t have time to get busy with any of his conquests after a long day of killing half the people in the universe, that’s why he’s just got a bunch of adopted children. He could use the Infinity Stones for literally any freaky shit he wants, but instead snaps his fingers like he’s in a Lil Jon music video, and then goes to hangout alone on some shitty planet and farm some soybeans. Thanos doesn’t fuck and he really doesn’t want you to either.

Kink Rating: 1.5/10

17.) Anton Chigurh

The coin flip definitely gets the blood flowing in his loins and he loves choking dudes out as you can see above, but It’s just part of the job. Serial killer Anton has about as much sexual energy as John Ford in his high school senior pictures with a not too dissimilar haircut and absolute evil in their cold dead eyes.

Kink Rating: 2/10

16.) Shooter McGavin

Golf is notably one of the least sexy sports full of impotent, middle aged white men who masquerade as athletes and Shooter McGavin is the embodiment of the worst of white country club America. He’s a notable Yacht Rock guy who hates rock concerts, but does watch those people fucking in the woods for way too long. If you include bad place Shooter (which I do not) then you could argue for him to be higher on the list. Bad place shooter is a sex machine who sucks tongue with Happy’s grandma, the KISS guy, and Julie Bowen. He does eat pieces of shit for breakfast so you know there’s a sexual deviant in there somewhere. Normal Shooter is the equivalent of Phil Mickelson, while bad place Shooter is 2008 Tiger Woods just smashing prostitutes and waitresses all over the country.

Kink Rating: 3/10

15.) The Shark from Jaws

I mean he just kind of lies there and stares at you with those lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes and makes you do all the work. That being said Bruce is a biter and will put literally anything in his mouth at least once, nice. Overall though he may be a little too overbearing and is constantly forgetting the safe word, you can’t be too violent if you want to keep fucking all over the sea, otherwise you get blown up by Amity’s daddy Roy Scheider.

Kink Rating: 5/10

14.) Dr. Evil

My guy just wants to be loved but those crazy Belgians fucked little Dougie up. Dr. Evil clones himself and enters into some weird father/son relationship with mini-me, gets freaky with that crazy lady who is his concubine? His wife? Some lady who works for him? I don’t know and I don’t want to. But most of all Dr. Evil just wants Scott to respect him and carry on the Evil name which is a noble quest for a time travelling megalomaniac. Dr. Evil also goes on Jerry Springer at one point which ups the kink factor of any movie villain by like 8%.

Kink Rating: 5/10

13.) Scar

Scar is a tragic bitch surrounded by a harem of subservient hyenas who will do anything for him. The thing is Scar doesn’t get it up for the playboy lifestyle, instead what gets him going is the thought of murdering his own brother and having his gang mutilate his nephew while fucking his sister-in-law. Scar made evil-sexy Hamlet cool before Rick Dalton was ever even cast in Lancer. Scar loves to play with his victims and is basically the Buffalo Bill of the Serengeti. You can absolutely see him in his little room on pride rock dancing in front of a mirror with his big lion balls tucked between his legs saying would you fuck me, I’d fuck me while making Zazu rub lotion on his feathers in his weird little ribcage prison.

Kink Rating: 6/10

12.) Captain Hook

This is where we veer into some really problematic kinks for the first time in this post. If you didn’t notice, Captain Hook is a straight up pedophile. We’re talking especially about Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal of the swashbuckler in the movie Hook. One, he’s obsessed with small children, particularly teenage boys, first Peter Pan, then his son Jack. He grooms Jack to get back at Robin Williams for not loving him enough and eventually leaving Neverland, which is fucked up. He dresses the kid up in full wig, fancy pirate coats, and other stuff and it’s pretty fucking weird. He then has the thing with the crocodile and the clock, and seems to get half a chub when he stabs Rufio, another child, and tries to kill a whole band of orphans. Julia Roberts is in this movie and can’t even get Hook to call her back. Bad form James, bad form.

Kink Rating: a problematic 6/10

11.) Billy Loomis

Poor Billy Loomis is just your normal teenager who needs to fuck, and when he doesn’t he murders half the town. Seems like poor self awareness on his behalf to start dating known good girl Sidney Prescott. Also dude is obsessed with Sid and also killed her mom cuz she fucked his dad, big time mommy issues for young William. You have to admire the commitment though, trying to kill his girlfriend several times while he’s also trying to bang her, then playing stabby stab with his buddy Stu (who he’s def gone to second base with while taking turn licking the blood off their practice stab wounds). Billy Loomis is the ultimate fuckboy who just wants to penetrate stuff no matter the cost.

Kink Rating: 6/10

10.) Sauron

Fucking stalk much, Jesus Sauron get a fucking hobby for Christ’s sake. All he does is sit in his very phalic tower and watches people for 3,000 years. The ultimate voyeur also tries to lure people into loving him by giving them a sexy little ring which binds (nice) people to his will. He even tries to share power with other penis tower enthusiast Saruman who the number two resident peeping Tom of Middle Earth.

Kink Rating: 6/10

9.) The Alien from Alien

A couple of things about the Alien: It latches onto your face and pumps its eggs down your throat, nice. While it’s face fucking you it also chokes the shit out of you, then without warning comes busting right the fuck out of your chest and sprays blood everywhere. Also it has nothing to do with the Xenomorph, but the android if filled with semen which is notable. Also in space no one can hear you scream sounds like the intro to a bad porno, and happens to be the tagline fo this movie. In conclusion the alien is just into autoerotic asphyxiation and is a classic exhibitionist.

Kink Rating: 7/10

8.) Amy Dunne

Not only cucks the shit out of the ultimate sub, Ben Affleck, but makes all of America her bitch as well. She literally slashes NPH’s throat while fucking him, drives home to beta Affleck, he knows she killed NPH and set him up, and she still gets him to get her pregnant, that’s some ultimate dominant shit right there. She’d rather spend the rest of her life and have a kid with Affleck, a man she despises than go live out her life in the Puget Sound painting ducks in her screened in porch. 10/10 guys would marry the shit out of Amy Dunne even knowing that they would eventually either get brutally murdered or framed for a murder/kidnapping because they know that the shower sex afterwards would be next level.

Kink Rating: 7.5/10

7.) Jafar

Oh yea you know Jafar fucks. He’s the evil animated Elton John of the Disneyverse. He has a giant snake staff that gets hard and soft throughout the movie, and the first thing he does when he gains power is make Jasmine his sex slave, then becomes a sex slave as a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub him the right way.

Kink Rating: 7.5/10

6.) Hans Gruber

Gruber basically invented terrorism by ASMR and had a knack for flirting his way into the hearts of his hostages especially his cocaine fantasy boytoy Ellis. Hans and John McClane have intense sexual chemistry during the whole movie and Hans can’t get enough of the cowboy role play throughout their cat and mouse chase. You see Hans’ oh face when he gets dropped off of Nakatomi Plaza because the thought of falling 1,000 feet to his death turns him all the way the fuck on.

Kink Rating: 8/10

5.) Freddie Krueger

A Nightmare on Elm Street is essentially just one big psychosexual Freudian story about a dude who gets off from watching teens banging and sleeping. I mean my guy literally fingers them to death in their sleep, fucking freshman move Fredo, get a hobby.

Kink Rating: 8/10

4.) Hans Landa

Hans Landa is a naughty little evil piece of shit isn’t he, what a scamp. Here are some of the kinky things he does throughout Inglourious Basterds:

• Flirts with Perrier LaPadite over a cheeky glass of milk while puffing on that big-ass pipe knowing full well he’s about to gun down some kids
• Lets Shoshanna go even though he could have shot her with his puny little Nazi gun
• Whole lot of cream talk at the meeting with the ultimate cuck Joeseph Goebbels
• Sniffs the shit out of that autographed napkin
• Flirts with Brad Pitt in broken Italian
• Cinderella’s Bridget von Hammersmark and then chokes the shit out of her
• Relishes in sexual tension the whole movie
• Gets headbutted by Brad Pitt wearing a hood, likes it
• Nicknames Ryan from The Office the little man
• Writhes in pain? pleasure? while Brad Pitt carves a swastika into his fucking face, definitely likes it

Hans Landa, horny little possum man.

Kink Rating: 8.5/10

3.) The Joker

To be clear this is specifically Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight. Jack Nicholson’s Joker is a fuckboy, but Joaqin Phoenix’s is a sad virgin man and we don’t speak about Jared Leto’s Joker in this household. Ledger’s Joker has the most chaotic sexual energy of anyone all-time real or fake. He loves getting punched in the face repeatedly by a big strong guy in a gimp suit. He plays constant sexual mind games with Bruce Wayne and even lets Bruce tie him up and hang him upside down. And above all else I think he is truly in love with Batman, what if the Dark Knight was really a romance the entire time?

Kink Rating 9/10

2.) Hannibal Lecter

Look at this little flirt, just asking Jodie Foster to get closer to his cell, you frisky monster you. Dr. Lecter is the inspiration for real life monster Armie Hammer who all the way sucks. Some would argue that Buffalo Bill is the true kink-master, which does make sense with all the mirror dancing, the it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again mumbo jumbo, keeping women in wells, it makes sense. My argument is two fold: first Buffalo Bill isn’t the real villain in The Silence of the Lambs so we don’t care about him, secondly big guy is just trying to figure out who he is and wants to experiment, Lecter knows exactly who he is, a psycho who gets off by eating people with some second tier beans and a shitty wine.

Kink Rating: 9.5/10

1.) Darth Vader

I mean obviously, Vader is Anakin Skywalker, a sexy sensitive guy from Tatooine. Starting off in the prequels Anakin has some real mommy issues and is def trying to slide into Padme’s royal panties at the ripe old age of nine. I mean he calls her an angel before he goes through puberty, you knew this kid was gonna get up to some shit when he got older. After he becomes Vader he also walks around the galaxy choking people while essentially wearing a gimp suit and stabbing them with a large light up dildo, that’s a kinky cry for help if I’ve ever seen one. He has a steamy showdown with Obi Wan and you wonder what happened between them 30 years prior when they were alone together in the vastness of space. Vader loves power but also gets off being the obedient servant of a shriveled penis man named Sheev. Dude was probably just trying to get freaky in in a galaxy far far away, did anyone ever even ask? No they just shot at him like a bunch of assholes. Stupid rebels.

Kink Rating: 10/10

If we’ve learned anything from this exercise it’s that people in movies are evil primarily because they need to fuck and get into some weird shit. So next time you watch a movie and there’s a horrible villain doing some truly evil shit just think for once what they’re going through, and if they’re getting any and allow them to let their freak flags fly proudly while they kill the shit out of some innocent people.

NBA Power Rankings According to Denzel Washington

Denzel Washington would come into the NBA and immediate become the greatest coach of all-time. He took the raggedy Titans and turned them into the greatest defensive team in the history of high school football and cured racism along the way. In He Got Game Denzel became the greatest force in NCAA recruiting history by getting out of prison and getting his son Jesus Shuttlesworth (AKA Ray Allen) to go to Big State. That’s like of I told LeBron James to go to Minnesota just for shits and he fucking did and won a national championship. Even Alonzo Harris inspired sad boy Jake Hoyt to become a great cop. Dude didn’t have the drive until Detective Harris left him for dead and tried to set him up for some crimes, a real motivator. Hell, he could take the Timberwolves and turn them into a contender, just gotta get out the PCP.

1.) Brooklyn Nets

2.) Utah Jazz

3.) Philadelphia 76ers

4.) Milwaukee Bucks

5.) Phoenix Suns

6.) Los Angeles Lakers

7.) Los Angeles Clippers

8.) Denver Nuggets

9.) Portland Trail Blazers

10.) Dallas Mavericks

11.) Miami Heat

12.) San Antonio Spurs

13.) Golden State Warriors

14.) Boston Celtics

15.) Atlanta Hawks

16.) New York Knicks

17.) Memphis Grizzlies

18.) Indiana Pacers

19.) Charlotte Hornets

20.) New Orleans Pelicans

21.) Chicago Bulls

22.) Toronto Raptors

23.) Oklahoma City Thunder

24.) Cleveland Cavaliers

25.) Washington Wizards

26.) Sacramento Kings

27.) Orlando Magic

28.) Minnesota Timberwolves

29.) Detroit Pistons

30.) Houston Rockets

Now we just gotta get Will Patton to sign on as the Timberwolves’ defensive specialist. We are the Timberwolves, the mighty mighty Timberwolves. Quick comp of the Wolves and Titans rosters. KAT is Gerry Bertier, Anthony Edwards is Julius, Rubio is sunshine (obviously), DLo is Petey, Beasley is Gosling, Naz is Blue, and Glen Taylor is Ray (the racist one), lastly I’m Hayden Panettiere but with way more swearing.

Which Kurt Russell Characters can Dunk?

Kurt Russell, you know him, you love him, you either want to be him or want him to be your dad. But more importantly can he, and most specifically, can the characters he plays dunk? Russell’s career has spanned more than 50 years and he’s played everything from a teenage computer to some of the most famous people in American history to an entire fucking planet. My guy’s got range, but how high can that range jump? The easy answer to my question would be no, Kurt Russell definitely can’t dunk. Listed at somewhere around 5’11” which gives an average standing reach of about 7’4″ he would need a vertical of 32 inches just to touch the rim. Given that most people need to jump about six inches over the rim to actually dunk the basketball, our guy Kurt would need a vertical of no less than 38 inches in order to dunk, which means he would need the athletic ability of a young six-foot NBA superstar Chris Paul. Lets take a look at some of his most iconic roles and ask the question everyone wants to know the answer to: which Kurt Russell characters can dunk?

Elvis, Elvis

A couple of mitigating factors here in determining if Kurt Russell Elvis can dunk. First, Elvis was about the same height as Russell, somewhere around 5’11” to six-feet. Young Elvis was an athlete and played football while growing up. Lastly the TV movie Elvis doesn’t depict the last several years of Elvis’ life, the fat Elvis years. That being said, there’s no fucking way Kurt Russell Elvis could dunk wearing those cooky outfits while loading up on peanut butter and banana sandwiches, dues gonna puke at the rim and the ball will slip harmlessly out of his hands.

Can Elvis Dunk: No

Snake Plissken, Escape From New York and Escape from LA

We already know that Snake Plissken is the greatest basketball player on the face of the Earth.

He’s got the clutch gene, saving the world and shit, and there’s no doubt in my mind that when the guards go home and he’s just messing around without the weight of the world on his broad shoulders, he could absolutely throws down a wicked tomahawk 360 in the Duke of New York’s face.

Can Snake Plissken dunk: Hell yea

MacReady, The Thing

No chance in hell MacReady is even attempting a dunk when it’s -60 degrees in Antartica and he’s drunk as hell.

Can MacReady Dunk: No, too cold

Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China

Jack Burton definitely thinks he can dunk among other things. Supreme confidence goes a long way in actually making it happen. Jack Burton is a master at manifestation. Watch the movie and you’ll see a man with raw athleticism, who is jumping around beating the shit out of 1,000 year old Chinese thunder gods. It’s all in the reflexes. Plus old Jack Burton takes some magic potion to make him invincible, my guy can really shake the pillars of hell, or the backboard on a giant alley-oop.

Can Jack Burton Dunk: Yes sir, the check is in the mail

Lt. Cash, Tango & Cash

Lt. Cash is far more interested in other things than getting in the gym every day to get those legs in dunking shape.

Can Cash Dunk: No

The McCaffreys, Backdraft

Both dead papa and angry brother McCaffrey that Russell confusingly plays were firefighters through and through. They def and daddy son firehouse squat circuit training every day and it would have made a great montage. These dudes kicked the strongest Baldwin’s ass in a win for “real” men everywhere. Somehow hauling hoses across Chicago seems to be the perfect workout in order to be able to dunk.

Can the McCaffreys Dunk: Duh, firefighters kick ass (except you Jack Robinson)

Captain Ron, Captain Ron

Captain Ron has absolutely no idea where he is at any given time and has never touched a basketball in his life. He’s going to fall off his boat before he ever dunks a basketball. Also the eye patch is going to throw off his depth perception.

Can Captain Ron dunk: No

Wyatt Earp, Tombstone

Wyatt Earp is a living legend in Tombstone. The people of the titular city were probably ready to rename it Earpstone, Wyatt Town? Earptopia? whatever a la Tompa Bay after Brady arrived in your grandparents retirement community last year. Earp Dunks all over fat Billy Bob Thorton early in the movie, but to actually dunk a basketball, in the Wild West? With Those hats and coats? Tough gig for the Earp boys. When he gets stuffed by the rim on the first attempt he’s absolutely yelling this at an inanimate object on a desert basketball court as a tumbleweed blows by.

He’s basically the Chris Paul of the Wild West but that Cliff Paul mustache is going to keep him from throwing down a sick jam 100/100 times.

Can Wyatt Earp Dunk: No, but everyone believes he can anyways

Doucebag army guy, Stargate

Like ’90s firefighters, ’90s army bros are notorious for being yoked. He’s definitely sitting in his barracks watching James Spader sleep while doing 5,000 squats in the middle of the night mumbling something like “science bitch” under his breath without breaking eye contact. If he grew up in the Youtube era, when they opened the Stargate, Russell would have his buddy hold up a tiny basketball hoop so Russell could simultaneously dunk on and through the Stargate, and Spader by proxy.

Can Army Russell dunk: Sir yes Sir

Herb Brooks, Miracle

Herb Brooks was a 5’10” hockey player from Minnesota who was born in 1937. While he doesn’t have enough talent to dunk on talent alone, I do know for a fact that he will stand under that rim and jump again and again and again until god dammit he dunks the ball, preferably against the Russians, while he calls himself a candy ass between each try.

Can Herb Brooks dunk: No, but in the most inspiring way possible

The Commander, Sky High

Yea no shit he’s the world’s most powerful superhero.

Can The Commander dunk: Yes, in the most boring Superman way

Stuntman Mike, Deathproof

He himself as a human male cannot dunk a basketball. But as an Evel Knievel stuntman he’s def driving his car off a huge jump at a basketball halftime show and dunking the ball out of the drivers window before crashing into the first 17 rows killing 300 people in the process.

Can Stuntman Mike dunk: No and we should never ask him to.

John Ruth, The Hateful Eight

Kind of a mix between MacReady and Wyatt Earp, John Ruth can’t dunk for a few reasons. One, nobody in history could dunk before 1900, that’s a fact, don’t bother looking it up. Two, the snow is too damn deep. Have you ever tried jumping in snow with all those layers on? Michael Jordan couldn’t jump over a phone book in a giant bearskin coat and moleskin boots. Lastly, he’s gotta hold onto Jennifer Jason Leigh, can’t try to one hand that shit if you’re holding hostages.

Can John Ruth dunk: No

Ego, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

As a full on planet technically he’s dunking when everyone else is, so yea he’s a god damn planet.

Can Ego dunk: Yes

Santa, The Christmas Chronicles 1&2

Couple of things: Santa is an old fat guy so right away you assume he can’t dunk. On the flip side, he’s a magic enthusiast who has flying reindeer and can get around the globe in a single night so perhaps getting to the rim isn’t the biggest task in the world. And Kurt Russell is a hot, seemingly cool Santa, Tim Allen getting fat and old he is not. With his magic there’s no question that Santa could be the starting power forward on the Minnesota Timberwolves.

Can Santa dunk: Yes

Post All-Star Break Rookie Juice Rankings

The 2020 rookie class was heralded as one of the weakest in the last 20 years. There were no clear cut future stars, and every prospect had at least one fatal flaw that would keep them from becoming and NBA superstar. Halfway through the season and it looks like most draft experts were super wrong about this class and deserve to be called out for their slander against bonafide future stars like LaMelo Ball, Anthony Edwards, and Tyrese Haliburton. 30-some odd games into this wonky season and the rookies have somehow outshined even the rosiest of projections, overcoming zero offseason, a limited training camp, and dealing with the chaos of the pandemic at tender ages. While it probably won’t go down as the greatest draft of all-time, the 2020 NBA Draft is definitely better than anyone could have ever imagined.

1.) LaMelo Ball, Charlotte Hornets

Stats: 15.8 ppg, 6.1 rpg, 6.4 apg

New Melo has been the leader in the clubhouse for this new, prestigious made up award all season. Leading into the 2020 NBA Draft Ball had plenty of detractors and it seemed to be a 50-50 chance he would either be the next Magic Johnson, or perhaps some version of Michael Carter-Williams. Either all-time great or all-time chump seemed to be the thought about Ball for months, and 30-something games into his career new Melo has exceeded even the loftiest of expectations for his rookie season. LaMelo is one of the most exciting players in the entire league, throwing lobs and skip passes all over the court to mediocre dudes like Miles Bridges and Malik Monk. He has the normally woeful Hornets in the 6th seed in the East and currently clear of the play in tournament. Ball looks like one of the next crop of great young players who will be one of the best players in the NBA for the next 15 years.

2.) Anthony Edwards, Minnesota Timberwolves

Stats: 15.8 ppg, 4.1 rpg, 2.5 apg

It took a while but the first-overall pick in the NBA draft is finally showing critics that perhaps the Timberwolves actually knew what they were doing when they selected Edwards ahead of Ball and James Wiseman. The 19-year-old from Georgia looked like he was in way over his head in the truncated pre-season, and a lot of his struggles plagued him throughout the first half of the regular season. Edwards struggles to make shots and is shaky from three, but holy shit is he an athletic terrorist when he gets a head of steam going to the rim. He threw down what will easily be the dunk of the year against the Raptors, and has a dozen other insane highlights across his first 36 games. In the eight games since Chris Finch took over as head coach Edwards is averaging 22 points per game, 5.9 rebounds, and 2.5 assists on shooting splits of 39.6/31.9/82.1. Edwards is well on his way to becoming one of the most popular young players in the NBA and has started to show that he can actually help the Timberwolves win some more games.

3.) Tyrese Haliburton, Sacramento Kings

Stats: 12.8 ppg, 3.5 rpg, 5.2 apg

Haliburton has been as steady as a 10-year vet all while playing on the least steady team in the NBA (friggin Kangz). The 21-year-old shooting guard has shown the ability to knockdown any shot and is hitting a blistering 43 percent from three as a rookie. Haliburton is already an above average playmaker with 5.2 assists as a nice compliment to De’Aaron Fox. Some people think Haliburton’s ceiling may be a little bit lower than Ball, Edwards, and even Wiseman, but he already has show an incredibly high floor in which to improve upon. Now just get as far away from Sacramento as possible, Haliburton sure would look great in a Spurs jersey wouldn’t he?

4.) Immanuel Quickley, New York Knicks

Stats: 12.5 ppg, 2.3 rpg, 2.4 apg

The Knicks knocked the 2020 draft out of the park, but surprisingly not for their top pick. The Knickerbockers chose Dayton phenom Obi Toppin with the 8th pick in the draft, but it’s their 25th pick Quickley that has helped steer the Knicks back to relevance. Quickley is already showing flashes of becoming the next Lou Williams/Jamal Crawford type slasher scorer who already has one of the best floaters in the game. Julius Randle, R.J. Barrett, and Quickley are the wonky, talented young core that against all odds will be the saviors of Madison Square Garden.

5.) Patrick Williams, Chicago Bulls

Stats: 10.2 ppg, 4.7 rpg, 1.3 apg

The Bulls are back and a lot of it is thanks to their young core, of which Patrick Williams is a key cog in the machine. Williams is a perfect fit in the frontcourt alongside Wendell Carter Jr., Lauri Markkanen, and Thaddeus Young. While Williams probably doesn’t have a future as an NBA superstar, he has the tools to grow into an important role player on a perennial playoff team.

6.) Saddiq Bey, Detroit Pistons

Stats: 10.1 ppg, 3.9 rpg, 1.1 apg

One of the lone bright spots for a Pistons team that once again is the most boring team in the NBA. Killian Hayes was supposed to be the top rookie in the Motor City, but since his injury Bey has taken that title. Bey is a nice sized wing who can knock down a three and give the Pistons a boost off the bench.

7.) Jae’Sean Tate, Houston Rockets

Stats: 9.9 ppg, 5.3 rpg, 1.6 apg

Undrafted Tate has come out of nowhere to find himself in a solid rotation spot with the Rockets in the aftermath of the James Harden trade. Tate fills a lot of needs for the Rockets who have lost 16 straight games. Tate rebounds extremely well for a 6’4″ small forward and cam provide a little defense, something James Harden never did.

8.) James Wiseman, Golden State Warriors

Stats: 12 ppg, 5.9 rpg, 0.6 apg

The plight of James Wiseman over the last 18 months makes the 19-year-old seven-footer the most interesting rookie in the NBA. Wiseman was the presumptive favorite to be the top pick in 2020 until he was barred from playing for Memphis after three games for improper benefits given to Wiseman’s family. Nobody saw him play basketball for a year afterwards, causing his draft stock to drop with pundits unsure of his talent level. Eventually Wiseman was taken second by the Warriors, a team with a roster full of key members of the Warriors dynasty that won three championships. Adding a talented big man in Wiseman was a gamble for Golden State, how would he fit in with Steph Curry and Klay Thompson? The answer is we still don’t know since Thompson is out with an Achilles injury. Wiseman has had an up-and-down rookie year moving in and out of the starting lineup, while facing criticism from head coach Steve Kerr. Wiseman still looks like he’ll be able to blossom into a good Center in the NBA, but his path to stardom has gotten just a little bit more difficult than we originally thought.

9.) Desmond Bane, Memphis Grizzlies

Stats: 9.8 ppg, 2.9 rpg, 1.3 apg

Bane gives the Grizzlies yet another young player to mix in with budding superstars Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson. At 45.1 percent, Bane is already one of the best long range shooters in the NBA and will fill an important role off the bench for a Grizzlies team fighting for a playoff spot.

10.) Isaiah Stewart, Detroit Pistons

Stats: 5.6 ppg, 5.9 rpg, 0.7 apg

Giving the Pistons some big beef in the middle, Stewart has been a lot of fun to watch on the lowly Pistons. Stewart is a tough guy who will be a fan favorite in Detroit for years to come.

NBA Expansion Cities: Wrong Answers Only

The idea of NBA expansion has somehow only become more possible in the last 10 months during the pandemic. Most people have thrown out their ideas for which cities across the country the NBA should expand to: Seattle is a no brainer, lots of people want Las Vegas (RIP James Harden), Louisville, even Mexico City and Montreal seem to be real candidates for a new NBA franchise sometime in the next half decade. Thinking about nice cities that deserve an NBA team is no fun so here are a bunch of random places that would be horrible places to give a professional basketball team.

Flint, Michigan

Population: 97,000

How pissed would people be if Adam Silver inexplicably game Flint a friggin pro sports team before the people of Flint had access to fresh water. You’d think we would have fixed that by now, but alas most actual problems in the United States were forgotten about for the last four years.

Albuquerque, New Mexico

Population: 560,000

What team, Wildcats! Get your head in the game! You don’t want to bring an NBA team to the city know as the home of High School Musical and fictional basketball/dance legend Troy Bolton. He’s Larry Bird to these people and anyone who plays for Albuquerque would have to go through arduous dance rehearsals before each game to make sure they get the choreography ready for the big night. Imagine Joel Embiid having to decide between playing in the NBA Finals or getting a callback for Danny in the teams spring production of Grease.

Nome, Alaska

Population: 3,850

Waaaaaaay too close to Russia. We don’t need a Red Dawn situation happening during the Dunk Contest at All-Star Saturday Night in Nome. The team’s name would have to be Wolverines!

Panama City Beach, Florida

Population: 12,750

The Las Vegas of the Florida panhandle James Harden would have to manage his load every time he played against PCB. If I can get up to no good in this town 99 percent of all pro athletes would get suspended within a day, especially during spring break. You would have to move the NBA Finals to November.

Honolulu, Hawaii

Population: 349,000

Way too far away. Nobody wants to have a back to back in LA and Honolulu with a five hour flight in between. Also once you get to Hawaii the last thing you’re going to want to do is go inside and play basketball all day. If they could play outside on Waikiki Beach then we can talk.

Billings, Montana

Population: 109,600

An NBA team would really get in the way of the Billings Rodeo and we don’t want that to happen do we?

Wynnewood, Oklahoma

Population: 2,212

While a Tiger King NBA team would automatically be the coolest team in pro sports, rural Oklahoma is probably not the best place to do it. Aside from the racism there’s a buttload of meth out there and these guys would wish they were Carole Baskin’s dead husband.

Gary, Indiana

Population: 76,000

Nothing good happens in Gary, Indiana.

Malibu, California

Population: 12,600

Nobody is showing up to play if they’re in Malibu. LeBron will just host everyone at his house for taco Tuesday and take the L and then just show up for like three games in April, smoke everyone and win the finals again.

Lexington, Kentucky

Population: 320,600

Way too invested in the University of Kentucky basketball team. Only UK grads can play for the new expansion team which would probably be the best team in the league. AD, KAT, Booker, Fox, SGA, Bam, Jamal Murray, Julius Randle, Tyler Herro, Boogie Cousins, John Wall, PJ Washington, and Immanuel Quickley would win 75 games and six straight titles.

Buffalo, NY

Population: 256,500

Imagine Bills fans as basketball fans? They’d be dunking on all of the poor tables across Western New York. It’s just not safe at this point to give them another team.

Roswell, New Mexico

Population: 48,400

The NBA doesn’t fuck with aliens.

Toledo, Ohio

Population: 276,600

Toledo can hardly handle a minor league baseball team and has like 3 bars, no thank you.

Montpelier, Vermont

Population: 7,855

The best thing to happen to Vermont was a bad joke on Baywatch so yea no NBA team for you.

Key Largo, Florida

Population: 9,950

The only thing I remember about Key Largo is that there was a chain gang at the beach and everyone’s lawn furniture was their coke den piss stained couch.

Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin

2,841

Way too many water parks. James Haden will absolutely figure out how to get a lap dance in the wave pool at Noah’s Ark.

Grand Forks, North Dakota

Population: 56,500

Too busy caring about a shitty college hockey team to care about a real sport.

Coon Rapids, Minnesota

Population: 62,500

Famous for being where the District 5 hockey team officially become the Ducks in The Mighty Ducks, and my place of birth, Coon Rapids is actually more know for an unfortunate name and seedy roller rink. I have a feeling most basketball players would refuse to play in jerseys that say Coon Rapids across their chest.

Adam Silver if you’re reading this maybe stick to real towns and don’t bring a basketball team to one of these shitholes.

NBA Power Rankings According to Al Pacino

I don’t know what to say really. Two months into the strangest NBA season of our lives and it all comes down to this meaningless power ranking blog. Either I heal as a writer or I’m going to crumble. Inch by inch, word by word, until I’m finished. I’m in hell right now, internet folks. Believe me, I can either stay here and get the shit kicked out of me by internet trolls or fight my way back into the light. I can climb out of hell one inch at a time.

I look around and I see the shit I’ve written and I think I’ve made every mistake a 29-year-old man can make. I pissed all my money away and moved to fucking England, I chased off anyone who’s not British and now I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror (because I haven’t had a haircut in three months of quarantine). When you get old things in life get taken away from you, you find out life’s a game of inches, and so is blogging about basketball.

In either life or blogging the margin of error is so small. One dumb post about young tv shows or GIF dependant power rankings and you don’t quite make it. One more mean spirited joke about how much you can’t stand British people and you lose readers. The inches we need are all around us. They’re in every Timberwolves meltdown reaction, in every bad inside joke, and every Ben Affleck GIF.

On this blog we fight for that inch. On this blog we tear ourselves and every British person around us to pieces for that inch. We even acknowledge the bloody Welsh for that inch. Because we know when we add up all those inches that’s going to make the fucking difference between winning and losing, between living and dying, being British and being a reasonable person.

In any fight it’s the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. If I’m gonna have any life anymore it’s because I’m willing to fight and die for that inch, because that’s what life is, the six inches in front of your face (especially if your a British person on the sidewalk). Now I can’t make you read this, you’ve got to look at the guy next to you, look into their eyes. Now I think you will see a guy who will read this blog with you. You will see a guy who is gonna sacrifice himself and read some dumb shit for the team, because he knows when it comes down to it, you better do the same for them. That’s a team, gentlemen, and either we read this Al Pacino centric NBA power ranking as a team, or you die as individuals who didn’t experience this life altering blog. That’s blogging guys, that’s all it is.

Now what are you gonna do?

The answer is your going to read the NBA Power Rankings according to Al Pacino GIFs.

1.) Utah Jazz

2.) Los Angeles Lakers

3.) Brooklyn Nets

4.) Los Angeles Clippers

5.) Philadelphia 76ers

6.) Milwaukee Bucks

7.) Phoenix Suns

8.) Portland Trail Blazers

9.) Denver Nuggets

10.) Toronto Raptors

11.) San Antonio Spurs

12.) Golden State Warriors

13.) Indiana Pacers

14.) Boston Celtics

15.) Dallas Mavericks

16.) Miami Heat

17.) Memphis Grizzlies

18.) New York Knicks

19.) Charlotte Hornets

20.) New Orleans Pelicans

21.) Atlanta Hawks

22.) Chicago Bulls

23.) Oklahoma City Thunder

24.) Orlando Magic

25.) Sacramento Kings

26.) Houston Rockets

27.) Washington Wizards

28.) Detroit Pistons

29.) Cleveland Cavaliers

30.) Minnesota Timberwolves

On any given Sunday you’re gonna win and read this blog or your gonna lose and miss out, the point is can you win or lose like a man?

2021 NBA All-Star Game Picks

The NBA will announce the starters of the 2021 NBA All-Star Game on Friday, a game in which most NBA stars have said they don’t want to play in due to, you know, a pandemic. As much as we absolutely need another round of NBA players playing horse in their driveways and backyard courts, the All-Star announcements (and not an actual game you greedy bastards) come at a time when most basketball fans need a break from what’s actually going on in the real world. This season is different from most for many reasons and one of them is that there are about 50 players who actually deserve to be named an All-Star this year. Unexpected youngsters like Shai Gilgious-Alexander, Collin Sexton, and Jerami Grant are having breakout season while veterans including DeMar DeRozan, Julius Randle, Andre Drummond, and even John Wall are having a career renaissance and are leading teams most thought were going to be at the bottom of the standings to playoff contention. Some selections were simple, some were excruciating, without further ado here are my picks for the 2021 NBA All-Star teams.

Eastern Conference Starters

Guard: Bradley Beal, Washington Wizards

Guard: Jaylen Brown, Boston Celtics

Frontcourt: Kevin Durant, Brooklyn Nets

Frontcourt: Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers

Frontcourt: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks

The frontcourt trio in the East is probably the easiest choice to make this season. Durant, Embiid, and Giannis are all having remarkable seasons and sit respectively somewhere in the top 10 of the MVP conversation. Durant is playing just as well if not slightly better than ever in his career, even after being sidelined for 18 months with what could have been a career ending Achilles injury. KD is averaging 29 points, 7.3 rebounds, and 5.3 assists per game on a near 50/40/90 split (52.4/43.4/86.9) for the third place Nets. At 32 Durant could realistically win his second career MVP award while leading the Nets super team to the third championship of his career. Embiid might be the current odds on favorite to win the MVP (currently third according to FanDuel) and has led the Sixers to the best record in the East. Giannis is still Giannis and while he won’t win a third straight MVP, he is still one of the best players in the league and will be an absolute force to be reckoned with in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. The guard selections were much harder to make. I went will Beal simply because he’s been the best offensive guard in the league and leads the NBA in scoring at 32.9 points per game. At the second guard position I selected Jaylen Brown as a starter over Kyrie Irving and James Harden because Brown has been playing at a high level on both sides of the floor for the entire season. Brown is up to 26 points per game with 5.7 rebounds and 3.4 assists. Tatum is still the leader and most talented player on the Celtics but Jaylen Brown deserves a lot of credit and is a sneaky MVP dark horse.

Eastern Conference Reserves

Guard: Zach LaVine, Chicago Bulls

Guard: Kyrie Irving, Brooklyn Nets

Frontcourt: Jayson Tatum, Boston Celtics

Frontcourt: Khris Middleton, Milwaukee Bucks

Frontcourt: Domantas Sabonis, Indiana Pacers

Wild Card: James Harden, Brooklyn Nets

Wild Card: Ben Simmons, Philadelphia 76ers

Of the reserves Tatum, Middleton, Kyrie, and Harden are mortal locks to make the team. Tatum is having the best season of his young career averaging 25.6 points, 7.1 rebounds, and a career high 4.5 assists per game for a pretty good Celtics team. Middleton is one of the best two way players in the NBA and is in serious contention for a 50/40/90 season (51/44.4/90) and is going to make his third straight All-Star team. Since Kyrie came back from his mental health break he’s been one of the best offensive players in the league. In the last 13 games he’s averaging 28.8 points on 55 percent shooting. Kyrie’s new teammate James Harden has been the one of the best playmakers in the NBA since he got traded and started giving a shit in Brooklyn. That leaves three open slots that about 15 players have a chance to fill. I picked Zach LaVine, Domantas Sabonis, and Ben Simmons to round out the roster. LaVine is an offensive monster averaging 28.5 points per game and the Bulls are officially back so he has to be an All-Star. Maybe Adam Silver can coax him into another dunk contest if he actually makes the team. I had to find a way to get a Pacer in there since they’re one of the few Eastern Conference teams that aren’t pretty bad. It came down to Sabonis and Malcolm Brogdon with Sabonis being the easy choice to make back to back All-Star games. Sabonis has become a great playmaker from the post averaging a career high 5.7 assists per game. I reserved the last wild card spot for someone who can actually play defense and that person is undoubtedly Ben Simmons. Simmons leads the league in defensive box plus minus and averages a combined 2.5 blocks and steals per game. The former top pick is arguably the best wing defender in the league and will give the East their best chance to lock down LeBron, Curry, and Lillard. Guys who just missed the roster include: Bam Adebayo, Julius Randle, Trae Young, Nikola Vucevic, and Gordon Hayward.

Western Conference Starters

Guard: Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors

Guard: Damian Lillard, Portland Trail Blazers

Frontcourt: LeBron James, Los Angeles

Frontcourt: Kawhi Leonard, Los Angeles Clippers

Frontcourt: Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets

Four of the five starting spots in the West are no-brainers. LeBron, Kawhi, and Jokic in the front court are miles ahead of any other forwards in the West, and Steph Curry is playing like his unanimous MVP self even though it’s for a middling team. LeBron is the MVP of the league so far and Jokic isn’t terribly far behind while Kawhi is always the biggest superstar who has to exert the least effort in order to take over a game. The second guard spot is where you can go a few different ways. There is a very substantial case to be made for Luka Doncic starting in place of Damian Lillard. Doncic is nearly averaging a triple double and is arguably the most impactful player for any one team. I chose Lillard as the starter because his play has vaulted the Blazers into a top five seed in the West, mostly without C.J. McCollum, and is every bit the offensive threat that Luka is, maybe minus a little playmaking ability. I want to see Steph and Dame just bomb logo threes during a game that absolutely should not actually take place.

Western Conference Reserves

Guard: Luka Doncic, Dallas Mavericks

Guard: Donovan Mitchell, Utah Jazz

Frontcourt: Anthony Davis, Los Angeles Lakers

Frontcourt: Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz

Frontcourt: Paul George, Los Angeles Clippers

Wild Card: Zion Williamson, New Orleans Pelicans

Wild Card: Chris Paul, Phoenix Suns

Like the East, the West reserves have several complete locks to make the team including: Luka, Anthony Davis, Donovan Mitchell, Rudy Gobert and Paul George. Luka arguably should be a starter ahead of Lillard. The Slovenian superstar is arguably the most important offensive player in the game averaging 29.1 points, 8.6 rebounds, and 9.4 assists per game. Donovan Mitchell is the leader of the best team in the league and his teammate Rudy Gobert is in line to win his third DPOY award this season for the Jazz. Paul George has missed the last seven games with a foot injury and should be back before the All-Star break. The same can’t be said for Davis who strained his achilles and will likely be sidelined for a few weeks. There’s a good chance that Davis gets picked for the team and then someone else takes his spot as an injury replacement. That leaves two wild-card spots open in the loaded West. I decided to pick Zion Williamson only because he’s one of the most exciting players in the NBA. Contrary to what J.E. Skeets wants you to think, Zion is a walking highlight, especially since Stan Van Gundy figured out how to properly use him as a driver and a cutter from the wing. Zion is averaging 25 points per game and dunking all over the league in his second season and will be one of the most exciting All-Star players for the next decade and a half. The last spot is reserved for the point god Chris Paul. CP3 is the reason the Suns are actually good this season and deserves to make his 11th and what might end up being his last All-Star game. The snubs in the West include: Mike Conley, Devin Booker, De’Aaron Fox, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, DeMar DeRozan, and Christian Wood.

60+ Can’t Miss “Young” TV Show Ideas

With the new hit TV show Young Rock premiering on NBC on February 16th, a series depicting young Collin Kaepernick coming to Netflix, and Young Sheldon dominating the Karenverse and even popping up in a playoff football game on Nickelodeon, here’s a list of more “Young” shows that the networks need to pay me to create for them ASAP.

Young Kong vs. Young Godzilla

Young Mighty Joe Young

Young Pence

Young John Wick

Young Tom Brady

Young Mike Brady

Young Shea Serrano (Call it Shea’s Days)

Young Tiger King

Young Young Jeezy

Young Logan Roy

Young Masked Singer

Young Dwight Schrute (Call it Schrute’s Roots)

Young Kramer

Young Ron Swanson

Young Dr. Evil

Young Golden Girls

Young McConaughey

Young Terminator

Young O.J.

Young Undertaker (Youngertaker)

Young Captain Raymond J. Holt

Young Tyrion

Young Nick Young

Young Charles Barkley

Young Jokic

Young Joker

Young Bachelor

Young Denzel

Young Thanos

Young Keyser Söze

Young Macho Man Randy Savage (Call it Macho Boy)

Young Ron Burgundy

Young Lebowski

Young Boris Johnson

Young Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

Young Stephen A.

Young Drago (Call it Dolph Young-gren)

Young Two and a Half Men

Young Zodiac

Young Ted Cruz (Same thing as young Zodiac)

Young Kobe

Young Brigham Young

Young Steve Young

Young Snape (Very Erotic)

Young Dumbledore (Call it Youngledore)

Young Joey Chestnut

Young Morris Chestnut

Young Prince

Young Brett Kavanaugh (Featuring PJ and Squee)

Young Afflecks

Young Whalbergs

Young Whalburgers

Young Q

Young Yoda (Not Baby Yoda)

Young Socrates

Young RBG

Young Gandalf (so much weed)

Young Thatcher

Young Frank Reynolds

Young Hulk

Young Hulk Hogan

And last and most likely to get made…Old Sheldon

Obviously these are all pitches for sitcoms on FOX because FOX will put anything on the air.