20 Greatest Basketball Players from Minnesota

Minnesota is known as the State of Hockey. Well, not anymore, it’s the state of basketball. Since the Men’s and Women’s NCAA Basketball Tournaments this season featured two huge stars from the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Jalen Suggs and Paige Bueckers, Minnesota has been at the forefront of the basketball conversation. So, with the Eye of Sauron fixed on Minnesota for the time being, I thought it would be a great chance to remember the greatest players in Minnesota history. A few quick stipulations. First, they either have to have been born in Minnesota, or spent a majority of their childhood in Minnesota. No Gophers, Timberwolves, Lakers, or Lynx stars who don’t actually hail from the state were consider as much as I wanted to slip Mychal Thompson and Seimone Augustus in here. Secondly, we’re going both men’s and women’s players, but just a heads up it’s not going to be even as there are far more men from Minnesota to go on to the pros. That being said we’re taking into account everything from high school, college, and NBA/WNBA careers and will be weighted in the reverse order that I just listed them (I don’t care/wasn’t going to look up what you did in Europe so don’t cry when Ben Woodside doesn’t make the list).

A few honorable mentions before we crack on with the top 20. Sam Jacobson was Minnesota’s Mr. Basketball in 1994, was a huge part of the Gopher’s 1997 Final Four team that must not be named, and was drafted in the first round of the 1998 NBA Draft. If I had counted coaches instead of players I would have added Dave Joerger from Staples who played at MSU Moorhead and was the head coach for the Grizzlies and Kings. The better Minnesotan coach though is John Kundla who coached the Lakers to their first five championships in Minneapolis. But alas this is the best players in Minnesota history, not best people who are involved with basketball in some way. So without further ado, here are the top 20 basketball players from Minnesota.

20.) Chet Holmgren

High School: Minnehaha Academy, 2021 Mr. Basketball

For the last spot on the list I look to the future with a bet that Chet Holmgren is going to be at least a serviceable NBA player going forward. He just won Mr. Basketball, his fourth state title, and is the number one prospect in the 2021 recruiting class according to ESPN and Rivals. Holmgren is said to be following in his former teammate Jalen Suggs’ footsteps and likely to declare his intent on playing for Gonzaga next season. Some think he could potentially be the first pick in the 2022 NBA draft, and if that all happens he will shoot up this list. For now we’ll save the last spot for the unknown potential of a budding superstar named Chet.

19.) Jim Petersen

High School: St. Louis Park High School, 1980 Mr. Basketball

College: University of Minnesota, 96 games, 5.6 ppg, 4 rpg, 1 apg

NBA: Three teams from 1984-92, 51st overall pick in the 1984 NBA Draft, 491 games, 6.9 ppg, 4.8 rpg, 1 apg

Most people my age know Jim Petersen as the longtime Timberwolves color commentator. Most forget that the 6’10” St. Louis Park native averaged 5.2 points and 7.2 rebounds in the 1986 NBA Finals for the Houston Rockets alongside Hakeem Olajuwon, losing in six games to the Boston Celtics. Or that he was the fourth member of Run TMC with Golden State. Like most players on this list, Petersen wasn’t the sexiest or flashiest, but he got the job done and was trusted to hold down the fort during some of the biggest games of his career.

18.) Joel Przybilla

High School: Monticello High School, 1998 Co-Mr. Basketball

College: University of Minnesota, 49 games, 9.9 ppg, 6.9 rpg, 3.4 bpg

NBA: Four teams from 2000-13, ninth overall pick in the 2000 NBA Draft, 592 games, 3.9 ppg, 6.2 rpg, 1.4 bpg

Przybilla is the poster boy for what people think Minnesota basketball is. A bunch of seven-foot farm boys who just stand around and block the shit out of any shots around the rim. It’s a miracle he stuck around in the NBA for 13 seasons, but he did mostly play for some pretty bad Bucks and pre-Lillard Trail Blazers teams.

17.) Randy Breuer

High School: Lake City High School, 1979 Mr. Basketball

College: University of Minnesota, 2x First Team All-Big Ten, 119 games, 14.9 games, 6.1 rebounds, 1.5 apg

NBA: Four teams from 1983-94, 18th overall pick in the 1983 NBA Draft, 681 games, 6.8 ppg, 4.4 rpg, 1.1 bpg

Another seven-footer from a small town in Minnesota, Breuer was a force for the Gophers nabbing two First Team All-Big Ten honors before becoming a first round pick. In the NBA he was a key component of the ’80s Bucks teams led by Sidney Moncrief that made the Eastern Conference Finals in 1986.

16.) Kris Humphries

High School: Hopkins High School, 2003 Mr. Basketball

College: University of Minnesota, First Team All-Big Ten, 29 games, 21.7 ppg, 10.1 rpg, 0.7 apg

NBA: Nine teams from 2004-17, 14th overall pick in 2004 NBA Draft, 800 games, 6.7 ppg, 5.4 rpg, 0.7 apg

More famous for his 72 day marriage to Kim Kardashian than his actual basketball career, Humphries was actually kind of good. It seems like he’s been out of the league forever, but he last played for Atlanta during the 2016-17 season, retiring just under four years ago. Anyways, his place in history will always be as the jackass that didn’t get along with Khloe and made yee-haw Minnesota (AKA Lake Minnetonka, the nicest part of the state) a thing people say.

15.) Devean George

High School: Benilde St.-Margaret’s

College: Augsburg University, 2x DIII National Champion, 2x MIAC MVP, 2x DIII All American, 96 games, 25.5 ppg, 9 rpg, 1.6 apg

NBA: Three teams from 1999-2010, 23rd overall pick in the 1999 NBA Draft, 3x NBA Champion, 630 games, 5.6 ppg, 3.1 rpg, 0.9 apg

Deavean George is one of the only DIII players to ever make it in the NBA. He was a beast at Augsburg and a key member of the Shaq/Kobe Lakers dynasty of the early 2000’s.

14.) Troy Bell

High School: Academy of Holy Angels

College: Boston College, 2x Second Team All-American, 3x First Team All-Big East, 2x Big East Player of the Year, 122 games, 21.6 ppg, 4 rpg, 3.5 apg

NBA: Memphis Grizzlies 2003-04, 16th overall pick in 2003 NBA Draft, six games, 1.8 ppg, 0.7 rpg, 0.7 apg

I’m going to be honest, when I set out to do this I had no idea that Troy Bell was from Minnesota. There are Minnesotan’s who didn’t make the list who had way better NBA careers than Bell, but the reason he’s here is because he balled out in college. At Boston College he was a two-time All American, and twice took home the Big East Player of the Year award. You could make the argument that Bell had the best college basketball career of any Minnesotan in history.

13.) Tayler Hill

High School: South High School, 2009 Miss Basketball

College: Ohio State University, 2x First Team All-Big Ten, 3 Big Ten All-Defensive Team, 132 games, 15.2 ppg, 3.9 rpg, 2.6 apg

WNBA: Washington Mystics 2013-18, Dallas Wings 2018-19, 4th overall pick in 2013 WNBA Draft, 145 games, 8.9 ppg, 1.7 rpg, 1.7 apg

His was. two-way force at Ohio State and worked her way into becoming the fourth overall pick. She had a breakout season in 2016 averaging 15.4 points for the Mystics. The one knock is that she’s in a relationship with David Lighty which is unforgivable.

12.) Mark Olberding

High School: Melrose High School

College: University of Minnesota, 26 games, 16 ppg, 8.2 rpg

ABA/NBA: Four teams from 1975-87, 1976 ABA First Team All-Rookie, 946 games, 9.5 ppg, 5.3 rpg, 2.5 apg

Olberding was a solid contributor to the late-’70s/early-’80s Spurs teams and got to play alongside George Gervin, which is pretty cool. In 1979 the Spurs lost game seven to the Washington Bullets in the Eastern Conference Finals, marking the closes he ever got to playing for an NBA Championship.

11.) Whitey Skoog

High School: Brainerd High School

College: University of Minnesota, 2x All-Big Ten, 65 games, 15.2 points

NBA: Minneapolis Lakers 1951-57, 3x NBA Champion, territorial selection in 1951 NBA Draft, 341 games, 8.2 ppg, 3.3 rpg, 2.6 apg

Whitey Skoog is the most ’50s white guy Minnesota basketball name anyone could ever come up with. He won three championships with the Lakers and gets pushed out of the top ten because he rode George Mikan’s coat tails to glory.

10.) Rachel Banham

High School: Lakeville North High School, 2011 Miss Basketball

College: University of Minnesota, 4x All-Big Ten, 2016 Big Ten Player of the Year and First Team All-American, 8th leading scorer in NCAA Division I women’s history, 144 games, 21.5 ppg, 4.7 rpg, 3.6 apg

WNBA: Connecticut Sun 2016-19, Minnesota Lynx 2020, fourth overall pick in 2016 WNBA Draft, 127 games, 4.5 ppg, 1 rpg, 1.2 apg

The Maroon Mamba caught Kobe’s attention after dropping 60 points in a game. The two cultivated a relationship for years to come after words and Banham ended her college career as the second best Gopher Women’s basketball player in history. She’s the 8th leading scorer in NCAAW history and has since had a solid WNBA career.

9.) Khalid El-Amin

High School: Minneapolis North High School, 1997 Mr. Basketball

College: University of Connecticut, 1999 National Champion, 3x All-Big East, 106 games, 15.3 ppg, 3 rpg, 4.4 apg

NBA: Chicago Bulls 2000-01, 50 games, 6.3 ppg, 1.6 rpg, 2.9 apg

Khalid El-Amin is a legend for Minnesota basketball fans growing up in the ’90s. He led Minneapolis North to three straight state titles in 1995, ’96, and ’97. In College Khalid El-Amin led UConn to a National Championship in 1999 as a sophomore. He made wearing super baggy shirts under a basketball jersey cool and along with KG, and the shamed Gopher Final four team that must not be named, were part of a basketball revolution in Minnesota, and made kids like me want to play basketball.

8.) Jalen Suggs

High School: Minnehaha Academy, 2020 Mr. Basketball

College: Gonzaga University, Second Team All-American, First Team All-WCC, 2021 Final Four, 30 games, 14.4 ppg, 5.3rpg, 4.5 apg

Some might say that this is too high for a 19-year-old kid who has one year of college basketball under his belt. To that I say it was a pretty damn good year of college basketball. Suggs is perhaps the Khalid El-Amin for this generation. He led Minnehaha Academy to three straight state titles and was a consensus top-15 recruit who ended up at Gonzaga. Suggs became a household name when he banked in the game winning three against UCLA to send the Zags to the National Championship. Unlike El-Amin, Suggs lost in the title game but does have a brighter NBA outlook. He’s likely to go somewhere between 2-5 in the upcoming NBA draft and is pegged as a budding star for the next decade and a half. If I redo this list in 2035 there’s a good chance Suggs breaks into the top four.

7.) Tyus Jones

High School: Apple Valley High School, 2014 Mr. Basketball

College: Duke University, 2015 National Champion, NCAA Tournament MOP, Third Team All-ACC, 39 games, 11.8 ppg, 3.5 rpg, 5.6 apg

NBA: Minnesota Timberwolves 2015-19, Memphis Grizzlies 2019-21, 24th overall pick in 2015 NBA Draft, 364 games, 5.8 ppg, 1.7 rpg, 3.6 apg

Tyus Stones rises above the likes of Khalid El-Amin and Jalen Suggs because he won the 2015 National Championship with Duke, but mostly because he was named the Tournament’s Most Outstanding Player. Jones turned his one-and-done season into a serviceable NBA career so far as the perfect back-up point guard. He’s still the gold standard for Minnesota men’s point guards until Suggs proves he’s better in the pros.

6.) Coco Miller

High School: Rochester Mayo, 1997 Co-Miss Basketball

College: University of Georgia, 4x All-SEC, 1999 Final Four, 130 games, 16.4 ppg, 3.9 rpg, 3 apg

WNBA: Three teams from 2001-2012, Ninth overall pick in 2001 WNBA Draft, 2002 Most Improved Player, 352 games, 5.8 ppg, 2.1 rpg, 1.4 apg

A dominant player at Georgia and a solid contributor in the WNBA, Coco was just 2% worse than her twin sister.

5.) Kelly Miller

High School: Rochester Mayo, 1997 Co-Miss Basketball

College: University of Georgia, 2x SEC Player of the Year, 4x All-SEC, 1999 Final Four, 131 games, 16.6 ppg, 5.4 rpg, 4.9 apg

WNBA: 7 teams from 2001-2012, Second overall pick in 2001 WNBA Draft, 2007 WNBA Champion, 2004 Most Improved Player, 364 games, 7.1 ppg, 2.8 rpg, 2.6 apg

Gets the nod over Coco because Kelly was the one who was a two-time SEC Player of the Year and the second pick in the draft. She won a championship and had a slightly better overall career than her sister, but this is about as close as it gets for twins in professional sports.

4.) Dick Garmaker

High School: Hibbing High School

College: Hibbing Community College, University of Minnesota, 2 First Team All-Big Ten, 1955 First Team All-American, 44 games, 22.9 ppg, 7.7rpg

NBA: 4x All-Star, 1956-57 Second Team All-NBA, 13.3 ppg, 4.2 rpg, 2.6 apg

If you split everyone on this list into two teams and had those teams play each other, all in their primes, Dick Garmaker would likely get destroyed by some of the players behind him in the rankings. He’s likely not the fourth best actual basketball player, so why is he here. Garmaker is all the way at number four because of what he did in the early days of the NBA. He was a four-time All-Star a made an All-NBA second team in 1957. Garmaker came into the league just after the Minneapolis Lakers won five championships, but he cemented himself as an early great with his all-around game. Garmaker is unbelievably fourth on the list, but (spoilers) only the second best player from Hibbing, Minnesota. Hibbing is pound-for-pound the greatest talent producing city in the world.

3.) Paige Bueckers

High School: Hopkins High School, 2020 Miss Basketball

College: University of Connecticut, 2021 First Team All-American, AP Player of the Year, 2021 Final Four, 29 games, 20 ppg, 4.9 rpg, 5.8 apg

I get it. She just finished her freshman year of college. No championship, no WNBA accolades, just one year making the Final Four. If her career ended today (knock on wood that it doesn’t) Paige Bueckers probably wouldn’t be the third best player ever from Minnesota. But she’s definitely going to end her career at the top of this list. Bet on it. She was the consensus number one recruit in the 2020 class. Bueckers became the first ever freshman to take home the player of the year honors. And if it wasn’t for a stupid rule, she would have been the number one pick in the WNBA draft, and is almost guaranteed that spot when she’s eligible in 2023. When her career comes to an end sometime in the 2030’s she has a chance to be one of the greatest basketball players of all time, male or female.

2.) Kevin McHale

High School: Hibbing High School, 1976 Mr. Basketball

College: University of Minnesota, 1979-80 First-Team All-Big Ten, 112 Games, 15.2 ppg, 8.5 rpg

NBA: Boston Celtics 1980-93, 3rd overall pick in 1980 NBA Draft, Hall of Fame, 3x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 6x All-Defensive, 1986-87 All-NBA First Team, 2x Sixth Man of the Year, 971 games, 17.9 ppg, 7.3 rpg, 1.7 bpg

Most people might be surprised to see Kevin McHale at number two on the list and not at the top. He’s a Hall of Famer, three time NBA Champion, and one of the 50 greatest players in NBA history. A menace on offense and defense, McHale had one of the most diverse assortments of post moves ever seen on the court. He was Larry Bird’s right hand man when battling the Lakers in the ’80s and will always get points for beating the shit out of Kurt Rambis.

All-in-all Mchale had one heck of n NBA career. We went on to both save and then destroy the Timberwolves as a member of the front office. While that doesn’t factor into his demotion to second place, it’s important to note in the history books of Minnesota basketball. McHale has been the gold standard for Minnesota basketball for the last 35 years, but there is one player who finally eclipsed what he accomplished on the court.

1.) Lindsay Whalen

High School: Hutchinson High School

College: University of Minnesota, 3x All-American, 3x All-Big Ten, 2002 Big Ten Player of the Year, 2004 Final Four, 113 games, 20.2 ppg, 4.9 rpg, 5.1 apg

WNBA: Connecticut Sun 2004-09, Minnesota Lynx 2010-18, 4x WNBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 3x All-WNBA First Team, 2x All-WNBA Second Team

Team USA: 2x Gold Medalist (2012, 2016)

Lindsay Whalen is the best basketball player ever from the great state of Minnesota. She’s the greatest Gopher of all time, probably the second greatest player in Lynx history, and anywhere from 10-20 on the list of greatest WNBA players ever. Whalen made women’s basketball appointment viewing in Minnesota in 2004 when she and Janel McCarville led the Gophers to a surprising Final Four berth. She Ranks third all-time in the WNBA in career assists, fifth in games played, 17th in scoring, and seventh in win shares while steering the hometown Lynx to four WNBA Championships. After her playing days were done, Whalen became the head coach at her alma mater, guiding the Gophers to 21 wins in her first season (and only eight in her second, but we don’t talk about that). Whalen has been the face of Minnesota basketball for the better part of the last two decades. Only time will tell if Suggs, Holmgren, or most likely Paige Bueckers will ever get the chance to knock her off the number one spot, but for now let’s marvel at the small town baller turned larger than life figure across these here 10,000 lakes.

NBA Power Rankings According to Keanu Reeves

Strange things are afoot in the NBA. With just a month to go before the play-in games begin, there are still 7-10 most excellent teams with a chance to win the NBA championship, the rest are just dust in the wind dudes. Ii wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be my style. Pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory last forever. Here’s how the immortal Keanu Reeves sees the NBA with a month to go.

1.) Los Angeles Clippers

2.) Phoenix Suns

3.) Utah Jazz

4.) Philadelphia 76ers

5.) Brooklyn Nets

6.) Los Angeles Lakers

7.) Milwaukee Bucks

8.) New York Knicks

9.) Denver Nuggets

10.) Atlanta Hawks

11.) Portland Trail Blazers

12.) Dallas Mavericks

13.) Boston Celtics

14.) Memphis Grizzlies

15.) Miami Heat

16.) Golden State Warriors

17.) San Antonio Spurs

18.) Indiana Pacers

19.) Charlotte Hornets

20.) Toronto Raptors

21.) Washington Wizards

22.) New Orleans Pelicans

23.) Chicago Bulls

24.) Detroit Pistons

25.) Cleveland Cavaliers

26.) Sacramento Kings

27.) Minnesota Timberwolves

28.) Orlando Magic

29.) Houston Rockets

30.) Oklahoma City Thunder

Be excellent to each other and vaya con Dios.

Every NBA Team’s Best Buddy Cop Partnerships

Buddy cop movies are a staple of Hollywood for the last 40 years. Ever since Eddie Murphy teamed up with Nick Nolte in 48 Hours in 1982 there have been hundreds of takes on the buddy cop dynamic. Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Bad Boys, and even Zootopia (yes Disney got in on the buddy cop game) are some of the most beloved and commercially successful movies of all-time. The key to a great buddy cop duo is that they have to be wildly different personalities. The old curmudgeon paired with the young, slightly insane wildcard (Danny Glover and Mel Gibson), or the action hero alongside the average donut eating family-man (Bruce Willis and Reginald VelJohnson), or the playboy and the wisecracking sidekick (Will Smith and Martin Lawrence). Much like an NBA team, a buddy cop film is only as good as it’s leads. This exercise isn’t just about identifying the two best players on each team and trying to pigeon hole them into a role, but finding the best pair of teammates that would drive an exciting, thoughtful, and most importantly funny cop movie with as wild a plot as possible. Also there’s no copaganda going on here or in the NBA so this list will feature a whole lot of bad cops or at least cops who are bad at their jobs (Mo Bamba).

Atlanta Hawks: John Collins and Trae Young

These two allegedly don’t get along very well, which is a perfect buddy cop movie trope. Trae wants to control the squad but John thinks it is harmful to his image as a “hero cop”. The two figure out their differences and we all find out that it was actually their captain who was the problem the whole time.

Movie title: Young Guns

Boston Celtics: Tacko Fall and Robert Williams

This is my favorite buddy cop movie pairing the NBA has to offer and is the reason why I even wrote this damn thing. This would basically be the movie The Other Guys with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg except Ferrell is 7’5″ and Wahlberg’s nickname is the Time Lord. Tacko and the Time Lord run around Boston solving crimes across time hanging out with the like of Paul Revere, Samuel Adams, and Ted Williams while trying to prove that they are indeed good timecops.

Movie title: Tacko and the Time Lord

Brooklyn Nets: James Harden and Blake Griffin

An indie movie adapted from a play that takes place entirely inside a strip club. Two undercover cops stake out the strip club to find out who kidnapped Kyrie Irving for his birthday? Harden goes full Serpico and is downing day-old strip club hot dogs left and right while Blake Griffin reveals the whole thing was a prank on some online pranksters (I don’t care if that’s already a show he’s hosting).

Movie title: Snake and Blake

Charlotte Hornets: LaMelo Ball and Gordon Hayward

LaMelo is the young hotshot while Hayward the grizzled vet who don’t get along at first, but then bond after they both go through traumatic ankle injuries.

Movie title: Ankle Breakers

Chicago Bulls: Zach LaVine and Coby White

We all know the Bulls are back, but how did they get back? A story of redemption as we follow two young misfits and their incredible journey to finally breakout and be the most mediocre cops they can be.

Movie title: BAB: Bulls Are Back

Cleveland Cavaliers: Collin Sexton and Darius Garland

A simple tale of two hotshot ’70s disco/sex cops who sex it up in…Cleveland, Ohio. At least they have a bangin’ theme song.

Movie title: Sexland

Dallas Mavericks: Luka Doncic and Boban Marjanovic

A gritty European noir film sees Luka and Boban infiltrate a Eastern European drug cartel and find out there is indeed trouble in the Balkans! Little does Luka know his beloved partner Bobi is actually his assassin character from John Wick 3 and is working for our Balkan kingpin. Oh baby but then the real twist is Luka is John Wicks long lost son, Luka DonWick, and he goes full Keanu on everyone’s asses.

Movie title: Luka DonWick

Denver Nuggets: Bol Bol and Facundo Campazzo

Bol Bol is 7’2″ and Facundo is 5’10”. This movie writes itself. It’s Twins but they’re cops.

Movie title: Twin Cops

Detroit Pistons: Killian Hayes and Sekou Doumbouya

What if the French Connection took place in Detroit? The two young frenchmen have not played well at all for the Pistons, but hey was Popeye Doyle actually a good cop?

Movie title: The French Connection 2: Motor City Madness

Golden State Warriors: Draymond Green and James Wiseman

Just two hours of Draymond yelling at Wiseman until Wiseman breaks bad and leaves Draymond for dead with a gang of players the Warriors beat for their three championships led by LeBron James in a reverse Training Day situation.

Movie title: The Wise Man

Houston Rockets: Kenyon Martin Jr. and Kevin Porter Jr.

Both of their dads were (somewhat) controversial cops and now they’re on the force to restore the family name. The problem is, they’re assholes too (kind of).

Movie title: Jr. Force

Indiana Pacers: Domantas Sabonis and Myles Turner

They’re the poster boys for being an good not great cop. They don’t kill any unarmed people which is nice but they also don’t prevent or solve any actual crimes.

Movie title: The Poster Boys

Los Angeles Clippers: Lou Williams and Patrick Beverly

How many of these can take place in a strip club? This one has it all: Strippers, suspensions, playoff collapses, and a whole lot of chicken wings.

Movie title: Magic City

Los Angeles Lakers: LeBron James and Kyle Kuzma

A legendary cop who is seen as a hero across the country teams up with some douche with bleached blonde hair and somehow dates instagram models even though he kind of sucks. LeBron eventually tires of Kuzma’s antics and being terrible and decides to team up with cartoon characters instead, tough beat for Kuz.

Movie title: Space Jam 3

Memphis Grizzlies: Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson Jr.

Two guys with a lot of J’s in their name (and on the court).

Movie title: J Squad

Miami Heat: Jimmy Butler and Tyler Herro

Very similar to the Lakers pairing of LeBron and Kuzma. In this movie Butler is the veteran cop, perhaps a war hero that works hard but rubs people the wrong way. He’s paired with Herro the young instagram influencer who has a rap song named after him. They team up Miami Vice style to take down Pat Riley’s and his criminal organization only to find out that Riley is just a pawn and it goes all the way to the top of the NBA…Adam Silver!

Movie title: Working Hard and Being the Man

Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis and Thanasis Antetokounmpo

Bad boys but it’s in Greece and the boys are actually pretty nice and they help a lot of people and are generally happy about their lives. Another bangin’ theme song.

Movie title: Nice Greek Boys

Minnesota Timberwolves: Anthony Edwards and Ricky Rubio

It’s like Point Break but if Keanu and Swayze stayed friends the whole time. Edwards is the hotshot athletic FBI agent while Rubio the care-free hippie surfer who may or may not still rob banks, but this time Edwards is just kind of ok with it and they go sky diving together to strengthen their friendship instead of trying to throw Edwards out of a plane without a parachute. Glen Taylor is Gary Busey, not in this movie, just in real life.

Movie title: Point Break 2: Friends Forever

New Orleans Pelicans: Zion Williamson and Lonzo Ball

Two of the best young cops in the city have to take down Lonzo’s dad when they find out he built and empire on making counterfeit shoes.

Movie title: Big Baller Boys

New York Knicks: Julius Randle and Derrick Rose

In the vein of Die Hard with a Vengeance, Randle and Rose team up and run around NYC to stop evil James Dolan from destroying the Knicks.

Movie title: Die Hard and Ban Dolan

Oklahoma City Thunder: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Lu Dort

As two of the best Canadian NBA players, Shai and Dort are called back to the motherland when all of the Mounties vanish leaving Niagara Falls unprotected. Shai and Dort save Canada from tourists in a climax that sees Dort defending Canada by flailing his hands in everyone’s face to distract them while Shai sends them over the falls in a giant barrel.

Movie title: Canadian Thunder

Orlando Magic: Markelle Fultz and Mo Bamba

Two once heralded cops are down on their luck after flunking out of the police academy. Can they regain their respect and restore order in a backwards southern town?

Movie title: Bamba Number 5

Philadelphia 76ers: Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons

The whole premise revolves around a young up and coming cop who refuses to shoot, ever (Ben Simmons, Obviously). His partner (Embiid) is kind of an asshole and always getting them into trouble, but Simmons has his own way of dealing with bad guys. Instead of shooting them he gets really into Kung-Fu and kicks the shit out of the rest of the league.

Movie title: The Process Kicks Ass

Phoenix Suns: Chris Paul and Devin Booker

One cop is on his last chance to really make a difference why the other is on his way to superstardom. Can they figure out their chemistry issues before the evil Lakers take over and destroy them before they can figure out how to bring peace to Phoenix for the first time in more than a decade?

Movie title: Phoenix Rising

Portland Trail Blazers: Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum

The exact opposite of the 76ers, Dame and CJ just spend two hours shooting everyone and everything in their line of sight. It’s really problematic, probably funded by Ted Cruz.

Movie title: The Second Amendment

Sacramento Kings: Hassan Whiteside and Marvin Bagley III

Two of the most overrated cops on the force just won’t stop complaining about their jobs so much that their dads have to step in and complain about their jobs some more. Probably not going to make a lot of money.

Movie title: Daddy’s Boys

San Antonio Spurs: DeMar DeRozan and Patty Mills

Not much to say about it, pretty boring but gets the job done. Basically the Other Guys but instead of Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg it’s like Josh Duhamel and Beck Bennett.

Movie title: The Normal Guys

Toronto Raptors: Fred VanVleet and OG Anunoby

A new age Homes and Watson terrorize Toronto in search of Serge Ibaka’s scarves that he left behind. No Dunks’ podcasters J.E. Skeets and Tas Melas help out along the way until they find their arch nemesis: No Dunks producer Jason (J.D.) Doyle, who is discovered to be a descendant of Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes. J.D. sends Fred and OG a cease and desist letter to stop using the Sherlock Holmes trademark and drags them into an endless court case that for whatever reason the two Raptors don’t give up immediately. They eventually agree to call themselves Tango and Cash so J.D. leaves them alone and all is right with the world.

Movie title: Tango and Cash

Utah Jazz: Rudy Gobert and Joe Ingles

Basically Lethal Weapon if Murtaugh was more of a dick and French (same thing) and Riggs was actually a helpful cop who makes the squad better. They have to discover what or who actually started the COVID pandemic and was it an inside job?

Movie title: Lethal Weapon 5?: Global Outbreak

Washington Wizards: Russell Westbrook and Robin Lopez

Somebody is beating the shit out of mascots all across the city. Two cops have 72 hours to find the criminal before he assaults again. But what happens when Russell Westbrook finds out that his partner is the key suspect in this horrifying case?

Movie title: The Silence of the Mascots