Have you ever been watching basketball this season and thought you knew what was going to happen and all of a sudden Ja Morant is an MVP candidate and the Grizzlies are a legitimate title contender? And then when you predict the Lakers to beat the Nets in the NBA Finals before the season starts and now Kyrie Irving refuses to get vaccinated, Kevin Durant gets hurt, and James Harden gets traded while LeBron James has to deal with whatever Russell Westbrook thinks he’s doing and Anthony Davis keeps getting hurt and both teams might not even make the playoffs? Has that ever happened to you? And then you watch Andrew Wiggins stand in the corner at Target Center for six and a half years and then get traded to Golden State and become a-two-way All-Star and might win a championship and everyone forgot that they hated him when he played for the Timberwolves and now they love him because he plays for a popular team. And then the Timberwolves are better than they ever were with Andrew Wiggins but nobody cares because they don’t watch the games and still hate D’Angelo Russell but he’s actually good and plays defense but all anyone talks about is Anthony Edwards. And then everyone starts comparing Jarred Vanderbilt to a young Dennis Rodman and it catches on and his teammates bring it up but you started it and nobody cares because nobody reads this blog. Has that ever happened to you?
The three American people who are actually going to read this may not know what Peep Show is, but this is for the two British people who will see this. In what is essentially British Always Sunny except PeepShow makes British people more likable than they really are. It’s also created by Jesse Armstrong, who also created Succession, and it’s kind of the opposite of Succession. Poor 30-something white guys living in Croydon is about as far from Succession’s Manhattan billionaires as possible. As a now 30-something white man who lives in a tower block in East London, I can relate to the unrelenting slog of life that Mark and Jez are trying to get through. In the NBA, it’s the equivalent of being a Timberwolves fan. Everything sucks but hey, you’re not the worst person in the world, yet.
We’re a quarter of the way through the 2021-22 NBA season and like any good business, teams are evolving before our eyes. The Warriors’ stock is back to pre-Durant levels, the Suns can’t fucking lose, while the Lakers are just trying to survive the next shareholders meeting. But the fun thing about the NBA is that anything can happen over the next 60-plus games. Teams that have a hot first can still find themselves tanking at the season’s end, middling teams can get hot down the stretch, and injuries can and will wreak havoc on a team’s bottom line. As the calendar flips to December it’s time to buckle down, consolidate power, and for some, it might be time for a blood sacrifice to scrape their way into the play-in tournament.
All great teams need a great coach. To round out our mega-draft we decided to draft 30 legendary coaches, one for each team. We went in reverse order so Michael Jordan doesn’t get everything he wants.
Pick 1: San Antonio Spurs (John): Phil Jackson
Stats: 11 NBA Championships, 1155 Wins
The greatest coach of all time to everyone except Scottie Pippen.
Pick 2: New York Knicks (Phil): Gregg Popovich
Stats: 5 NBA Championships, 1310 Wins
Reigned over the Spurs dynasty for 20 years but hasn’t done much without Tim Duncan.
Pick 3: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Pat Riley
Stats: 5 NBA Championships, 1210 Wins
The true sex appeal of the showtime Lakers in the ’80s.
Pick 4: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Red Auerbach
Stats: 9 NBA Championships, 938 Wins
The Lakers getting the Celtics legend who tormented them 50 years ago is a perfect pick.
Pick 5: Orlando Magic (John): Chuck Daly
Stats: 2 NBA Championships, 638 Wins
Won with the Bad Boy Pistons, he can handle Iverson and Harden.
Pick 6: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Steve Kerr
Stats: 3 NBA Championships, 376 Wins
Leader of the Warriors dynasty walked into a championship team.
Pick 7: Atlanta Hawks (John): George Karl
Stats: 1 Western Conference Championship, 1175 Wins
One of the best coaches to never win a championship.
Pick 8: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): John Kundla
Stats: 4 NBA Championships (1 BAA Championship), 423 Wins
Won five championships before your parents were born.
Pick 9: Los Angeles Clippers (John): K.C. Jones
Stats: 2 NBA Championships, 553 Wins
Led arguably the greatest team ever with the 1986 Celtics, so he knows how to coach a super team.
Pick 10: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Erik Spoelstra
Stats: 2 NBA Championships, 607 Wins
Arguably the most underrated coach ever thanks to LeBron.
Pick 11: Brooklyn Nets (John): Don Nelson
Stats: 0 NBA Championships, 1335 Wins
Uncle Donny is going to start his own grow house on the sidelines of the Barclays Center.
Pick 12: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Larry Brown
Stats: 1 NBA Championship, 1327 Wins
KG is probably going to go full Sprewell and choke the shit out of Larry Brown, and he’ll be out in two years.
Pick 13: Chicago Bulls (John): Lenny Wilkens
Stats: 1 NBA Championship, 1332 Wins
A better coach than a player, and he’s a Hall of Fame player.
Pick 14: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Billy Cunningham
Stats: 1 NBA Championship, 454 Wins
See Lenny Wilkens.
Pick 15: Dallas Mavericks (John): Red Holzman
Stats: 2 NBA Championships, 696 Wins
Mark Cuban is going to love having a coach who doesn’t know what crypto is.
Pick 16: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Jerry Sloan
Stats: 2 Western Conference Championships, 1221 Wins
With Sloan the Warriors will get as close to a championship as a team can without ever actually winning one.
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA (1x All-BAA), Hall of Fame
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry, Zion Williamson, Otis Birdsong, Jrue Holiday, Antonio McDyess, Peja Stojakovic, Dan Roundfield
Pick 362: Miami Heat (John): Cazzie Russell
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Bill Cunningham, Fat Lever, Rudy Tomjanovich, Latrell Sprewell, Kevin Willis, Jerry Sloan, Nick Van Exel, Purvis Short
Pick 363: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Frank Ramsey
Stats: 7x NBA Champion, Hall of Fame
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward, Rik Smits, Hersey Hawkins, Andrew Bynum, Sidney Wicks
Pick 364: Utah Jazz (John): Jamal Murray
Stats: 2016-17 All-Rookie
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton, Larry Nance, Gus Williams, Larry Johnson, David Lee, Bill Bradley, Charlie Scott
Pick 365: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Larry Kenon
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 2x NBA All-Star (3x ABA)
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones, Rich Guerin, Larry Foust, Derek Harper, Andrei Kirilenko, Dell Curry, Bob Rule
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing, LaMarcus Aldridge, Stephon Marbury, Alvin Robertson, Vin Baker, Rashard Lewis, Kenny Anderson, Carlos Boozer, Corey Maggette
Pick 367: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Tom Sanders
Stats: 8x NBA Champion, 1x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens, Joe Johnson, Draymond Green, DeMarcus Cousins, Rod Strickland, Terry Cummings, Fred Brown, A.C. Green, Hot Rod Williams, Danny Ainge
Pick 368: Minnesota Timberwolves (John): Michael Adams
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton, Alex English, Shawn Kemp, Walter Davis, Baron Davis, David West, Michael Redd, Mark Eaton, Xavier McDaniel, Danny Granger, Caron Butler
Pick 369: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Campy Russell
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Shaq, Paul Pierce, Manu Ginobili, Kevin Johnson, Tom Chambers, Deron Williams, Gus Johnson, CJ McCollum, Andre Drummond, Kelly Tripucka, Bam Adebayo, J.J Redick
Pick 370: Houston Rockets (John): Rony Seikaly
Stats: 1989-90 Most Improved
Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady, Grant Hill, Lenny Wilkens, Marc Gasol, Drazen Petrovich, Norm Nixon, Zach Randolph, Andrew Toney, Serge Ibaka, Clifford Robinson, Jamal Mashburn
Pick 371: Boston Celtics (Phil): Truck Robinson
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Kobe Bryant, Dominique Wilkins, Dikembe Mutombo, Penny Hardaway, Bobby Jones, George McGinnis, Ben Simmons, Dale Ellis, Byron Scott, Otis Thorpe, Ja Morant, Nick Anderson
Pick 372: Detroit Pistons (John): Jonas Valanciunas
Stats: 2021-13 All-Rookie
Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed, Luka Doncic, Kyle Lowry, DeMar DeRozan, Mark Jackson, Jermaine O’Neal, Jeff Hornacek, Vlade Divac, Victor Oladipo, Slater Martin, Rudy Gay
Pick 373: Washington Wizards (Phil): Happy Hairston
Stats: 1x NBA Champion
Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin, Wes Unseld, Chris Bosh, Paul Arizin, Neil Johnston, Lou Hudson, Tyson Chandler, Michael Finley, Mike Bibby, Shane Battier, Danny Manning
Pick 374: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Don Ohl
Stats: 5x All-Star
Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller, Pau Gasol, Blake Griffin, Maurice Cheeks, Karl-Anthony Towns, Terry Porter, Allan Houston, Lou Williams, Paul Millsap, Ricky Pierce, Orlando Woolridge
Pick 375: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Phil Ford
Stats: 1x All-NBA, 1978-79 ROY
Teammate: Steph Curry, Rick Barry, Dwight Howard, Tom Heinsohn, Jimmy Butler, Maurice Lucas, Michael Cooper, Donovan Mitchell, Andrew Bogut, John Drew, Bill Cartwright, Alvan Adams
Pick 376: Dallas Mavericks (John): John Starks
Stats: 1x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive
Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes, Adrian Dantley, Joel Embiid, Jo Jo White, Glenn Robinson, Mike Conley, Sean Elliot, Darryl Dawkins, Kenny Smith, Goran Dragic, Christian Laettner
Pick 377: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Bill Bridges
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star, 2x All-Defensive
Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier, Pete Maravich, Nikola Jokic, Jack Twyman, Detlef Schrempf, Mark Aguirre, Ron Harper, Clyde Lovellette, Reggie Theus, Tom Gola, Eddie Johnson
Pick 378: Chicago Bulls (John): Larry Costello
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones, Walt Bellamy, Jack Sikma, Jason Terry, Maurice Stokes, Louie Dampier, Brandon Ingram, Brook Lopez, Harry Gallatin, Eddie Johnson part 2
Pick 379: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Randy Smith
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Bob Lanier, Tim Hardaway Sr., Chet Walker, Andre Igoudala, Sam Cassell, DeAndre Jordan, Lamar Odom, Steve Smith, Jaylen Brown, Josh Smith
Pick 380: Brooklyn Nets (John): Monta Ellis
Stats: 2006-07 Most Improved
Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton, David Thompson, Connie Hawkins, Paul Westphal, Rudy Gobert, Mookie Blaylock, Dan Majerle, Terrell Brandon, Al Jefferson, Jeff Malone, Tobias Harris
Pick 381: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Kyle Korver
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Artis Gilmore, Mitch Richmond, Bailey Howell, Rolando Blackman, Joakim Noah, Norm Van Lier, Cedric Maxwell, Zach LaVine, Toni Kukoc, P.J. Brown
Pick 382: Los Angeles Clippers (John): K.C. Jones
Stats: 8x NBA Champion, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan, Hal Greer, Jerry Lucas, Jamaal Wilkes, Cliff Hagan, Jamal Crawford, Zelmo Beaty, Wayne Embry, Doc Rivers, Paul Silas, Gene Shue
Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton, Tiny Archibald, Dolph Schayes, Bradley Beal, Elton Brand, World B. Free, Marcus Camby, George Yardley, Steve Francis, Joe Barry Carroll, Isaiah Thomas
Pick 384: Atlanta Hawks (John): Sam Perkins
Stats: 1984-85 All-Rookie
Teammates: Dwyane Wade, Anthony Davis, Chris Webber, Chauncey Billups, Brandon Roy, John Wall, Horace Grant, Khris Middleton, Nikola Vucevic, Shareef Abdur-Raheem, De’Aaron Fox, Tom Gugliotta
Pick 385: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Kevin Porter
Stats: 4x Assist Champ
Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit, Derrick Rose, Bill Sharman, Ben Wallace, Vern Mikkelsen, Jayson Tatum, Bob Love, Trae Young, Richard Jefferson, Red Kerr, Arnie Risen
Pick 386: Orlando Magic (John): Guy Rodgers
Stats: 4x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden, Carmelo Anthony, Dave DeBusschere, Ralph Sampson, Gilbert Arenas, Buck Williams, Tayshaun Prince, Bruce Bowen, Derrick Coleman, Kenyon Martin, Tony Allen
Pick 387: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Kristaps Porzingis
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale, Kyrie Irving, Sindney Moncrief, Arvydas Sabonis, Rajon Rondo, Mel Daniels, Devin Booker, Dick Van Arsdale, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Domantas Sabonis, Luol Deng
Pick 388: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Bobby Wanzer
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Isiah Thomas, Scottie Pippen, Nate Thurmond, Joe Dumars, Bill Laimbeer, Rasheed Wallace, Micheal Ray Richardson, Ron Artest, Doug Collins, Dick Barnett, Juwan Howard, Jalen Rose
Pick 389: New York Knicks (Phil): Geoff Petrie
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1970-71 ROY
Teammates: Giannis, Steve Nash, Klay Thompson, Paul George, Brad Daugherty, Ed Macauley, Kiki Vandeweghe, Calvin Murphy, Antoine Walker, Anthony Mason, Swen Nater, Julius Randle
Pick 390: San Antonio Spurs (John): Gerald Wallace
Stats: 1x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive
Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin, Amar’e Stoudemire, Marques Johnson, Antawn Jamison, Andre Miller, Charles Oakley, Jerry Stackhouse, Mychal Thompson, Sleepy Floyd, Reggie Lewis
Round 14: I Swear it’s Almost Over
Pick 391: San Antonio Spurs (John): Jason Richardson
Stats: 2001-02 All-Rookie
Teammates: See round 13
Pick 392: New York Knicks (Phil): Steve Kerr
Stats: 5x NBA Champion
Pick 393: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Roy Tarpley
Stats: 1987-88 Sixth Man
Pick 394: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Junior Bridgeman
Stats:
Pick 395: Orlando Magic (John): Jason Williams
Stats: 1x NBA Champion
Pick 396: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Rudy LaRusso
Stats: 5x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive
Pick 397: Atlanta Hawks (John): Joe Caldwell
Stats: 2x NBA All-Star (2x ABA), 1x All-ABA, 1x All-Defensive
Pick 398: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Andy Phillip
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Pick 399: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Willie Naulls
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star
Pick 400: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Muggsy Bogues
Stats:
Pick 401: Brooklyn Nets (John): Scott Wedman
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive
Pick 402: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Shai Gilgeous-Alexander
Stats: 2018-19 All-Rookie
Pick 403: Chicago Bulls (John): Austin Carr
Stats: 1x All-Star
Pick 404: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Dale Davis
Stats: 1x All-Star
Pick 405: Dallas Mavericks (John): Tom Van Arsdale
Stats: 3x All-Star
Pick 406: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Al Attles
Stats: Hall of Fame
Pick 407: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Andrew Wiggins
Stats: 2014-15 ROY
Pick 408: Washington Wizards (Phil): Lucius Allen
Stats: 1x NBA Champion
Pick 409: Detroit Pistons (John): Archie Clark
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Pick 410: Boston Celtics (Phil): Clint Capela
Stats: 1x Rebound Champ
Pick 411: Houston Rockets (John): Dick McGuire
Stats: 7x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Pick 412: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Pascal Siakam
Stats: 1x BAA Champion, 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA (3x All-BAA), 1x Scoring Champion, Hall of Fame
Pick 417: Utah Jazz (John): Caldwell Jones
Stats: 1x All-Star, 2x All-Defensive
Pick 418: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Bob Boozer
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star
Pick 419: Miami Heat (John): Jeff Mullins
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star
Pick 420: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Brian Winters
Stats: 2x All-Star
Round 15: It’s Finally Over
Pick 421: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Nene
Stats: 2002-03 All-Rookie
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry, Zion Williamson, Otis Birdsong, Jrue Holiday, Antonio McDyess, Peja Stojakovic, Dan Roundfield, Carl Braun, Dan Roundfield
Pick 422: Miami Heat (John): Walter Dukes
Stats: 2x All-Star
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Bill Cunningham, Fat Lever, Rudy Tomjanovich, Latrell Sprewell, Kevin Willis, Jerry Sloan, Nick Van Exel, Purvis Short, Cazzie Russell, Jeff Mullins
Pick 423: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Dennis Scott
Stats: 1990-91 All-Rookie
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward, Rik Smits, Hersey Hawkins, Andrew Bynum, Sidney Wicks, Frank Ramsey, Bob Boozer
Pick 424: Utah Jazz (John): Billy Knight
Stats: 2x NBA All-STar (1x ABA), 1x All-ABA
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton, Larry Nance, Gus Williams, Larry Johnson, David Lee, Bill Bradley, Charlie Scott, Jamal Murray, Caldwell Jones
Pick 425: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Jimmy Jones
Stats: 6x ABA All-Star, 3x All-ABA
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones, Rich Guerin, Larry Foust, Derek Harper, Andrei Kirilenko, Dell Curry, Bob Rule, Larry Kenon, Joe Fulks
Pick 426: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Calvin Natt
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing, LaMarcus Aldridge, Stephon Marbury, Alvin Robertson, Vin Baker, Rashard Lewis, Kenny Anderson, Carlos Boozer, Corey Maggette, Darrell Griffith, Keith Van Horn
Pick 427: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Roger Brown
Stats: 3x ABA Champion, 4x ABA All-Star, 3x All-ABA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens, Joe Johnson, Draymond Green, DeMarcus Cousins, Rod Strickland, Terry Cummings, Fred Brown, A.C. Green, Hot Rod Williams, Danny Ainge, Tom Sanders, Mike Mitchell
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton, Alex English, Shawn Kemp, Walter Davis, Baron Davis, David West, Michael Redd, Mark Eaton, Xavier McDaniel, Danny Granger, Caron Butler, Michael Adams, Cedric Ceballos
Pick 429: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Derek Fisher
Stats: 5x NBA Champion
Teammates: Shaq, Paul Pierce, Manu Ginobili, Kevin Johnson, Tom Chambers, Deron Williams, Gus Johnson, CJ McCollum, Andre Drummond, Kelly Tripucka, Bam Adebayo, J.J Redick, Campy Russell, Pascal Siakam
Pick 430: Houston Rockets (John): Jimmy Walker
Stats: 2x All-Star
Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady, Grant Hill, Lenny Wilkens, Marc Gasol, Drazen Petrovich, Norm Nixon, Zach Randolph, Andrew Toney, Serge Ibaka, Clifford Robinson, Jamal Mashburn, Rony Seikaly, Dick McGuire
Pick 431: Boston Celtics (Phil): Johnny Green
Stats: 4x All-Star
Teammates: Kobe Bryant, Dominique Wilkins, Dikembe Mutombo, Penny Hardaway, Bobby Jones, George McGinnis, Ben Simmons, Dale Ellis, Byron Scott, Otis Thorpe, Ja Morant, Nick Anderson, Truck Robinson, Clint Capela
Pick 432: Detroit Pistons (John): Ray Williams
Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed, Luka Doncic, Kyle Lowry, DeMar DeRozan, Mark Jackson, Jermaine O’Neal, Jeff Hornacek, Vlade Divac, Victor Oladipo, Slater Martin, Rudy Gay, Jonas Valancunias, Archie Clark
Pick 433: Washington Wizards (Phil): Jeff Ruland
Stats: 2x All-Star
Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin, Wes Unseld, Chris Bosh, Paul Arizin, Neil Johnston, Lou Hudson, Tyson Chandler, Michael Finley, Mike Bibby, Shane Battier, Danny Manning, Happy Hairston, Lucius Allen
Pick 434: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Jim Pollard
Stats: 4x BAA/NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 3x All-NBA (1x All-BAA), Hall of Fame
Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller, Pau Gasol, Blake Griffin, Maurice Cheeks, Karl-Anthony Towns, Terry Porter, Allan Houston, Lou Williams, Paul Millsap, Ricky Pierce, Orlando Woolridge, Don Ohl, Andrew Wiggins
Pick 435: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Mack Calvin
Stats: 5x ABA All-Star, 4x All-ABA
Teammate: Steph Curry, Rick Barry, Dwight Howard, Tom Heinsohn, Jimmy Butler, Maurice Lucas, Michael Cooper, Donovan Mitchell, Andrew Bogut, John Drew, Bill Cartwright, Alvan Adams, Phil Ford, Al Attles
Pick 436: Dallas Mavericks (John): Don Nelson
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes, Adrian Dantley, Joel Embiid, Jo Jo White, Glenn Robinson, Mike Conley, Sean Elliot, Darryl Dawkins, Kenny Smith, Goran Dragic, Christian Laettner, John Starks, Tom Van Arsdale
Pick 437: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Phil Chenier
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier, Pete Maravich, Nikola Jokic, Jack Twyman, Detlef Schrempf, Mark Aguirre, Ron Harper, Clyde Lovellette, Reggie Theus, Tom Gola, Eddie Johnson, Bill Bridges, Dale Davis
Pick 438: Chicago Bulls (John): Ray Scott
Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones, Walt Bellamy, Jack Sikma, Jason Terry, Maurice Stokes, Louie Dampier, Brandon Ingram, Brook Lopez, Harry Gallatin, Eddie Johnson part 2, Larry Costello, Austin Carr
Pick 439: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Donnie Freeman
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 5x ABA All-Star, 4x All-ABA
Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Bob Lanier, Tim Hardaway Sr., Chet Walker, Andre Igoudala, Sam Cassell, DeAndre Jordan, Lamar Odom, Steve Smith, Jaylen Brown, Josh Smith, Randy Smith, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander
Pick 440: Brooklyn Nets (John): Vinnie Johnson
Stats: 2x NBA Champion
Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton, David Thompson, Connie Hawkins, Paul Westphal, Rudy Gobert, Mookie Blaylock, Dan Majerle, Terrell Brandon, Al Jefferson, Jeff Malone, Tobias Harris, Monta Ellis, Scott Wedman
Pick 441: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Jim Paxson
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Artis Gilmore, Mitch Richmond, Bailey Howell, Rolando Blackman, Joakim Noah, Norm Van Lier, Cedric Maxwell, Zach LaVine, Toni Kukoc, P.J. Brown, Kyle Korver, Muggsy Bogues
Pick 442: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Eric Gordon
Stats: 2016-17 Sixth Man
Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan, Hal Greer, Jerry Lucas, Jamaal Wilkes, Cliff Hagan, Jamal Crawford, Zelmo Beaty, Wayne Embry, Doc Rivers, Paul Silas, Gene Shue, K.C. Jones, Willie Naulls
Pick 443: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Alex Groza
Stats: 1x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1949-50 ROY
Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton, Tiny Archibald, Dolph Schayes, Bradley Beal, Elton Brand, World B. Free, Marcus Camby, George Yardley, Steve Francis, Joe Barry Carroll, Isaiah Thomas, Wally Szczerbiak, Andy Phillip
Pick 444: Atlanta Hawks (John): Ben Gordon
Stats: 2004-05 Sixth Man
Teammates: Dwyane Wade, Anthony Davis, Chris Webber, Chauncey Billups, Brandon Roy, John Wall, Horace Grant, Khris Middleton, Nikola Vucevic, Shareef Abdur-Raheem, De’Aaron Fox, Tom Gugliotta, Sam Perkins, Joe Caldwell
Pick 445: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Red Rocha
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star
Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit, Derrick Rose, Bill Sharman, Ben Wallace, Vern Mikkelsen, Jayson Tatum, Bob Love, Trae Young, Richard Jefferson, Red Kerr, Arnie Risen, Kevin Porter, Rudy LaRusso
Pick 446: Orlando Magic (John): Cliff Robinson
Stats: Not Clifford Robinson
Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden, Carmelo Anthony, Dave DeBusschere, Ralph Sampson, Gilbert Arenas, Buck Williams, Tayshaun Prince, Bruce Bowen, Derrick Coleman, Kenyon Martin, Tony Allen, Guy Rodgers, Jason Williams
Pick 447: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Danilo Gallinari
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale, Kyrie Irving, Sindney Moncrief, Arvydas Sabonis, Rajon Rondo, Mel Daniels, Devin Booker, Dick Van Arsdale, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Domantas Sabonis, Luol Deng, Kristaps Porzingis, Junior Bridgeman
Pick 448: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Stephen Jackson
Stats: 1x NBA Champion
Teammates: Isiah Thomas, Scottie Pippen, Nate Thurmond, Joe Dumars, Bill Laimbeer, Rasheed Wallace, Micheal Ray Richardson, Ron Artest, Doug Collins, Dick Barnett, Juwan Howard, Jalen Rose, Bobby Wanzer, Roy Tarpley
Pick 449: New York Knicks (Phil): Sam Mitchell
Stats: The greatest player ever
Teammates: Giannis, Steve Nash, Klay Thompson, Paul George, Brad Daugherty, Ed Macauley, Kiki Vandeweghe, Calvin Murphy, Antoine Walker, Anthony Mason, Swen Nater, Julius Randle, Geoff Petrie, Steve Kerr
Pick 450: San Antonio Spurs (John): Malik Sealy
Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin, Amar’e Stoudemire, Marques Johnson, Antawn Jamison, Andre Miller, Charles Oakley, Jerry Stackhouse, Mychal Thompson, Sleepy Floyd, Reggie Lewis, Gerald Wallace, Jason Richardson
It’s been a weird start to the NBA’s 75th season, almost as weird as an American football coach making his way to the English Premier League. The Ben Simmons saga, Kyrie Irving’s flat galaxy brain, and the Minnesota Timberwolves are the most fun basketball team of all time. It’s hard to judge how good a team actually is when every team has played either two or three games, but it’s time for overreactions six days into the new season. Are the Lakers going to miss the playoffs? Will Karl-Anthony Towns and Anthony Edwards share the MVP award, and can the Thunder actually go 0-82. What better way to sum up the warm feeling we all get when the NBA returns and the internal rage at some of the early storylines that have nothing to do with basketball than the Legend Roy Kent. Because just like Ben Simmons trade rumors (and Covid), he’s here, he’s there, he’s every fucking where.
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry, Zion Williamson, Otis Birdsong, Jrue Holiday, Antonio McDyess
Pick 302: Miami Heat (John): Nick Van Exel
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Bill Cunningham, Fat Lever, Rudy Tomjanovich, Latrell Sprewell, Kevin Willis, Jerry Sloan
Pick 303: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Andrew Bynum
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward, Rik Smits, Hersey Hawkins
Pick 304: Utah Jazz (John): Bill Bradley
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton, Larry Nance, Gus Williams, Larry Johnson, David Leed
Pick 305: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Dell Curry
Stats: 1x Sixth Man
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones, Rich Guerin, Larry Foust, Derek Harper, Andrei Kirilenko
Pick 306: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Carlos Boozer
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing, LaMarcus Aldridge, Stephon Marbury, Alvin Robertson, Vin Baker, Rashard Lewis, Kenny Anderson
Pick 307: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Hot Rod Williams
Stats: Dope Nickname
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens, Joe Johnson, Draymond Green, DeMarcus Cousins, Rod Strickland, Terry Cummings, Fred Brown, A.C. Green
Pick 308: Minnesota Timberwolves (John): Danny Granger
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton, Alex English, Shawn Kemp, Walter Davis, Baron Davis, David West, Michael Redd, Mark Eaton, Xavier McDaniel
Pick 309: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Bam Adebayo
Stats: 1x All-Star, 2x All-Defensive
Teammates: Shaq, Paul Pierce, Manu Ginobili, Kevin Johnson, Tom Chambers, Deron Williams, Gus Johnson, CJ McCollum, Andre Drummond, Kelly Tripucka
Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady, Grant Hill, Lenny Wilkens, Marc Gasol, Drazen Petrovich, Norm Nixon, Zach Randolph, Andrew Toney, Serge Ibaka
Pick 311: Boston Celtics (Phil): Ja Morant
Stats: 2019-20 ROY
Teammates: Kobe Bryant, Dominique Wilkins, Dikembe Mutombo, Penny Hardaway, Bobby Jones, George McGinnis, Ben Simmons, Dale Ellis, Byron Scott, Otis Thorpe
Pick 312: Detroit Pistons (John): Slater Martin
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed, Luka Doncic, Kyle Lowry, DeMar DeRozan, Mark Jackson, Jermaine O’Neal, Jeff Hornacek, Vlade Divac, Victor Oladipo
Pick 313: Washington Wizards (Phil): Shane Battier
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 2x All-Defensive
Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin, Wes Unseld, Chris Bosh, Paul Arizin, Neil Johnston, Lou Hudson, Tyson Chandler, Michael Finley, Mike Bibby
Pick 314: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Ricky Pierce
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller, Pau Gasol, Blake Griffin, Maurice Cheeks, Karl-Anthony Towns, Terry Porter, Allan Houston, Lou Williams, Paul Millsap
Pick 315: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Bill Cartwright
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star
Teammate: Steph Curry, Rick Barry, Dwight Howard, Tom Heinsohn, Jimmy Butler, Maurice Lucas, Michael Cooper, Donovan Mitchell, Andrew Bogut, John Drew
Pick 316: Dallas Mavericks (John): Goran Dragic
Stats: 1x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes, Adrian Dantley, Joel Embiid, Jo Jo White, Glenn Robinson, Mike Conley, Sean Elliot, Darryl Dawkins, Kenny Smith
Pick 317: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Tom Gola
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier, Pete Maravich, Nikola Jokic, Jack Twyman, Detlef Schrempf, Mark Aguirre, Ron Harper, Clyde Lovellette, Reggie Theus
Pick 318: Chicago Bulls (John): Harry Gallatin
Stats: 7x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones, Walt Bellamy, Jack Sikma, Jason Terry, Maurice Stokes, Louie Dampier, Brandon Ingram, Brook Lopez
Pick 319: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Jaylen Brown
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Bob Lanier, Tim Hardaway Sr., Chet Walker, Andre Igoudala, Sam Cassell, DeAndre Jordan, Lamar Odom, Steve Smith
Pick 320: Brooklyn Nets (John): Jeff Malone
Stats: 2x All-Star
Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton, David Thompson, Connie Hawkins, Paul Westphal, Rudy Gobert, Mookie Blaylock, Dan Majerle, Terrell Brandon, Al Jefferson
Pick 321: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Toni Kukoc
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Artis Gilmore, Mitch Richmond, Bailey Howell, Rolando Blackman, Joakim Noah, Norm Van Lier, Cedric Maxwell, Zach LaVine
Pick 322: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Paul Silas
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star, 5x All-Defensive
Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan, Hal Greer, Jerry Lucas, Jamaal Wilkes, Cliff Hagan, Jamal Crawford, Zelmo Beaty, Wayne Embry, Doc Rivers
Pick 323: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Joe Barry Carroll
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton, Tiny Archibald, Dolph Schayes, Bradley Beal, Elton Brand, World B. Free, Marcus Camby, George Yardley, Steve Francis
Pick 324: Atlanta Hawks (John): De’Aaron Fox
Stats: Nothing to see here
Teammates: Dwyane Wade, Anthony Davis, Chris Webber, Chauncey Billups, Brandon Roy, John Wall, Horace Grant, Khris Middleton, Nikola Vucevic, Shareef Abdur-Raheem
Pick 325: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Red Kerr
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star
Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit, Derrick Rose, Bill Sharman, Ben Wallace, Vern Mikkelsen, Jayson Tatum, Bob Love, Trae Young, Richard Jefferson
Pick 326: Orlando Magic (John): Kenyon Martin
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden, Carmelo Anthony, Dave DeBusschere, Ralph Sampson, Gilbert Arenas, Buck Williams, Tayshaun Prince, Bruce Bowen, Derrick Coleman
Pick 327: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Domantas Sabonis
Stats: 2x All-Star
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale, Kyrie Irving, Sindney Moncrief, Arvydas Sabonis, Rajon Rondo, Mel Daniels, Devin Booker, Dick Van Arsdale, Zydrunas Ilgauskas
Pick 328: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Juwan Howard
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Isiah Thomas, Scottie Pippen, Nate Thurmond, Joe Dumars, Bill Laimbeer, Rasheed Wallace, Micheal Ray Richardson, Ron Artest, Doug Collins, Dick Barnett
Pick 329: New York Knicks (Phil): Swen Nater
Stats: 2x ABA All-Star, 2x All-ABA, 1973-74 ABA ROY
Teammates: Giannis, Steve Nash, Klay Thompson, Paul George, Brad Daugherty, Ed Macauley, Kiki Vandeweghe, Calvin Murphy, Antoine Walker, Anthony Mason
Pick 330: San Antonio Spurs (John): Sleepy Floyd
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin, Amar’e Stoudemire, Marques Johnson, Antawn Jamison, Andre Miller, Charles Oakley, Jerry Stackhouse, Mychal Thompson
Round 12:
Pick 331: San Antonio Spurs (John): Reggie Lewis
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: See round 11
Pick 332: New York Knicks (Phil): Julius Randle
Stats: 1x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Pick 333: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Jalen Rose
Stats: 1999-2000 Most Improved
Pick 334: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Luol Deng
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive
Pick 335: Orlando Magic (John): Tony Allen
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-Defensive
Pick 336: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Arnie Risen
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 1x All-BAA, Hall of Fame
Pick 337: Atlanta Hawks (John): Tom Gugliotta
Stats: 1x All-Star
Pick 338: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Isaiah Thomas
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Pick 339: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Gene Shue
Stats: 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA
Pick 340: Sacramento Kings (Phil): P.J. Brown
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Defensive
Pick 341: Brooklyn Nets (John): Tobias Harris
Stats: Almost an All-Star a lot
Pick 342: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Josh Smith
Stats: 1x All-Defensive
Pick 343: Chicago Bulls (John): Eddie Johnson
Stats: 1x Sixth Man
Pick 344: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Eddie Johnson part 2
Stats: 2x All-Star, 2x All-Defensive
Pick 345: Dallas Mavericks (John): Christian Laettner
Stats: 1x All-Star
Pick 346: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Alvan Adams
Born in 1946, the NBA is celebrating its 75th birthday this year which means it is old as fuck. The NBA is a boomer, so not great, but hey, we still love them. Like Timothée Chalamet’s tiny horse, in 75 years we’ve seen some of the best athletes in the world go on to “do great things” in the NBA. Now it’s time to honor the 75 greatest players in NBA history by doing what the NBA doesn’t have the courage to do, rank them. To be fair to my guy Adam Silver, ranking former and current employees is a slipper slope. Imagine showing up to your 9 to 5 at “insert digital brand marketing collective here” and all of a sudden your boss was like “well Jim, as you can see you’re pretty good, but you only worked 60 hour weeks instead of 65 so the CEO didn’t get their full $23 million dollar bonus, so you’re the 75th best employee we have.” Brutal. But hey, top 75 is nothing to shake a stick at. I was like 66th in a graduating class of more than 550 and I’m not made I wasn’t number one, I’m happy to know that I’m smarter than 490 other people. Not everyone can be Michael Jordan, but It is way cooler to be an Alex English than an Andrew Wiggins.
My ranking methodology was simple: impact on winning x stats x accomplishments x vibes x era x impact on the game x could the Spark Notes version of the NBA be told without them = the top 75 players in NBA history.
Accolades: 4x NBA Champion, 4x Finals MVP, 4x NBA MVP, 17x All-NBA, 17x All-Star, 1x Scoring Champ, 6x All-Defensive, 2003-04 ROY
If after every championship you win you have to remind the world that you might be the GOAT but also “don’t care” what people say about you, then you’re just not quite the GOAT.
Accolades: 6x NBA Champion, 2x Finals MVP, 6x NBA MVP, 14x All-NBA, 19x All-Star, 2x Scoring Champ, 11x All-Defensive, 1969-70 ROY, Hall of Fame
If you consider birth to retirement (high school, college, etc,) Kareem-Abdul Jabbar is probably the greatest basketball player ever, but what he did in the NBA is still great enough for a bronze medal.
Accolades: 11x NBA Champion, (No Finals MVP Award until 1969), 5x NBA MVP, 11x All-NBA, 12x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive (Began award in 1968-69 season), Hall of Fame
The George Washington of the NBA still belongs on Mount Rushmore.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 4x NBA MVP, 10x All-NBA, 13x All-Star, 7x Scoring Champ, 2x All Defensive, 1959-60 ROY, Hall of Fame
The most physically dominant player of any generation (unless you talk to Shaq), he should have been the GOAT but Bill Russell ate his lunch for 10 years.
Accolades: 3x NBA Champion, 2x Finals MVP, 3x NBA MVP, 10x All-NBA, 12x All-Star, 3x All-Defensive, 1979-80 ROY, Hall of Fame
Maybe the fiercest competitor in NBA history after Jordan, the Celtics vs. Lakers cage match rivalry of the ’80s is probably what most people between the ages of 40 and 60 think of first when they think about the NBA.
Accolades: 5x NBA Champion, 3x Finals MVP, 2x NBA MVP, 15x All-NBA, 15x All-Star, 15x All-Defensive, 1997-98 ROY, Hall of Fame
Tim Duncan plays and dresses like he just got a bunch of Khol’s Cash from his grandma for his birthday, but the Big Fundamental handed everyone their ass for 15 years of Spurs dominance.
Accolades: 4x NBA Champion, 3x Finals MVP, 1x NBA MVP, 14x All-NBA, 15x All-Star, 2x Scoring Champ, 3x All-Defensive, 1992-93 ROY, Hall of Fame
The second most dominant big-man ever, Shaq’s peak might be the best we’ve seen since Jordan. If he kept in shape for 15 years there’s no doubt in my mind that he would be in the GOAT conversation.
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 11x All-NBA, 12x All-Star, 1960-61 ROY, Hall of Fame
The triple-double king before Russell Westbrook dethrone him, the Big-O is one of the five pillars of the foundation of the modern NBA ( Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Elgin Baylor, Jerry West, and Oscar Robertson).
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion (2x ABA Champ), 1x NBA MVP (3x ABA), 7x All-NBA (5x All-ABA), 11x NBA All-Star (5x ABA), Hall of Fame
If his ABA career counted, Julius Erving would be somewhere in the top-eight, but even though he didn’t get to the NBA until he was 26, “Dr. J” is still one of the all-time legends of the sport. If anyone made the NBA as cool as it is today, it is Julius Erving.
Accolades: 3x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 7x All-NBA, 7x All-Star, 2x Scoring Champ
For whatever reason, Steph Curry has his detractors, but his impact on the game is undeniable. The greatest shooter ever changed the way we play the game and led one of the greatest dynasties we’ve ever seen.
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 9x All-NBA, 15x All-Star, 12x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Kevin Garnett was an absolute psycho on the court for 20 years, and it was so much fun to be a huge KG fan growing up. He proved that anything is possible by taking the Timberwolves to the Western Conference Finals in 2004. If the NBA puts him on the Anniversary team in a Celtics jersey we riot.
Accolades: 1x NBA MVP, 11x All-NBA, 11x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Chuck was screwed over by Michael Jordan more than anyone else other than maybe Patrick Ewing, but he came damn close to taking it to the GOAT in the ’93 Finals.
Wade will go down as one of the best Robin’s ever, but people forget he was Batman in the 2006 Finals with one of the greatest performances in NBA Finals history.
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 2x NBA MVP, 5x All-NBA, 5x All-Star, 4x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY
If anyone thought Giannis had hit a wall and couldn’t be the best player on a championship team, they were proven wrong last season. Giannis finally broke through with an historic performance, and now has one of the best resumes of any player in their first eight seasons. It is very easy to see a scenario where Giannis keeps ascending and one day joins the ranks of the 10 greatest players ever.
Accolades: 6x NBA Champion, 7x All-NBA, 7x All-Star, 10x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
The greatest Robin of all time played with the greatest Batman ever. Wanted to be the guy so bad that when it was his turn he benched himself because Toni Kukoc was going to get the last shot. That’s a real alpha.
Accolades: 8x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 11x All-NBA, 13x All-Star, 8x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Havlicek had the luxury of playing with Bill Russell, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones, Tommy Heinsohn, Dave Cowens and plenty of other Hall of Famers and he still cemented himself as an all-time great.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 10x All-NBA, 10x All-Star, 1x Scoring Champ 8x All-Defensive,1x DPOY, 1989-90 ROY, Hall of Fame
The Admiral could be much higher had he not gone to all four years of college plus two years of Naval obligations, but his seven-year peak is a freak show of athleticism, offense, defense, and getting cooked by Hakeem Olajuwon.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 5x All-NBA, 12x All-Star, Hall of Fame
If Magic is the NBA’s best ambassador, Isiah might be the worst. Everyone seems to hate IT, and it is very much warranted. The Bad Boy Piston is a villain, and still a bad ass on the court.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 2x Finals MVP, 1x NBA MVP, 5x All-NBA, 7x All-Star, 1x All-Defensive, 1964-65 ROY, Hall of Fame
He’s most famous to people my age for hitting the first two shots in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals while injured, but Willis Reed was a dominant center in the era where Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain were kicking everyone’s ass.
Kawhi has the weirdest resume of any all-time great. He was drafted 15th, was considered a defensive role player, then won Finals MVP, two DPOY’s, another Finals MVP as a one-year hired gun with Toronto of all teams, now is a perennial MVP candidate with the Clippers, and has also missed essentially two (counting the upcoming 2021-22 season) full seasons due to injury, and basically invented load management. He’s going to be the best player with the worst counting stats.
Accolades: 2x NBA MVP, 7x All-NBA, 8x All-Star, Hall of Fame
He maybe didn’t deserve both of his MVP’s but he definitely didn’t deserve to get hip checked by Robert Horry to kill Nash’s best chance at a championship.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 1x NBA MVP, 2x All-NBA, 2x All-Star, 2x All-Defensive, 1x Sixth Man, Hall of Fame
Bill Walton easily could have entered the pantheon after winning a championship and MVP by age-25, but those god damn feet cost him the rest of his career. This pick hedges that a bit but it’s undeniable that Waltons few years of his prime were dominant enough to warrant being rewarded as a top 75 player ever.
Accolades: 1x NBA MVP, 7x All-NBA, 11x All-Star, 4x Scoring Champ, 1996-97 ROY, Hall of Fame
The kids seem to think Iverson was a god on the level of Kobe Bryant and LeBron James. He is probably the second most overrated player on NBA Twitter by people who were born after he stepped over Ty Lue (first by a mile is Carmelo Anthony), but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t great, just not top 10 great.
Accolades: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-NBA, 10x All-Star, 9x All-Defensive, 1994-95 ROY, Hall of Fame
Triple threat point guard who might be ever so slightly overrated because of his triple double prowess and underrated for his bleach blonde look in the ’90s.
Accolades: 7x All-NBA, 7x All-Star, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Rivalled Kobe in the early 2000’s until injuries ended his career too early. My generation’s Dominique Wilkins. I am probably over rating him and I don’t care.
Accolades: 5x NBA Champion, 2x All-NBA, 2x All-Star, 8x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Pound for pound the best rebounder ever and an infamous member of the Bad Boy Pistons and the ’90s Bulls who is now the only contact we have with North Korea which must be weird for North Koreans.
Accolades: 2x NBA Champion, 1x All-NBA, 8x All-Star, 6x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Third/secondish star of the two Knicks titles in the ’70s. Winning ended up getting him in the last spot ahead of other very worthy candidates.
The Biggest Snubs: Vince Carter, Earl Monroe, Pete Maravich, Grant Hill, Alonzo Mourning, Dikembe Mutombo, Nate Thurmond, Bob Lanier, Artis Gilmore, Chris Webber, Adrian Dantley, Bill Sharman, Tommy Heinsohn, Damian Lillard, and Manu Ginobili.
Can’t wait for the NBA’s 100th anniversary when Anthony Edwards and Karl-Anthony Towns are the new co-GOATs.
We finally made it. The NBA is back for a full, normal 82-game schedule, fans will pack the stands, the Bubble is ancient history, and we beat Covid. Oh wait, Covid is raging once again across the United States…fuck it, we tried, pack the stadiums, vaccine schmaccine, and blame Joe Biden. While the NBA is on track for its first “normal” season in three years, the lead up to season 75 has been anything but normal. Executives got fired just before training camp, a lot of guys want to get traded but didn’t actually get traded, and the biggest issue at media day wasn’t how much pure muscle every player put on while vacationing in St. Barts, it was several star players’ chance to spread their increasingly uniformed reasons as to why they didn’t get the vaccine (spoiler alert, they did not do a lot of research). Covid is still with us and will play a huge factor in the upcoming season. As of this writing Kyrie Irving is kind of not really part of the Nets organization until he gets the tracker… I mean vaccine. But it’s time to plow past the protocols and into the future. I actually did my research and wanted to get my predictions for the 2021-22 NBA season out in writing so it can inevitably be used against me in the future.
Eastern Conference Standings
1.) Brooklyn Nets
Brooklyn enters the 2021-22 season as the prohibitive favorites to win the NBA Championship. The same could have been said about the Nets last season but injuries wreaked havoc on the Golden trio of Kevin Durant, James Harden, and Kyrie Irving. Unfortunately for Brooklyn, Kyrie Irving is an idiot and is poised to miss home games because he refuses to get vaccinated (among other things). Most Nets fans were probably already penciling Irving in to miss at least 20 games anyways this season; he’s never played more than 72 games in an entire season in his career. You have tho think that a healthy Durant and Harden can shoulder the load left by Irving’s stupid, selfish decision. Brooklyn has enough talent on the edges to keep KD and Harden from wearing down, and should be able to sleepwalk to 55 wins, and if Irving wises up this is a 65+ win team.
2.) Milwaukee Bucks
You would think the reigning champs would be favorites to get back to the NBA Finals, but Giannis and company have their work cut out for them if they want to repeat. The Nets were a Durant big toe away from beating Milwaukee in the second round, and the Bucks will need Giannis to have a few 50 point, 17 rebound games in him in order to keep supremacy over a rejuvenated Eastern Conference. Giannis, Jrue Holiday, and Khris Middleton are about as good of a big three as any other outside of Brooklyn. Nets vs. Bucks could become the next great rivalry in the NBA, and Giannis vs. Durant might be the heavyweight fight for best player in the league. It feels stupid to say Giannis “finally” won a championship in year seven, but we now know is trajectory is to become one of the all time greats, and a second title would put him in the pantheon.
3.) Atlanta Hawks
After a wild season that saw Atlanta implode early in the season, seemingly not get along, and fire their head coach, the Hawks turned things around and made a surprise trip to the Eastern Conference Finals. Trae Young is the new big bad in the East, and especially in Madison Square Garden. Atlanta might be the deepest team in the league and are primed to take the next step. Although it took a legendary meltdown from Ben Simmons for Atlanta to advance to the Eastern Conference Finals, they have to juice to make it back and challenge the Bucks and Nets in the playoffs. It Young wants to become a true superstar, there’s no better way than to throw your team on your back and beat the best teams in the league. He almost did it last year, the league is officially on notice.
4.) Philadelphia 76ers
Usually when you say “it’s the summer of (insert person’s name)” it’s a good thing. The summer of George is every lazy person’s dream. However, the summer of Ben Simmons was a disaster for everyone involved. It all started when the 6’10” freak athlete passed up an easy game-clinching dunk against the Hawks in game seven of the Eastern Conference Semi Finals. The dunk would have propelled the 76ers into the Eastern Conference Finals for the first time since Allen Iverson took them to the NBA Finals in 2001. Instead, Simmons passed, the Sixers lost, and Simmons and the franchise have been at odds ever since. Almost every other franchise has been linked to trade rumors for the former first overall pick, but 76ers executive Daryl Morey has been reluctant to trade the three-time All-Star for anything less than another All-Star caliber player. Even with reports that Simmons might return to the team, there’s no way he ends the season in Philadelphia. The relationship is broken and so is he. Both sides need a fresh start, the issue for the 76ers is that it doesn’t seem like anyone is willing to give up a star player for Simmons. With all the drama circling the City of Brotherly Love, Joel Embiid will likely vie for his first MVP award, but without Simmons Philadelphia becomes a second-tier team in the East.
5.) Miami Heat
Which season was the fluke: the 2020 Finals run in the Bubble, or last year’s first-round sweep at the hands of the Bucks? Most likely, the true Miami Heat identity lies somewhere in the middle. Jimmy Butler will always work hard and continue to be the man, and even through a slightly down season, Bam Adebayo looks to be on the brink of becoming the best two-way center in the league not named Joel Embiid. The addition of Kyle Lowry will bring some stability and take some pressure off of Butler on a nightly basis. To make a return trip to the NBA Finals the Miami Heat need to magic they saw from Tyler Herro in the Bubble. Herro averaged 16 points as a 20-year-old in the 2020 NBA Playoffs in Orlando, but his production and efficiency dipped in his second season. Now the third-year man out of Kentucky will need to get his juice back and become the star that many in NBA circles projected him as after the Bubble. If he does that then the Heat have a real chance to take the third spot in the East away from the Hawks.
6.) Boston Celtics
For whatever reason, the Boston Celtics were one of the hardest teams to rate this preseason. The organization is in a weird transition period after longtime GM Danny Ainge stepped down, and head coach Brad Stevens took over in the front office. Now first time head coach Ime Udoka his work cut out for him after a wildly disappointing season last year. However, the Celtics have two of the best young players in the game in Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown, one of the best perimeter defenders in Marcus Smart, and a man who has gained dominion over space and time in our universe in Robert Williams. Seems like they have a chance to keeps the on-court product above average. Twelve-time Tatum could be a sneaky MVP pick, but will need to play at an MVP level to give the Celtics any real chance to get back to the Eastern Conference Finals for the fourth time in six years after a first-round exit last season.
7.) Charlotte Hornets
Hum-diddly-dee this is a young, fun, high-flying team that might actually still be a year away from real competition. Last year’s Rookie of the Year LaMelo Ball might somehow have a second breakout season in year two. If Ball and MIP candidate Miles Bridges build on their highlight reel relationship, this team might kill Charlotte’s play-by-play guy and yelling enthusiast Eric Collins. Gordon Hayward was kind of almost an All-Star last year and Scary Terry Rozier continues to steadily improve every year. If rookies James Bouknight and Kai Jones can have an early impact, the Hornets have a real chance to rise out of the play-in fray and secure a playoff spot outright. Charlotte might be the the dark horse League Pass team of the year candidate this season.
8.) New York Knicks
Are there any more insufferable fans in the NBA than Knicks fans? Laker fans are close and any fan from Boston is born an asshole, but at least their teams are good. Knicks fans feel good about themselves for the first time since Rudy Giuliani was a “good guy” and now all of a sudden the NBA is whole again? The Knicks’ fall from grace is inevitable after Tom Thibodeau barked his way to a 4th place finish in the East. Julius Randle came out of no where to earn the MIP trophy and an All-NBA Second Team nod, and it all amounted to a devastatingly delicious first round beatdown to new Reggie Miller tier supervillain Trae Young and the upstart Hawks. Good Things in the Garden seem unsustainable. Thibs will run his team into the ground resulting in a catastrophic injury to Randle who led the league in minutes per game last year. Kemba Walker isn’t as big of a point guard upgrade as you would have thought 18 months ago, and RJ Barrett needs to make a significant leap in year three to give New York another playmaker. Signs point to regression and after one season of joy, Knicks fans will be back where they belong, incessantly reminding us how great the Yankees are.
9.) Chicago Bulls
BANB (Bulls Are Not Back) If this was the Eastern Conference of the last 15 years, these Bulls would be a five seed and get crushed in the first round by one of the only four good teams in the first round. Thankfully (although not for Bulls fans) the East is back (EIB) and it will take a lot more than 37 wins to to get into the playoffs. Zach LaVine made his first All-Star team last season, Nikola Vucevic is an automatic 20 and 10, Lonzo Ball is one of the most improved shooters in the league and a good perimeter defender, DeMar DeRozan almost snuck into the All-Star Game last year, and Patrick Williams is one of the most intriguing young two-way players in the NBA. There’s a lot to like about a this revamped Bulls roster, but in the end the defense will be the reason this team only reaches the play-in tournament.
10.) Toronto Raptors
The only people that didn’t have a great time in Tampa last year were the family members of the person who custom makes the Lombardi Trophy, and the Toronto Raptors. The 2019 champs had to play their home games 1,300 miles away from home due to Canada’s Covid policies, and let’s just say the Tompa Bay magic did not rub off on the basketball court. The Raptors finished 27-45, missed the playoffs for the first time since 2013, and got the hell out of Florida faster than Ron DeSantis allowed Covid to spread. They traded the GROAT (Greatest Raptor Of All Time) Kyle Lowry to the Heat (I guess he didn’t mind Florida), and Pascal Siakam is set to miss the first few weeks of the season after offseason shoulder surgery. The good news is they’re back Toronto, which has to be at least a 10 game difference. Toronto also drafted NBA Twitter’s new favorite rookie Scottie Barnes with the fourth pick in the draft. It’s going to be tough to claw back into the play-in picture without a true center on the roster, but a core built around Fred VanVleet, OG Anunoby, Siakam, and Barnes has potential and I have faith that Nick Nurse will get the most out of his team this year.
11.) Indiana Pacers
The Pacers are coming of a season from hell in 2020-21 in which they lost T.J. Warren for all but four games. They traded away Victor Oladipo as part of the giant James Harden deal and got Caris LeVert in return who averaged 20.7 points per game in 35 games for the Pacers, but missed his first 24 games with the club after undergoing surgery to remove one of his kidneys. They hired then fired JV coach Nate Bjorkgren for attending the Jim Boylen school of how to treat grown profession men like they’re 15 year old varsity wannabes. All of that is behind them, and former Coach of the Year and NBA Champion Rick Carlisle is patrolling the sideline, but I still can’t get all the way there with this team. A starting lineup of Domantas Sabonis, Myles Turner, Warren, LeVert, and Malcolm Brogdon (or Ben Simmons!!!) should easily make the playoffs in the East, but I just don’t see it. Their bench is not very deep and I believe a few other teams in the East can make the leap this season, but for whatever reason I just don’t see it for the Pacers.
12.) Cleveland Cavaliers
Somehow the Cavs have wormed their way into becoming one of the most polarizing teams in the NBA. On one hand some believe that their accumulation of young talent including Collin Sexton, Darius Garland, Jarrett Allen, Lauri Markkanen, and 2021 third overall pick Evan Mobley is enough to get Cleveland in playoff contention this season. I’d like to see it on the court before I pencil them into a play-in spot. The Cavs won 19, 19, and 22 games in the three seasons since LeBron bolted for Los Angeles. The Sexland backcourt has flashed brilliance, but both players have flaws that could keep them from impacting winning. Evan Mobley might be the second coming of Kevin Garnett, but most likely it will be 2023 before he can be the best player on a decent team. Cleveland still has to resolve the Kevin Love situation and lacks much depth behind their starting five. While they might show some promise this season, the Cavs are probably a year away from winning basketball games.
13.) Washington Wizards
Congratulations, you’re the Washington Wizards. Your best player is an anti-vaxxer who doesn’t actually seem to know how the vaccine works, although I’m sure he did his own research before asking reports why vaccinated people still get Covid. Well, it’s because of colossal stupidity shown by you, Bradley Beal, and your brethren in stupidity Kyrie Irving, Andrew Wiggins, and Jonathan Isaac. That’s why we are where we are. After that Washington, how are you feeling about the season? Oh, you just traded Russell Westbrook and picks for three role players? Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. While Beal alone should lift them into play-in territory, the rest of the team doesn’t do much for me, and with the East in a semi-renaissance, the Wizards are a prime candidate to take a tumble down the standings.
14.) Detroit Pistons
#FadeforCade paid off and Detroit landed the number one pick for the first time since selecting Bob Lanier first overall in 1970. If Cade Cunningham flashes star potential early Detroit could have a nice little roster brewing. Isaiah Stewart, a.k.a Beef Stew, is the center of the future, Saddiq Bey was All-Rookie First Team last year, and Killian Hayes is the best prospect from the 2020 draft according to no one except Kevin O’Cantevaluatebasketballprospects. With a handful of promising young talent to fold around Jerami Grant, Detroit probably doesn’t have enough to reach the play-in this season, but another high lottery pick next year could help speed up the rebuilding process.
15.) Orlando Magic
Orlando is going to be back, like historically bad. This year’s fifth overall pick, Jalen Suggs, might as well already be Orlando’s best player. Their other candidate for best player, Jonathan Isaac, missed the last season and a half after tearing his ACL, oh year and he’s a very outspoken anti-vaxxer (even if he claims he’s not). After that it’s a guy more famous for a song named after him (Mo Bamba) than being good at basketball, and Markelle Fultz who shoots free throws like Charles Barkley swings a golf club. It’s time to #ChokeforChet or #HowlowcanyougoforPaolo. Personally, I think they have to draft Suggs’ high school teammate Chet Holmgren and become Minnehaha Academy south.
Western Conference Standings
1.) Los Angeles Lakers
Whoever thought LeBron James would be happy to try to win his 5th championship with Kyle Kuzma and Dennis Schröder as his wingmen haven’t paid attention to How the second greatest player of all-time operates, especially since he arrived in Los Angeles in 2018. He and Magic Johnson’s best friend Rob Pelinka figured out how to get him a third star, and make the 2021-22 Lakers the most top-heavy team in NBA history. Pelinka traded a package that included Kuzma, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, and Montrezl Harrell to Washington for Russell Westbrook and a handful of future second-round picks. Now the Lakers have a three-headed monster to compete with the likes of Brooklyn and Milwaukee. The problem is, they don’t have much else. L.A. is likely to start their three future Hall of Famers alongside Wayne Ellington and Kent Bazemore. Even after signing former stars like DeAndre Jordan, Rajon Rondo, Dwight Howard, and Carmelo Anthony the Lakers are paper thin around LeBron, Anthony Davis, and Westbrook. Those three should be enough to pace the crippled Western Conference, but any injury to one of them could see the Lakers free fall down the standings like they did last season when LeBron and Davis missed huge chunks of time with injuries.
2.) Phoenix Suns
The signs were there that the Suns were about to break out. They went 8-0 in the bubble, Devin Booker and DeAndre Ayton were starting to look like real stars, and they traded for the Point God, Chris Paul. We should have known this team was going to dominate, but still we were skeptical. Well, we’re all paying attention now after finishing with the second best record in the West, making the playoffs for the first time in 11 years, and riding that wave all the way to the NBA Finals where they ran into Giannis’ ascent to the pantheon. All the key pieces are back for another shot at the title. Chris Paul is somehow still plugging along at 36, Devin Booker is a gold medalist and the newest member of the Kardashian syndicate, Ayton trying to get a max contact, and Mikal Bridges might be the best three-and D player in the league. Phoenix’s top-four might be the best in the NBA, but the big question is how they deal with a healthy Lakers team. Phoenix beat the Lakers in the first-round last season when Anthony Davis was hobbled all series long. Davis is healthy and Phoenix has depth issues at center behind foul-prone Ayton. The Suns will need everything from Ayton, Paul, Booker, and Bridges if they want to build off of last seasons’ finals appearance.
3.) Utah Jazz
The Jazz had no problems dominating the West in the regular season finishing in first place with a 52-20 record last season. Donovan Mitchell elevated to second-tier superstar while Rudy Gobert won his third DPOY trophy and Mike Conley made his first ever All-Star team. It’s a different story when the Jazz reach the playoffs, losing to the Clippers in six games in the second-round. The Clippers went small, forcing Gobert out of the paint and exploited him on the perimeter. It’s a pivotal year for the Mitchell-Gobert pairing to make it out of the second-round in year five. The Jazz will hammer teams once again in the regular season, but once again falter when they get to the postseason.
4.) Denver Nuggets
If Jamal Murray was healthy and ready to play the Nuggets might contend for the top seed in the West. Sadly, Murray is rehabbing a torn ACL suffered in April, likely keeping him out for most or all of the regular season. The Nuggets hardly missed a beat in Murray’s absence finishing the season 16-7. A lot of that is on the paunchy shoulders of league MVP Nikola Jokic. The Serbian master fully deserved the MVP even if some people think he’s the worst MVP in 50 years (while learning who Dave Cowens was and disrespecting him in the process). The Nuggets also made one of the biggest trades before the deadline dealing Gary Harris, R.J. Hampton, and a future first to Orlando for Aaron Gordon. Michael Porter Jr. broke out in a big way scoring 19 points per game on 44.5 percent from three, earning him a max contract extension this offseason. The Nuggets will be a top-tier team in the West this season, but will need Murray to return for the playoff run if they want to get out of the second round, something they couldn’t do last year.
5.) Dallas Mavericks
I’m not quite as high on the Mavericks as some other basketball sickos, but with Luka Doncic anything is possible. It’s possible that Doncic is the next Larry Bird and the next Magic Johnson at the same time, and will go down as one of the best players in NBA history. But even the greats needed help to get to the finals. Bird had McHale, DJ, Parish, and Tiny Archibald to help him win three championships; Magic had Kareem, Worthy, Jamaal Wilkes, and others to win his five titles; Jordan had Pippen and Rodman. Luka Doncic has… Kristaps Porzingis and Tim Hardaway Jr., not exactly a championship roster. Luka proved last year that he can carry this team in the playoffs but they did get bounced in the first round and kinda blew it against the Clippers. To get to the Finals, Luka will need a running mate. Three years ago that could have been Porzingis but after a couple of injury plagued season’s the 7’3″ Latvian is a shell of his former self. A big trade is in order for the Mavs if they want to maximize the Doncic era and get a championship early in the career of their franchise player.
6.) Portland Trail Blazers
After Damian Lillard’s mini-summer of discontent in which he floated the idea that he might want out of Portland at some point, the Blazers are back with a new head coach in Chauncey Billups and roughly the same roster. They added Larry Nance Jr. to help improve the defense, and Jusuf Nurkic and CJ McCollum are back and healthy. Lillard and McCollum alone give this team a playoff floor, and Nurkic, Nance, Norman Powell, and Robert Covington give the Blazers as solid a top six as you can find in the mid-tiers in either conference. The bench is not deep with Anfernee Simmons and Nassir Little set to see big minutes. We’ll see if Billups can get more out of this unit than former longtime head coach Terry Stotts, but the defense will probably be a problem once again. This team lives and dies with Damian Lillard’s 35-foot threes; if he goes full Super Saiyan they could surprise and make it back to the West Finals, but it he puts together his usual All-NBA Second Team season, it will be hard to imagine the Blazers cracking the top four ahead of the Nuggets, Suns, Jazz, or Lakers.
7.) Golden State Warriors
Thank god Andrew Wiggins finally got vaccinated, now the Warriors can focus on winning a championship. Seriously though, can the Warriors win the championship this season, I honestly don’t know. Steph Curry went nuts last year, Draymond Green was an All-NBA defender, and Wiggins at least looked like he was trying, and still the Warriors finished 8th in the West and crashed out of the play-in tournament. Klay Thompson should be back at some point this season after missing the last two with a ruptured Achilles and torn ACL. Last year’s number two overall pick James Wiseman is working back from a knee injury that cost him the second half of his rookie season. Rookies Jonathan Kuminga and Moses Moody might be good, or they might be horrible, nobody knows anything with this team. If everything hits, Golden State has the raw talent to compete in the West, but if Thompson is rusty and the youngsters don’t come along then it could be another fight for a play-in spot and another year of Steph Curry’s prime wasted.
8.) Los Angeles Clippers
After the Warriors this might be the hardest team in the West to rank. Kawhi is probably not playing this season. Paul George is good enough to carry the Clippers to the playoffs, but who else will step up, Terance Mann? Reggie Jackson? Is it finally Amir Coffey time? They just don’t have to fire-power to compete with the top-tier teams, and if things start to go really wrong they might even start tanking to get PG and Kawhi a third star to make another run next season.
9.) Minnesota Timberwolves
And now e come to my beloved Timberwolves and I truly don’t know where to go with this team. My heart says KAT has a dark horse MVP season, Anthony Edwards and D’Angelo Russell play at a borderline All-Star level, Jaden McDaniels becomes the next Mikal Bridges, and Chris Finch is the second coming of Gregg Popovich leading the Wolves to the 5th seed and a first round upset of the Denver Nuggets. Unfortunately, my head and history say that KAT will put up empty stats, Edwards will regress, DLo will implode Finch will lose the locker room by Valentine’s Day, KAT will ask for a trade, and it will be time for yet another rebuild. The Wolves have the most talent since Jimmy Butler and Karl-Anthony Towns were on speaking terms, they seem to actually like each other, and Patrick Beverly has given them a defensive identity. But they’re the ultimate “I’ll believe it when I actually see it” team, so I think ninth might be a little optimistic, I can’t help but be optimistic about this particular group of players. We Minnesota sports fans need a win wince the Lynx are four years removed from their last championship, and a Timberwolves tam that flirts with the playoffs might be the team to do it. I’m ready to get hurt again.
10.) Memphis Grizzlies
Out of all 30 teams I’m predicting I am the most confidant that I have completely underrating the Memphis Grizzlies. Ja Morant led the team into the play-in tournament, won both games and earned a playoff spot where they lost in five games in the first-round to the Utah Jazz. All of this happened with Jaren Jackson Jr. playing just 11 games due to injury, although he did play in the playoffs against Utah. JJJ is back and ready to go this season, so why have I downgraded them from their 9th place finish last season? Honestly it comes down to my blind faith that the Timberwolves will be as good as I hope they are for the first time since 2004, and my unwillingness to bet against Steph Curry and a team that made the Western Conference Finals last year in the Clippers. In the real world the Grizzlies should probably be 7th or 8th, but in my fantasy land they end up 10.
11.) New Orleans Pelicans
The Pelicans have a mountain of a problem on their hands, and it just so happens he’s one of the best young players the NBA has ever seen. His name is Zion Williamson. How is a 21-year-old, baby Shaq, All-Star phenom a problem for the Pelicans? Well it was revealed that Williamson, listed at 6’7″, 284-pounds, fractured his foot in the offseason and required surgery. It’s alarming because the gigantic third-year player already has a troubling injury history for a man his size. On top of the injury, there are rumblings that the budding superstar is growing increasingly unhappy in the Big Easy and could bolt for a big market as soon as possible. None of this is good news for a Pelicans team that disappointed last year and made a few moves that didn’t really change their trajectory for the season. If Zion is healthy and they lean into the point-Zion game plan that worked in the second half of last season they have the top-line talent to compete for the 8th seed. If not, this season could spiral into a total disaster for first year hed coach Willie Green.
12.) Sacramento Kings
The Kings haven’t made the playoffs since 2006 and I don’t think they break the streak this season. De’Aaron Fox is arguably the best player in the league who has yet to make an All-Star team; Tyrese Haliburton was a steal in last year’s draft; Richaun Holmes and Harrison Barnes had career years, and Buddy Hield and Marvin Bagley III are talented (relatively) young players. I just don’t think it’s enough top-line talent to compete with the likes of Golden State, Memphis, Minnesota, and the Clippers for a play-in spot. Things are beginning to look up for the Kangz, but they might have to wait for next year to end the playoff drought.
13.) San Antonio Spurs
Like this year’s New England Patriots team that has started the NFL season an uninspiring 2-3, the San Antonio Spurs are officially removed from their 15 year dynasty. For the first time in the Gregg Popovich era, this team might be really bad not on purpose. It’s tough to see a scenario where a core of Derrick White, Dejounte Murray, Olympian Keldon Johnson, and Devin Vassell gets anywhere near the playoffs. Some are indicating that this might be Pop’s last season in San Antonio, and if that happens this becomes a full on rebuild.
14.) Houston Rockets
Last season the Rockets were one of the saddest teams in the league. James Harden decided he was over it and they eventually traded him for a lot of future picks and almost nothing tangible in 2021. However, with one draft pick it seems like Houston is somehow one of the more interesting young teams in the league. Houston took Jalen Green with the second pick in the NBA Draft, and traded for the 16th pick and leading candidate for “rookie of the year or out of the league in two seasons” Alperen Sengün. Green might put up 25 a night in his rookie year, but the Rockets are thin as hell behind him. 2020-21 All-Rookie First Teamer Jae’Sean Tate is a nice piece. Christian Wood looks to build on a promising last few years, and Kevin Porter Jr. and Kenyon Martin Jr. are people who are horrible at basketball. John Wall is looking for a trade, but doesn’t fit this team’s rebuilding timeline anyway. It’s a weird mix of youngsters that might not amount to anything, but if most hit Houston could be a fun team to keep your eye on in 2026.
15.) Oklahoma City Thunder
If not for Shai Gilgeous-Alexander the Thunder would be far and away the worst team in the association, and they still might be with him. The team that was most obviously tanking at the end of last season got a bit unlucky in the draft lottery nabbing the sixth pick and drafting Josh Giddey. Outside of that you have Lu Dort, Poku, and a whole lot of guys that won’t be on the roster in six months. OKC is probably already tanking for the 2022 draft.
NBA Finals
Brooklyn Nets 4 Los Angeles Lakers 3
Finals MVP: Kevin Durant
Even if Kyrie Irving is dumb enough to sit out the entire season (and maybe retire) because he doesn’t understand science and wants to make a phony statement, I still think Durant and Harden are enough to drag the Nets to a championship. Durant went to-to-toe and probably outplayed Giannis in the second round slugfest last season, doing it mostly without Irving and Harden. The Lakers will prove a daunting challenge but ultimately I believe Kevin Durant is the best player in the league, Harden is probably like 6th and their depth with outplay the Lakers role players to give the Nets their first title and the first basketball championship in New York since 1973. Durant puts up an absurd line of something like 37 points, nine rebounds, and six assists per game on 55/45/95 shooting in a seven game classic to win Finals MVP.
Awards
Executive of the Year
Sean Marks, Brooklyn Nets
I reserve the right to amend this pick if and when Ben Simmons gets moved. In a season where we haven’t seen any franchise altering moves (Russell Westbrook to LA not withstanding) it’s tough to decide which executive has done the best job. If the Warriors trade for Simmons and they contend for a championship, Bob Myers will get a lot of consideration. Same goes for any other contender that makes a big league swing at a star player. For now I see Marks winning as a culmination of previous moves and a championship will cement this pick. If he gets Kyrie to get the vaccine just hand it to him the minute the tracker goes into Kyrie’s arm.
Coach of the Year
Nate McMillan, Atlanta Hawks
Is a play-in game appearance for the Minnesota Timberwolves enough to get Chris Finch in the conversation? Finch should win if he wins 35 games with the worst run franchise in sports, but realistically I’ll go with Atlanta’s Nate McMillan. Nate the great took a seemingly broken Hawks team and led them to a 27-11 record after he took over for Lloyd Pierce, and led them to the Eastern Conference Finals where Atlanta took Milwaukee to six games. If the Hawks can pick up where they left off, McMillan should be a shoe-in for the award.
Most Improved Player
Darius Garland
For the better part of the 21st century, the NBA’s MIP is usually given to a good young player who raises their game to borderline All-Star/All-Pro territory (and some guy named Bobby Simmons in 2004-05). This year that player is Cleveland Cavaliers third-year point guard Darius Garland.
6th Man of the Year
Jordan Poole
This all depends on how quickly Klay Thompson returns from his two-year injury odyssey as Poole will start at shooting guard in the five-time All-Star’s absence. He’s lighting it up in the preseason, and like Kenny Wu becoming an honorary Bash Brother in D2: The Mighty Ducks, Jordan Poole is the unofficial third Splash Brother this season.
Rookie of the Year
Cade Cunningham
This could be the most exciting crop of rookies as a whole since LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh in 2003. All of the top-five picks have a chance to win Rookie of the Year and become potential star players in the NBA. Jalen Green might score 25 points per game in Houston, Jalen Suggs might be the best player on the Magic already, Scottie Barnes looks like a two-way point-forward menace in Toronto, and Evan Mobley might be the next Kevin Garnett. However, the consensus number one overall pick, Cade Cunningham, is my pick for Rookie of the Year. Cade has a chance to become one of the most exciting you players in recent memory in Detroit. He can play point, play on the wing, he’s a good defender, and can shoot lights out on or off the ball. He might not score as much as Green, or make as many highlight plays as Barnes and Mobley, but Cunningham is the best all-around rookie and with some talent around him could make some noise in Detroit. His stats will probably look something like LaMelo Ball’s rookie season last year, something like 17 points, five rebounds, and five assists should get it done.
Defensive Player of the Year
Joel Embiid
With or without Ben Simmons, Joel Embiid is one of the best post defenders in the NBA. He’s going to have to do even more if and when Simmons gets traded, and the narrative is ripe for him to pick up some major hardware if he keeps Philadelphia in the hunt in the East with a top-five defense, he should garner plenty of consideration for both DPOY and MVP. He just has to stay healthy and play at least 65 games for the firs time in his career.
MVP
Kevin Durant
Like I mentioned before, I believe Durant is the best overall player in the NBA. He was the leader for the award last season until he got injured, then came back and was one shoe size away from sending the eventual champion Bucks packing in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semis. Kyrie Irving isn’t playing because all of the news he consumes begins with “BANNED ON FACEBOOK!!!” so Durant will have to shoulder even more of the load. His biggest competition is Luka Doncic who might struggle to win 50 games, Joel Embiid who is missing his partner in crime, and Giannis who beat Durant in the playoffs, won the championship and Finals MVP with a dominant performance. Durant wins his second MVP, third championship, and third Finals MVP to cement his place as a top-10 player ever.
All-NBA First Team
Guard: Luka Doncic
Guard: Trae Young
Forward: Giannis Antetokounmpo
Forward: Kevin Durant
Center: Joel Embiid
The big surprise here is Trae Young in the second guard spot ahed of more conventional selections like Steph Curry, Damian Lillard, or James Harden. The 2018 draft night trade that sent the third pick to Dallas and the fifth pick to Atlanta finally fully takes over the league four years later. Trae Young’s ascent to All-NBA First-Team will finally shut up incessant criticism of the Hawks for Giving up Doncic at three to draft Trae Young with the fifth pick. At this point Luka, Durant, and Giannis all seem like first team mainstays with Embiid taking the first team spot away from last year’s MVP Nikola Jokic.
All-NBA Second Team
Guard: Steph Curry
Guard: James Harden
Forward: LeBron James
Forward: Anthony Davis
Center: Nikola Jokic
No surprises on the second team. LeBron James keeps plugging along in year 19. Anthony Davis returns rom an injury plagued season to help carry the load alongside James to lead the Lakers to the number one seed in the West. James Harden picks up the slack with Kyrie Irving set to miss Brooklyn’s home games this season. Jokic, last year’s MVP, slides down to the second team and will miss Jamal Murray for most or all of the regular season. I’m not necessarily predicting Steph to have a down season, I mostly just think Trae Young is going to erupt and usurp Steph for the second spot on the first team.
All-NBA Third Team
Guard: Damian Lillard
Guard: Donovan Mitchell
Forward: Jayson Tatum
Forward: Jimmy Butler
Center: Karl-Anthony Towns
I can hear Leigh Ellis now yelling Hoooooooooomer!!!! How do you have KAT on the third team, he’s so disappointing? Fair, Bam, Gobert, and Ayton all have a better chance to be the third-team center, but I believe KAT will have a resurgent season and the Wolves will surprise people with an appearance in the play-in tournament. The other surprise here is Donovan Mitchell over other guards like Chris Paul, Devin Booker, Bradley Beal, Russell Westbrook and a dozen other guards. Mitchell is the leader of a Jazz team that could easily repeat as the top seed out West. The fifth-year guard would have made All-NBA last year if not for a late season injury. The rest of the entries make sense from a narrative and talent standpoint. Tatum, Butler, and Lillard are all amongst the best 15 players in the league and barring injury should show up on an All-NBA team for the next few years. Biggest snubs include: Devin Booker, Chris Paul, Bradley Beal, Zion Williamson, Ja Morant, Russell Westbrook, Jaylen Brown, Ben Simmons, Bam, and of course Anthony Edwards.
All-Defensive First Team
Guard: Jrue Holliday
Guard: Matisse Thybulle
Forward: Giannis Antetokoumpo
Forward: Anthony Davis
Center: Joel Embiid
I left Ben Simmons off the first team because I don’t know where he’s going to play this season. It’s hard to see him in Sacramento anchoring a good defense. Holiday and Thybulle are two of the best perimeter defenders in the league, with Giannis, Davis, and Embiid the class of the big men. I left Gobert off the first team because I feel like the Jazz take a small step back and people begin to have Stiffle Tower fatigue.
All-Defensive Second Team
Guard: Lu Dort
Guard: Ben Simmons
Forward: OG Anunoby
Forward: Draymond Green
Center: Bam Adebayo
Don’t worry too much, I’m not dumb enough to think Ben Simmons is going to fall past the second team. Lu Dort is a fan favorite, OG is an MIP candidate, and Draymond and Bam are arguably the two most versatile defensive forwards in the game.
All-Rookie First Team
Guard: Jalen Green
Guard: Jalen Suggs
Guard: Cade Cunningham
Forward: Scottie Barnes
Center: Evan Mobley
The first team is pretty cut and try as the top five picks are head-and-shoulders above the rest of the draft class. Cade, Scottie, Evan, and the Jalens should all either start or play big minutes off the bench for their teams right away. Green might score 25 points per game right out of the gate. Cunningham and Suggs should establish themselves as reliable team leaders immediately, and Barnes and Mobley have great two-way upside.
All-Rookie Second Team
Guard: Davion Mitchell
Forward: Alperen Sengun
Forward: Corey Kispert
Forward: Franz Wagner
Forward: Luka Garza
The second team is way more interesting to parse than the first team. After the top five this class kind of falls off a cliff. A lot of people that aren’t me love Sengün and think he can contribute right away, Davion Mitchell is a lockdown defender already, Kispert is the best shooter in the draft class, and I’ll just take a chance on Wagner and Garza getting enough playing time to shine on their shitty teams.
Again, when these predictions are all wrong, who gives a shit, I’m just some guy on the internet. If you really want to get mad go yell at John Hollinger.
If it is to be said, so it is…so it be. Like Cousin Greg, it’s hard to find the words to describe the rest of the draft picks 241-450 so we’ll leave it unsaid here. If you want a deeper dive on each pick listen to our podcast like you should have been doing all along.
Round 9: The Inefficiency
Pick 241: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Jrue Holiday
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 3x All-Defensive
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry, Zion Williamson, Otis Birdsong
Pick 242: Miami Heat (John): Kevin Willis
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Billy Cunningham, Fat Lever, Rudy Tomjanovich, Latrell Sprewell
Pick 243: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Rik Smits
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker, Al Horford, Gordon Hayward
Pick 244: Utah Jazz (John): Larry Johnson
Stats: 2x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1991-92 ROY
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton, Larry Nance, Gus Williams
Pick 245: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Derek Harper
Stats: 2x All-Defensive
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones, Rich Guerin, Larry Foust
Pick 246: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Rashard Lewis
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing, LaMarcus Aldridge, Stephon Marbury, Alvin Robertson, Vin Baker
Pick 247: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Fred Brown
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x All-Star
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens, Joe Johnson, Draymond Green, DeMarcus Cousins, Rod Strickland, Terry Cummings
This is the awkward part of the draft where we have to start weighing how early to pick current stars who may have only played two or three years in the league. How do you compare these 22-year-olds with 15 year veterans? well, we tried.
Round 7: New Blood
Pick 181: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Zion Williamson
Stats: 1x All-Star
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge, Spencer Haywood, Robert Horry
Zion Williamson has only played 85 games in his career but already looks like an all-time talent. If he can stay healthy, Zion could be the next Charles Barkley.
Pick 182: Miami Heat (John): Rudy Tomjanovich
Stats: 5x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion, Billy Cunningham, Fat Lever
A middle class version of Billy Cunningham as a player and a coach.
Pick 183: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Al Horford
Stats: 5x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel, Mark Price, Kemba Walker
The most consistently B+ player of the last 15 years.
Pick 184: Utah Jazz (John): Larry Nance
Stats: 3x All-Star, 3x All-Defensive
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love, Glen Rice, Rip Hamilton
Magic, King, and Nance are officially the Showtime Jazz.
Pick 185: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Rich Guerin
Stats: 6x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming, Gail Goodrich, Eddie Jones
The third iteration of the mega-draft is where things get insanely difficult. The rest of this draft could devolve into a really boring game of “what about this guy”. The remainder of the draft also doesn’t have the established hierarchy that the top 100 does, which is what makes it fun. There’s 4,000 players that you could conceivably take in the 150-450 which will inevitably lead to taking huge reaches and guys who should have gone in the top 120 falling to 220. So sit back, relax, and don’t get pissed off at the next two rounds.
Round 5: The “should have been round three ” guys
Pick 121: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Spencer Haywood
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x ABA MVP, 4x NBA All-Star (1x ABA), 4x All-NBA (1x All-ABA), 1969-70 ABA ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard, Bob Dandridge
Just give the Pacers their championship now as long as they keep him off of cocaine.
Pick 122: Miami Heat (John): Billy Cunningham
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x ABA MVP, 4x NBA All-Star (1x ABA), 4x All-NBA (1x All-ABA), Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter, Shawn Marion
How did Hall of Famer Billy Cunningham fall to 122nd? Maybe we aren’t the best at this.
Pick 123: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Mark Price
Stats: 4x All-Star, 4x All-NBA
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe, Dan Issel
The original Steph Curry.
Pick 124: Utah Jazz (John): Glen Rice
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x All-Star, 2x All-NBA
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King, Kevin Love
Continuing the all offense no defense theme in Utah.
Pick 125: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Gail Goodrich
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker, Yao Ming
One of the most overlooked stars of the late ’60s and ’70s.
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman, Dave Bing
One of the most overlooked stars of the last 15 years. Even most NBA fans probably wouldn’t guess that Aldridge made seven All-Star teams and five All-NBA teams.
I have a prediction to make, these are the last two rounds that anyone will actually care about. The NBA is a relatively new league with far fewer players than say the MLB or NFL. That means there aren’t nearly as many all-time great players in the history of the NBA. Once you get around 100-150 the names begin to drop off from hall of famers to guys who were pretty good for like three years very quickly. That being said, there are still a lot of interesting decisions to be made. Do you value modern players with fewer accolades over old school guys who maybe won a few championships but missed out on the personal glory? Do you value guards over bigs? Which position will dry up first? and so on. One trigger warning I’ll make, this isn’t a list of the best players ever, it’s a draft where dozens of variables are taken into consideration to try to build the best teams. Your favorite point guard may fall 20 spots because all of the other teams already have point guards. Not to say we (John) didn’t make some huge reaches for guys who maybe wouldn’t have been picked this high, but that’s what happens in drafts and that’s why they’re fun. Without further ado, here are rounds three and four of our mega-draft.
Round 3: The Guys You Have Still Heard Of
Pick 61: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Damian Lillard
Stats: 6x All-Star, 6x All-Pro, 2012-13 ROY
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish
It’s Dame time in Indianapolis. This team is going to mow everyone else down in the playoffs.
Pick 62: Miami Heat (John): Vince Carter
Stats: 8x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1998-99 ROY
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson
It’s been about 15 years since Vince Carter was a relevant NBA player, which is insane to think about because he just retired a year ago. Most people know him as the greatest dunker ever and It’s hard to remember how good Vinsanity really was during his prime in the early 2000’s.
Pick 63: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Earl Monroe
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1967-68 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning
Earl Monroe has the coolest nicknames in NBA history. A smattering of the best on Basketball Reference include: The Pearl, Black Jesus, The Lord’s Prayer, Einstein, and Thomas Edison.
Pick 64: Utah Jazz (John): Bernard King
Stats: 4x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo
The Jazz are going to score 130 points a game, and give up 140.
A proven winner joins two more proven winners in Russell and Worthy. Charlotte won’t be flashy, but will get the job done when it matters.
Pick 66: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Dennis Rodman
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 8x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler
Milwaukee is going to burn to the ground by Christmas.
Pick 67: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Dave Cowens
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 8x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive, 1970-71 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook
Phoenix has officially become Boston-West (and Westbrook).
Pick 68: Minnesota Timberwolves (John): Alex English
Stats: 8x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton
The coolest team is forming with the lamest franchise.
Pick 69: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Manu Ginobili
Stats: 4x NBA Champion, 2x All-Star, 2x All-NBA
Teammates: Shaquille O’Neal, Paul Pierce
Manu will quickly become the most popular player in Philly after Shaq shows up out of shape and Paul Pierce will just be an annoying shit and Manu will show up and play ball.
Pick 70: Houston Rockets (John): Grant Hill
Stats: 7x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1994-95 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady
The what-if 2000 Orlando Magic free agency dream team is finally real.
Pick 71: Boston Celtics (Phil): Dikembe Mutombo
Stats: 8x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 6x All-Defensive, 4x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kobe Bryant, Dominique Wilkins
The Celtics are back and are going to dunk everything on your fucking head and block every shot and kinda be dicks about it.
Pick 72: Detroit Pistons (John): Luka Doncic
Stats: 2x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 2018-19 ROY
Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed
Luka is a lock to be top-30 when we inevitably redo this in ten years.
Pick 73: Washington Wizards (Phil): Wes Unseld
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 5x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1968-69 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin
Unseld is back in Washington and ready to bring the outlet pass highlight back to prominence.
Pick 74: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Pau Gasol
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 2001-02 ROY
Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller
Pau goes back to Memphis to bring the super exciting duo of Dr. J and Reggie Miller back down to Earth a bit.
Pick 75: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Dwight Howard
Stats: 6x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 2x Scoring Champ, 1976-77 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes
A scoring machine to team up with the two rebounding machines.
Pick 77: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Pete Maravich
Stats: 5x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 1x Scoring champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier
Pistol Pete was probably the most electrifying player in the NBA before Bird, Magic, and Jordan took over in the ’80s.
Pick 78: Chicago Bulls (John): Sam Jones
Stats: 10x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy
Forgive us Bill Simmons for Sam Jones falling all the way to 78.
Pick 79: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Bob Lanier
Stats: 8x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen
A frontcourt of Lanier and Kevin Garnett should scare the shit out of every team thats not the big beer Mavericks.
Pick 80: Brooklyn Nets (John): David Thompson
Stats: 4x NBA All-Star (1x ABA), 2x All-NBA (1x All-ABA), 1975-76 ABA ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton
This man is going to die in Brooklyn. Thankfully David Robinson and John Stockton are the two most boring players of the last 30 years and will hopefully save his life.
Pick 81: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Artis Gilmore
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 1x ABA MVP, 6x NBA All-Star (5x ABA), 5x All-ABA, 5x All-Defensive, 1971-72 ABA ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd
With his hair he was probably 7’8″.
Pick 82: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Hal Greer
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 10x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan
No offense to Hal Greer, but he might be the first player taken where even some real NBA fans are like “Who is Hal Greer”.
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton
The best point guard that nobody ever brings up in the best point guard conversation.
Pick 84: Atlanta Hawks (John): Chris Webber
Stats: 5x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1993-94 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Dwyane Wade, Anthony Davis
Chris Webber makes this arguably the sexiest team so far, but I’m not sure he makes it any better.
Pick 85: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Derrick Rose
Stats: 1x NBA MVP, 3x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 2008-09 ROY
Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit
I would give all of my crypto to see 2011 Derrick Rose go back in time to 1963 and see Havlicek and Pettit’s reactions.
Pick 86: Orlando Magic (John): Carmelo Anthony
Stats: 10x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ
Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden
The Ringer’s Kevin Clark is going to have the time of his life with this team for about 12 games, then he’s going to ride the tea cups at Disney World until he looses consciousness.
Pick 87: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Kyrie Irving
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 2011-12 ROY
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale
Kyrie in LA is somehow going to be more insufferable than in Brooklyn.
Pick 88: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Nate Thurmond
Stats: 7x All-Star, 5x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Isiah Thomas, Scottie Pippen
Nate is going to have to crack some skulls from day one.
Pick 89: New York Knicks (Phil): Klay Thompson
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive
Teammates: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Steve Nash
The new Splash Brothers and Giannis are going to get Knicks fans’ hopes up so high they’re gonna be devastated when they inevitably crash out of the playoffs in crushing fashion.
Pick 90: San Antonio Spurs (John): Chris Mullin
Stats: 5x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing
One-third of Run TMC with Golden state in the early ’90s now becomes the third wheel with two of the best losers of all time.
Round 4: The Drop-off
Pick 91: San Antonio Spurs (John): Amar’e Stoudemire
Stats: 6x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 2002-03 ROY
Teammates: Chris Paul, Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin
Just another addition to the “none of these guys have won shit” team.
Pick 92: New York Knicks (Phil): Paul George
Stats: 7x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 4x All-Defensive
Teammates: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Steve Nash, Klay Thompson
Current NBA fans forget that Pre-Pandemic P was the closest thing to LeBron that we’ve seen in the NBA since he entered the league.
Pick 93: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Joe Dumars
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 6x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 5x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Pick 94: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Sidney Moncrief
Stats: 5x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 5x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard, Kevin McHale, Kyrie Irving
Sidney Moncrief had a five year run from 1981-82 through 1985-86 where he was named an All-Star, All-NBA, and All-Defensive player every season. He’s the ’80s version of Kawhi Leonard.
Pick 95: Orlando Magic (John): Dave DeBusschere
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 8x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 6x All-Defensive, Hall 0f Fame
Teammates: Allen Iverson, James Harden, Carmelo Anthony
Finally, someone who isn’t a score-first ball dominant headcase.
Pick 96: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Bill Sharman
Stats: 4x NBA Champion, 8x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: John Havlicek, Bob Pettit, Derrick Rose
This just makes the Derrick Rose pick that much better dropping him on a team of ’50s and 60’s All-Stars.
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 12x All-Star, 12x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Charles Barkley, Bill Walton, Tiny Archibald
Probably good to go by Dolph when your name is Adolph and you made your NBA debut in 1949.
Pick 99: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Jerry Lucas
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1963-64 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Elgin Baylor, George Mikan, Hal Greer
This old timers team kinda kicks ass.
Pick 100: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Mitch Richmond
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1988-89 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Artis Gilmore
Mitch Richmond makes his long awaited return to the Kings to remind fans that he impacts winning 0% of the time.
Pick 101: Brooklyn Nets (John): Connie Hawkins
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 1x ABA MVP, 4x NBA all-Star (1x ABA), 1x All-NBA (2x All-ABA), Hall of Fame
Teammates: David Robinson, John Stockton, David Thompson
Possibly the greatest basketball player of his era who got blackballed by the NBA until he was past his prime.
Pick 102: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Tim Hardaway Sr.
Stats: 5x All-Star, 5x All-NBA
Teammates: Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Bob Lanier
Tim Hardaway and Kevin Garnett might be more exciting than Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen.
Pick 103: Chicago Bulls (John): Walt Bellamy
Stats: 4x All-Star, 1961-62 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Jerry West, Bob Cousy, Sam Jones
Gives the small core some much-needed big beef.
Pick 104: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Nikola Jokic
Stats: 1x NBA MVP, 3x All-Star, 3x All-NBA
Teammates: Karl Malone, Walt Frazier, Pete Maravich
The reigning MVP adds a versatile point-center to pair with scoring machine Karl Malone in the frontcourt. Jokic, Frazier, and Maravich can all initiate the offense and create one of the most intriguing lineups so far.
Pick 105: Dallas Mavericks (John): Joel Embiid
Stats: 4x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive
Teammates: Moses Malone, Elvin Hayes, Adrian Dantley
This team will grab every rebound that’s ever been available in the history of organized sports.
Pick 106: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Tom Heinsohn
Stats: 8x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 1956-57 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Steph Curry, Rick Barry, Dwight Howard
A swiss army knife that will help fans forget about the grade A assholes that populate the roster.
Pick 107: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Blake Griffin
Stats: 6x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 2010-11 ROY
Teammates: Julius Erving, Reggie Miller, Pau Gasol
Memphis just became the real lob city.
Pick 108: Washington Wizards (Phil): Chris Bosh
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 11x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Oscar Robertson, George Gervin, Wes Unseld
Bosh was the third-wheel for two Heat Championships and might be the perfect fourth-wheel in Washington alongside beefy Wes Unseld.
Pick 109: Detroit Pistons (John): Kyle Lowry
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 6x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Kevin Durant, Willis Reed, Luka Doncic
Lowry brings some added toughness to the backcourt and can take some ball-handling pressure off Luka Doncic.
For the first time in history the Celtics might be the sexiest tam in the league. Penny, Kobe, Dominique, and Dikembe make this the leader for League Pass team of the year.
Pick 111: Houston Rockets (John): Lenny Wilkens
Stats: 9x All-Star, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Tim Duncan, Tracy McGrady, Grant Hill
Between playing and coaching, Lenny Wilkens may have done more for the NBA than almost any other person.
Pick 112: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Kevin Johnson
Stats: 3x All-Star, 5x All-NBA
Teammates: Shaquille O’Neal, Paul Pierce, Manu Ginobili
The former mayor of Sacramento will need to bring his political savvy to keep this weird hodgepodge of players happy in Philly.
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon, Gary Payton, Alex English
Reunites the ’96 Sonics dup that took Jordan’s 72-win Bulls to six games in the 1996 NBA Finals. The Wolves are finally back with one of the best first four picks in draft history.
Pick 114: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Joe Johnson
Stats: 7x All-Star, 1x All-NBA
Teammates: Larry Bird, Russell Westbrook, Dave Cowens
This is the official beginning of the “we don’t know what we’re doing” section of the draft.
Pick 115: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Dave Bing
Stats: 7x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, 1966-67 ROY, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain, Clyde Drexler, Dennis Rodman
Just has to get the ball to Wilt and stay far away from Rodman for this to work.
Pick 116: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Yao Ming
Stats: 8x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Bill Russell, James Worthy, Tony Parker
Not sure if Yao is the perfect center to put next to Bill Russell or this is a horrible idea, but this frontline will get the people talking and made Charlotte the de facto most popular team worldwide.
Pick 117: Utah Jazz (John): Kevin Love
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA
Teammates: Magic Johnson, Bob McAdoo, Bernard King
Magic will love a big who can shoot threes who can also get him an in with the Beach Boys.
Pick 118: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Dan Issel
Stats: 1x ABA Champion, 1x NBA All-Star (6x ABA), 5x All-ABA, 1970-71 ABA ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: LeBron James, Alonzo Mourning, Earl Monroe
Scoring center who did most of his damage in the ABA should be an interesting fit next to Alonzo Mourning.
Pick 119: Miami Heat (John): Shawn Marion
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 2x All-NBA
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Dennis Johnson, Vince Carter
The Matrix gives the Heat an all-around presence who might have the wonkiest shooting motion of any borderline hall of famer.
Pick 120: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Bob Dandridge
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Michael Jordan, Robert Parish, Damian Lillard
A two-time champ who can be MJ’s new poor-man’s Scottie Pippen.
Draft beer, the NBA Draft, the movie Draft Day, conscription; ok maybe not the last one, but drafts (for the most part) are fun. Everyone has a good time, the people getting drafted (again non-military) get to usually fulfill a lifelong dream while the people drafting are having fun, joy, and merriment (or going fast if you’re racing). In sports the draft is the beginning of a career and the best way to make you team better. In everyday life, people use drafts all of the time. Friends get together for a fantasy football draft, podcasters may have a friendly movie draft, or parents have a kid draft (you don’t want to be last in that one), but for the most part these hypothetical “just for fun” drafts are short and unfinished. Let’s change that.
Most previous All time NBA lists or drafts are capped at 100 players. “The top 100 players in NBA history”, “Re-drafting the first round of the 1984 NBA Draft”, “one player every team should draft”, and so on. It’s usually a fun exercise but I’m usually left wanting more. who is the 121st best player ever? So we decided to take all 30 current NBA teams and using a snake-draft format, draft a full 15-man roster for each team. If you can do math at home that’s 450 players in total plus a head coach for each franchise. If your immediate reaction is ” I can’t even think of 450 NBA players”, well neither can I so that’s not an excuse to sit this one out.
This whole exercise started out as a podcast which you can listen to here for even more expert analysis and insight on each pick. The reason this also turned into a blog is because I thought it would be easier for the listeners to keep track of all of the picks if I write them down because god knows we could hardly keep track of them ourselves.
The rules of the game were fairly simple. We took all 30 current NBA franchises and put them into a randomizer to get the draft order. We flipped a coin to see who would get the first pick (me) and then alternated teams between the two of us. When it came to drafting players there were no rules. If you wanted to take Stephon Marbury first, then you’re an idiot and kind of ruined the project, but no one is going to stop you. You could construct a team anyway you saw fit. All-point guards, only Europeans, every player from the 1992 Timberwolves, whatever you wanted to do was legal. Like the purge but for NBA nerds.
Without further ado, here are rounds 1-2 of the All-Time NBA Mega-Draft. (Don’t @ me if your favorite players are eight spots lower than where you would have taken them in your 450 person hypothetical draft.)
Round 1:The Building Blocks
Pick 1: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Michael Jordan
Stats: 6x NBA Champion, 5x NBA MVP, 6x Finals MVP, 14x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, 10x Scoring Champ, 1984-85 ROY, Hall of Fame
An absolute no-brainer of a first overall pick. MJ is quite clearly the greatest basketball player of all time and sadly still has the best Space Jam movie ever made. The GOAT could take a team of high school players and probably make the playoffs against the rest of the mega-draft field. It makes me happy that the Pacers got him, because they fucking hate him.
Pick 2: Miami Heat (John): Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Stats: 6x NBA Champion, 6x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 19x All-Star, 15x All-NBA, 11x All-Defensive, All-Time Leading Scorer, 2x Scoring Champ, 1969-70 ROY, Hall of Fame
LeBron fans are coming for John for denying a Heatles reunion and allowing him to fall past the second pick but Kareem is arguably the best big man ever and at any point between 1946 and 2015 would be the slam dunk player you wan to build your team around. Unfortunately for him it is 2021 and we’ve finally figured out that versatile wings are the most valuable players in the game. Kareem does have one thing going for him, he’s a better actor and MJ and LeBron.
A gift from the dumbass gods, somehow LeBron falls to the Nuggets with the third pick. Some will argue that he should have been the obvious number one pick (those people are wrong), but LeBron is clearly the best player we’ve seen since Jordan (and the worst actor). He’ll somehow get knocked in this exercise for building a super team, but that’s kind of the point.
Pick 4: Utah Jazz (John): Magic Johnson
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, 3x NBA MVP, 3x Finals MVP, 12x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Magic Johnson is going to fucking hate Salt Lake City. I give it about 16 games before he requests a trade to the Lakers or the Heat. His twitter handle will be a must follow during the season for all the obvious stuff he’s going to “notice” while he’s there. @MagicJohnson: Wow, sure is cold in Salt Lake City in February. @MagicJohnson: Awful lot of white people around me. @MagicJohnson (channeling his inner Eric Bledsoe): I don’t want to be here. He’ll still probably turn it into a party city.
Pick 5: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): Bill Russell
Stats: 11x NBA Champion, 5x NBA MVP, 12x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Russell his going to bring his 11 rings to Charlotte and a franchise that doesn’t have a lot of experience winning. The best defensive player in NBA history is the perfect anchor for this smaller market team, and Russell will be a big part of the community as well. The perfect value/character pick at number five.
Pick 6: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Wilt Chamberlain
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 4x MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 13x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, All-Time Leader in Rebounds, 1959-60 ROY, 7x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Is it possible to have sex with every person in a city, because Wilt is definitely going to try it in Milwaukee bringing new meaning to the Cream City nickname. Wilt’s individual stats are legendary, but I’m worried how he’ll fair going up against the best of the best every night. Bill Russell owned him during their careers and Wilt never had anyone to match his height and athleticism. Now in a league with the likes of Shaq, David Robinson, and Giannis, it will be interesting to see how he holds up.
Pick 7: Phoenix Suns (Phil): Larry Bird
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 3x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 12x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive, 1979-80 Roy, Hall of Fame
The desert air will do wonders for Larry Legend’s back issues so Phoenix is the perfect landing spot for the three-time champ. The hick from French Lick can turn his good ole’ Midwestern persona into a modern day Wild West cowboy. Like Val Kilmer in Tombstone, Bird has a chance to walk around town spouting non sequiturs, calling people a daisy, and shooting the shit out of everyone he sees.
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 12x All-Star, 12x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
What better way to replace Kevin Garnett in Minnesota than a wholesale upgrade to Hakeem Olajuwon. The Dream is one of the most well-rounded players in the history of the NBA. He’s one of the best defensive players to ever do it, a two-time Defensive Player of the Year, and he had an array of post moves and made David Robinson his bitch in the 1995 Western Conference Finals. He’s the perfect player to build around and should give Wolves fans hope that John didn’t totally blow it for them already.
Pick 9: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Shaquille O’Neal
Stats: 4x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 3x Finals MVP, 15x All-Star, 14x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive, 1992-93 ROY, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Uh oh, 76ers fans just turned on Ben Simmons for missing a shit ton of free throws in the playoffs, and here comes Shaq, a career 52.7 percent free throw shooter that drops to 50.4 percent in the playoffs. Hack-a-Shaq will be in full force in Philly, but who the hell cares he’s the most physically dominant player of the last 40 years. Shaq can bully any other center in the paint whether he’s in shape or not (lay off the cheesesteaks perhaps) and is a slam dunk pick at 9.
Pick 10: Houston Rockets (John): Tim Duncan
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 3x Finals MVP, 15x All-Star, 15x All-NBA, 15x All-Defensive, 1997-98 ROY, Hall of Fame
Rounding out the top ten is the big fundamental himself Tim Duncan. TD presided over a dynasty in San Antonio, winning five championships from 1999 to 2014. He might not be the flashiest player ever, but Duncan got the job done and is arguably the greatest teammate since Bill Russell. He’s a steal with the tenth pick as any team built around Duncan will compete for a title for the next 15 years.
Pick 11: Boston Celtics (Phil): Kobe Bryant
Stats: 5x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 18x All-Star, 15x All-NBA, 12x All-Defensive, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
I may never be able to show my face in Boston after taking Kobe Bryant with the 11th pick. Kobe might be on the Mount Rushmore of most hated players in Boston sports history. He beat the Celtics in 2010 to secure the fifth championship in his illustrious career. If the Celtics can get over the fact that he’s a lifetime Laker, they’ll instantly fall in love with his tenacity and drive to win, but it’s going to be hard to win over the Boston fans who love grit and grind stars like Dave Cowens and Kevin McHale above the flash and celebrity that Kobe brought back to the Lakers.
Pick 12: Detroit Pistons (John): Kevin Durant
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 11x All-Star, 9x All-NBA, 4x Scoring Champ, 2007-08 ROY
Detroit and Durant seem like a perfect fit. Everyone hated the Bad Boy Pistons in the ’80s, and everyone kind of hates KD today. He seems to be a natural shit stirrer a la Isiah Thomas back in the day. This exercise is tailor made for Durant, he gets to play with other all-time greats and build a super team and if people don’t like it, who cares because it’s not real. But mega-draft Twitter is real and KD will be the villain from day one.
Pick 13: Washington Wizards (Phil): Oscar Robertson
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 12x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 1960-61 ROY, Hall of Fame
It’s interesting that Washington just got rid of the new king of the triple double in Russell Westbrook and are bringing in the original triple double king in Oscar Robertson. The Big O averaged 30.4 points, 10 rebounds, and 10.7 assists per game over the first six seasons of his career. He didn’t win a championship until 1971 when he finally teamed up with Kareem, but Oscar is the ultimate Swiss Army Knife and the perfect point guard to build around.
Pick 14: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Julius Erving
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x ABA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 3x ABA MVP, 11x NBA All-Star (5x ABA), 7x All-NBA, 5x All-ABA, Hall of Fame
Memphis seems to be a small market that is actually built for Dr. J. He refused to go to Milwaukee in 1972, but Memphis is a bit cooler, jazzier than Memphis which fits the mythos surrounding Julius Erving. Arguably the sexiest player that ever lived both on and off the court, and will bring his fluid above the rim style of play to Tennessee, the Grit and Grind Grizzlies they are not. This will be the early favorite for the League Pass team of the year.
Pick 15: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Steph Curry
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 7x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 2x Scoring Champ
Had to do it. Steph Curry is Mr. Bay Area, they love him there. We’re going to sell a million jerseys and this is the first team that is prioritizing three-point shooting. Curry is the greatest shooter in history and will drag out old guards to the tree-point line and make them pick him up as soon as he crosses mid-court. Bob Cousy, Isiah Thomas, John Stockton and others are going to have a hell of a time chasing him all around the court for 48 minutes.
Pick 16: Dallas Mavericks (John): Moses Malone
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 3x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 12x NBA All-Star (1x ABA), 8x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Moses brings the big beef to Dallas as the fifth best rebounder ever. A three-time MVP, Malone finally took the 76ers over the hump when he was traded to Philly in 1982 and led them to the 1983 title. He doesn’t have much of a mid-range game, but can hold his own in the paint against bigger centers like Shaq and Wilt. Moses might be the most underrated and forgotten about inner-circle Hall of Famers and getting him at 16 is an absolute steal.
Pick 17: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Karl Malone
Stats: 2x NBA MVP, 14x All-Star, 14x All-NBA, 4x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
After just missing out on Moses, the Cavs have to settle for the other Malone, Karl. The Mailman was no slouch scoring 36,928 points in his career, second all time to Kareem. He teamed up with John Stockton to make two-straight NBA Finals in 1997 and 1998. Unfortunately, they ran into the Jordan Bulls buzzsaw and never got over the hump. Malone will need a good running mate, but can lead his team deep into the playoffs.
Pick 18: Chicago Bulls (John): Jerry West
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 14x All-Star, 12x All-NBA, 5x All-Defensive, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Jerry West was so good he once won Finals MVP in 1969 for the losing team. The fucking Logo was a next level scorer who could have scored 40 points per game if there was a three-point line in the ’60s. West made the All-Star team ever year of his career and was every bit the face of the league as Russell, Wilt, Oscar, and Elgin Baylor were. The Bulls won’t get their beloved Michael Jordan, but they get the original great two-way scoring guard in Jerry West.
Pick 19: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Kevin Garnett
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 15x All-Star, 9x All-NBA, 12x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Kevin Garnett is an absolute psycho and my favorite athlete ever, so I had to take him in the top-20 and give him to the Raptors. It kind of mirrors real life when he was drafted by the Timberwolves in 1995. Toronto is a newer franchise with little history in its side other than the Kawhi championship in 2019. Now, Garnett has a chance to go to a lesser franchise once again and become the face of sports in the city and bring his tenacity to build a winner in the frozen tundra. KG might be the most versatile player in the last 25 years. A 6’11” center with guard handles who can knock down mid-range shots in his sleep and step out to three all while being one of the greatest defenders of his era. The man almost took 34-year-old Sam Cassell and Latrell Sprewell to a championship. If he can do that, he can win in Toronto with anyone.
Pick 20: Brooklyn Nets (John): David Robinson
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 10x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 8x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, 1989-90 ROY, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
The Admiral better hope The Wolves are eliminated so he doesn’t have to see Olajuwon again in the playoffs, because we all know how that goes. Other than being Hakeem’s bitch, Robinson was one of the most physically gifted centers ever. A chiseled 7’1″ Adonis, Robinson was a dominant scorer before Duncan got there as well as a shut down defensive center. He’s a good building block but the nets will need to pair him with another all-time great in order to compete in the East.
Pick 21: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Dirk Nowitzki
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 14x All-Star, 12x All-NBA
Dirk was a one-man wrecking crew when he led the Mavericks to a title in 2011. He can do it all on offese. The best shooting big-man ever (not counting Karl-Anthony Towns yet) he patented the one leg fade away that became so lethal. He’s proven he can win a championship on his own, and he might need to do it again in Sacramento.
Pick 22: Los Angeles Clippers (John): Elgin Baylor
Stats: 11x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 1958-59 ROY, Hall of Fame
Baylor is the first player to really normalize playing above the rim. At 6’5″, 225-pounds, Baylor was a physical freak for the ’60s and no one could stop him from scoring at the rim. He averaged 27.4 points and 13.5 rebounds per game in his career as a small forward, and famously went 0-7 in NBA finals. He retired after nine games in the 1971-72 season in which the Lakers went on the win the championship. It’s fitting he goes to the Clippers, because he absolutely destroyed the franchise as their executive from 1986-2008. Let him play, but dear god don’t let him anywhere near the draft.
Pick 23: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Charles Barkley
Stats: 1x NBA MVP, 11x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Charles Barkley is bringing on a new era of the Jail Blazers and it will be spectacular. He is not a role model, but he’s going to be the face of Portland and the driving force to keep Portland weird. Barkley is arguably the best player ever to never win a championship thanks in large part to Michael Jordan, but he’s got a real shot to advance far in Portland, just keep him off the golf course and out of the casinos.
Most people nowadays remember D-Wade as Robin to LeBron’s Batman, the sidekick of the Heatles super team that won two titles and went to four-straight finals. We forget that young D-Wade put the Heat on his back and willed them to a championship in 2006. Yea he had Shaq, but Wade put in a finals for the ages and is a bonafide winner. The Hawks might be a dark horse, but don’w count out any team led by Flash.
Pick 25: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): John Havlicek
Stats: 8x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 13x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 8x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Most of the seven people who actually read this are probably wondering the same thing, who the heck is John Havlicek? Bill Simmons is probably furious that Hondo didn’t go inside the top 15. Havlicek was one of the most well-rounded players of his time. A teammate of Bill Russell’s on the ’60s Celtics, Havlicek won eight championships. It might be a tough ask to have him be the face of a franchise, but Hondo is undoubtedly one of the greatest team players in NBA history.
Pick 26: Orlando Magic (John): Allen Iverson
Stats: 1x NBA MVP, 11x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 4x Scoring Champ, 1996-97 ROY, Hall of Fame
Holy shit Allen Iverson at 26 is easily the reach of the draft so far. AI is a legend, don’t get me wrong, but are you really trying to build a team around him? I understand that he dragged Theo Ratlif and Eric Snow to the finals, but he didn’t do a ton of winning outside of that one MVP season. Hopefully John has a plan and surrounds Iverson with responsible teammates.
Kawhi is on pace to have the wonkiest resume of any top 30 players in the NBA. He was the 15th pick in 2011, slowly improved year-by-year to become a two-time Defensive Player of the Year and the 2014 Finals MVP with the Spurs. Then he sat out for almost a year while clashing with the Spurs staff about his foot injury. Then he got traded to Toronto, led them to a championship, and left after one season for the Clippers of all franchises. Now he has a chance to win three championships and three finals MVP’s with three different franchises. Only LeBron James has done that. A weird career for fun guy Kawhi.
Pick 28: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Isiah Thomas
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 12x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Dude’s probably reading this like “I met the qualifications to be drafted in the top 20, but they didn’t pick me.” Zeke is a top-five point guard ever, a good scorer and even better playmaker who can lead a team to the promised land as he did in back-to-back seasons with the Bad Boys. He just seems to rub people the wrong way and MJ will probably make it his personal mission to make sure Thomas doesn’t sniff the playoffs with the Pelicans.
Pick 29: New York Knicks (Phil): Giannis Antetokounmpo
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 5x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 4x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY
This pick is looking a lot better now that Giannis is a champion. He’s a modern day Shaq who can physically dominate the competition in the paint. Giannis has taken it to the next level and can handle the ball and drive to the basket. He’s a three-point shot away from becoming the greatest offensive weapon in history. Knicks fans are going to love him, I hope they have Chick-fil-A in NYC.
Pick 30: San Antonio Spurs (John): Chris Paul
Stats: 11x All-Star, 10x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 2005-06 ROY
Again, this pick looks a lot better now that CP3 finally made the finals for the first time in his 16-year career. Paul might be a bitch of a teammate, but is arguably the best two-way point guard of the modern era. He should be a perfect fit for the Spurs way of life, and a solid pick to finish off round one of the mega-draft.
Round 2: The Quickening
Pick 31: San Antonio Spurs (John): Patrick Ewing
Stats: 11x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 3x All-Defensive, 1985-86 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Chris Paul
Patrick Ewing is the ultimate “almost but not quite there” superstars in the NBA. He led the Knicks to the finals twice only to be thwarted by Hakeem’s Rockets in 1994 and injured against Duncan’s Spurs in the lockout-shortened 1999 season. It only fits all too well that he’s paired with Chris Paul, the other premier player in the last 25 years who has gotten so close but never won a championship. they should trade for Barkley.
Pick 32: New York Knicks (Phil): Steve Nash
Stats: 2x NBA MVP, 8x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Giannis Antetokounmpo
Steve Nash was one Robert Horry hip check away from a finals appearance in 2007, and never got another chance at a championship. He transformed Amar’e Stoudemire into an All-Pro player and would do wonders with Giannis catching lobs and running the pick-and-roll. The Knicks are back!
Pick 33: New Orleans Pelicans (John): Scottie Pippen
Stats: 6x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 10x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: (Checks notes) Isiah Thomas
Who the fuck is putting Scottie Pippen on the same team as Isiah Thomas? Zeke is probably sitting in his mansion thinking that this is a betrayal on levels that no one has ever seen! There are going to be nightly brawls in the locker room. I know every hates IT, but Scottie Pippen mega hates IT and is not afraid to remind everyone.
Pick 34: Los Angeles Lakers (Phil): Kevin McHale
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 1x All-NBA, 6x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kawhi Leonard
Now this is a team I can get behind. Kawhi can initiate the offense and create his own shot and Kevin McHale can do a lot of the dirty work down low. He’s one of the best post scorers we’ve seen and can hold his own alongside Kawhi on the defensive end. Very few holes in this team early on.
Remember when I said AI was a bad pick unless you surround him with responsible teammates? Yea, James Harden isn’t that kind of teammate, he’s basically beef stew Iverson with a beard. This team will never practice, never play defense, probably get on each other’s nerves, but this is the number one pick of strip clubs everywhere. I don’t know what the club scene is like in Orlando, but they’re about to make a lot of money.
Pick 36: Oklahoma City Thunder (Phil): Bob Pettit
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 2x NBA MVP, 11x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 1954-55 ROY, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: John Havlicek
This team would win 19 championships if it was 1966. Alas, it’s 2021 so Hondo and Bullet Bob’s achievements have wasted away like those people on an M. Night Shymalan beach, but they’re two of the greatest to ever do it. Pettit made an All-NBA team every year of his career.
Pick 37: Atlanta Hawks (John): Anthony Davis
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 8x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, 4x All-Defensive
Teammates: Dwyane Wade
John finally got his head out of his ass and made a good pick in the second round. AD is the perfect big to play alongside D-Wade. He dominated the Heat on his way to a championship with the Lakers and LeBron James in the bubble, and will form a formidable two-way duo with Wade.
Pick 38: Portland Trail Blazers (Phil): Bill Walton
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 1x Finals MVP, 2x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Charles Barkley
The prodigal son returns 44 years after leading the Blazers to a championship in 1977. A foot injury wreck Walton’s career, but the biggest Dead Head on national television was one of the best centers in history during his short prime. He’s so high right now he probably thinks it’s still 1978, and is definitely going to keep Portland weird.
Pick 39: Los Angeles Clippers (John): George Mikan
Stats: 5x BAA/NBA Champion, 4x All-Star, 6x All-BAA/NBA, 3x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Elgin Baylor
Teaming the original GOAT with Elgin Baylor would be unstoppable in 1956. Mikan might have trouble matching up against the likes up Wilt and Shaq, but his fundamentals are unmatched and will bring a winning quality to this throwback team.
Pick 40: Sacramento Kings (Phil): Jason Kidd
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 10x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 1994-95 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Dirk Nowitzki
Jason Kidd won a championship with Dirk in 2011 so why not run it back. Kidd was one of the most versatile point guards in league history and will be the exact opposite of what the Kings have gotten used to over the last two decades. We’ll have to make sure he isn’t allowed to drink soda on the sidelines though.
Pick 41: Brooklyn Nets (John): John Stockton
Stats: 10x All-Star, 11x All-NBA, 5x All-Defensive, All-Time Leader in Assists, Hall of Fame
Teammates: David Robinson
This will be the least vaxxed team in the league. John Stockton was part of one of the most dynamic duos in the ’90s with Karl Malone, and has formed another dynamic duo post career teaming up with conspiracy theories. Stockton will not have many fans in Brooklyn.
Pick 42: Toronto Raptors (Phil): Ray Allen
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 10x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kevin Garnett
The biggest “what if” in Timberwolves history is finally answered by pairing KG with Ray Allen, just as god intended. The Wolves picked Allen with the fifth pick in the 1996 NBA Draft only to trade him to the Milwaukee Bucks for the fourth pick, Stephon Marbury. Marbury was a star alongside KG, but forced his way out of Minnesota after just 2.5 years. Ray Allen is one of the greatest shooting guards of all time and finally teamed up with Garnett in 2007 in Boston where the two won a championship and played in two NBA Finals. Oh, what could have been if they had been able to team up in Minnesota for a decade in the prime of their careers. Could they have won a championship? Possibly, KG took the Wolves to the Western Conference Finals in 2004 and was a Sam Cassell hip injury away from taking down the Lakers. Allen led the Bucks to an improbable run the the Eastern Conference Finals in 2001. It still haunts me to this day. I need answers, and that’s why I finally did it. Lets finally see what you could have done together.
Pick 43: Chicago Bulls (John): Bob Cousy
Stats: 6x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 13x All-Star, 12x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Jerry West
Jerry West and Bob Cousy would be your dad’s favorite team. Cousy was a baller even before teaming up with Bill Russell, and he can run the show while West racks up the points.
Pick 44: Cleveland Cavaliers (Phil): Walt Frazier
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 7x All Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Karl Malone
Walt Frazier might be one of the most underrated players from the ’70s but he led the Knicks to glory twice and is an NYC legend on par with Joe Namath. He’d pair well with Karl Malone and bring some glitz and glam to Cleveland.
Pick 45: Dallas Mavericks (John): Elvin Hayes
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 12x All-Star, 6x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Moses Malone
The beef boys are ready to grab every rebound in Dallas. Malone is third all-time in rebounds and Elvin Hayes is sixth. The lane is gonna be clogged, but no frontline will be able to matchup with this duo.
Pick 46: Golden State Warriors (Phil): Rick Barry
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 8x NBA All-Star (4x ABA), 6x All NBA, 4x All-ABA, 1965-66 ROY, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Steph Curry
If Steph Curry is the most beloved player in Warriors history, Rick Barry might be the most reviled. Barry was an asshole, but god dammit he could score. One of the best scoring forwards ever he led the Warriors to a championship in 1975. Fans will hate him (and his kids) but he and Steph would be unstoppable.
Pick 47: Memphis Grizzlies (John): Reggie Miller
Stats: 5x All-Star, 3x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Julius Erving
Memphis may have just skyrocketed towards the top of the League Pass rankings with this pick. Reggie Miller is one of the most fun players to love, and even more fun to hate.
Pick 48: Washington Wizards (Phil): George Gervin
Stats: 9x NBA All-Star (3x ABA), 7x All-NBA, 2x All-ABA, 4x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Oscar Robertson
The Iceman might not be the best fit alongside a high usage point guard in Oscar, but they will be one of the hardest backcourts to defend. The two Hall of Famers could each go off for 50 on any given night. The defense might not be amazing, but Gervin will sell tickets.
Pick 49: Detroit Pistons (John): Willis Reed
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 2x Finals MVP, 7x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, 1x All-Defensive, 1964-65 ROY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kevin Durant
Willis Reed seems like a perfect fit in Detroit. He’s tough, plays hurt in game 7, and sounds like he should have been a Motown star. Reed’s motor and Durant’s scoring prowess will do damage and could be the perfect mid-pick pairing at 12 and 49 respectively.
Pick 50: Boston Celtics (Phil): Dominique Wilkins
Stats: 9x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 1x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kobe Bryant
Holy shit the Celtics just became the most exciting team ever assembled with Dominique and Kobe. Two of the best dunkers ever, the days of team play and fundamentals are over in Boston. Yes, Wilkins never won in the NBA and never got out of the second round, but that’s why you pair him with one of the best winners ever. Dominique can just run around and dunk on everyone for three quarters and then get the fuck out of Kobe’s way in the fourth. Boston might not be the best team out there, but dammit it’s going to be everyone’s favorite.
Pick 51: Houston Rockets (John): Tracy McGrady
Stats: 7x All-Star, 7x All-NBA, 2x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Tim Duncan
TMac returns to Houston to team up with Houston’s tormentor for 20 years in Tim Duncan. He’s the Riggs to Duncan’s Murtaugh.
Pick 52: Philadelphia 76ers (Phil): Paul Pierce
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 10x All-Star, 4x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Shaquille O’Neal
Pierce is going to shit his pants the first time the 76ers fans boo him for only scoring 19 points in a big game. Hack-a-Shaq will be in full effect after watching Ben Simmons’ free throw meltdown in the playoffs last year. Things could get flushed down the toilet quickly in Philly.
Pick 53: Minnesota Timberwolves (John): Gary Payton
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 9x All-Star, 9x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, 1x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Hakeem Olajuwon
GP made the finals with Shawn Kemp in 1996. Olajuwon is a 5000% upgrade over Kemp, and should be able to take Payton to the promised land. This is the best defensive team in the league already and will play scrappy. David Robinson is going to have nightmares about this team.
Larry bird is going to throw hands with Westbrook the first time Russ dribbles up the court and takes a pull up three late in the shot clock without passing to anyone.
Pick 55: Milwaukee Bucks (John): Clyde Drexler
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 10x All-Star, 5x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Wilt Chamberlain
This is a wonky fit in Milwaukee. Wilt is going to be distracted by the bustling Wisconsin nightlife so Drexler will have to carry the load day to day. The last pro player selected to the dream team could feel another slight falling to the 55th pick and work up a dark-horse MVP season.
Pick 56: Charlotte Hornets (Phil): James Worthy
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 7x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Bill Russell
Two of the greatest winners ever form an interesting foundation to a team that might not be flashy but will do the little things to get the job done.
Pick 57: Utah Jazz (John): Bob McAdoo
Stats: 2x NBA Champion, 1x NBA MVP, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 1972-73 ROY, 3x Scoring Champ, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Magic Johnson
McAdoo has some big shoes to fill as he takes Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s spot as Magic’s running-mate. McAdoo is no Kareem, but was a dominate center in his own right in the ’70s.
Pick 58: Denver Nuggets (Phil): Alonzo Mourning
Stats: 1x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 2x All-Defensive, 2x DPOY, Hall of Fame
Teammates: LeBron James
If he had two good kidneys, Alonzo Mourning would be 10-20 spots higher in this draft. After Shaq, Olajuwon, David Robinson, and Ewing; Mourning was probably the next best center during the heyday in the ’90s. He and LeBron create one of the most imposing frontlines in the league and will be nearly impossible to score on.
Pick 59: Miami Heat (John): Dennis Johnson
Stats: 3x NBA Champion, 1x Finals MVP, 5x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, 9x All-Defensive, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Kareem gets the defensive-minded point guard who guided the Sonics to a championship before two championship runs with Larry Bird and the gang in Boston in the ’80s. John could have had DJ in the third round, but you can’t fault him for taking the three-time champ.
Pick 60: Indiana Pacers (Phil): Robert Parish
Stats: 4x NBA Champion, 9x All-Star, 2x All-NBA, Hall of Fame
Teammates: Michael Jordan
MJ gets his former teammate (Yea Parish finished his long career in Chicago) for another run at a title together. Parish is almost underrated because of his longevity and being overshadowed by Larry Bird and Kevin McHale, but he is one of the best centers ever and will pair beautifully with Jordan. What a steal with the last pick of the second round.
After a year of delays and pandemic related panic, the 2020 Tokyo Olympics are finally here in 2021. We’ve had an extra 365 days to think about the games and wait for our favorite athletes like Simone Biles and Katie Ledecky to remind us that America is fucking awesome (at least athletically).
There is absolute chaos surrounding the USA Men’s Basketball team heading into Tokyo. Three players (Khris Middleton, Jrue Holiday, and Devin Booker) are red-eyeing it to Japan after the NBA Finals, Kevin Love left the team because he wasn’t good enough to be there, Bradley Beal is gone thanks to Covid, and Zach LaVine isn’t in Japan yet because of health and safety protocols. That doesn’t even factor in their exhibition losses to Nigeria and Australia earlier this month in Las Vegas.
Any team that has to desperately ask Javale McGee to join the team at the last minute is in a heap of trouble. The Dream Team this is not.
Don’t fret over the current iteration of whatever this is. The United States still has the greatest conglomeration of basketball talent in the world. To prove it, we’re taking over Team USA and going all the way back through 75 years of NBA history to assemble the greatest basketball team in history: The Ultimate Dream Team. We’re inviting the best of the best to a top-secret training camp in a top secret location to battle against the best players from every era. The ultimate 12-man roster will emerge to take on the world and restore the good name of the US of A. Unlike the 1992 Dream Team and more in the vain of the 1980 Miracle on Ice Team USA Hockey Team, we’re not necessarily taking the 12-best players in history, rather the 12-players that play the best as a team. With that, here are the players we sent an invite to to join us at out top secret basketball camp.
Point Guard Camp Invitees:
Magic Johnson
Oscar Robertson
Isiah Thomas
Chris Paul
Jason Kidd
Bob Cousy
John Stockton
Steph Curry
Gary Payton
Walt Frazier
Shooting Guard Camp Invitees:
Michael Jordan
Kobe Bryant
Jerry West
Dwyane Wade
James Harden
Pete Maravich
George Gervin
Sam Jones
Ray Allen
Reggie Miller
Small Forward Camp Invitees:
LeBron James
Larry Bird
Kevin Durant
Julius Erving
Elgin Baylor
Scottie Pippen
John Havlicek
Kawhi Leonard
James Worthy
Dominique Wilkins
Power Forward Camp Invitees:
Tim Duncan
Karl Malone
Kevin Garnett
Charles Barkley
Kevin McHale
Bob Petit
Elvin Hayes
Dennis Rodman
Chris Webber
Anthony Davis
Center Camp Invitees:
Bill Russell
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Wilt Chamberlain
Shaquille O’Neal
David Robinson
Patrick Ewing
Moses Malone
Bill Walton
George Mikan
Willis Reed
Coach Camp Invitees:
Phil Jackson
Red Auerbach
Gregg Popovich
Pat Riley
Chuck Daley
John Kundla
Steve Kerr
Larry Brown
K.C. Jones
Eric Spoelstra
Before camp even begins, this team is undoubtedly built around two players: Michael Jordan and Bill Russell. MJ and Russell are the two fiercest competitors and best winners in NBA history. MJ led the Bulls to six championships and Russell has more than any other player with 11 rings. The greatest player ever and the greatest winner ever provide the perfect one-two punch, especially on the defensive end where Jordan is a nine-time All-Defensive selection and Russell is arguably the greatest defender in NBA history. They’ll serve as co-captains and will be the heart and soul of the team.
On the first day of camp, one player quickly asserts himself as the alpha of the group both on and off the court, Magic Johnson. A five-time champion and three-time MVP, Magic Johnson is one of the best leaders, and probably the best playmaker in the NBA’s 75-year history. He averaged 11.2 assists per game and had the versatility to play center in the NBA finals as a rookie.
After Magic, the team needs some shooting, enter Larry Bird. The “Hick from French Lick” won three straight MVPs from 1984-86 as well as three NBA Championships in 1981, ’84, and ’86. Bird is one of the most versatile players ever averaging 24.3 points, 10 rebounds, and 6.3 assists per game in his career while shooting 37.6 percent from three. He won the first three ever three-point shooting contests at All-Star Weekend from 1986-88 and is regarded as one of the first great shooters in the NBA.
After Larry Bird, we’re going to pick the player with the most unstoppable shot of all time, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Kareem’s patented sky hook was unstoppable during his 20-year career. The 7’2″ center won six MVP awards and six NBA championships, five of them coming with the Lakers and All-Time Dream Team teammate Magic Johnson. He was the NBA’s greatest player of all time before MJ came along, and will anchor the offense in the paint.
As camp gets into days three and four, LeBron James is beginning to grind down the rest of the attendees. King James used his 6’9″ frame and unrivalled athleticism to beat the crap out of everyone else. He’s one of if not the most well-rounded player in history, a four-time champ and four-time MVP LeBron is a great scorer, passer, rebounder, and defender who can post up and play on the wing with a decent enough three-point shot. It would be insane to leave the King off the ultimate roster, and we’re not going to make that mistake here.
Time to add some more shooting to the Dream Team, which means it’s time to reunite Steph Curry and Kevin Durant. Curry, the greatest shooter ever, has a career three point percentage of 43.3 while Durant is at 38.4. The two teamed up to win two straight titles with Golden State, while Curry already had a championship under his belt before Durant arrived. Both have won MVPs (Curry won back-to-back) and Durant is a two-time Finals MVP. Curry is the weakest defender on the roster to this point, but can run the offense when Magic sits, and Durant is a solid, if not quite an elite defender. Durant might be the best pure scorer in basketball and will be a key offensive cog with the ball in his hands.
The last two days of camp are here and we need to fill four more roster spots. Dennis Rodman and Wilt Chamberlain have already gotten bored and gone to Vegas to have some fun. Everyone voted to keep Isiah Thomas off of the team again and he took his ball and went home. Shaq and Barkley won’t stop eating and making fun of each other to impress the coaches and have essentially been benched during scrimmages.
Looking at the first eight players on the roster and one thing is clear, we need a few more big men. Tim Duncan has been quietly dominating practices since camp opened, and Kevin Garnett has been not so quiet but just as good. Duncan may have been the most unassuming superstar ever, winning five championships and two MVPs with the Spurs. He’s a lock to get you 20 points and 10 rebounds night in and night out, and a 15-time All-Defensive selection. The “Big Fundamental” might be a bit boring, but there are no holes in his game. Kevin Garnett is a psycho. A rabid dog let off the leash, he’s probably the most intense competitor the game has seen since Michael Jordan. Hell, he almost took the Timberwolves to a championship before finally winning one with the Celtics. Just watch this stretch during practice with the 2000 Olympic team and you can see why he made the cut.
Garnett was one of the most versatile players of his era, a 6’11” mega-athlete who was skinny but strong enough to battle in the post, had a devastating midrange game, and could handle the ball and shoot a bit from the perimeter. An MVP, DPOY, 15-time All-Star and 12-time All-Defensive selection, Garnett will be the heartbeat of the bench mob.
One player has been dividing coaches and evaluators all camp long, Kobe Bryant. In terms of individual talent, Bryant is one of the best in camp, but he’s had a hard time fitting into the team. At the end of the day his will to win and competitive drive put him over the hump and on the roster. Kobe won five championships and an MVP in his legendary career. Probably the closest thing we got to Michael Jordan, he was also a huge part of the 2008 Redeem Team that won Olympic gold. Kobe will not be the alpha on a team with Michael Jordan, but his leadership and attitude are integral to this team’s success.
The last roster spot was the hardest to pick. There were dozens of Hall of Famers, Champions, All-Stars, and legends that showed out at the top secret camp. However, one last player stepped up and rode his consistent play on both sides of the court onto the roster. The last player selected was the point god himself, Chris Paul. CP3 may not be the best or flashiest player in NBA history, but he’s consistent. Paul is an 11-time All-Star, nine-time All-Defensive selection, and just guided the Phoenix Suns to within two games of his first NBA Championship this season at the age of 36. He’s a pest and will get under the other team’s skin (while possibly rubbing some teammates the wrong way) and is the ultimate floor general at the point. He’s a career 37.1 percent three-point shooter and ranks fifth all time in assists and steals.
Picking the perfect team from a pool of the greatest players ever is no easy task and there are bound to be some huge snubs in the process. Shaq, Wilt Chamberlain, Charles Barkley, Moses Malone, Julius Erving, Scottie Pippen, and Karl Malone could be pretty butthurt by not getting selected over Garnett, Duncan, or Durant. Guards including Oscar Robertson, Isiah Thomas, John Stockton, Jason Kidd, Jerry West, Dwyane Wade, and James Harden would have made fine selections, but ultimately the players selected proved to be the most versatile at their positions.
The Ultimate Dream Team Lineup:
Starters:
Magic Johnson
Michael Jordan
Larry Bird
Bill Russell
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Reserves:
LeBron James
Kevin Durant
Steph Curry
Tim Duncan
Kevin Garnett
Kobe Bryant
Chris Paul
51 combined NBA Championships
32MVPs
163 All-Star appearances
139 All-NBA selections
78 All-Defensive selections
24 Finals MVPs
Coaching Staff:
Head Coach: Phil Jackson
Assistant: Gregg Popovich
Assistant: Red Auerbach
Assistant: Chuck Daly
Assistant: Steve Kerr
GM: Pat Riley
35 NBA Championships
The Ultimate Dream team has no legitimate foe in the world. France, Germany, Slovenia, Serbia, Australia, and Nigeria could maybe come within 65 points, but have no where near enough depth to compete with the best the United States has to offer. If you pool all international players into one “world” team, they might have a chance to win one out of ten games.
The world roster would look something like this:
Hakeem Olajuwon
Dirk Nowitzki
Steve Nash
Giannis Antetokounmpo
Luka Doncic
Joel Embiid
Dikembe Mutombo
Nikola Jokic
Tony Parker
Manu Ginobili
Pau Gasol and Yao Ming
A very fine team, but no match for 12 of the best players in the history of the sport. Once again the United States of America reigns supreme on the court with the Ultimate Dream Team ready to crush their enemies.
Solely because Bill Simmons and Ryen Russillo only did 40.
1.) Giannis Antetokounmpo
50 points in an NBA Finals closeout game gets you the top spot.
2.) Kevin Durant
Imagine having the worst injury possible for your profession, sitting out for a full year, then coming back like nothing happened and you’re still the fucking man. Durant is somehow better now than he ever was with a fully functioning achilles tendon.
3.) LeBron James
Yea man, it’s LeBron.
4.) Nikola Jokic
He’s a seven-foot bag of gravy who is somehow more coordinated than 99.9 percent of all other beings on the planet.
5.) Joel Embiid
Embiid is like if Shaq and Hakeem Olajuwon had a son and he was 92 percent as good as them.
6.) Luka Doncic
Everyone fell asleep and let a Slovenian Fuckboy take over the NBA.
7.) Kawhi Leonard
The Terminator went full T2 this season. He’s bruised, battered, and maybe got passed up by some young stars, but beat the hell out of the newer models in the end.
8.) Steph Curry
Steph almost dragged Andrew Wiggins to the playoffs.
9.) James Harden
Got fat and quit on Houston, but somehow turned into Magic Johnson?
10.) Damian Lillard
There is no scarier player to have to match up against on the perimeter.
11.) Anthony Davis
Had a bit of a championship hangover, and got injured, but is till one of the most dominant big men in the game and forced his way into Space Jam 2.
12.) Chris Paul
Cliff Paul finally left him alone so he can concentrate on his fucking job instead of insurance fraud and this is the result.
13.) Jayson Tatum
Tatum and the next three guys are basically in the same boat. They’re young, dumb, and full of endless potential and will probably beat the shit out of each other in the playoffs for the next 10 years.
14.) Trae Young
Became a superstar and supervillain in one playoff series.
15.) Devin Booker
Got hit by the Kardashian curse.
16.) Donovan Mitchell
Way too cool for Salt Lake City.
17.) Zion Williamson
Zion is like those great white sharks in South Africa that jump out of the water to bite the shit out of those poor seals.
18.) Kyrie Irving
There’s no way he’s vaccinated.
19.) Jimmy Butler
Can’t shoot but is still the man.
20.) Paul George
Can shoot and isn’t the man.
21.) Bradley Beal
Almost led the league in scoring and will still probably be the biggest trade target this offseason, as he’s been for like three years now. Dude must really like Washington D.C.
22.) Rudy Gobert
The Stifle Tower got dismantled by the Clippers.
23.) Bam Adebayo
Must love playing with Jimmy Butler.
24.) Julius Randle
The Knicks are going to overpay him for one great season and blow the offseason once again.
25.) Khris Middleton
24./6.3/5.3 in the NBA Finals does wonders for a man’s reputation.
26.) Deandre Ayton
27.) Karl-Anthony Towns
The ultimate great stats, terrible team guy. Thank god he has Anthony Edwards to drag him to the playoffs next year like a nice/respectful Jimmy Butler.
28.) Ben Simmons
Just going to forget that game 7 happened.
29.) Jrue Holliday
Those Finals didn’t help his stock much.
30.) Klay Thompson* (Didn’t play in 2020-21)
Dude’s just out living his best life while he recovers from his ACL injury.
Brown and Middleton are two of the best two-way guys in the league. Perfect second or third options on a championship team.
32.) Ja Morant
Probably top five in terms of being really fucking cool. Even his name is cool. Ja, it’s just fun to shout into the void. (Ja is only second on the cool names to yell list, behind Monica obviously.)
33.) Russell Westbrook
Somehow got an MVP vote from some guy named Max Haupt.
34.) Brandon Ingram
Riding in Zion’s girthy shadow but still one of the best scoring wings in the NBA.
35.) Jamal Murray
Would be higher had he not torn his ACL before the playoffs.
36.) Domantas Sabonis
If he grows up to be his dad, he’s going to be in for a hell of a career.
37.) Zach Lavine
The Bulls aren’t back but Zach LaVine is finally a star in the NBA.
38.) De’Aaron Fox
God damn Kings are going to ruin Swiper’s career.
39.) CJ McCollum
He’s either going to get traded or the Blazers are going to be terrible because Damian Lillard is going to get traded.
If we were just counting the playoffs Ayton would be top 10.
40.) Kyle Lowry
Welcome to the Lakers Kyle.
41.) Shai Gilgeous-Alexander
SGA is going to be the next De’Aaron Fox, borderline great player on a perennially horrendous team.
42.) Nikola Vucevic
Might finally get some recognition now that he’s out of Orlando.
43.) Tobias Harris
Sure.
44.) Draymond Green
See Steph Curry, also almost dragged Andrew Wiggins to the playoffs.
45.) Gordon Hayward
Did anyone actually think he’d be good in Charlotte?
46.) Pascal Siakam
Is going to be in every trade proposal this offseason.
47.) Mike Conley
Conley and DeRozan are the oldies who most people would be surprised are still competing at an elite level.
Looking around the league, especially as the playoffs get knocked into 12th gear, it’s impossible not to notice that every team has at least one or two star players. There are legitimately 30+ players who fans would be comfortably calling their “franchise” player. You’ve got the all time greats in LeBron, Steph Curry, and Kevin Durant. The established superstars like Damian Lillard, Giannis, and Nikola Jokic. And then you have the young guns with Zion, Luka, and Trae Young leading the vanguard of the next generation with LaMelo Ball and Anthony Edwards nipping at their heals.
This type of breadth of talent has never happened before in the 75 year history of the NBA. There are currently 10 sure fire hall of famers playing at or near their peak (LeBron, KD, Steph, Harden, Chris Paul, Russell Westbrook, Kawhi Leonard, Anthony Davis, Giannis, and Lillard), with another five who need another couple of elite season to become locks for HOF induction (Jokic, Embiid, Paul George, Jimmy Butler, and Kyrie). When you account for the guys who are too young to be HOF locks but are well on their way towards enshrinement (Doncic, Zion, Trae Young, and Jayson Tatum), that’s now nearly 20 player who are potential hall of famers playing at the same time. This already leaves out young multi-time All-Stars like Devin Booker, Donovan Mitchell, Rudy Gobert, Ben Simmons, Karl-Anthony Towns, and Breadley Beal who could still put together a great career.
The ’60s were dominated by Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Elgin Baylor, Jerry West, and Oscar Robertson. Top line talent that could compete with any era. But the NBA only had a third of the amount of teams as it does now. The ’70s gave us Kareem, Dr. J, and a healthy group of stars, but with the advent of the ABA, the talent level plummeted. Then the NBA revitalization began in the ’80s with Magic, Bird, Jordan, Moses and Karl Malone, Hakeem Olajuwon, Charles Barkley, Isiah Thomas, and Scottie Pippen. The only other period that could rival the current state of the league is the 1990s. During the mid-to-late ’90s NBA fans got to watch Jordan/Pippen/and Rodman dominate the league. Patrick Ewing made the Knicks relevant. Gary Payton, Karl Malone, John Stockton, Charles Barkley, and Clyde Drexler were all privileged enough to lose to the Bulls in the finals. Reggie Miller was doing his thing. Young Shaq, Olajuwon, and David Robinson were dominating the paint. Grant Hill was the next chosen one before is injuries. And then the next generation of superstars: Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, Jason Kidd and Chris Webber were on the rise. The caveat to the ’90s argument is that this was over the course of the entire decade. At any given year during the decade only probably half of these immortals were actually at their peaks at the same time. This is different. Every single year there seems to be another 2-5 stars who are poised to take over the league down the road. The last three drafts alone have netted Luka and Trae in 2018, Zion and Ja in 2019, and Ball and Edwards in 2020 with Cunningham, Mobley, Suggs, Green, and Kuminga waiting in the wings in 2021.
So why 2021? Why is this arbitrary year the unofficial deepest year in the 75 year history of the NBA? The answer is two fold. First, the players are just better. Basketball is far more popular today than it was 40 years ago, and there are more and better athletes in the league today. Donovan Mitchell is a better basketball player than Bob Cousy. It’s just the natural progression of athletic and technological advances. Secondly, players play longer than ever before. LeBron James just finished his 18th season. Chris Paul might win his first championship in year 16. And Durant is only 32 years old and in his 14th season. This level of dominance for two decades was nearly unheard of previously. It’s only a matter of time until we’re talking about Giannis or Zion or Trae Young the same way we talk about Tom Brady in the NFL, playing at an elite level well into their 40’s.
This is the deepest the league has ever been and if the playoffs have proven anything it’s that the league is in good hands when LeBron and co. inevitably do retire, however many years in that future that turns out to be.
Fuck it, this season was weird as hell. Covid-19 sucked, the season started in December, there were only 72 games, and a doughy Serbian guy is the best basketball player on the planet. But we made it through the regular season with minimal casualties for the playoffs (RIP Jaylen Brown and Jamal Murray) and about eight different teams that seem to have a shot at the championship. A lot of dudes missed a lot of time during the regular season, but most are back for the playoffs. We have a play-in tournament this year which is fun unless your name is LeBron. And the Timberwolves sucked and are about to get screwed in the draft lottery. (Maybe it wasn’t such a weird season after all.) So here are my totally official (and not just some guy with an internet connection) awards picks that will be etched in stone for the rest of time, which after the pandemic is probably about 5-8 years give or take.
MVP
Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets
No matter what casuals like Nick “Wrong” think about Jokic and the legacy of the MVP award and those who win it, Nikola Jokic is the clear cut MVP this season. The Serbian center is unstoppable averaging 26.4 points per game, 10.8 rebounds, and 8.5 assists with a ridiculously efficient 64.7 true shooting percentage. To say he’d be the worst MVP since Dave Cowens is like saying LeBron is only the best GOAT since Jordan. It makes no damn sense, and it doesn’t even compel me. Out of every MVP season in NBA history Jokic would rank second in true shooting, 7th in BPM, 8th in PER, 11th in assists, three-point shooting, and win shares per 48 minutes, 21st in VORP, 33rd in scoring, and 35th in rebounding. I know those statistics are hard for small brains like Nick to wrap his head around, but Jokic is having a middle to top tier MVP season. By the way he’s doing it without his second best player. Jokic and the Nuggets are 13-6 since Jamal Murray tore his ACL and entrenched themselves as the four-seed in a loaded Western Conference. You can make the case for Embiid, who is having a Shaq-esque season, but missing 19 games puts his a step behind the Joker. Jokic is the best passing big man of all-time and probably the best passer in the NBA today period. It’s time to stop worrying about the legacy of a piece of metal, and the endless “what about this guy” that we play at the end of the season and appreciate Jokic for what he is, the most valuable player in the NBA.
Defensive Player of the Year
Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz
Jumbo sized Rudy is the best post defender in the NBA since Dikembe Mutombo, and is closing in on his third DPOY award. Gobert leads the league with a career high 2.8 blocks per game and is the anchor of the league’s third-best defense. The Jazz are 16.5 points per possession better when Gobert is on the court vs. off the court. The case could be made for Ben Simmons, probably the premiere wing defender in the league, but the award more often than not goes to a big-man for protecting the rim, which is Gobert’s best trait, so we won’t rock the boat too much this season. John Hollinger believes Gobert should get serious play in the MVP discussion, so that accounts for something right?
Rookie of the Year
LaMelo Ball, Charlotte Hornets
I’m going to catch a lot of flack from my beloved members of Timberwolves Twitter for this pick, but LaMelo Ball is the Rookie of the Year. I know, I know, Ball missed 21 games with a fractured wrist, and in that time Anthony Edwards went next level averaging 21.6 points per game, five rebounds, and three assists. But Ball has been the better player this year. The only other rookies in history to average at least 16.2 points, 5.8 rebounds, and 6.2 assists per game are Oscar Robertson, Magic Johnson, and the legend himself Michael Carter-Williams. That’s some rarified are Ball is playing in, and the same just can’t be said for Edwards. Ball has the upstart Hornets in the play-in tournament, while Edwards’ contributions to winning are more one dimensional at this point in his career. Ball earned the award before the injury, and now that he’s back and fighting for a playoff spot, it seems like the right thing to do to remember his awesome season.
Most Improved Player
Julius Randle, New York Knicks
Julius Randle’s breakout season is one of the best stories in all of sports. He went from highly touted recruit at Kentucky’s basketball factory, to breaking his leg mere minutes into is rookies season with the Lakers. He then spent the next several years as a high usage, stat packing role player before finally signing with the Knicks in an underwhelming move last year. Randle has blossomed this year as an all-around net positive for a franchise that hasn’t cheered for anyone this hard since Linsanity. He’s averaging career highs in scoring (23.9 ppg), rebounding (10.3 rpg), assists (5.9 apg), three-point shooting (41.3%), and he’s leading the league in minutes played (37.2 per game). ESPN’s Zach Lowe called Randle the Keystone for the Knicks this season, and he’ll likely make an All-NBA team (more on that later). The hardest thing in the NBA is to go from pretty good player to legitimately great player, and Randle has done that and more this season. Dude’s also about to get paid in 2022, which is pretty damn cool.
Coach of the Year
Tom Thibodeau, New York Knicks
Again, probably not going to make be too popular with Wolves Twitter, but who has done more with less this season than Thibs? On paper the Knicks were supposed to be a train wreck this season. Julius Randle was just another meh free-agent signing a few years ago. RJ Barrett was coming off of a roller coaster rookie season that had more dips than heights. And they still had guys like Reggie Bullock and Nerlens Noel ready to play heavy minutes in a talent poor rotation. But, uh, the Knicks found a way. Thibs has them playing the best defense in New York since Charles Oakley and Anthony Mason were allowed to punch dudes, and Randle has blossomed into an All-NBA playmaker and shot creator. The Knicks have the fourth best defense in the league, and have home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs. ESPN had the Knicks 29th in its preseason power rankings, The Athletic’s Zach Harper had them 27th, and I (and Kurt Russell) had them 28th. What the fuck do we know anyway. Thibs is still screaming away and overplaying his starters, but it goes to show when the team actually buys in that shit works.
Sixth Man of the Year:
Joe Ingles, Utah Jazz
Joe Ingles is one of the most fascinating players in the NBA. He made his NBA debut at 27 from Australia. He’s 6-8 and has dunked just one time this season and only 23 times in his career. He’s sneakily one of the best three-point shooters ever, and he might not even be the best player off the bench on his own team. The Sixth Man of the Year award has been Jordan Clarkson’s to lose since for most of the season, but he might just get beaten out by his own teammate. Clarkson is built in the Lou Williams/Jamal Crawford mold, a microwave scorer who can keep the team afloat when they give their best players a break. He’s averaging 17.7 points off the bench with a true shooting percentage of 54.1. Ingles on the other hand is only averaging 12.3 points per game, but he’s the far more efficient player. Ingles is second in the league in true shooting (68.7%), fifth in three-point percentage (46.3), and the Jazz are 4.6 points per 100 possessions better with Ingles on the court vs off. The Jazz are actually 2.1 points per 100 worse with Clarkson on vs off. Ingles is the ultimate complimentary player, an older/less artistic Manu Ginobili, and should win over his flashier teammate.
All-NBA First Team:
G: Luka Doncic, Dallas Mavericks
G: Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors
F: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks
F: Jimmy Butler, Miami Heat
C: Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets
Four of the five spots on the first team are mortal locks. Jokic, Steph, Luka, and Giannis are all having MVP-Caliber seasons and will be on the first team when all is said and done. That leaves one forward spot that is wildly up for grabs. It’s possible due to the new rules about positional eligibility that voters will slot one of Jokic or Embiid at a forward spot, which seems fair since Embiid is the runner-up MVP he does deserve first team honors. If you do that, I won’t judge you, it’s within the rules. But I do think it is unfair to the legacies of centers throughout history. In the 60’s when there were only two teams instead of three, any center not named Wilt Chamberlain or Bill Russell had no chance of getting All-NBA honors. Similarly in the ’90s when the league had Shaq, Hakeem, David Robinson, Patrick Ewing, Alonzo Mourning, and other all time greats to battle it out for three spots. How many first team nods would Hakeem if he could have just been a forward? I understand that the league is shifting into a positionless landscape, but it seems a bit unfair to reward this generation when seemingly taking away some accomplishment of past greats. Embiid will have one of the biggest gripes in not making first team in recent memory, but it only seems fair to compare him against the Moses Malones of the world and not the Larry Birds or Charles Barkleys. So with that I chose Jimmy Butler at the second forward spot over LeBron, Kawhi, and Julius Randle. He’s quietly having the best season of his career, and the Heat are straight garbage (6-12) when he sits and would have home court advantage had he played the whole season. Also I know a lot of people are putting Luka at forward and slotting Lillard on the first team as the second guard. I don’t care what you have to tell yourself, Luka isn’t a forward.
All-NBA Second Team:
G: Damian Lillard, Portland Trail Blazers
G: Chris Paul, Phoenix Suns
F: Julius Randle, New York Knicks
F: Kawhi Leonard, Los Angeles Clippers
C: Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers
Again, the second team has three locks this time: Damian Lillard, Chris Paul, and Embiid. That leaves both forward spots up for grabs. The contenders include: LeBron, Zion, Kawhi, Julius Randle, Paul George, and Jayson Tatum. I went with Randle for what he means to to upstart Knicks, and Kawhi because he’s all-around a top five or six player in the league having a great season.
All-NBA Third Team:
G: Kyrie Irving, Brooklyn Nets
G: Devin Booker, Phoenix Suns
F: Zion Williamson, New Orleans Pelicans
F: LeBron James, Los Angeles Lakers
C: Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz
Unless a lot of people view Embiid or Jokic as a forward and throw a wrench in the whole system, Rudy Gobert will be your third team center. After that though things get murky. For guards do you pick Bradley Beal, the league’s second leading scorer who has had a much maligned season until the Wizards resurgence since the All-Star Break? Or do you go with Devin Booker or Donovan Mitchell, two explosive scorers on two of the best teams in the league? Or Kyrie Irving, a guy who left his team during the season twice for not the best reasons in the world, but has been worthy of the honor when he does decide to lace ’em up? Not to even mention the heater Russell Westbrook has been on the last two months or Trae Young’s blossoming leadership in Atlanta. I originally had Mitchell and Bookers pretty easily making the cut but now it’s much harder to leave off Beal and Kyrie. Trae Young doesn’t move the needle for me. Mitchell is an interesting case as the Jazz are actually better when he sits. Beal’s best games seem to come in Washington losses. I’ll go will Irving and Booker, rewarding both for having great individual seasons on great teams. LeBron bumps down to the third team simply because he’s missed almost 30 games, and Zion makes it ahead of Tatum because he is inevitable.
Biggest snubs: Jayson Tatum, Bradley Beal, Donovan Mitchell, James Harden, Kevin Durant, Bam Adebayo, Trae Young, Paul George, Russell Westbrook, Clint Capela.
All-Defensive First Team
G: Ben Simmons, Philadelphia 76ers
G: Jrue Holliday, Milwaukee Bucks
F: Jimmy Butler, Miami Heat
F: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks
C: Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz
Simmons and Gobert are locks. Jrue Holliday is reminding everyone that he’s a top-25 guy in the league, and Jimmy Butler is working hard and being the man. Giannis is Giannis so there’s not a lot of holes to poke in this first team.
All-Defensive Second Team
G: Matisse Thybulle, Philadelphia 76ers
G: Lu Dort, Oklahoma City Thunder
F: Draymond Green, Golden State Warriors
F: Bam Adebayo, Miami Heat
C: Joel Embiid, Philadelphia 76ers
Got a little funkier on the second team with the most fun defender in Dort, the self appointed GOAT defender in Draymond, and putting Bam at a forward, but these guys are all great so shut the hell up.
All-Rookie First Team
LaMelo Ball, Charlotte Hornets
Anthony Edwards, Minnesota Timberwolves
Tyrese Haliburton, Sacramento Kings
Jae’Sean Tate, Houston Rockets
Immanuel Quickley, New York Knicks
Ball, Edwards, and Haliburton should all be unanimous and have had stellar seasons in different ways. Edwards is a bulldozer getting to the rim had and will be a super scorer in the league. Ball is a playmaking magician and can follow in the footsteps of other tall point guards like Magic and Penny. And Haliburton is a do-everything facilitator who can shoot threes and defend. I rounded out the first team with Tate and Quickly. Tate is an all-around stud who, even though he’s a 25-year-old rookie, still has a super bright future. Quickley has been a bright spot for the Knicks who thought Obi Toppin would contribute right away. Instead it’s Quickley who already has one of the deadliest floaters in the game.
All-Rookie Second Team
Saddiq Bey, Detroit Pistons
Patrick Williams, Chicago Bulls
Isaiah Stewart, Detroit Pistons
James Wiseman, Golden State Warriors
Cole Anthony, Orlando Magic
Wiseman was a bit of a disappointment in his rookie campaign, but was put in an impossible situation trying to compete right away with Hall of Famers like Steph and Draymond. He should be eased back into the rotation next year and given time to figure things out with the second unit. The Pistons have a surprisingly bright future thanks to their 2020 rookie crop of Bey, Beef Stew, and Killian Hayes. Hayes missed too much time to be considered but Bey can get his shot and beef stew is one of the chunkiest guys in the league, in a good way. Patrick Williams has shown that he can be a high level defender for years to come, and Cole Anthony has stepped up on the depleted Magic and shown that they have some future pieces to work with.
As the NBA season winds down, some players are finally realizing that not being the best super team in the league kinda sucks. LeBron James and Luka Doncic are two of the biggest NBA superstars, and also two of the play-in tournament’s biggest enemies. The Play-in tournament is new this season to help ease the effects of COVID-19. The basic premise is that the top six teams in each conference make the playoffs like normal, but the seventh through tenth seeds in each conference will have to compete in a short play-in to secure the seventh and eighth seeds. Seven plays eight and nine plays ten. The Winner of the first game is the seventh seed. The loser of that game then plays the winners of the nine ten game for the eighth seed. Simple right? Apparently it’s too tough for the most highly tuned athletes in the world to play one or two extra games in a season that has already axed ten games from its schedule. So to appease LeBron, let us look at some alternatives to the play-in tournament.
Spelling Bee
Imagine Russell Westbrook standing on a stage with the playoffs on the line and he has to spell Antetokounmpo? He’d fucking nail it wouldn’t he?
Arm Wrestling
Who is the strongest player in the NBA? LeBron? Dwight Howard? Zion? Steven Adams? Yeah, it’s probably Steven Adams.
Dodgeball
LeBron and the Lakers are obviously the Globogym Purple Cobras, but who is Average Joes? The Spurs? Does that make Pop Patches O’Houlihan? If so, avoid strolling through the casino floor there Gregg.
Bar Trivia
We could get Aaron Rodgers to host.
Sharks and Minnows
You remember the game we played as kids. Everyone stands on one side of a field with one kid in the middle. All the kids take off running and if you get tagged before you get to the other side you go from being a minnow to a shark. Yeah, that game. Well wouldn’t it be fun watching a bunch of seven-footers running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Who is the fastest? Westbrook? Would Kawhi be the terminator of sharks and minnows? Probably. What a time to be alive.
Call of Duty
It seems like everyone in the league plays Call of Duty, so what better way to decide the playoffs than to have a Call of Duty battle royale? If this happens Andrew Wiggins might actually affect the game.
Dominoes
Better hope Miami isn’t in the play-in because Jimmy Butler doesn’t fuck around when it comes to dominoes.
Dunk Contest
This would be perfect since LeBron never entered a dunk contest in his career. What better way to make it up to the fans while also allowing LeBron to do one of the things he does best.
Red Rover
Imagine Draymond Green running as fast as he can at you with the sole intent to break your arm into a million pieces. Oh wait, that’s just him playing basketball.
Mercy
You know that game. You and a friend (or enemy) lock hands and try to twist the others’ wrists until they yell mercy. LaMelo is out after breaking his wrist, but Miles Bridges steps up and breaks the shit out of Time Lord’s wrists while Hornets play-by-play guy Eric Collins loses his mind in the background.
Karaoke Sing-Off
The Celtics will lose (or win depending on how old you are) because they’re obligated to sing Sweet Caroline. Tyler Herro is a rap song but I doubt that means he can sing. My money is on Luka pulling of a perfect rendition of Cry Me a River to propel the Mavericks into the playoffs.
Three-point shootout
Obviously Steph is going to win this one so there’s no way LeBron would approve it.
Bake-Off
Getting British with it with the only good thing to come out of Great Britain since Princess Diana. I bet Lillard would get the first Paul Hollywood handshake for his giant cake replica of his character from Space Jam 2.
Dance-Off
The Lakers need to bring back their ringer Mark Madsen.
MostInstagram Followers
Hmmmm, I wonder who that could be.
LeBron just says the Lakers are in
Seems like the most fair option.
Survivor
Two players from each team go back to the Disney World bubble, and the last one to leave wins. Whatever you do Hawks, don’t send Lou Williams, just send him there with all the Magic City wings he can carry.
That thing where people put their hands on a car
It all comes down to who has the most patience, or who has the most annoying teammate.
My prediction is this would come down to Draymond vs. Westbrook, and they’re both so stubborn it would never end.
Minnesota is known as the State of Hockey. Well, not anymore, it’s the state of basketball. Since the Men’s and Women’s NCAA Basketball Tournaments this season featured two huge stars from the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Jalen Suggs and Paige Bueckers, Minnesota has been at the forefront of the basketball conversation. So, with the Eye of Sauron fixed on Minnesota for the time being, I thought it would be a great chance to remember the greatest players in Minnesota history. A few quick stipulations. First, they either have to have been born in Minnesota, or spent a majority of their childhood in Minnesota. No Gophers, Timberwolves, Lakers, or Lynx stars who don’t actually hail from the state were consider as much as I wanted to slip Mychal Thompson and Seimone Augustus in here. Secondly, we’re going both men’s and women’s players, but just a heads up it’s not going to be even as there are far more men from Minnesota to go on to the pros. That being said we’re taking into account everything from high school, college, and NBA/WNBA careers and will be weighted in the reverse order that I just listed them (I don’t care/wasn’t going to look up what you did in Europe so don’t cry when Ben Woodside doesn’t make the list).
A few honorable mentions before we crack on with the top 20. Sam Jacobson was Minnesota’s Mr. Basketball in 1994, was a huge part of the Gopher’s 1997 Final Four team that must not be named, and was drafted in the first round of the 1998 NBA Draft. If I had counted coaches instead of players I would have added Dave Joerger from Staples who played at MSU Moorhead and was the head coach for the Grizzlies and Kings. The better Minnesotan coach though is John Kundla who coached the Lakers to their first five championships in Minneapolis. But alas this is the best players in Minnesota history, not best people who are involved with basketball in some way. So without further ado, here are the top 20 basketball players from Minnesota.
20.) Chet Holmgren
High School: Minnehaha Academy, 2021 Mr. Basketball
For the last spot on the list I look to the future with a bet that Chet Holmgren is going to be at least a serviceable NBA player going forward. He just won Mr. Basketball, his fourth state title, and is the number one prospect in the 2021 recruiting class according to ESPN and Rivals. Holmgren is said to be following in his former teammate Jalen Suggs’ footsteps and likely to declare his intent on playing for Gonzaga next season. Some think he could potentially be the first pick in the 2022 NBA draft, and if that all happens he will shoot up this list. For now we’ll save the last spot for the unknown potential of a budding superstar named Chet.
19.) Jim Petersen
High School: St. Louis Park High School, 1980 Mr. Basketball
College: University of Minnesota, 96 games, 5.6 ppg, 4 rpg, 1 apg
NBA: Three teams from 1984-92, 51st overall pick in the 1984 NBA Draft, 491 games, 6.9 ppg, 4.8 rpg, 1 apg
Most people my age know Jim Petersen as the longtime Timberwolves color commentator. Most forget that the 6’10” St. Louis Park native averaged 5.2 points and 7.2 rebounds in the 1986 NBA Finals for the Houston Rockets alongside Hakeem Olajuwon, losing in six games to the Boston Celtics. Or that he was the fourth member of Run TMC with Golden State. Like most players on this list, Petersen wasn’t the sexiest or flashiest, but he got the job done and was trusted to hold down the fort during some of the biggest games of his career.
18.) Joel Przybilla
High School: Monticello High School, 1998 Co-Mr. Basketball
College: University of Minnesota, 49 games, 9.9 ppg, 6.9 rpg, 3.4 bpg
NBA: Four teams from 2000-13, ninth overall pick in the 2000 NBA Draft, 592 games, 3.9 ppg, 6.2 rpg, 1.4 bpg
Przybilla is the poster boy for what people think Minnesota basketball is. A bunch of seven-foot farm boys who just stand around and block the shit out of any shots around the rim. It’s a miracle he stuck around in the NBA for 13 seasons, but he did mostly play for some pretty bad Bucks and pre-Lillard Trail Blazers teams.
17.) Randy Breuer
High School: Lake City High School, 1979 Mr. Basketball
College: University of Minnesota, 2x First Team All-Big Ten, 119 games, 14.9 games, 6.1 rebounds, 1.5 apg
NBA: Four teams from 1983-94, 18th overall pick in the 1983 NBA Draft, 681 games, 6.8 ppg, 4.4 rpg, 1.1 bpg
Another seven-footer from a small town in Minnesota, Breuer was a force for the Gophers nabbing two First Team All-Big Ten honors before becoming a first round pick. In the NBA he was a key component of the ’80s Bucks teams led by Sidney Moncrief that made the Eastern Conference Finals in 1986.
16.) Kris Humphries
High School: Hopkins High School, 2003 Mr. Basketball
College: University of Minnesota, First Team All-Big Ten, 29 games, 21.7 ppg, 10.1 rpg, 0.7 apg
NBA: Nine teams from 2004-17, 14th overall pick in 2004 NBA Draft, 800 games, 6.7 ppg, 5.4 rpg, 0.7 apg
More famous for his 72 day marriage to Kim Kardashian than his actual basketball career, Humphries was actually kind of good. It seems like he’s been out of the league forever, but he last played for Atlanta during the 2016-17 season, retiring just under four years ago. Anyways, his place in history will always be as the jackass that didn’t get along with Khloe and made yee-haw Minnesota (AKA Lake Minnetonka, the nicest part of the state) a thing people say.
15.) Devean George
High School: Benilde St.-Margaret’s
College: Augsburg University, 2x DIII National Champion, 2x MIAC MVP, 2x DIII All American, 96 games, 25.5 ppg, 9 rpg, 1.6 apg
NBA: Three teams from 1999-2010, 23rd overall pick in the 1999 NBA Draft, 3x NBA Champion, 630 games, 5.6 ppg, 3.1 rpg, 0.9 apg
Deavean George is one of the only DIII players to ever make it in the NBA. He was a beast at Augsburg and a key member of the Shaq/Kobe Lakers dynasty of the early 2000’s.
14.) Troy Bell
High School: Academy of Holy Angels
College: Boston College, 2x Second Team All-American, 3x First Team All-Big East, 2x Big East Player of the Year, 122 games, 21.6 ppg, 4 rpg, 3.5 apg
NBA: Memphis Grizzlies 2003-04, 16th overall pick in 2003 NBA Draft, six games, 1.8 ppg, 0.7 rpg, 0.7 apg
I’m going to be honest, when I set out to do this I had no idea that Troy Bell was from Minnesota. There are Minnesotan’s who didn’t make the list who had way better NBA careers than Bell, but the reason he’s here is because he balled out in college. At Boston College he was a two-time All American, and twice took home the Big East Player of the Year award. You could make the argument that Bell had the best college basketball career of any Minnesotan in history.
13.) Tayler Hill
High School: South High School, 2009 Miss Basketball
College: Ohio State University, 2x First Team All-Big Ten, 3 Big Ten All-Defensive Team, 132 games, 15.2 ppg, 3.9 rpg, 2.6 apg
WNBA: Washington Mystics 2013-18, Dallas Wings 2018-19, 4th overall pick in 2013 WNBA Draft, 145 games, 8.9 ppg, 1.7 rpg, 1.7 apg
His was. two-way force at Ohio State and worked her way into becoming the fourth overall pick. She had a breakout season in 2016 averaging 15.4 points for the Mystics. The one knock is that she’s in a relationship with David Lighty which is unforgivable.
12.) Mark Olberding
High School: Melrose High School
College: University of Minnesota, 26 games, 16 ppg, 8.2 rpg
ABA/NBA: Four teams from 1975-87, 1976 ABA First Team All-Rookie, 946 games, 9.5 ppg, 5.3 rpg, 2.5 apg
Olberding was a solid contributor to the late-’70s/early-’80s Spurs teams and got to play alongside George Gervin, which is pretty cool. In 1979 the Spurs lost game seven to the Washington Bullets in the Eastern Conference Finals, marking the closes he ever got to playing for an NBA Championship.
11.) Whitey Skoog
High School: Brainerd High School
College: University of Minnesota, 2x All-Big Ten, 65 games, 15.2 points
NBA: Minneapolis Lakers 1951-57, 3x NBA Champion, territorial selection in 1951 NBA Draft, 341 games, 8.2 ppg, 3.3 rpg, 2.6 apg
Whitey Skoog is the most ’50s white guy Minnesota basketball name anyone could ever come up with. He won three championships with the Lakers and gets pushed out of the top ten because he rode George Mikan’s coat tails to glory.
10.) Rachel Banham
High School: Lakeville North High School, 2011 Miss Basketball
College: University of Minnesota, 4x All-Big Ten, 2016 Big Ten Player of the Year and First Team All-American, 8th leading scorer in NCAA Division I women’s history, 144 games, 21.5 ppg, 4.7 rpg, 3.6 apg
WNBA: Connecticut Sun 2016-19, Minnesota Lynx 2020, fourth overall pick in 2016 WNBA Draft, 127 games, 4.5 ppg, 1 rpg, 1.2 apg
The Maroon Mamba caught Kobe’s attention after dropping 60 points in a game. The two cultivated a relationship for years to come after words and Banham ended her college career as the second best Gopher Women’s basketball player in history. She’s the 8th leading scorer in NCAAW history and has since had a solid WNBA career.
9.) Khalid El-Amin
High School: Minneapolis North High School, 1997 Mr. Basketball
College: University of Connecticut, 1999 National Champion, 3x All-Big East, 106 games, 15.3 ppg, 3 rpg, 4.4 apg
NBA: Chicago Bulls 2000-01, 50 games, 6.3 ppg, 1.6 rpg, 2.9 apg
Khalid El-Amin is a legend for Minnesota basketball fans growing up in the ’90s. He led Minneapolis North to three straight state titles in 1995, ’96, and ’97. In College Khalid El-Amin led UConn to a National Championship in 1999 as a sophomore. He made wearing super baggy shirts under a basketball jersey cool and along with KG, and the shamed Gopher Final four team that must not be named, were part of a basketball revolution in Minnesota, and made kids like me want to play basketball.
8.) Jalen Suggs
High School: Minnehaha Academy, 2020 Mr. Basketball
College: Gonzaga University, Second Team All-American, First Team All-WCC, 2021 Final Four, 30 games, 14.4 ppg, 5.3rpg, 4.5 apg
Some might say that this is too high for a 19-year-old kid who has one year of college basketball under his belt. To that I say it was a pretty damn good year of college basketball. Suggs is perhaps the Khalid El-Amin for this generation. He led Minnehaha Academy to three straight state titles and was a consensus top-15 recruit who ended up at Gonzaga. Suggs became a household name when he banked in the game winning three against UCLA to send the Zags to the National Championship. Unlike El-Amin, Suggs lost in the title game but does have a brighter NBA outlook. He’s likely to go somewhere between 2-5 in the upcoming NBA draft and is pegged as a budding star for the next decade and a half. If I redo this list in 2035 there’s a good chance Suggs breaks into the top four.
7.) Tyus Jones
High School: Apple Valley High School, 2014 Mr. Basketball
College: Duke University, 2015 National Champion, NCAA Tournament MOP, Third Team All-ACC, 39 games, 11.8 ppg, 3.5 rpg, 5.6 apg
NBA: Minnesota Timberwolves 2015-19, Memphis Grizzlies 2019-21, 24th overall pick in 2015 NBA Draft, 364 games, 5.8 ppg, 1.7 rpg, 3.6 apg
Tyus Stones rises above the likes of Khalid El-Amin and Jalen Suggs because he won the 2015 National Championship with Duke, but mostly because he was named the Tournament’s Most Outstanding Player. Jones turned his one-and-done season into a serviceable NBA career so far as the perfect back-up point guard. He’s still the gold standard for Minnesota men’s point guards until Suggs proves he’s better in the pros.
6.) Coco Miller
High School: Rochester Mayo, 1997 Co-Miss Basketball
College: University of Georgia, 4x All-SEC, 1999 Final Four, 130 games, 16.4 ppg, 3.9 rpg, 3 apg
WNBA: Three teams from 2001-2012, Ninth overall pick in 2001 WNBA Draft, 2002 Most Improved Player, 352 games, 5.8 ppg, 2.1 rpg, 1.4 apg
A dominant player at Georgia and a solid contributor in the WNBA, Coco was just 2% worse than her twin sister.
5.) Kelly Miller
High School: Rochester Mayo, 1997 Co-Miss Basketball
College: University of Georgia, 2x SEC Player of the Year, 4x All-SEC, 1999 Final Four, 131 games, 16.6 ppg, 5.4 rpg, 4.9 apg
WNBA: 7 teams from 2001-2012, Second overall pick in 2001 WNBA Draft, 2007 WNBA Champion, 2004 Most Improved Player, 364 games, 7.1 ppg, 2.8 rpg, 2.6 apg
Gets the nod over Coco because Kelly was the one who was a two-time SEC Player of the Year and the second pick in the draft. She won a championship and had a slightly better overall career than her sister, but this is about as close as it gets for twins in professional sports.
4.) Dick Garmaker
High School: Hibbing High School
College: Hibbing Community College, University of Minnesota, 2 First Team All-Big Ten, 1955 First Team All-American, 44 games, 22.9 ppg, 7.7rpg
NBA: 4x All-Star, 1956-57 Second Team All-NBA, 13.3 ppg, 4.2 rpg, 2.6 apg
If you split everyone on this list into two teams and had those teams play each other, all in their primes, Dick Garmaker would likely get destroyed by some of the players behind him in the rankings. He’s likely not the fourth best actual basketball player, so why is he here. Garmaker is all the way at number four because of what he did in the early days of the NBA. He was a four-time All-Star a made an All-NBA second team in 1957. Garmaker came into the league just after the Minneapolis Lakers won five championships, but he cemented himself as an early great with his all-around game. Garmaker is unbelievably fourth on the list, but (spoilers) only the second best player from Hibbing, Minnesota. Hibbing is pound-for-pound the greatest talent producing city in the world.
3.) Paige Bueckers
High School: Hopkins High School, 2020 Miss Basketball
College: University of Connecticut, 2021 First Team All-American, AP Player of the Year, 2021 Final Four, 29 games, 20 ppg, 4.9 rpg, 5.8 apg
I get it. She just finished her freshman year of college. No championship, no WNBA accolades, just one year making the Final Four. If her career ended today (knock on wood that it doesn’t) Paige Bueckers probably wouldn’t be the third best player ever from Minnesota. But she’s definitely going to end her career at the top of this list. Bet on it. She was the consensus number one recruit in the 2020 class. Bueckers became the first ever freshman to take home the player of the year honors. And if it wasn’t for a stupid rule, she would have been the number one pick in the WNBA draft, and is almost guaranteed that spot when she’s eligible in 2023. When her career comes to an end sometime in the 2030’s she has a chance to be one of the greatest basketball players of all time, male or female.
2.) Kevin McHale
High School: Hibbing High School, 1976 Mr. Basketball
College: University of Minnesota, 1979-80 First-Team All-Big Ten, 112 Games, 15.2 ppg, 8.5 rpg
NBA: Boston Celtics 1980-93, 3rd overall pick in 1980 NBA Draft, Hall of Fame, 3x NBA Champion, 7x All-Star, 6x All-Defensive, 1986-87 All-NBA First Team, 2x Sixth Man of the Year, 971 games, 17.9 ppg, 7.3 rpg, 1.7 bpg
Most people might be surprised to see Kevin McHale at number two on the list and not at the top. He’s a Hall of Famer, three time NBA Champion, and one of the 50 greatest players in NBA history. A menace on offense and defense, McHale had one of the most diverse assortments of post moves ever seen on the court. He was Larry Bird’s right hand man when battling the Lakers in the ’80s and will always get points for beating the shit out of Kurt Rambis.
All-in-all Mchale had one heck of n NBA career. We went on to both save and then destroy the Timberwolves as a member of the front office. While that doesn’t factor into his demotion to second place, it’s important to note in the history books of Minnesota basketball. McHale has been the gold standard for Minnesota basketball for the last 35 years, but there is one player who finally eclipsed what he accomplished on the court.
1.) Lindsay Whalen
High School: Hutchinson High School
College: University of Minnesota, 3x All-American, 3x All-Big Ten, 2002 Big Ten Player of the Year, 2004 Final Four, 113 games, 20.2 ppg, 4.9 rpg, 5.1 apg
WNBA: Connecticut Sun 2004-09, Minnesota Lynx 2010-18, 4x WNBA Champion, 5x All-Star, 3x All-WNBA First Team, 2x All-WNBA Second Team
Team USA: 2x Gold Medalist (2012, 2016)
Lindsay Whalen is the best basketball player ever from the great state of Minnesota. She’s the greatest Gopher of all time, probably the second greatest player in Lynx history, and anywhere from 10-20 on the list of greatest WNBA players ever. Whalen made women’s basketball appointment viewing in Minnesota in 2004 when she and Janel McCarville led the Gophers to a surprising Final Four berth. She Ranks third all-time in the WNBA in career assists, fifth in games played, 17th in scoring, and seventh in win shares while steering the hometown Lynx to four WNBA Championships. After her playing days were done, Whalen became the head coach at her alma mater, guiding the Gophers to 21 wins in her first season (and only eight in her second, but we don’t talk about that). Whalen has been the face of Minnesota basketball for the better part of the last two decades. Only time will tell if Suggs, Holmgren, or most likely Paige Bueckers will ever get the chance to knock her off the number one spot, but for now let’s marvel at the small town baller turned larger than life figure across these here 10,000 lakes.
Strange things are afoot in the NBA. With just a month to go before the play-in games begin, there are still 7-10 most excellent teams with a chance to win the NBA championship, the rest are just dust in the wind dudes. Ii wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be my style. Pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory last forever. Here’s how the immortal Keanu Reeves sees the NBA with a month to go.
Buddy cop movies are a staple of Hollywood for the last 40 years. Ever since Eddie Murphy teamed up with Nick Nolte in 48 Hours in 1982 there have been hundreds of takes on the buddy cop dynamic. Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Bad Boys, and even Zootopia (yes Disney got in on the buddy cop game) are some of the most beloved and commercially successful movies of all-time. The key to a great buddy cop duo is that they have to be wildly different personalities. The old curmudgeon paired with the young, slightly insane wildcard (Danny Glover and Mel Gibson), or the action hero alongside the average donut eating family-man (Bruce Willis and Reginald VelJohnson), or the playboy and the wisecracking sidekick (Will Smith and Martin Lawrence). Much like an NBA team, a buddy cop film is only as good as it’s leads. This exercise isn’t just about identifying the two best players on each team and trying to pigeon hole them into a role, but finding the best pair of teammates that would drive an exciting, thoughtful, and most importantly funny cop movie with as wild a plot as possible. Also there’s no copaganda going on here or in the NBA so this list will feature a whole lot of bad cops or at least cops who are bad at their jobs (Mo Bamba).
Atlanta Hawks: John Collins and Trae Young
These two allegedly don’t get along very well, which is a perfect buddy cop movie trope. Trae wants to control the squad but John thinks it is harmful to his image as a “hero cop”. The two figure out their differences and we all find out that it was actually their captain who was the problem the whole time.
Movie title: Young Guns
Boston Celtics: Tacko Fall and Robert Williams
This is my favorite buddy cop movie pairing the NBA has to offer and is the reason why I even wrote this damn thing. This would basically be the movie The Other Guys with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg except Ferrell is 7’5″ and Wahlberg’s nickname is the Time Lord. Tacko and the Time Lord run around Boston solving crimes across time hanging out with the like of Paul Revere, Samuel Adams, and Ted Williams while trying to prove that they are indeed good timecops.
Movie title: Tacko and the Time Lord
Brooklyn Nets: James Harden and Blake Griffin
An indie movie adapted from a play that takes place entirely inside a strip club. Two undercover cops stake out the strip club to find out who kidnapped Kyrie Irving for his birthday? Harden goes full Serpico and is downing day-old strip club hot dogs left and right while Blake Griffin reveals the whole thing was a prank on some online pranksters (I don’t care if that’s already a show he’s hosting).
Movie title: Snake and Blake
Charlotte Hornets: LaMelo Ball and Gordon Hayward
LaMelo is the young hotshot while Hayward the grizzled vet who don’t get along at first, but then bond after they both go through traumatic ankle injuries.
Movie title: Ankle Breakers
Chicago Bulls: Zach LaVine and Coby White
We all know the Bulls are back, but how did they get back? A story of redemption as we follow two young misfits and their incredible journey to finally breakout and be the most mediocre cops they can be.
Movie title: BAB: Bulls Are Back
Cleveland Cavaliers: Collin Sexton and Darius Garland
A simple tale of two hotshot ’70s disco/sex cops who sex it up in…Cleveland, Ohio. At least they have a bangin’ theme song.
Movie title: Sexland
Dallas Mavericks:Luka Doncic and Boban Marjanovic
A gritty European noir film sees Luka and Boban infiltrate a Eastern European drug cartel and find out there is indeed trouble in the Balkans! Little does Luka know his beloved partner Bobi is actually his assassin character from John Wick 3 and is working for our Balkan kingpin. Oh baby but then the real twist is Luka is John Wicks long lost son, Luka DonWick, and he goes full Keanu on everyone’s asses.
Movie title: Luka DonWick
Denver Nuggets:Bol Bol and Facundo Campazzo
Bol Bol is 7’2″ and Facundo is 5’10”. This movie writes itself. It’s Twins but they’re cops.
Movie title: Twin Cops
Detroit Pistons:Killian Hayes and Sekou Doumbouya
What if the French Connection took place in Detroit? The two young frenchmen have not played well at all for the Pistons, but hey was Popeye Doyle actually a good cop?
Movie title: The French Connection 2: Motor City Madness
Golden State Warriors:Draymond Green and James Wiseman
Just two hours of Draymond yelling at Wiseman until Wiseman breaks bad and leaves Draymond for dead with a gang of players the Warriors beat for their three championships led by LeBron James in a reverse Training Day situation.
Movie title: The Wise Man
Houston Rockets:Kenyon Martin Jr. and Kevin Porter Jr.
Both of their dads were (somewhat) controversial cops and now they’re on the force to restore the family name. The problem is, they’re assholes too (kind of).
Movie title: Jr. Force
Indiana Pacers:Domantas Sabonis and Myles Turner
They’re the poster boys for being an good not great cop. They don’t kill any unarmed people which is nice but they also don’t prevent or solve any actual crimes.
Movie title: The Poster Boys
Los Angeles Clippers:Lou Williams and Patrick Beverly
How many of these can take place in a strip club? This one has it all: Strippers, suspensions, playoff collapses, and a whole lot of chicken wings.
Movie title: Magic City
Los Angeles Lakers:LeBron James and Kyle Kuzma
A legendary cop who is seen as a hero across the country teams up with some douche with bleached blonde hair and somehow dates instagram models even though he kind of sucks. LeBron eventually tires of Kuzma’s antics and being terrible and decides to team up with cartoon characters instead, tough beat for Kuz.
Movie title: Space Jam 3
Memphis Grizzlies:Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson Jr.
Two guys with a lot of J’s in their name (and on the court).
Movie title: J Squad
Miami Heat:Jimmy Butler and Tyler Herro
Very similar to the Lakers pairing of LeBron and Kuzma. In this movie Butler is the veteran cop, perhaps a war hero that works hard but rubs people the wrong way. He’s paired with Herro the young instagram influencer who has a rap song named after him. They team up Miami Vice style to take down Pat Riley’s and his criminal organization only to find out that Riley is just a pawn and it goes all the way to the top of the NBA…Adam Silver!
Movie title: Working Hard and Being the Man
Milwaukee Bucks:Giannis and Thanasis Antetokounmpo
Bad boys but it’s in Greece and the boys are actually pretty nice and they help a lot of people and are generally happy about their lives. Another bangin’ theme song.
Movie title: Nice Greek Boys
Minnesota Timberwolves: Anthony Edwards and Ricky Rubio
It’s like Point Break but if Keanu and Swayze stayed friends the whole time. Edwards is the hotshot athletic FBI agent while Rubio the care-free hippie surfer who may or may not still rob banks, but this time Edwards is just kind of ok with it and they go sky diving together to strengthen their friendship instead of trying to throw Edwards out of a plane without a parachute. Glen Taylor is Gary Busey, not in this movie, just in real life.
Movie title: Point Break 2: Friends Forever
New Orleans Pelicans:Zion Williamson and Lonzo Ball
Two of the best young cops in the city have to take down Lonzo’s dad when they find out he built and empire on making counterfeit shoes.
Movie title: Big Baller Boys
New York Knicks:Julius Randle and Derrick Rose
In the vein of Die Hard with a Vengeance, Randle and Rose team up and run around NYC to stop evil James Dolan from destroying the Knicks.
Movie title: Die Hard and Ban Dolan
Oklahoma City Thunder:Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Lu Dort
As two of the best Canadian NBA players, Shai and Dort are called back to the motherland when all of the Mounties vanish leaving Niagara Falls unprotected. Shai and Dort save Canada from tourists in a climax that sees Dort defending Canada by flailing his hands in everyone’s face to distract them while Shai sends them over the falls in a giant barrel.
Movie title: Canadian Thunder
Orlando Magic: Markelle Fultz and Mo Bamba
Two once heralded cops are down on their luck after flunking out of the police academy. Can they regain their respect and restore order in a backwards southern town?
Movie title: Bamba Number 5
Philadelphia 76ers:Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons
The whole premise revolves around a young up and coming cop who refuses to shoot, ever (Ben Simmons, Obviously). His partner (Embiid) is kind of an asshole and always getting them into trouble, but Simmons has his own way of dealing with bad guys. Instead of shooting them he gets really into Kung-Fu and kicks the shit out of the rest of the league.
Movie title: The Process Kicks Ass
Phoenix Suns:Chris Paul and Devin Booker
One cop is on his last chance to really make a difference why the other is on his way to superstardom. Can they figure out their chemistry issues before the evil Lakers take over and destroy them before they can figure out how to bring peace to Phoenix for the first time in more than a decade?
Movie title: Phoenix Rising
Portland Trail Blazers:Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum
The exact opposite of the 76ers, Dame and CJ just spend two hours shooting everyone and everything in their line of sight. It’s really problematic, probably funded by Ted Cruz.
Movie title: The Second Amendment
Sacramento Kings:Hassan Whiteside and Marvin Bagley III
Two of the most overrated cops on the force just won’t stop complaining about their jobs so much that their dads have to step in and complain about their jobs some more. Probably not going to make a lot of money.
Movie title: Daddy’s Boys
San Antonio Spurs:DeMar DeRozan and Patty Mills
Not much to say about it, pretty boring but gets the job done. Basically the Other Guys but instead of Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg it’s like Josh Duhamel and Beck Bennett.
Movie title: The Normal Guys
Toronto Raptors:Fred VanVleet and OG Anunoby
A new age Homes and Watson terrorize Toronto in search of Serge Ibaka’s scarves that he left behind. No Dunks’ podcasters J.E. Skeets and Tas Melas help out along the way until they find their arch nemesis: No Dunks producer Jason (J.D.) Doyle, who is discovered to be a descendant of Sir. Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes. J.D. sends Fred and OG a cease and desist letter to stop using the Sherlock Holmes trademark and drags them into an endless court case that for whatever reason the two Raptors don’t give up immediately. They eventually agree to call themselves Tango and Cash so J.D. leaves them alone and all is right with the world.
Movie title: Tango and Cash
Utah Jazz:Rudy Gobert and Joe Ingles
Basically Lethal Weapon if Murtaugh was more of a dick and French (same thing) and Riggs was actually a helpful cop who makes the squad better. They have to discover what or who actually started the COVID pandemic and was it an inside job?
Movie title: Lethal Weapon 5?: Global Outbreak
Washington Wizards: Russell Westbrook and Robin Lopez
Somebody is beating the shit out of mascots all across the city. Two cops have 72 hours to find the criminal before he assaults again. But what happens when Russell Westbrook finds out that his partner is the key suspect in this horrifying case?
Movies are only as good as their villain and most movie villains are after one thing and one thing only… they want to fuck. You may have never thought about this before but movie villains need to bang too, they’re just normal humans (mostly) with sexual desires. Some villains are into some weird shit, while others are more conventional in the bedroom, while some aren’t even looking for anything from their victims except for a swift and unsexy death. And hey man, do what you wanna do, there’s no kink shamming going on here, except for you Armie Hammer, you’re a real guy and seemingly a real big piece of shit, but for out villains we don’t get to tell them how to love. Without further ado here’s 20 famous movie villains rated by kinkiness because this is what the world needs to read right now.
20.) Michael Myers
While he is a very hands on and dedicated stalker, I’m pretty sure this guy does not fuck.
Kink Rating: 0/10
19.) The Terminator
Dude gets dropped off on Earth butt naked with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body (minus the shriveled roid penis, because he’s probably got a giant robot dong) and the first thing he does is beat up some guys for his clothes? Dude you’re in LA naked 1984 Arnold can do anything he wants, and all you want to do is kill Sarah Connor? That’s just boring man do better. This is for killing Bill Paxton you bitch.
Kink Rating: 1/10
18.) Thanos
The busiest guy in the universe doesn’t have time to get busy with any of his conquests after a long day of killing half the people in the universe, that’s why he’s just got a bunch of adopted children. He could use the Infinity Stones for literally any freaky shit he wants, but instead snaps his fingers like he’s in a Lil Jon music video, and then goes to hangout alone on some shitty planet and farm some soybeans. Thanos doesn’t fuck and he really doesn’t want you to either.
Kink Rating: 1.5/10
17.) Anton Chigurh
The coin flip definitely gets the blood flowing in his loins and he loves choking dudes out as you can see above, but It’s just part of the job. Serial killer Anton has about as much sexual energy as John Ford in his high school senior pictures with a not too dissimilar haircut and absolute evil in their cold dead eyes.
Kink Rating: 2/10
16.) Shooter McGavin
Golf is notably one of the least sexy sports full of impotent, middle aged white men who masquerade as athletes and Shooter McGavin is the embodiment of the worst of white country club America. He’s a notable Yacht Rock guy who hates rock concerts, but does watch those people fucking in the woods for way too long. If you include bad place Shooter (which I do not) then you could argue for him to be higher on the list. Bad place shooter is a sex machine who sucks tongue with Happy’s grandma, the KISS guy, and Julie Bowen. He does eat pieces of shit for breakfast so you know there’s a sexual deviant in there somewhere. Normal Shooter is the equivalent of Phil Mickelson, while bad place Shooter is 2008 Tiger Woods just smashing prostitutes and waitresses all over the country.
Kink Rating: 3/10
15.) The Shark from Jaws
I mean he just kind of lies there and stares at you with those lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes and makes you do all the work. That being said Bruce is a biter and will put literally anything in his mouth at least once, nice. Overall though he may be a little too overbearing and is constantly forgetting the safe word, you can’t be too violent if you want to keep fucking all over the sea, otherwise you get blown up by Amity’s daddy Roy Scheider.
Kink Rating: 5/10
14.) Dr. Evil
My guy just wants to be loved but those crazy Belgians fucked little Dougie up. Dr. Evil clones himself and enters into some weird father/son relationship with mini-me, gets freaky with that crazy lady who is his concubine? His wife? Some lady who works for him? I don’t know and I don’t want to. But most of all Dr. Evil just wants Scott to respect him and carry on the Evil name which is a noble quest for a time travelling megalomaniac. Dr. Evil also goes on Jerry Springer at one point which ups the kink factor of any movie villain by like 8%.
Kink Rating: 5/10
13.) Scar
Scar is a tragic bitch surrounded by a harem of subservient hyenas who will do anything for him. The thing is Scar doesn’t get it up for the playboy lifestyle, instead what gets him going is the thought of murdering his own brother and having his gang mutilate his nephew while fucking his sister-in-law. Scar made evil-sexy Hamlet cool before Rick Dalton was ever even cast in Lancer. Scar loves to play with his victims and is basically the Buffalo Bill of the Serengeti. You can absolutely see him in his little room on pride rock dancing in front of a mirror with his big lion balls tucked between his legs saying would you fuck me, I’d fuck me while making Zazu rub lotion on his feathers in his weird little ribcage prison.
Kink Rating: 6/10
12.) Captain Hook
This is where we veer into some really problematic kinks for the first time in this post. If you didn’t notice, Captain Hook is a straight up pedophile. We’re talking especially about Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal of the swashbuckler in the movie Hook. One, he’s obsessed with small children, particularly teenage boys, first Peter Pan, then his son Jack. He grooms Jack to get back at Robin Williams for not loving him enough and eventually leaving Neverland, which is fucked up. He dresses the kid up in full wig, fancy pirate coats, and other stuff and it’s pretty fucking weird. He then has the thing with the crocodile and the clock, and seems to get half a chub when he stabs Rufio, another child, and tries to kill a whole band of orphans. Julia Roberts is in this movie and can’t even get Hook to call her back. Bad form James, bad form.
Kink Rating: a problematic 6/10
11.) Billy Loomis
Poor Billy Loomis is just your normal teenager who needs to fuck, and when he doesn’t he murders half the town. Seems like poor self awareness on his behalf to start dating known good girl Sidney Prescott. Also dude is obsessed with Sid and also killed her mom cuz she fucked his dad, big time mommy issues for young William. You have to admire the commitment though, trying to kill his girlfriend several times while he’s also trying to bang her, then playing stabby stab with his buddy Stu (who he’s def gone to second base with while taking turn licking the blood off their practice stab wounds). Billy Loomis is the ultimate fuckboy who just wants to penetrate stuff no matter the cost.
Kink Rating: 6/10
10.) Sauron
Fucking stalk much, Jesus Sauron get a fucking hobby for Christ’s sake. All he does is sit in his very phalic tower and watches people for 3,000 years. The ultimate voyeur also tries to lure people into loving him by giving them a sexy little ring which binds (nice) people to his will. He even tries to share power with other penis tower enthusiast Saruman who the number two resident peeping Tom of Middle Earth.
Kink Rating: 6/10
9.) The Alien from Alien
A couple of things about the Alien: It latches onto your face and pumps its eggs down your throat, nice. While it’s face fucking you it also chokes the shit out of you, then without warning comes busting right the fuck out of your chest and sprays blood everywhere. Also it has nothing to do with the Xenomorph, but the android if filled with semen which is notable. Also in space no one can hear you scream sounds like the intro to a bad porno, and happens to be the tagline fo this movie. In conclusion the alien is just into autoerotic asphyxiation and is a classic exhibitionist.
Kink Rating: 7/10
8.) Amy Dunne
Not only cucks the shit out of the ultimate sub, Ben Affleck, but makes all of America her bitch as well. She literally slashes NPH’s throat while fucking him, drives home to beta Affleck, he knows she killed NPH and set him up, and she still gets him to get her pregnant, that’s some ultimate dominant shit right there. She’d rather spend the rest of her life and have a kid with Affleck, a man she despises than go live out her life in the Puget Sound painting ducks in her screened in porch. 10/10 guys would marry the shit out of Amy Dunne even knowing that they would eventually either get brutally murdered or framed for a murder/kidnapping because they know that the shower sex afterwards would be next level.
Kink Rating: 7.5/10
7.) Jafar
Oh yea you know Jafar fucks. He’s the evil animated Elton John of the Disneyverse. He has a giant snake staff that gets hard and soft throughout the movie, and the first thing he does when he gains power is make Jasmine his sex slave, then becomes a sex slave as a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub him the right way.
Kink Rating: 7.5/10
6.) Hans Gruber
Gruber basically invented terrorism by ASMR and had a knack for flirting his way into the hearts of his hostages especially his cocaine fantasy boytoy Ellis. Hans and John McClane have intense sexual chemistry during the whole movie and Hans can’t get enough of the cowboy role play throughout their cat and mouse chase. You see Hans’ oh face when he gets dropped off of Nakatomi Plaza because the thought of falling 1,000 feet to his death turns him all the way the fuck on.
Kink Rating: 8/10
5.) Freddie Krueger
A Nightmare on Elm Street is essentially just one big psychosexual Freudian story about a dude who gets off from watching teens banging and sleeping. I mean my guy literally fingers them to death in their sleep, fucking freshman move Fredo, get a hobby.
Kink Rating: 8/10
4.) Hans Landa
Hans Landa is a naughty little evil piece of shit isn’t he, what a scamp. Here are some of the kinky things he does throughout Inglourious Basterds:
Flirts with Perrier LaPadite over a cheeky glass of milk while puffing on that big-ass pipe knowing full well he’s about to gun down some kids
Lets Shoshanna go even though he could have shot her with his puny little Nazi gun
Whole lot of cream talk at the meeting with the ultimate cuck Joeseph Goebbels
Sniffs the shit out of that autographed napkin
Flirts with Brad Pitt in broken Italian
Cinderella’s Bridget von Hammersmark and then chokes the shit out of her
Relishes in sexual tension the whole movie
Gets headbutted by Brad Pitt wearing a hood, likes it
Nicknames Ryan from The Office the little man
Writhes in pain? pleasure? while Brad Pitt carves a swastika into his fucking face, definitely likes it
Hans Landa, horny little possum man.
Kink Rating: 8.5/10
3.) The Joker
To be clear this is specifically Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight. Jack Nicholson’s Joker is a fuckboy, but Joaqin Phoenix’s is a sad virgin man and we don’t speak about Jared Leto’s Joker in this household. Ledger’s Joker has the most chaotic sexual energy of anyone all-time real or fake. He loves getting punched in the face repeatedly by a big strong guy in a gimp suit. He plays constant sexual mind games with Bruce Wayne and even lets Bruce tie him up and hang him upside down. And above all else I think he is truly in love with Batman, what if the Dark Knight was really a romance the entire time?
Kink Rating 9/10
2.) Hannibal Lecter
Look at this little flirt, just asking Jodie Foster to get closer to his cell, you frisky monster you. Dr. Lecter is the inspiration for real life monster Armie Hammer who all the way sucks. Some would argue that Buffalo Bill is the true kink-master, which does make sense with all the mirror dancing, the it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again mumbo jumbo, keeping women in wells, it makes sense. My argument is two fold: first Buffalo Bill isn’t the real villain in The Silence of the Lambs so we don’t care about him, secondly big guy is just trying to figure out who he is and wants to experiment, Lecter knows exactly who he is, a psycho who gets off by eating people with some second tier beans and a shitty wine.
Kink Rating: 9.5/10
1.) Darth Vader
I mean obviously, Vader is Anakin Skywalker, a sexy sensitive guy from Tatooine. Starting off in the prequels Anakin has some real mommy issues and is def trying to slide into Padme’s royal panties at the ripe old age of nine. I mean he calls her an angel before he goes through puberty, you knew this kid was gonna get up to some shit when he got older. After he becomes Vader he also walks around the galaxy choking people while essentially wearing a gimp suit and stabbing them with a large light up dildo, that’s a kinky cry for help if I’ve ever seen one. He has a steamy showdown with Obi Wan and you wonder what happened between them 30 years prior when they were alone together in the vastness of space. Vader loves power but also gets off being the obedient servant of a shriveled penis man named Sheev. Dude was probably just trying to get freaky in in a galaxy far far away, did anyone ever even ask? No they just shot at him like a bunch of assholes. Stupid rebels.
Kink Rating: 10/10
If we’ve learned anything from this exercise it’s that people in movies are evil primarily because they need to fuck and get into some weird shit. So next time you watch a movie and there’s a horrible villain doing some truly evil shit just think for once what they’re going through, and if they’re getting any and allow them to let their freak flags fly proudly while they kill the shit out of some innocent people.
Denzel Washington would come into the NBA and immediate become the greatest coach of all-time. He took the raggedy Titans and turned them into the greatest defensive team in the history of high school football and cured racism along the way. In He Got Game Denzel became the greatest force in NCAA recruiting history by getting out of prison and getting his son Jesus Shuttlesworth (AKA Ray Allen) to go to Big State. That’s like of I told LeBron James to go to Minnesota just for shits and he fucking did and won a national championship. Even Alonzo Harris inspired sad boy Jake Hoyt to become a great cop. Dude didn’t have the drive until Detective Harris left him for dead and tried to set him up for some crimes, a real motivator. Hell, he could take the Timberwolves and turn them into a contender, just gotta get out the PCP.
1.) Brooklyn Nets
2.) Utah Jazz
3.) Philadelphia 76ers
4.) Milwaukee Bucks
5.) Phoenix Suns
6.) Los Angeles Lakers
7.) Los Angeles Clippers
8.) Denver Nuggets
9.) Portland Trail Blazers
10.) Dallas Mavericks
11.) Miami Heat
12.) San Antonio Spurs
13.) Golden State Warriors
14.) Boston Celtics
15.) Atlanta Hawks
16.) New York Knicks
17.) Memphis Grizzlies
18.) Indiana Pacers
19.) Charlotte Hornets
20.) New Orleans Pelicans
21.) Chicago Bulls
22.) Toronto Raptors
23.) Oklahoma City Thunder
24.) Cleveland Cavaliers
25.) Washington Wizards
26.) Sacramento Kings
27.) Orlando Magic
28.) Minnesota Timberwolves
29.) Detroit Pistons
30.) Houston Rockets
Now we just gotta get Will Patton to sign on as the Timberwolves’ defensive specialist. We are the Timberwolves, the mighty mighty Timberwolves. Quick comp of the Wolves and Titans rosters. KAT is Gerry Bertier, Anthony Edwards is Julius, Rubio is sunshine (obviously), DLo is Petey, Beasley is Gosling, Naz is Blue, and Glen Taylor is Ray (the racist one), lastly I’m Hayden Panettiere but with way more swearing.
Kurt Russell, you know him, you love him, you either want to be him or want him to be your dad. But more importantly can he, and most specifically, can the characters he plays dunk? Russell’s career has spanned more than 50 years and he’s played everything from a teenage computer to some of the most famous people in American history to an entire fucking planet. My guy’s got range, but how high can that range jump? The easy answer to my question would be no, Kurt Russell definitely can’t dunk. Listed at somewhere around 5’11” which gives an average standing reach of about 7’4″ he would need a vertical of 32 inches just to touch the rim. Given that most people need to jump about six inches over the rim to actually dunk the basketball, our guy Kurt would need a vertical of no less than 38 inches in order to dunk, which means he would need the athletic ability of a young six-foot NBA superstar Chris Paul. Lets take a look at some of his most iconic roles and ask the question everyone wants to know the answer to: which Kurt Russell characters can dunk?
Elvis, Elvis
A couple of mitigating factors here in determining if Kurt Russell Elvis can dunk. First, Elvis was about the same height as Russell, somewhere around 5’11” to six-feet. Young Elvis was an athlete and played football while growing up. Lastly the TV movie Elvis doesn’t depict the last several years of Elvis’ life, the fat Elvis years. That being said, there’s no fucking way Kurt Russell Elvis could dunk wearing those cooky outfits while loading up on peanut butter and banana sandwiches, dues gonna puke at the rim and the ball will slip harmlessly out of his hands.
Can Elvis Dunk: No
Snake Plissken, Escape From New York and Escape from LA
We already know that Snake Plissken is the greatest basketball player on the face of the Earth.
He’s got the clutch gene, saving the world and shit, and there’s no doubt in my mind that when the guards go home and he’s just messing around without the weight of the world on his broad shoulders, he could absolutely throws down a wicked tomahawk 360 in the Duke of New York’s face.
Can Snake Plissken dunk: Hell yea
MacReady, The Thing
No chance in hell MacReady is even attempting a dunk when it’s -60 degrees in Antartica and he’s drunk as hell.
Can MacReady Dunk: No, too cold
Jack Burton, Big Trouble in Little China
Jack Burton definitely thinks he can dunk among other things. Supreme confidence goes a long way in actually making it happen. Jack Burton is a master at manifestation. Watch the movie and you’ll see a man with raw athleticism, who is jumping around beating the shit out of 1,000 year old Chinese thunder gods. It’s all in the reflexes. Plus old Jack Burton takes some magic potion to make him invincible, my guy can really shake the pillars of hell, or the backboard on a giant alley-oop.
Can Jack Burton Dunk: Yes sir, the check is in the mail
Lt. Cash, Tango & Cash
Lt. Cash is far more interested in other things than getting in the gym every day to get those legs in dunking shape.
Can Cash Dunk: No
The McCaffreys, Backdraft
Both dead papa and angry brother McCaffrey that Russell confusingly plays were firefighters through and through. They def and daddy son firehouse squat circuit training every day and it would have made a great montage. These dudes kicked the strongest Baldwin’s ass in a win for “real” men everywhere. Somehow hauling hoses across Chicago seems to be the perfect workout in order to be able to dunk.
Can the McCaffreys Dunk: Duh, firefighters kick ass (except you Jack Robinson)
Captain Ron, Captain Ron
Captain Ron has absolutely no idea where he is at any given time and has never touched a basketball in his life. He’s going to fall off his boat before he ever dunks a basketball. Also the eye patch is going to throw off his depth perception.
Can Captain Ron dunk: No
Wyatt Earp, Tombstone
Wyatt Earp is a living legend in Tombstone. The people of the titular city were probably ready to rename it Earpstone, Wyatt Town? Earptopia? whatever a la Tompa Bay after Brady arrived in your grandparents retirement community last year. Earp Dunks all over fat Billy Bob Thorton early in the movie, but to actually dunk a basketball, in the Wild West? With Those hats and coats? Tough gig for the Earp boys. When he gets stuffed by the rim on the first attempt he’s absolutely yelling this at an inanimate object on a desert basketball court as a tumbleweed blows by.
He’s basically the Chris Paul of the Wild West but that Cliff Paul mustache is going to keep him from throwing down a sick jam 100/100 times.
Can Wyatt Earp Dunk: No, but everyone believes he can anyways
Doucebag army guy, Stargate
Like ’90s firefighters, ’90s army bros are notorious for being yoked. He’s definitely sitting in his barracks watching James Spader sleep while doing 5,000 squats in the middle of the night mumbling something like “science bitch” under his breath without breaking eye contact. If he grew up in the Youtube era, when they opened the Stargate, Russell would have his buddy hold up a tiny basketball hoop so Russell could simultaneously dunk on and through the Stargate, and Spader by proxy.
Can Army Russell dunk: Sir yes Sir
Herb Brooks, Miracle
Herb Brooks was a 5’10” hockey player from Minnesota who was born in 1937. While he doesn’t have enough talent to dunk on talent alone, I do know for a fact that he will stand under that rim and jump again and again and again until god dammit he dunks the ball, preferably against the Russians, while he calls himself a candy ass between each try.
Can Herb Brooks dunk: No, but in the most inspiring way possible
The Commander, Sky High
Yea no shit he’s the world’s most powerful superhero.
Can The Commander dunk: Yes, in the most boring Superman way
Stuntman Mike, Deathproof
He himself as a human male cannot dunk a basketball. But as an Evel Knievel stuntman he’s def driving his car off a huge jump at a basketball halftime show and dunking the ball out of the drivers window before crashing into the first 17 rows killing 300 people in the process.
Can Stuntman Mike dunk: No and we should never ask him to.
John Ruth, The Hateful Eight
Kind of a mix between MacReady and Wyatt Earp, John Ruth can’t dunk for a few reasons. One, nobody in history could dunk before 1900, that’s a fact, don’t bother looking it up. Two, the snow is too damn deep. Have you ever tried jumping in snow with all those layers on? Michael Jordan couldn’t jump over a phone book in a giant bearskin coat and moleskin boots. Lastly, he’s gotta hold onto Jennifer Jason Leigh, can’t try to one hand that shit if you’re holding hostages.
Can John Ruth dunk: No
Ego, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
As a full on planet technically he’s dunking when everyone else is, so yea he’s a god damn planet.
Can Ego dunk: Yes
Santa, The Christmas Chronicles 1&2
Couple of things: Santa is an old fat guy so right away you assume he can’t dunk. On the flip side, he’s a magic enthusiast who has flying reindeer and can get around the globe in a single night so perhaps getting to the rim isn’t the biggest task in the world. And Kurt Russell is a hot, seemingly cool Santa, Tim Allen getting fat and old he is not. With his magic there’s no question that Santa could be the starting power forward on the Minnesota Timberwolves.
The 2020 rookie class was heralded as one of the weakest in the last 20 years. There were no clear cut future stars, and every prospect had at least one fatal flaw that would keep them from becoming and NBA superstar. Halfway through the season and it looks like most draft experts were super wrong about this class and deserve to be called out for their slander against bonafide future stars like LaMelo Ball, Anthony Edwards, and Tyrese Haliburton. 30-some odd games into this wonky season and the rookies have somehow outshined even the rosiest of projections, overcoming zero offseason, a limited training camp, and dealing with the chaos of the pandemic at tender ages. While it probably won’t go down as the greatest draft of all-time, the 2020 NBA Draft is definitely better than anyone could have ever imagined.
1.) LaMelo Ball, Charlotte Hornets
Stats: 15.8 ppg, 6.1 rpg, 6.4 apg
New Melo has been the leader in the clubhouse for this new, prestigious made up award all season. Leading into the 2020 NBA Draft Ball had plenty of detractors and it seemed to be a 50-50 chance he would either be the next Magic Johnson, or perhaps some version of Michael Carter-Williams. Either all-time great or all-time chump seemed to be the thought about Ball for months, and 30-something games into his career new Melo has exceeded even the loftiest of expectations for his rookie season. LaMelo is one of the most exciting players in the entire league, throwing lobs and skip passes all over the court to mediocre dudes like Miles Bridges and Malik Monk. He has the normally woeful Hornets in the 6th seed in the East and currently clear of the play in tournament. Ball looks like one of the next crop of great young players who will be one of the best players in the NBA for the next 15 years.
2.) Anthony Edwards, Minnesota Timberwolves
Stats: 15.8 ppg, 4.1 rpg, 2.5 apg
It took a while but the first-overall pick in the NBA draft is finally showing critics that perhaps the Timberwolves actually knew what they were doing when they selected Edwards ahead of Ball and James Wiseman. The 19-year-old from Georgia looked like he was in way over his head in the truncated pre-season, and a lot of his struggles plagued him throughout the first half of the regular season. Edwards struggles to make shots and is shaky from three, but holy shit is he an athletic terrorist when he gets a head of steam going to the rim. He threw down what will easily be the dunk of the year against the Raptors, and has a dozen other insane highlights across his first 36 games. In the eight games since Chris Finch took over as head coach Edwards is averaging 22 points per game, 5.9 rebounds, and 2.5 assists on shooting splits of 39.6/31.9/82.1. Edwards is well on his way to becoming one of the most popular young players in the NBA and has started to show that he can actually help the Timberwolves win some more games.
3.) Tyrese Haliburton, Sacramento Kings
Stats: 12.8 ppg, 3.5 rpg, 5.2 apg
Haliburton has been as steady as a 10-year vet all while playing on the least steady team in the NBA (friggin Kangz). The 21-year-old shooting guard has shown the ability to knockdown any shot and is hitting a blistering 43 percent from three as a rookie. Haliburton is already an above average playmaker with 5.2 assists as a nice compliment to De’Aaron Fox. Some people think Haliburton’s ceiling may be a little bit lower than Ball, Edwards, and even Wiseman, but he already has show an incredibly high floor in which to improve upon. Now just get as far away from Sacramento as possible, Haliburton sure would look great in a Spurs jersey wouldn’t he?
4.) Immanuel Quickley, New York Knicks
Stats: 12.5 ppg, 2.3 rpg, 2.4 apg
The Knicks knocked the 2020 draft out of the park, but surprisingly not for their top pick. The Knickerbockers chose Dayton phenom Obi Toppin with the 8th pick in the draft, but it’s their 25th pick Quickley that has helped steer the Knicks back to relevance. Quickley is already showing flashes of becoming the next Lou Williams/Jamal Crawford type slasher scorer who already has one of the best floaters in the game. Julius Randle, R.J. Barrett, and Quickley are the wonky, talented young core that against all odds will be the saviors of Madison Square Garden.
5.) Patrick Williams, Chicago Bulls
Stats: 10.2 ppg, 4.7 rpg, 1.3 apg
The Bulls are back and a lot of it is thanks to their young core, of which Patrick Williams is a key cog in the machine. Williams is a perfect fit in the frontcourt alongside Wendell Carter Jr., Lauri Markkanen, and Thaddeus Young. While Williams probably doesn’t have a future as an NBA superstar, he has the tools to grow into an important role player on a perennial playoff team.
6.) Saddiq Bey, Detroit Pistons
Stats: 10.1 ppg, 3.9 rpg, 1.1 apg
One of the lone bright spots for a Pistons team that once again is the most boring team in the NBA. Killian Hayes was supposed to be the top rookie in the Motor City, but since his injury Bey has taken that title. Bey is a nice sized wing who can knock down a three and give the Pistons a boost off the bench.
7.) Jae’Sean Tate, Houston Rockets
Stats: 9.9 ppg, 5.3 rpg, 1.6 apg
Undrafted Tate has come out of nowhere to find himself in a solid rotation spot with the Rockets in the aftermath of the James Harden trade. Tate fills a lot of needs for the Rockets who have lost 16 straight games. Tate rebounds extremely well for a 6’4″ small forward and cam provide a little defense, something James Harden never did.
8.) James Wiseman, Golden State Warriors
Stats: 12 ppg, 5.9 rpg, 0.6 apg
The plight of James Wiseman over the last 18 months makes the 19-year-old seven-footer the most interesting rookie in the NBA. Wiseman was the presumptive favorite to be the top pick in 2020 until he was barred from playing for Memphis after three games for improper benefits given to Wiseman’s family. Nobody saw him play basketball for a year afterwards, causing his draft stock to drop with pundits unsure of his talent level. Eventually Wiseman was taken second by the Warriors, a team with a roster full of key members of the Warriors dynasty that won three championships. Adding a talented big man in Wiseman was a gamble for Golden State, how would he fit in with Steph Curry and Klay Thompson? The answer is we still don’t know since Thompson is out with an Achilles injury. Wiseman has had an up-and-down rookie year moving in and out of the starting lineup, while facing criticism from head coach Steve Kerr. Wiseman still looks like he’ll be able to blossom into a good Center in the NBA, but his path to stardom has gotten just a little bit more difficult than we originally thought.
9.) Desmond Bane, Memphis Grizzlies
Stats: 9.8 ppg, 2.9 rpg, 1.3 apg
Bane gives the Grizzlies yet another young player to mix in with budding superstars Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson. At 45.1 percent, Bane is already one of the best long range shooters in the NBA and will fill an important role off the bench for a Grizzlies team fighting for a playoff spot.
10.) Isaiah Stewart, Detroit Pistons
Stats: 5.6 ppg, 5.9 rpg, 0.7 apg
Giving the Pistons some big beef in the middle, Stewart has been a lot of fun to watch on the lowly Pistons. Stewart is a tough guy who will be a fan favorite in Detroit for years to come.
The idea of NBA expansion has somehow only become more possible in the last 10 months during the pandemic. Most people have thrown out their ideas for which cities across the country the NBA should expand to: Seattle is a no brainer, lots of people want Las Vegas (RIP James Harden), Louisville, even Mexico City and Montreal seem to be real candidates for a new NBA franchise sometime in the next half decade. Thinking about nice cities that deserve an NBA team is no fun so here are a bunch of random places that would be horrible places to give a professional basketball team.
Flint, Michigan
Population: 97,000
How pissed would people be if Adam Silver inexplicably game Flint a friggin pro sports team before the people of Flint had access to fresh water. You’d think we would have fixed that by now, but alas most actual problems in the United States were forgotten about for the last four years.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Population: 560,000
What team, Wildcats! Get your head in the game! You don’t want to bring an NBA team to the city know as the home of High School Musical and fictional basketball/dance legend Troy Bolton. He’s Larry Bird to these people and anyone who plays for Albuquerque would have to go through arduous dance rehearsals before each game to make sure they get the choreography ready for the big night. Imagine Joel Embiid having to decide between playing in the NBA Finals or getting a callback for Danny in the teams spring production of Grease.
Nome, Alaska
Population: 3,850
Waaaaaaay too close to Russia. We don’t need a Red Dawn situation happening during the Dunk Contest at All-Star Saturday Night in Nome. The team’s name would have to be Wolverines!
Panama City Beach, Florida
Population: 12,750
The Las Vegas of the Florida panhandle James Harden would have to manage his load every time he played against PCB. If I can get up to no good in this town 99 percent of all pro athletes would get suspended within a day, especially during spring break. You would have to move the NBA Finals to November.
Honolulu, Hawaii
Population: 349,000
Way too far away. Nobody wants to have a back to back in LA and Honolulu with a five hour flight in between. Also once you get to Hawaii the last thing you’re going to want to do is go inside and play basketball all day. If they could play outside on Waikiki Beach then we can talk.
Billings, Montana
Population: 109,600
An NBA team would really get in the way of the Billings Rodeo and we don’t want that to happen do we?
Wynnewood, Oklahoma
Population: 2,212
While a Tiger King NBA team would automatically be the coolest team in pro sports, rural Oklahoma is probably not the best place to do it. Aside from the racism there’s a buttload of meth out there and these guys would wish they were Carole Baskin’s dead husband.
Gary, Indiana
Population: 76,000
Nothing good happens in Gary, Indiana.
Malibu, California
Population: 12,600
Nobody is showing up to play if they’re in Malibu. LeBron will just host everyone at his house for taco Tuesday and take the L and then just show up for like three games in April, smoke everyone and win the finals again.
Lexington, Kentucky
Population: 320,600
Way too invested in the University of Kentucky basketball team. Only UK grads can play for the new expansion team which would probably be the best team in the league. AD, KAT, Booker, Fox, SGA, Bam, Jamal Murray, Julius Randle, Tyler Herro, Boogie Cousins, John Wall, PJ Washington, and Immanuel Quickley would win 75 games and six straight titles.
Buffalo, NY
Population: 256,500
Imagine Bills fans as basketball fans? They’d be dunking on all of the poor tables across Western New York. It’s just not safe at this point to give them another team.
Roswell, New Mexico
Population: 48,400
The NBA doesn’t fuck with aliens.
Toledo, Ohio
Population: 276,600
Toledo can hardly handle a minor league baseball team and has like 3 bars, no thank you.
Montpelier, Vermont
Population: 7,855
The best thing to happen to Vermont was a bad joke on Baywatch so yea no NBA team for you.
Key Largo, Florida
Population: 9,950
The only thing I remember about Key Largo is that there was a chain gang at the beach and everyone’s lawn furniture was their coke den piss stained couch.
Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin
2,841
Way too many water parks. James Haden will absolutely figure out how to get a lap dance in the wave pool at Noah’s Ark.
Grand Forks, North Dakota
Population: 56,500
Too busy caring about a shitty college hockey team to care about a real sport.
Coon Rapids, Minnesota
Population: 62,500
Famous for being where the District 5 hockey team officially become the Ducks in The Mighty Ducks, and my place of birth, Coon Rapids is actually more know for an unfortunate name and seedy roller rink. I have a feeling most basketball players would refuse to play in jerseys that say Coon Rapids across their chest.
Adam Silver if you’re reading this maybe stick to real towns and don’t bring a basketball team to one of these shitholes.
I don’t know what to say really. Two months into the strangest NBA season of our lives and it all comes down to this meaningless power ranking blog. Either I heal as a writer or I’m going to crumble. Inch by inch, word by word, until I’m finished. I’m in hell right now, internet folks. Believe me, I can either stay here and get the shit kicked out of me by internet trolls or fight my way back into the light. I can climb out of hell one inch at a time.
I look around and I see the shit I’ve written and I think I’ve made every mistake a 29-year-old man can make. I pissed all my money away and moved to fucking England, I chased off anyone who’s not British and now I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror (because I haven’t had a haircut in three months of quarantine). When you get old things in life get taken away from you, you find out life’s a game of inches, and so is blogging about basketball.
In either life or blogging the margin of error is so small. One dumb post about young tv shows or GIF dependant power rankings and you don’t quite make it. One more mean spirited joke about how much you can’t stand British people and you lose readers. The inches we need are all around us. They’re in every Timberwolves meltdown reaction, in every bad inside joke, and every Ben Affleck GIF.
On this blog we fight for that inch. On this blog we tear ourselves and every British person around us to pieces for that inch. We even acknowledge the bloody Welsh for that inch. Because we know when we add up all those inches that’s going to make the fucking difference between winning and losing, between living and dying, being British and being a reasonable person.
In any fight it’s the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. If I’m gonna have any life anymore it’s because I’m willing to fight and die for that inch, because that’s what life is, the six inches in front of your face (especially if your a British person on the sidewalk). Now I can’t make you read this, you’ve got to look at the guy next to you, look into their eyes. Now I think you will see a guy who will read this blog with you. You will see a guy who is gonna sacrifice himself and read some dumb shit for the team, because he knows when it comes down to it, you better do the same for them. That’s a team, gentlemen, and either we read this Al Pacino centric NBA power ranking as a team, or you die as individuals who didn’t experience this life altering blog. That’s blogging guys, that’s all it is.
Now what are you gonna do?
The answer is your going to read the NBA Power Rankings according to Al Pacino GIFs.
1.) Utah Jazz
2.) Los Angeles Lakers
3.) Brooklyn Nets
4.) Los Angeles Clippers
5.) Philadelphia 76ers
6.) Milwaukee Bucks
7.) Phoenix Suns
8.) Portland Trail Blazers
9.) Denver Nuggets
10.) Toronto Raptors
11.) San Antonio Spurs
12.) Golden State Warriors
13.) Indiana Pacers
14.) Boston Celtics
15.) Dallas Mavericks
16.) Miami Heat
17.) Memphis Grizzlies
18.) New York Knicks
19.) Charlotte Hornets
20.) New Orleans Pelicans
21.) Atlanta Hawks
22.) Chicago Bulls
23.) Oklahoma City Thunder
24.) Orlando Magic
25.) Sacramento Kings
26.) Houston Rockets
27.) Washington Wizards
28.) Detroit Pistons
29.) Cleveland Cavaliers
30.) Minnesota Timberwolves
On any given Sunday you’re gonna win and read this blog or your gonna lose and miss out, the point is can you win or lose like a man?
The NBA will announce the starters of the 2021 NBA All-Star Game on Friday, a game in which most NBA stars have said they don’t want to play in due to, you know, a pandemic. As much as we absolutely need another round of NBA players playing horse in their driveways and backyard courts, the All-Star announcements (and not an actual game you greedy bastards) come at a time when most basketball fans need a break from what’s actually going on in the real world. This season is different from most for many reasons and one of them is that there are about 50 players who actually deserve to be named an All-Star this year. Unexpected youngsters like Shai Gilgious-Alexander, Collin Sexton, and Jerami Grant are having breakout season while veterans including DeMar DeRozan, Julius Randle, Andre Drummond, and even John Wall are having a career renaissance and are leading teams most thought were going to be at the bottom of the standings to playoff contention. Some selections were simple, some were excruciating, without further ado here are my picks for the 2021 NBA All-Star teams.
The frontcourt trio in the East is probably the easiest choice to make this season. Durant, Embiid, and Giannis are all having remarkable seasons and sit respectively somewhere in the top 10 of the MVP conversation. Durant is playing just as well if not slightly better than ever in his career, even after being sidelined for 18 months with what could have been a career ending Achilles injury. KD is averaging 29 points, 7.3 rebounds, and 5.3 assists per game on a near 50/40/90 split (52.4/43.4/86.9) for the third place Nets. At 32 Durant could realistically win his second career MVP award while leading the Nets super team to the third championship of his career. Embiid might be the current odds on favorite to win the MVP (currently third according to FanDuel) and has led the Sixers to the best record in the East. Giannis is still Giannis and while he won’t win a third straight MVP, he is still one of the best players in the league and will be an absolute force to be reckoned with in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. The guard selections were much harder to make. I went will Beal simply because he’s been the best offensive guard in the league and leads the NBA in scoring at 32.9 points per game. At the second guard position I selected Jaylen Brown as a starter over Kyrie Irving and James Harden because Brown has been playing at a high level on both sides of the floor for the entire season. Brown is up to 26 points per game with 5.7 rebounds and 3.4 assists. Tatum is still the leader and most talented player on the Celtics but Jaylen Brown deserves a lot of credit and is a sneaky MVP dark horse.
Eastern Conference Reserves
Guard: Zach LaVine, Chicago Bulls
Guard: Kyrie Irving, Brooklyn Nets
Frontcourt: Jayson Tatum, Boston Celtics
Frontcourt: Khris Middleton, Milwaukee Bucks
Frontcourt: Domantas Sabonis, Indiana Pacers
Wild Card: James Harden, Brooklyn Nets
Wild Card: Ben Simmons, Philadelphia 76ers
Of the reserves Tatum, Middleton, Kyrie, and Harden are mortal locks to make the team. Tatum is having the best season of his young career averaging 25.6 points, 7.1 rebounds, and a career high 4.5 assists per game for a pretty good Celtics team. Middleton is one of the best two way players in the NBA and is in serious contention for a 50/40/90 season (51/44.4/90) and is going to make his third straight All-Star team. Since Kyrie came back from his mental health break he’s been one of the best offensive players in the league. In the last 13 games he’s averaging 28.8 points on 55 percent shooting. Kyrie’s new teammate James Harden has been the one of the best playmakers in the NBA since he got traded and started giving a shit in Brooklyn. That leaves three open slots that about 15 players have a chance to fill. I picked Zach LaVine, Domantas Sabonis, and Ben Simmons to round out the roster. LaVine is an offensive monster averaging 28.5 points per game and the Bulls are officially back so he has to be an All-Star. Maybe Adam Silver can coax him into another dunk contest if he actually makes the team. I had to find a way to get a Pacer in there since they’re one of the few Eastern Conference teams that aren’t pretty bad. It came down to Sabonis and Malcolm Brogdon with Sabonis being the easy choice to make back to back All-Star games. Sabonis has become a great playmaker from the post averaging a career high 5.7 assists per game. I reserved the last wild card spot for someone who can actually play defense and that person is undoubtedly Ben Simmons. Simmons leads the league in defensive box plus minus and averages a combined 2.5 blocks and steals per game. The former top pick is arguably the best wing defender in the league and will give the East their best chance to lock down LeBron, Curry, and Lillard. Guys who just missed the roster include: Bam Adebayo, Julius Randle, Trae Young, Nikola Vucevic, and Gordon Hayward.
Western Conference Starters
Guard: Steph Curry, Golden State Warriors
Guard: Damian Lillard, Portland Trail Blazers
Frontcourt: LeBron James, Los Angeles
Frontcourt: Kawhi Leonard, Los Angeles Clippers
Frontcourt: Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets
Four of the five starting spots in the West are no-brainers. LeBron, Kawhi, and Jokic in the front court are miles ahead of any other forwards in the West, and Steph Curry is playing like his unanimous MVP self even though it’s for a middling team. LeBron is the MVP of the league so far and Jokic isn’t terribly far behind while Kawhi is always the biggest superstar who has to exert the least effort in order to take over a game. The second guard spot is where you can go a few different ways. There is a very substantial case to be made for Luka Doncic starting in place of Damian Lillard. Doncic is nearly averaging a triple double and is arguably the most impactful player for any one team. I chose Lillard as the starter because his play has vaulted the Blazers into a top five seed in the West, mostly without C.J. McCollum, and is every bit the offensive threat that Luka is, maybe minus a little playmaking ability. I want to see Steph and Dame just bomb logo threes during a game that absolutely should not actually take place.
Western Conference Reserves
Guard: Luka Doncic, Dallas Mavericks
Guard: Donovan Mitchell, Utah Jazz
Frontcourt: Anthony Davis, Los Angeles Lakers
Frontcourt: Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz
Frontcourt: Paul George, Los Angeles Clippers
Wild Card: Zion Williamson, New Orleans Pelicans
Wild Card: Chris Paul, Phoenix Suns
Like the East, the West reserves have several complete locks to make the team including: Luka, Anthony Davis, Donovan Mitchell, Rudy Gobert and Paul George. Luka arguably should be a starter ahead of Lillard. The Slovenian superstar is arguably the most important offensive player in the game averaging 29.1 points, 8.6 rebounds, and 9.4 assists per game. Donovan Mitchell is the leader of the best team in the league and his teammate Rudy Gobert is in line to win his third DPOY award this season for the Jazz. Paul George has missed the last seven games with a foot injury and should be back before the All-Star break. The same can’t be said for Davis who strained his achilles and will likely be sidelined for a few weeks. There’s a good chance that Davis gets picked for the team and then someone else takes his spot as an injury replacement. That leaves two wild-card spots open in the loaded West. I decided to pick Zion Williamson only because he’s one of the most exciting players in the NBA. Contrary to what J.E. Skeets wants you to think, Zion is a walking highlight, especially since Stan Van Gundy figured out how to properly use him as a driver and a cutter from the wing. Zion is averaging 25 points per game and dunking all over the league in his second season and will be one of the most exciting All-Star players for the next decade and a half. The last spot is reserved for the point god Chris Paul. CP3 is the reason the Suns are actually good this season and deserves to make his 11th and what might end up being his last All-Star game. The snubs in the West include: Mike Conley, Devin Booker, De’Aaron Fox, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, DeMar DeRozan, and Christian Wood.
Who would have thought that in the year of your lord 2021 that LeBron James, arguably one of the top ten most famous people on the planet would be locked in a titanic battle of the ages with a 25-year-old Atlanta gold digger dubbed “Courtside Karen”and her 60-year-old Dan Bilzerian wannabe husband who distributes alcohol? Sounds like some kind of drunken mad-lib you would come up with in your college dorm room at 3AM while you and your roommates are drinking Natty Lights playing Goldeneye. No this actually happened last night and it got me thinking about other random NBA Feuds. NBA players are interesting because they seem like they can get into with almost anyone and anything at any time. NBA players have been feuding non-stop since the league began in the 1940’s. Here are some of the most fun, bizarre and totally random NBA feuds in the 21st Century.
10.) Malik Beasley vs. Scottie Pippen
This one isn’t neccesarily a beef as I don’t think either have spoken public about the other, but Malik Beasley straight up stole Scottie Pippen’s wife. Pippen, one of the greatest basketball players off all-time got cucked by some dude who plays for the god damn Timberwolves, the least sexy franchise in sports (except off the court this year with KAT dating Jordyn Woods). Beasley was seen over the offseason holding hands with Scotties estranged wife Larsa Pippen of Real Housewives of Miami and being Kim Kardashian’s friend fame. While Scottie and Larsa have been separated since 2016 they are not officially divorced, but the biggest part of this is that Malik Beasley is also married and his wife had to file for divorce after seeing his affair on the front page of the tabloids. Maybe the real feud is with beasley’s wife. Last thought is this, is Minnesota the new Kardashian capital of the world. I mean Kim married native son Khris Humphries, and now their former friends are all dating Timberwolves players. Minnesota is back baby.
9.) LeBron vs. Courtside Karen
This feud is hilarious on many levels. 1.) This lady was fucking ready to throw down with LeBron who is 6’9″ 250. 2.) Immediately going on Instagram to bitch about getting kicked out of the game because you wanted to fight LeBron is why I love this generation. 3.) Having to announce that you are not a gold digger when your husband is the shitty Atlanta version of the bad guy from Tenet is an admission that you are in fact a gold digger. 4.) LeBron seemed to be having so much fun in his post game presser essentially calling them drunk assholes. 5.) LeBron apparently called him “old steroid ass” which is the exact joke I’ve been trying to make. Hire me LeBron.
8.) Klay Thompson and Draymond Green vs. Rodney McGruder
This is a relatively new feud as well as Klay Thompson, who is out this year with an Achilles injury, and Draymond Green put Rodney McGruder in a body bag after the Warriors beat the Pistons 118-91 on Saturday. Apparently the 5th year vet McGruder tried to get tough at the end of a blowout loss and the Warriors took exception to it and hilariously roasted McGruder after the game.
Rough look for McGruder getting told to fuck off by two future Hall of Famers, but that’s what you get for trying to act tough when you average five minutes a game.
7.) Robin Lopez vs. Mascots
Robin Lopez fucking hates mascots and nobody knows why.
6.) Nick Young vs. D’Angelo Russell
Another NBA feud involving the ladies but this one doesn’t involve a player banging his teammates significant other. Long story short back in 2016 D’Angelo Russell recorded Nick Young talking about cheating on 2016 famous rapper Iggy Azalea, who was engaged to Nick Young AKA Swaggy P at the time (2016 was wild). The video “somehow got leaked” the rest of the Lakers blamed Russell and froze him out and the Lakers sucked. Things apparently go so bad that the Lakers told Russell to get the fuck outta LA and traded him to the Brooklyn Nets in the offseason. I guess the lesson is never cross the great Swaggy P, king of Los Angeles.
5.) Charles Oakley vs. James Dolan
James Dolan, owner of the Knicks since 1999 and frontman of his band that he won’t shut up about since nobody cares, apparently forgot that Charles Oakley is one of the greatest Knicks of all-time when he had Oakley dragged out of Madison Square Garden in 2017.
Oakley was allegedly heckling the notoriously soft Dolan because the Knicks are garbage, but the only thing anyone can confirm that Oakley said was his name, Dolan. Dolan had security escort the former all-star out but not before Oakley reverted back to his playing days and got physical with the guards. Oakley was then banned from MSG for I guess not being nice to Dolan who should remember who he’s messing with, Charles Oakley will fucking kill you. This is basically LeBron vs. Courtside Karen, but if Karen was the owner of the team.
4.) Jimmy Butler vs. Everyone employed by the Timberwolves
This is my favorite feud because it’s the one that hurts me the most. Jimmy Butler, international friendly guy, was just minding his business in the NBA when the Minnesota Timberwolves, the team he played for, decided to suck, something they had been doing for 10+ years previously. In 2018 Butler had just led the Wolves to the playoffs for the first time since 2004 and things were finally looking up for those of us who are dumb enough to be Wolves fans in the first place. After a rocky offseason Butler quickly demanded that the Wolves trade him at the beginning of the 2018-19 season. Three weeks laters Butler had had enough and decided to blow the who thing wide open. First he showed up the practice for the first time since asking for a trade. Then he took the third stringers and took it straight to the starters, trash talking KAT and Wiggins mostly throughout. He then started yelling at everyone in the gym including General Manager Scott Layden telling him he fucking needs Butler and can’t win without him. Immediately after practice Butler sat down for an interview with Rachel Nichols and continued to blast Towns and Wiggins on ESPN. It was like Denzel at the end of Training Day except instead of Terry Crews and other scary guys who shot him, in Butler’s case it was Towns and Wiggins, who probably apologized to him and let him continue his demonic run with the Wolves. Butler finally got his wish in a trade that is still somehow screwing the Wolves over more than two years later, classic.
3.) Matt Barnes vs. Derek Fisher
Another classic edition of NBA teammates fucking each other’s wives. As a basketball fan growing up in the ’90s and 2000’s, the last guy you would think of fucking around with someone else’s wife would be Derek Fisher. He seemed so soft and likeable when he was winning championships with the Lakers, and you assumed all the sleazy stuff was for the megastars like Shaq and Kobe. Not so fast it as turns out that Fisher is a dog. He was getting it on with his former Laker teammate Matt Barnes’ wife when Fisher was the head coach for the Knicks. One of Barnes’ kids called him to say Fisher was there so Barnes allegedly drove 95-miles to kick some ass. They got into a fight and that was that. In hindsight Matt Barnes might be one of the toughest and crazies basketball players ever, maybe just maybe don’t bang his wife, pick someone weaker like Smush Parker.
2.) LeBron vs. Dan Gilbert
LeBron vs. Gilbert is a tale as old as time. Hometown franchise drafts the most famous NBA prospect of all-time. Famous prospect blossoms into best player in the league. Beloved organization does absulutely nothing to help player succeed. Famous player leaves for glitzy Miami on national TV without telling dumpy hometown team first. Hometown team owner gets butthurt and writes a really dumb letter and publishes it nationally saying his dumpy team will win way more championships than greatest player in leagues super team. Super Team wins championship like everyone thought they would while dumpy team takes an even bigger dump with one of the worst seasons of all-time while owner acts like a baby for years afterwards. It’s basically Beauty and the Beast but with Dan Gilbert as the Beast, but instead of learning about true love and not being an asshole, he just sits around looking at his flower while being a dick to his furniture for all eternity.
1.) Gilbert Arenas vs. Javaris Crittendon
Gilbert Arenas vs. Javaris Crittendon will go down in history as the one NBA feud that was .2 seconds away from during into an actual bloodbath in the locker room. It is the reason why the NBA can’t have real feuds and they have to take to the streets and talk trash to wannabe Atlanta influences who marry guys that look like Jim Irsay. No the Arenas/Crittendon duel is the best of the best of actually serious NBA beefs born out of the dumbest scenarios. It all started where all of the good duels in history started, a high stakes card game on the team plane. Arenas apparently pocketed some money ($1,100) that Crittendon thought he was owed and didn’t take kindly to the theft. Two days later when things hadn’t calmed down both brought guns to the team’s practice, Arenas had four unloaded guns while Crittendon pointed a loaded gun at Arenas’ head. Everyone fled the locker room and they eventually figured things out. Both Arenas and Crittendon were suspended for the rest of the season and it ruined their careers. Crittendon never played in the NBA again, partly because he sucked and Arenas was traded the next season and was out of the league before he turned 30. The Crazy part is Crittendon went and fucking killed someone in a gang related shooting and is serving 23 years in prison. This is the most insane feud in NBA history and could have escalated into a huge tragedy in the locker room.
Let this be a lesson to you, don’t piss of an NBA player because they will retaliate by fucking your wife or pointing a gun at you, pick your poison.
The NBA has made it’s living on somehow pairing all-time great players with some of its most functional and successful franchises: Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant and the Lakers, Larry Bird and the Celtics, and more recently Luka Doncic with the Mavericks, somehow it just seems to workout. Unfortunately for some of the biggest stars in the league, they aren’t lucky enough to get paired with a responsible franchise and end up toiling in mediocrity for most of their careers: Kevin Garnett with the Timberwolves had some years but largely struggled to stay relevant, Oscar Robertson with the Cincinnati Royals, and Anthony Davis with the Pelicans had a rough time for most of their careers. In today’s NBA as several stars team up with each other to form super teams there are plenty of superstar players who get screwed and are stuck trying to carry a hopeless franchise all by themselves. Here are the top five current NBA stars who are stuck on some really shitty teams.
Trae Young could have an amazing NBA career and go down as one of the legends of the league and will still mostly be known as the player the Hawks traded Luka Doncic for. That’s an insane statement since Young dropped 29.6 points per game and 9.3 assists and was voted in as an all-star starter last season as a 21-year-old. Unfortunately for Young he was drafted by the Hawks who have been one of the worst franchises since absolutely blowing the Doncic/Young trade in 2018. Young has led the Hawks to a 54-107 record so far in his young career. The Hawks swung for the fences this offseason signing Danilo Gallinari, Rajon Rondo, and Bogdan Bogdanvić to compliment their young core. Atlanta was the team that most NBA pundits saw taking a huge leap into the playoffs this season. That has not materialized so far as the Hawks sit in 10th place in the East at 5-7. After a hot 3-0 start Atlanta has dropped seven of its last nine games and Trae Young has struggled. Over the last nine games Young is averaging just 19.6 points per game on 34.2 percent shooting from the field and 20.4 percent from three. Some attribute Young’s rough patch to comments made by teammate and former friend John Collins who criticized how Trae Young runs the offense. Bad franchises find ways to screw good things up and now it seems like Atlanta’s two young stars are beefing and the Hawks may be more open to trading Collins. Perhaps the Hawks should have just stood pat at number three in the 2018 draft and taken the NBA’s number one boy Luka Doncic instead of making what will go down in history as one of the worst trades off all-time even if Young is a perennial all-star.
Another team that blew their chance at drafting Doncic, the Sacramento Kings tuck in right behind the Minnesota Timberwolves as the worst NBA franchise over the last decade and a half. The Kings haven’t made the playoffs since 2006, the longest active playoff drought in the league. Fox has blossomed into one of the better point guards in the NBA and should be leading a fast paced high flying Kings team that has the talent to compete for a play-in spot. Alas Sacramento is trash and it’s no wonder Lady Bird wanted to get out as fast as she could. Fox could do the same if the status quo in California’s capital doesn’t change soon. The Kings are so pathetic they have had not one but two fathers of players (including Fox’s) tweet about trading Marvin Bagley III. Fox is signed through the 2025-26 season so there’s no rush to put a winning product around him, and there are already signs of improvement. Sacramento capitalized off of the failures of 11 other teams who passed on Tyrese Haliburton in the 2020 NBA Draft. The combo guard from Iowa State is off to an impressive start to his career and looks like a perfect pair alongside Fox in the backcourt. If history has taught us anything though it is to be wary of the Kings, they will inevitably find a way to fuck things up in the saddest way possible.
The Bulls have been literal garbage since trading Jimmy Butler for Zach LaVine during the 2017 NBA Draft. Since that trade the six-time NBA Champions are 76-166, third worst in the league just ahead of the Knicks and Hawks. During that time LaVine has been arguably the best player in the league to not make and all-star appearance. The 2014 first round pick for the Timberwolves is averaging 23.6 points, 4.6 rebounds, and 4.2 assists per game in 160 games in the Windy City. LaVine has held up his end of the bargain, but the Bulls have completely failed to surround him with a competent supporting cast. The young core of LaVine, Coby White, Lauri Markkanen, Wendell Carter Jr., and Patrick Williams has loads of potential, but has yet to put together anything that resembles winning basketball. All five are 25-years-old or younger so there is plenty of time to right the ship, but LaVine’s contract runs out after the 2021-22 season so the clock is ticking to win some games before he walks in free agency.
At this point you just have to feel bad for Towns in Minnesota. The former first overall pick is one of the 10 most talented players in the league and has been absolutely wasted with one of the worst franchises in the four major sports. Towns has made the playoffs just once in his six seasons in the league, and that was all thanks to his best good friend Jimmy Butler in 2018. Aside from the best friends gang of Butler, Towns, and Andrew Wiggins getting douchebag swept by the top-seeded Houston Rockets in their lone playoff apperance, the Wolves are 118-203 since drafting Towns first overall out of Kentucky in 2015. Towns has done nearly everything asked of him in his still young career including winning Rookie of the Year in 2016, making two all-star teams and being selected to the All-NBA third team in 2018. The Wolves threw caution to the wind last year in a desperate attempt to build a winner in Minneapolis, and more importantly keep Towns happy, by trading Wiggins and a 2021 first round pick to the Warriors for Town’s actual best good friend D’Angelo Russell. The result of the trade hasn’t rocketed Minnesota into the playoff race like most fans were hoping. The Wolves are the worst team in the West at 3-8 and sport the second worst defense in the league. Somehow the silver lining of all of this turmoil is that Towns has been injured for most of the season missing six games with a dislocated wrist. Minnesota is 2-2 with Towns in the lineup and have looked like a competent team with him and have been absolute trash without him. More bad news for us Wolves fans as Towns has tested positive for COVID-19 and will sit out for the next several games. It’s a scary situation for Towns and his family who have already lost seven family members, including Towns’ mother Jacqueline, to COVID-19 in the past year. KAT still has three years left on his contract, but if the Wolves continue to flounder and they miss out on their first round pick this season it could be time to at least start opening up trade talks for the face of their franchise.
For the love of your man made gods somebody please get Bradley Beal as far away from Washington as possible. For most NBA fans it seems like Beal has been toiling away as a superstar in a hopeless situation for his entire career, but it might surprise most that the Wizards have only missed the playoffs for the last two seasons. In 2017 the Wizards were a team on the rise, the fourth seed in the East and John Wall was jumping on the scorers table after he hit a game winning three to beat the Celtics and force a game seven (that the Wizards lost) in the Eastern Conference Semifinals.
Things were looking up in D.C. ( at least on the basketball court, not for, you know, the country) but four years later and the Wizards are one of the most hapless franchises in the NBA. Beal is doing all he can to keep the Wizards from becoming the laughing stock of the league. The two-time all-star scored 60 points in a loss against the 76ers earlier this month and it’s starting to weigh on one of the best offensive players in the league. Beal has made remarks that he’s “pissed off” and the Wizards “can’t guard a parked car“, which is true, they have the 28th ranked defense in the league this season. The NBA’s leading scorer this season is on a 3-8 team and is now firmly on the trading block and even Wizards fans have to come to terms that it’s time for him to go.
It’s not all doom and gloom for these franchise cornerstones. As we’ve seen throughout history some all-time great players who start their career’s with a shitty franchise go on to leave them in the dust and win championships with another team. As previously mentioned Kevin Garnett spent 12 seasons trying to lift Minnesota to a title all by himself before eventually cracking and asking for a trade. Garnett was traded to the Celtics in 2007 and won his first and only championship of his career the next season. The Big O toiled away for 10 season in Cincinnati before finally teaming up with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to win a championship in his first season in Milwaukee in 1971. Are any of our current stars KG or Oscar? Two of the 25 best players in NBA history? Probably not but that doesn’t mean they can’t follow the same path and find glory somewhere else, it just takes one public trade request to get the ball rolling.
“The internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.”
Wise words from the patron saint of Dunkin’ Donuts Ben Affleck. The internet is now a place where people can share their NBA power rankings with a lot of unrelated Ben Affleck GIFs. Three weeks into the season and basically all of the NBA is 5-5, with a few standouts and several clunkers, much like Affleck’s career. But you know what the best part of my day is? It’s the ten seconds before the games begin because I let my self think the games might end and the Timberwolves won’t be losing, they just won. Now I don’t know much, but I do know that.
1.) Los Angeles Lakers
2.) Los Angeles Clippers
3.) Philadelphia 76ers
4.) Milwaukee Bucks
5.) Phoenix Suns
6.) Boston Celtics
7.) Indiana Pacers
8.) Brooklyn Nets
9.) Dallas Mavericks
10.) Utah Jazz
11.) Denver Nuggets
12.) Portland Trail Blazers
13.) Golden State Warriors
14.) Miami Heat
15.) Orlando Magic
16.) Atlanta Hawks
17.) San Antonio Spurs
18.) Houston Rockets
19.) New Orleans Pelicans
20.) Charlotte Hornets
21.) Oklahoma City Thunder
22.) New York Knicks
23.) Toronto Raptors
24.) Chicago Bulls
25.) Cleveland Cavaliers
26.) Sacramento Kings
27.) Memphis Grizzlies
28.) Washington Wizards
29.) Minnesota Timberwolves
30.) Detroit Pistons
The internet has given everyone in America a voice. For some reason, I decided to use that voice to bitch about Ben Affleck. Affleck, if you’re reading, you the bomb in Phantoms yo!
A week into 2021 the real world looks like it is going to be exactly like 2020, which is to say very very shitty, but thankfully the NBA is not the real world. The first two weeks of the 2020-21 NBA season are going exactly how people thought it would go. The Knicks are 5-3 lead by perennial MVP candidate Julius Randle, while the Raptors might actually be the worst team in the league. In the West the Suns are atop the early standings, and if the season ended today the Mavericks and Nuggets would miss the playoffs altogether. See, exactly like we all thought it would go down. In this topsy-turvey season there have been plenty of fun surprises, and sad disappointments across the league. Today we’re going to run through the top five most surprising players during the start of the season, and then we’ll lament the top five most disappointing players to begin 2021. So sit back, get excited, and most importantly remain indoors.
Surprising
1.) Julius Randle, New York Knicks
Who had Julius Randle breaking out as a legitimate MVP candidate for the Knicks after the first eight games of the season? Be honest absolutely nobody saw this coming from the eighth year point forward. Randle looks like baby LeBron out there running the offense in the Garden. Randle is averaging 23.1 ppg, 12 rpg, and 7.4 apg in 38.6 minutes per game, all career highs, and has led the Knicks to a 5-3 record early on. New coach and NBA fashion icon Tom Thibodeau’s constant yelling from the sideline must be working for the first time since he coached the Bulls to 62 wins in 2011 (we don’t speak of his time in Minnesota). Julius Randle has always been a solid player with the post-Kobe Lakers and pre-Zion Pelicans, but after seven seasons in the NBA most people assumed we had seen everything the Kentucky product had to offer. In his eighth season Randle has, out of nowhere, become a point-forward under Thibodeau’s yelling. His 7.4 assists per game is more than twice his career average of 2.9. If he keeps it up Randle will be a frontrunner for most improved player in 2021. It is the Knicks so Spike Lee, if you’re reading, just brace yourself for the eventual collapse, we all know it’s coming.
2.) Collin Sexton, Cleveland Cavaliers
The leader of the SexLand backcourt sparked the Cavaliers to a 3-0 start this season and has looked like a bonafide all-star in his third season, and carried what many people thought might be the worst team in the league to a 5-4 record. The third-year guard is averaging a very efficient 25.1 on 53.1 percent from the field and 51.6 percent from three. After major struggles last year, the SexLand backcourt made up of Sexton and second-year point guard Darius Garland is thriving this season as Garland is also one of the most surprising players to start the year. The one missing piece for the Cavs is Kevin Love, not because he’s still an all-star, but because he completes Cleveland’s full sex lineup.
3.) Christian Wood, Houston Rockets
Speaking of sex lineup, Christian Wood might single-handedly keep James Harden in Houston if he continues to play the way he has to start the season. After a breakout season in 2020 in Detroit, Houston acquired Wood in a sign and trade with the Pistons and Wood signed a three-year $41 million contract. Wood has risen to the task of getting Harden to at least have to think about staying in Houston, becoming a potential all-star this season with 23.6 points and 10 rebounds per game. The Rockets have been a little slow out of the gate this season and are just 2-4, but Wood is exciting Rockets fans for another potential deep playoff run if they can keep Harden and Wood together all season. Even if Harden leaves Houston, Wood looks like he can be a franchise building block going forward and should keep the Rockets interesting with whoever they get back in a Harden trade. A list of players I would like to see traded for James Harden for the sake of a smooth transition are: either of LaMelo or Lonzo Ball, Devontae Cacok, Kevin Love, Rudy Gay, Nassir Little, or Shake Milton. Those are my terms.
4.) Jerami Grant, Detroit Pistons
Essentially Wood’s replacement in the Motor City, Jerami Grant has been the lone bright spot in a sea of troubles for the Detroit Pistons this season. The Pistons are probably the worst team in the league, but Grant is having a breakout season. The leading scorer for the Pistons is averaging 24 points and six rebounds in Detroit’s 1-7 start. He’s going to have to do even more since rookie Killian Hayes has been sidelined indefinitely with a hip injury. Grant looks great, but it is fair to say that he wouldn’t look as attractive if he was on any other team, a classic conundrum that I know all about cheering for guys like Al Jefferson, Kevin Love and Karl-Anthony Towns on a Timberwolves all these years.
5.) Jaylen Brown, Boston Celtics
It’s not surprising whatsoever that Jaylen Brown is playing well to start the season. Everyone knows he was playing at an all-star level last year, but he’s arguably been the best all-around players in the NBA this season. Brown is averaging 26.2 points, 5.4 rebounds, and 3.3 assists per game while shooting 54.7 percent from the field and 41.2 from three for the 6-3 Celtics. Brown looks like he’s finally taken the leap and should contend for at least second team All-NBA. Jayson Tatum is still their superstar, but Brown might be a much better sidekick than any of us thought he would be.
Disappointing
1.) Pascal Siakam, Toronto Raptors
At this time last year Siakam was playing his best basketball of his career, with a hot start in 2019-2020 propelling him to a third team All-NBA nod. Since play resumed inside the NBA Bubble in July, Siakam simply hasn’t been the same player. Last year he averaged 22.9 points per game and 7.3 rebounds, but dropped to 16.9 and 5.3 in the regular season bubble, and 17 and 7.5 in the playoffs. Siakam’s slow start to the season is one of the many reasons why the Raptors are 1-6 in the first two weeks, the second worst record in the league. The 26-year-old from Cameroon won Most Improved Player in 2019, was a candidate again last year, and was on the verge of becoming a superstar, but has completely regressed to start the season.
2.) Kelly Oubre, Golden State Warriors
Jesus Christ Kelly Oubre has been just about the worst player in the league to start the season. When Klay Thompson went down with an Achillies injury this offseason, the Warriors traded for Oubre hoping he could bolster the team’s wing depth and provide a spark in Thompson’s absence alongside fellow high flyer Andrew Wiggins. If Steph Curry and Thompson were the Splash Brothers during their dynasty run, Wiggins and especially Oubre have been the trash brothers in the Bay Area. In the first three games this season Oubre shot 7-40 from the field and 0-17 from three. Nobody in the history of the sport has had such a lopsided correlation between how many absolutely insane highlights he’s produced so far this season, while being the worst player in the league through two weeks.
3.) Jimmy Butler, Miami Heat
Butler’s struggles this season are probably mostly due to exhaustion rather than actual regression. Butler’s Heat had less than two months in between losing the NBA Finals to the Lakers, and opening the 2020-21 season against the Magic. Butler played his ass off in the finals, averaging 43 minutes and trying to single-handedly lead the Heat to a championship. Now Butler and the Heat are struggling in 2021. Miami is just 3-4 and Butler averaging just 13.8 points, 4.6 rebounds, and 4.6 assists per game on 40.7 percent shooting. He is seemingly managing his load as he’s missed two games already and is just getting 27.6 minutes per game. Butler is one of the best players in the league, but it’s possibly his heavy minutes under Tom Thibodeau in Chicago and that other place ( remember what we don’t talk about here) is finally catching up with the 31-year-old.
4.) Blake Griffin, Detroit Pistons
Blake Griffin’s quick decline this year is really more sad than it is disappointing. After playing just 18 games last season because of a knee injury. This year Griffin has been sapped of his most important traits in his athleticism and has turned into a spot up shooter. Griffin is attempting 7.8 threes per game, the most in his career. Griffin, who turns 32 in March is currently on the worst team in the league and will be name people bring up at the trade deadline. The one time human highlight reel has seemingly left his best basketball in the past, so lets not remember this Blake Griffin, lets remember the guy who jumped over a Kia and dated Kendall Jenner, that’s the Blake Griffin I’ll always remember.
5.) D’Angelo Russell, Minnesota Timberwolves
The Timberwolves have a knack for being really, soul crushingly, terrible in every way imaginable. Whether it be defense, coaching, shooting, or just plain old basketball, the Wolves have not been good in almost two decades and have had a revolving door of B-list stars coming through the Target Center doors since our one true savior Kevin Garnett left in 2007. Enter D’Angelo Russell, the second overall pick behind Karl-Anthony Towns in 2015, who was traded to Minnesota last February for D-list star Andrew Wiggins and Minnesota’s top three protected first round pick in 2021. Wolves fans imagined Russell perfecting the pick-and-roll with his good pal Towns, giving this era of wolves fans their version of KG and Stephon Marbury, and the Wolves would finally be cool, and more importantly they’d be good for the first time in a generation. Alas for they are the Timberwolves bad things have to happen, it’s the law. Towns injured his wrist in game two, and Russell has fucking sucked ever since. Minnesota has completely cratered without Towns and are in the midst of a horrifying six game losing streak that will seemingly go on forever. While Russell’s stats aren’t far off of where they’ve been the last few years, he’s shown he’s incapable of really impacting winning in any significant way during the skid. Russell was brought in to be the second star in Minnesota, played like a fourth role player, and the Wolves are going to tank and still lose their 2021 draft pick because we live in a random and chaotic universe.
There we go, this NBA season boys have become men, men have become wolves, and there have been a lot of strange things happening in 2021. Here’s to more surprises and fewer disappointments as we get into the meat of 2021, but most importantly, remain indoors.
What the hell are we doing here people? It’s four days into 2021 and we have to defend Steph Curry against people like this dumb fuck, are you kidding me? Dudes like this who would airball 10-10 NBA threes came out of the Twitter woodwork on Friday after Steph’s once dominant Warriors were destroyed at the hands of the Portland Trail Blazers, making me angrier than Tony Perkis just trying to shoot a god damn weight loss infomercial .
Damian Lillard piled more dirt on Steph’s grave with his postgame comments suggesting that Curry is struggling this season because he’s not getting the easy, wide open shots that he was accustomed to during the Warriors dynasty. Sobering words from the guy who is currently on the verge of taking Steph’s place as the new Steph Curry of the NBA.
Well the executive producer of Holey Moley read your dumbass tweets apparently (congratulations) because he went full Super Saiyan during Sunday night’s rematch going for a career high 62 points and blasted the Blazers 137-122.
The Steph slander mostly revolved around the oft quoted bad take that Chef Curry is the greatest shooter of all-time by far, but when it comes to true impact on the game, he’s much farther down the list and can’t ultimately be compared to the real greats like LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, and Allen Iverson of all people.
First of all, Iverson, really? Nobody was a bigger Iverson fan than 12-year-old me wearing Iverson’s Reebok Answer IVs and bricking 10+ shots a game, but he’s somewhere between the 35th and 60th best player of all-time, so he’s not even close to the Steph Curry conversation. People 5-10 years older than me bringing up AI in all-time conversations have the same energy as anyone 5-10 years younger than me arguing that Carmelo Anthony is actually one of the inner circle greatest players ever. Yea, sounds pretty dumb doesn’t it?
Next let’s look at Steph’s resume next to LeBron, Kobe, and I’ll throw in Durant to compare the four best wing players of their generations.
4x NBA Champion, 4x NBA MVP, 4x Finals MVP, 16x All-Star, 13x First Team All-NBA, 2x Second Team, 1x Third Team
A few things jump out here: Kobe and LeBron far outpace Curry and Durant in games played, which is why the counting stats like win shares and all-star appearances are so far ahead. The other is that Curry totally belongs in this conversation with these three absolute giants of NBA history in LeBron, Kobe, and Durant. Obviously LeBron is regarded as the first, or for most people, second best player in history with Kobe somewhere in the top 10, and both Durant and Curry not far behind.
One interesting note not seen in the stats is how interconnected these generational talents are. Steph Curry is the sole reason why Durant is a two-time champion, and also the reason why LeBron James is not a seven-time champion, while conversly, Durant and James are the reason why Curry did not win five championships in a row. Curry’s Warriors beat LeBron’s newly formed super team in Cleveland with Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love in 2015. Durant joined the 73-win Warriors who were fresh off of blowing a 3-1 lead to LeBron’s Cavs in the 2016 NBA Finals. Curry and Durant then teamed up for two of the most pre-ordained back-to-back championships in NBA history in 2017 and 2018. The next year the Warriors were once again the favorite the three-peat, and if not for Durant going down in game 5 of the 2019 Finals against the Raptors, Curry and Golden State could have been the first team to five-peat since Bill Russell’s ’60s Celtics teams. Curry is very arguably the most important player in the NBA in the past 10 years.
The really annoying part about some of the online trash being spewed about Steph’s legacy is that according to online numbskulls, Curry by himself doesn’t make a bad team good, as LeBron and Kobe and other greats would do. They’d take the crappy group of players on their back deep into the playoffs, something Curry apparently has proven that he can’t do, except that’s totally wrong.
Yes the Warriors sucked last year but apparently we all forgot that Curry broke his hand four games in and missed all but one game the rest of the season. So are we judging him because they were 1-3 in those four games with losses to the Clippers, OKC and Phoenix? Or the fact that the Warriors started this season 2-3 before his 62-point eruption? Is that what we’re doing now, saying an absolute baller has proven time and again that he is incapable of dragging a shitty team to a respectable record all by himself because he’s 3-6 the last two seasons? The Fucking Timberwolves were 10-8 last year before going 5-37 to end the season. Who gives a shit what anyone does in any nine game span, especially at the beginning of the season. Or, god forbid, does this argument hinge on the first three years of his career in which the Warriors won 26, 36, and 23 games respectively? If that’s the case we’re going to need a new internet because I will go full fucking Network on everyone’s online asses. Who fucking cares if Golden State struggled in his first three seasons, when he was struggling through injuries and was no where near his prime? Do we forget that Kobe lead the lakers to all of 34 wins the year after Shaq was traded? If the Warriors are 12-34 at some point in March and Steph looks terrible, ok yea maybe he was just a shooter all these years, until that happens let’s all shut the hell up and enjoy his greatness for one god damn minute.
Lastly any argument that begins with the phrase “well if he had come around 10 years earlier he wouldn’t jack up 12 threes a game, or if he was 10 years later people would be ready for the three-point barrage” are made by people who know nothing about basketball. Guess what assholes, Steph Curry was drafted in 2009, as a Timberwolves I’ll never forget it. You don’t get to play that hypothetical bullshit and assume he wouldn’t fit into another era, and therefore he’s not actually that good. This is like saying that if Michael Jordan was playing today he would suck because he couldn’t shoot threes, or Bill Russell would be a benchwarmer today because he was 6’9″. Not sure if we know this, but I’m sad to say that here in 2021, we don’t have fucking time machines so until it’s possible to pluck Bill Russell out of 1962 and put him on the current Washington Wizards and see if he’s actually a better player than Rui Hachimura, let’s leave these guys in their era and assume any hall of famer would adapt to play to the style of the time.
The 2021 NBA season is two weeks old and for the love of god can we wait a month until we make gigantic assumptions about the state of one of the two greatest players of his generation, and a top-15 player all-time? Nobody is saying he’s better than LeBron, Kobe, or even Durant, but god dammit if he isn’t well ahead of Allen Iverson you twats (had to get some British insults in here). If you think anyone has impacted the game more than Steph Curry over the last decade, then you truly haven’t been paying attention.
We’ve already been in the Upside Down for the better part of the last year, ever since Cats hit theaters (release the butthole cut you cowards) so why would we expect the first week of the 2020-21 NBA season to be any different. In a word, it’s been wonky. Here’s a short list of the craziest things that have happened this week: The Clippers were down by 50 at halftime, Collin Sexton, Andre Drummond, and Darius Garland are 1-3 in the MVP race, The Warriors are the new Knicks, and the most unbelievable of all is the Timberwolves can actually play defense. This is just a snippet of the insanity that has engulfed the start to the season after we already experience the weirdest offseason and the NBA bubble. With more questions than answers this year, there are a whole lot of overreactions to be had from a wild Christmas week. So here are the top five overreactions from the first seven days of the NBA season.
1.) Cleveland is actually really good
The 3-0 start for the Cavs is the most exciting thing to happen in Cleveland sports since the Browns beat the Jets on September 20th, 2018 for their first win in nearly two years. The upstart Cavaliers are undefeated to start the season behind surprisingly strong starts from Sexton, Drummond, and Garland. The Sexland backcourt has been fantastic so far after both young guards struggled last year. Lets bring Cleveland back down to Earth a little bit. First, their three wins were against the Hornets, Pistons, and 76ers who were on a back-to-back without Joel Embiid, not exactly a murderers row to begin the season. Shits about to get real for the Cavs in 2021 as they get another freebie against the Knicks, but then go on a six-game road trip against the Pacers on New Year’s Eve, the Hawks, the 3-0 Magic x2, Memphis, and then the Bucks. Cleveland could easily go from 3-0 to 4-6 in a matter of two weeks. There’s a chance this team is scrappy in the East and vies for a spot in the play-in tournament, but once they play real competition we’ll soon find out that Cleveland fans will have to rely on the Browns for their true playoff hopes, which is obviously sad.
2.) Signing Giannis to a supermax contract was a mistake
Giannis Antetokounmpo is the best thing to happen to Greece since Brad Pitt single-handedly beat the shit out of Eric Bana and won the Trojan War. The Greek Freak is the reigning back-to-back MVP and arguably the best player in the NBA. He also shook the pillars of the league earlier this month when he signed a five-year $228 million contract extension to stay in Milwaukee. This was maybe the greatest thing to ever happen to the Bucks, and they won a championship. Since he signed the Bucks have had a rough start the the season. Jayson Tatum called game with a last second banked in three over Giannis to send last year’s number one seed home with a loss on opening night. Then they dismantled the new Knicks, beating the Warriors by 39 in game two. On Sunday they lost to the actual Knicks by 20 points, falling to 1-2 on the young season. That’s a rough start for the best regular season team in the NBA the last two seasons. During the slow start Giannis hasn’t quite been himself. He’s still been great averaging 25.7 points and 13 rebounds per game, but he’s not the world beating Greek God that he was in his MVP seasons. Some might point the finger at his contract, saying that by signing the mega-deal the Bucks mortgaged their future for one player, who based on his performance to begin the season maybe isn’t actually worth it. Don’t be fooled by a slow start, Giannis is worth as much money as anyone wants to pay him. He’s the Patrick Mahomes of the NBA, and especially in small-market Milwaukee. As a Timberwolves fan I know what it’s like to never keep your star players and have no chance at signing any big time free agents, and Minneapolis is way cooler than Milwaukee. The Bucks did the right thing by keeping one of the biggest stars in the league in one of the most boring NBA cities for the next five years. Giannis will eventually regain his MVP form, and even if he doesn’t, what else are you going to do Milwaukee?
3.) The Nuggets will miss the playoffs
Before the season started I picked the Nuggets to finish third in the West, and had Jokic and Murray on the All-NBA Second and Third teams respectively. Jokic looks amazing so far and is averaging what would go down as the greatest triple double in league history with 24 points, 12 rebounds, and a mind fucking 14 assists. Murray on the other hand is capital S struggling. He’s shooting 39.5 percent and has just six assists in three games. The West is still the dominant conference and with a 1-2 start, maybe the Nuggets aren’t all they were cracked up to be. Luckily for Denver all is not lost just yet. One of their losses was to the Clippers, who even though they got killed by the Mavs are still one of the best teams in the league, so that loss is acceptable. The other is to the Kings on a crazy Buddy Hield overtime buzzer beating tip-in. They also beat James Soften and the actually pretty decent Houston Rockets. The D-Nugs are currently behind the Wolves, Spurs, Thunder, and Kings in the standings, which I’m very confident in saying will not be the case come the end of the season. Murray will get his head on straight and Denver will still be a problem in the West. Maybe not the third seed, but there’s no way this team misses the playoffs barring injury.
4.) LaMelo Ball is already a bust
The third Ball bro has been bruuuuuuuuuuuuuutal during his first three NBA games. LiAngelo’s less handsome brother threw up a goose egg in his first outing and is averaging just 6.3 points on 33.3 percent shooting. That’s very Malik Monk of you LaMelo, and it looks worse if you see what the two guys drafted ahead of him are doing at the start of the season. First overall pick Anthony Edwards, who also looked brutal in the preseason, has been arguably the best player for the Wolves this season and sparked them to a somewhat surprising 2-1 record. James Wiseman has been the lone bright spot for the new Knicks of Golden State. He’s shown a decent stroke, and is bullying people inside already and averaging 14.7 points per game and will get every opportunity to grow as it looks like their season is already over. There are a whole lot of scouts and other guys who claim to know what good basketball is who thought LaMelo would be way better than those two and be a star in Charlotte. Pretty much the exact opposite is happening in the first week so is LaMelo already a bust? No of course not, plenty of stars have had a rough go of it at the beginning of their careers. James Soften himself only scored 4.3 points per game over his first three NBA contests and shot just 29 percent. It will take time for a 19-year-old who last played a year ago in Australia to find his niche in this league, but don’t let a bad start fool you into thinking he’s a bust already.
5.) Houston should not trade James Harden
Speaking of the NBA party boy James Soften (Née Harden) he’s looked like the John Daly of the NBA, going straight from the strip club to the court and playing his round little ass off. His first two games have been exactly what you’ve come to expect out of the NBA’s four-time reigning scoring champ averaging 39 points per game so far. The beard is obviously still the best scorer in the game, and at 31 is still a top ten player in the league. Even with his tumultuous offseason in which he demanded a trade, didn’t show up for training camp, and single-handedly put every stripper in a three-state radius through college. So why would Houston even consider trading him when they can still ride him to pole position in the Southwest Division and compete in the Western Conference playoffs? Wouldn’t trading a huge superstar on a competitive team make absolutely no sense?
The Rockets absolutely should still trade him at their earliest convenience. Even with his outstanding performance over the first week, the Rockets are still 0-2 with huge concerns throughout the roster. Yes Christian Wood looks like he can be the second option on a playoff team, but we have no clue what this team really is. Thanks to COVID-19 and guys wanting a fresh cut on opening day, we haven’t even seen John Wall or DeMarcus Cousins on the court yet as they had to sit out due to contact tracing. They could be trash and this team headed for the gutter faster than Harden heading for a Vegas buffet. Harden will also leave in two years and, while you have time to figure it out, his value will only diminish the closer he gets to free agency. Harden is still one of the best players of this generation, but if you’re Houston, you really don’t want to see the rest of his career play out in one of your top notch gentlemen’s establishments.
This week in basketball has provided plenty of hot takes and spicy conversation around the league, but at the end of the day no NBA championship was won in the first three games of a season, plenty have been lost, but lets not overreact too much to what we’ve seen so far.
This is it, the long wait is finally over. It’s been 71 days since the Los Angeles Lakers hoisted the Larry O’Brien trophy in the NBA bubble. How have we survived this long without the NBA in our lives? Well even though we never thought it would ever come, the 2020-21 NBA season is finally here. This will be one of the most intriguing seasons in the history of the league. Will the Lakers repeat? How will Covid-19 effect play? Which stars returning from injury will have a bounce back season? How many times will I stay up until four in the morning only to watch the Timberwolves get blown out by the fucking Spurs? I cobbled together my predictions for the upcoming NBA season because why read what an expert has to say about this season when you can read some guy on the internet’s predictions instead. At least mine are free (fuck you ESPN+). So sit back, lower your expectations, and enjoy my halfway sober musings.
Eastern Conference Standings
1.) Milwaukee Bucks
WithGiannis resigning a huge five year $228 million dollar deal before the season begins the Bucks can finally focus on basketball. As a Wolves fan this is great news because Minnesota is a way cooler place for free agents to sign than fucking Milwaukee, for fans of the rest of the league this sucks. They all thought Giannis was going to sign with their team as a free agent next summer (sorry Charlotte, probably wasn’t going to happen). The Bucks also added Jrue Holliday and won’t have to deal with Eric Bledsoe totally falling apart in the playoffs. Milwaukee will be contenders as long as Giannis is there, and with Holliday they should be just as good if not better in the regular season than last year.
2.) Miami Heat
Miami was one of the top suitors who actually had a shot at getting Giannis in free agency. His signing ruins their plans for the long term, but this season the Heat will be even better than their finals squad from two months ago. They signed Bam Adebayo to a 5 year $163 million contract so he can finally afford Jimmy Butler’s coffee. Tyler Herro will take a leap in his second season and will team up with Duncan Robinson to form the greatest shooting backcourt since the Splash Brothers. Butler is arguably the toughest player in the NBA, and will finally get the superstar respect that he’s deserved for the last six years. Butler and Bam are going to beat the shit out of the rest of the East teams, while Herro and Robinson drain threes right in their face.
3.) Brooklyn Nets
Nets fans are already manifesting an NBA Championship for their team that has two superstars who have never shared the court together. Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving are either going to be the new Splash Brothers and lead Brooklyn to the franchise’s first title, or they’re going to fall off the face of the flat Earth and annoy the hell out of fans along the way. Championship or bust is probably the mantra this season because you can see either star wanting out of Brooklyn after about 30 games if they don’t like what’s going on. First year head coach Steve Nash will be the deciding factor. If he gets along with his stars and doesn’t try to change or limit them the Nets will be fine, but if he goes full Jim Boylen and installs a punch clock and acts like a high school coach, things will fall apart. The good thing for Nets fans is that Nash is probably the most chill guy in the world which leads me to believe they’ll be just fine.
4.) Boston Celtics
It’s going to be a make or break season for Boston’s youngish core. Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown are talented enough to keep Boston afloat in the East, but they will feel the loss of Gordon Hayward to the Hornets. Kemba Walker will also be sidelined for the first six-weeks of the season with a knee injury. That leaves the Celtics thin at point guard, and will have to rely on Brown, Marcus Smart, and fucking Jeff Teague in the backcourt. Boston made the conference finals last season and will need its youngest players to step up and play like veterans if they want to achieve their championship potential. Or… we call in Daniel Stern and Dan Aykroyd to come back and kidnap Jimmy Butler. If there is one thing I need to relay to the internet through this blog it’s that Celtic Pride two needs to happen.
5.) Philadelphia 76ers
Trusting the process has levelled off the last three years in Philadelphia causing a lot of commotion in the city of Brotherly Love this offseason. They fired the leader of the process Brett Brown and replaced him with Doc Rivers. The 76ers also hired former Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey to be the President of Basketball Operations. That is all fun but is it going to make the Joel Embiid Ben Simmons experiment work? Or are they just going to alter the process by trading Simmons for James Harden? The 76ers ceiling seems to be somewhere between third and fifth in the East and this year the conference is at its deepest in more than a decade. Is that high enough to keep Simmons and Embiid together to see if they can ride a hot streak in the playoffs and maybe make some noise, or is a second round exit the best these two will ever do together? This season I think the East has a clear top four, and a fairly clear next 4-5 teams that can really compete. The Sixers are the first team left out of the elite four who actually have a shot to make the finals.
6.) Toronto Raptors
The Raptors are probably going to be the most boring good team this season. Kyle Lowry is the ultimate no frills veteran, Fred VanVleet is probably a much more fun guy than Kawhi Leonard, but that’s not saying much, and Pascal Siakam might be one of the most frustrating borderline superstars in the league. Many people think that OG Anunoby will be one of the breakout players of the year, and as an Englishman myself I would love to see the British baller standout for more than his scarf game this season. Realistically Toronto probably doesn’t have enough juice to compete for a championship this year, but never count out Masai Ujiri, he could swing a massive move and keep this team contention.
7.) Washington Wizards
Washington made the splash of the shortened offseason by trading John Wall to Houston for Russell Westbrook. At their peak, Westbrook is a decent upgrade over Wall, and Wall hasn’t played in almost two years so the Wizards should get a shot in the arm right away. We’ll see how Westbrook meshes with Bradley Beal, but they should score a shit ton of points. The problem will come when Westbrook and Beal are off the court as the Wizards don’t have a lot of depth. Rui Hachimura is out for at least three weeks with conjunctivitis, forcing Washington to rely heavily on Deni Avdija, Davis Bertans, and Mortiz Wagner, which could be a fun euro-lineup, but likely will be a net minus on the court. The future of the franchise all rides on how far their two stars can carry them this year. Perhaps Westbrook and Beal click and can lead Washington to a five-seed, but mostly likely they’re much closer to the play in tournament.
8.) Indiana Pacers
The Pacers have a talented, deep roster that nabbed the fourth seed in the East last season. The question is does Indiana have enough elite talent to compete in a much deeper conference? The answer for me is no. Victor Oladipo has proven to be one of the best two-way players in the NBA, but last season after coming back from a leg injury, Oladipo didn’t look quite the same. He played much closer to a league average wing than an all-star. Domantas Sabonis is one of the better bigs in the league but how does he match-up against the Joel Embiid’s and Bam Adebayo’s of the world? Myles Turner and Malcolm Brogdan are nice pieces, but can they outduel the top seven teams that all have legitimate stars to take over in crunch time? T.J. Warren lit up the bubble, can he sustain that level of play? I like Indiana, they’re a nice team and in a usually watered down East, they’re almost a lock for a top five seed, but the East is deep this season and the team that I think gets pushed out is the Pacers.
9.) Atlanta Hawks
One of the sexiest most improved team picks this season, the Hawks were one of the busiest teams in the offseason. Atlanta signed Danilo Gallinari, Rajon Rondo, and sniped Bogdan Bodanovic out from under the Bucks. Pair their new assets with Trae Young, John Collins, and their second year wings and Atlanta should be one of the best offensive teams in the league. Unfortunately for the Hawks, their defense could also be described as offensive. Hopefully the sixth overall pick Onyeka Okongwu and Clint Capela will help change the culture, but they may have to score 140 points per game just to keep up with their opponents.
10.) Orlando Magic
Orlando always hangs around the bottom of the playoff standings in the East but will be pushed out of the race this season. Arguably their best piece Jonathan Isaac will miss the season after tearing his ACL. The rest of the roster is filled with a bunch of alright dudes who don’t really move the needle. Aaron Gordon is great in the dunk contest and a fine player overall, but is he really the future? He might be one of the prime candidates for a fresh start somewhere else in the middle of the season. Rookie Cole Anthony is already to coolest player on the team and is buddies with the legend Spike Lee, who if Anthony ever becomes a star in Orlando, should absolutely direct a Disney Movie. Other than that possibility, not much to get excited about for Magic fans this season.
11.) Chicago Bulls
The Bulls maybe made the best move of the offseason by firing the worst coach in the league by far, Jim Boylen. By all accounts, nobody liked him and he was a fucking dick who treated his players like they were coal miners punching in for a hard days work. That kind of hokey high school bullshit will never work in the NBA and the Bulls will automatically be better for it. New head coach Billy Donovan inherits not the worst lineup in the league. Zach LaVine is one of the best scorers in the NBA. Coby White, Wendell Carter Jr., Lauri Markkanen, and rookie Patrick Williams are all promising young players, and if any combination of them can take the next step and become a borderline star in the NBA, Chicago could push for a birth in the play-in tournament.
12.) Charlotte Hornets
LaVar Ball might finally get his one-on-one game against Michael Jordan since the Hornets drafted the third Ball bro LaMelo third overall in the draft. Unless LaMelo is the second coming of Jordan himself, this young Hornets team isn’t doing much this season, but it’s probably going to be super fun to watch. There’s a lot of young talent in Charlotte, but it might be a year or two too early to hope they can figure it out together. The Hornets will be a team to watch in the coming years, and if LaMelo can truly be the superstar that many scouts think he can, and Hayward cane cobble together a season that kind of resembles his game before his ankle injury, maybe they can make a run at the play-in tournament.
13.) Detroit Pistons
The Pistons are finally not the most boring team in the league. Blake Griffin coming back from an injury plagued season last year will electrify the fanbase, but I’m not sure that at 31 he’s ever going to be Lob City Blake again. Detroit will have their version of the French Connection this season in second year wing Sekou Doumbouya and rookie point guard Killian Hayes. Luckily for Pistons fans instead of smuggling heroin, these young guns should be providing some highlights in Detroit this season. While there is finally some young talent in the Motor City, the Pistons also made a ton of super weird decisions in free agency this season. Yes they signed (overpaid) for Jerami Grant, who should perform admirably in the front court, but then they signed Mason Plumlee and Jahlil Okafor, and drafted Isaiah Stewart this offseason which will prove to be impish roster moves this season. Once again the best players are Griffin, and 32-year-old Derrick Rose, which would be fantastic in 2012, but for 2021 it will be another sad-boy winter in Michigan this season.
14.) New York Knicks
Obi Toppin was a nice grab at the 8th pick in the draft, but does a core of Toppin, RJ Barrett, Mitchell Robinson, and Julius Randle really do anything for you? All I can hope for is a Succession season three storyline where Kendall Roy talks shit about James Dolan’s band and gets throw out of Madison Square Garden Charles Oakley style. I’ll end the Knicks section early since I don’t have anything nice to say about them.
15.) Cleveland Cavaliers
Since LeBron James left for the Lakers in 2018 the Cavs have done exactly what they did when James left for Miami in 2010, fucking sucked. Cleveland drafted guards Colin Sexton and Darius Garland in back to back drafts hoping for some Kyrie Irving magic once again. This time Sexton and Garland have been slow to show that they are actually good at basketball. Now they drafted Isaac Okoro who seems alright but is he a star, or do they just have another guy who can be alright but doesn’t move the needle. Legitimately forgot until writing this that Kevin Love is still in Cleveland. At least the Cavs can hope to win the lottery again next year and draft Cade Cunningham as their new LeBron 18 years after drafting the second greatest player of all-time.
Western Conference Standings
1.) Los Angeles Lakers
The reigning champs got better in the offseason acquiring Dennis Schroder, signing Montrezl Harrell and Marc Gasol which seems unfair. With LeBron and AD the Lakers are far better than any other team in the West. They’re arguably two of the top five players in the league right now, and prime AD is the best player that LeBron has ever played with (sorry 30-year-old Dwyane Wade). This duo should be the next great tandem in NBA history and, unless LeBron takes a nosedive in his year-36 season, they have a chance to possibly three-peat for the first time since the Shaq-Kobe Lakers in the early 2000s. The only thing that can knock them down will be injuries. If the two superstars stay healthy they can beat anyone and will be the favorite to win the NBA Championship.
2.) Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers locked up Paul George on a four year $190 million extension because who thinks it’s a bad idea to pay George $47 million when he’s 34 years old. With 30-year-old George and T-800, I mean Kawhi Leonard, the Clippers will contend this year and until Kawhi leaves LA in free agency to accomplish the impossible, win a championship in Minnesota. The Clippers were minutes away from facing their rivals from across the hallway in the Western Conference Finals in the Bubble, and then collapsed against the Nuggets. The Clippers also dropped Doc Rivers for Ty Lue who will help lead this team to the Western Conference Finals against the Lakers, where he will once again get stepped over (this time by Alex Caruso).
3.) Denver Nuggets
*Intense Jason Concepcion voice* A deeeeeeeeeeeeep run in the NBA Bubble and the emergence of Jamal Murray has a lot of NBA fans singing the praises of the Nuggets this season. Murray may have turned into a legitimate superstar in Disney World, and Nikola Jokic is the best basketball player who looks like he should not be good at any sports. Denver might have struck gold with the 14th pick in the 2018 Draft with Michael Porter Jr. They had to wait a year as he recovered from a back injury, but he was worth the wait and broke out in the bubble. The Nuggets showed a lot of grit in the playoffs last year, coming back from two 3-1 deficits until finally succumbing to the Lakers. The talent is there, and the offseason was so short that Jokic didn’t have time to get out of shape and won’t have to spend the first month of the season playing himself back into shape. Denver is a true contender to return to the conference finals.
4.) Dallas Mavericks
Luka Doncic is very close to being the best basketball player in the world and will give Dallas a chance to compete for a spot in the NBA Finals. The Slovenian sex symbol is the closest thing to Larry Bird the NBA has seen since Keith Van Horn, and when all is said and done, Doncic could be better than both (glad I live across an ocean from Boston). His Euro lifemate Kristaps Porzingis is the player that could really sink Dallas’ title hopes. If he stays healthy and puts up somewhere close to 20 points, ten rebounds, and two blocks, Dallas will be just fine, but if the unicorn limps through the season and looks like a shell of himself, Dallas will be an easy out in the playoffs. Luka has a chance to win the MVP and will lock up the award in his third season if he can lead the Mavericks to a high seed in the loaded Western Conference.
5.) Portland Trail Blazers
A disappointing regular season was masked by a bubble run that vaulted the Blazers into the 8-seed and a quick 4-1 first round exit at the hands of the eventual champion Lakers. Portland had a nice offseason adding Robert Covington, Enes Kanter, and Derrick Jones Jr. to a core of Damian Lillard, C.J. McCollum, Jusuf Nurkic, and Carmelo Anthony. Lillard is a dark horse to win the MVP this season, and if he can lead this team to a top-four seed in the West, that could actually happen. The return of Nurkic in the bubble energized the team, and you hope that he can continue to anchor the front court and keep them competitive in the playoff race. Some members of the media are higher on the Blazers, some think they may miss the playoffs entirely, I have them right in the middle as the fifth seed in the West.
6.) Utah Jazz
Utah disappointed in the Bubble after leading the Nuggets 3-1 in the first round, the Jazz fucking blew it and lost in seven games. They didn’t really do much in the offseason and finished sixth in the West last year, so sixth seems like a reasonable spot for them to finish this year too. Donovan Mitchell is going to continue playing at an all-star level, and Rudy Gobert, after becoming the unintentional face of the NBA Covid-19 season, signed a huge contract and will still be in the running for DPOY. Mike Conley can’t be much worse than he was last year, and Joe Ingles is one of the best bench players in the league. Utah isn’t the flashiest team in the league, but should have a good offense and one of the better defenses in the league and will be a steady team all season.
7.) Houston Rockets
James Harden, more like James soften am I right? Thicc boi James Harden is the talk of the league as the season gets underway as he has requested a trade out of Houston. Nobody knows where he’s going to end up, or when he’s going to get traded, but until a deal is made the Rockets will still be a playoff team. Harden matches up with former stars John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins in a Rockets lineup that would absolutely win the championship in 2015. We’ll see if the former Kentucky Wildcat teammates have any gas left in the tank after injuries have ravaged the primes of two of the brightest stars in the league. Houston is definitely the focus of the NBA as long as James Harden is partying with rappers and dropping 50 points on a daily basis. The franchise is in crisis mode, but will stay relevant until they cave and trade Harden for 30 cents on the dollar.
8.) Phoenix Suns
Phoenix’s 10-year playoff drought might finally be over this year with the addition of the point god himself Chris Paul. A Big three of 35-year-old Paul, Devin Booker, and Deandre Ayton is intriguing in the deep Western Conference. The Suns went 8-0 in the bubble and are hoping to take that momentum and turn it into sustained success that the fanbase needs desperately. Monty Williams is a capable coach to steer this team into the playoffs if the core can gel. The race for the 8th seed will be hotly contested in the Western Conference as there are probably eight teams with a legitimate chance to at least make it into the play in tournament. Phoenix has the top talent to beat most of the rest of those teams and should consider this season a disappointment if the Suns fail to make the playoffs again.
9.) Memphis Grizzlies
Ninth already seems too low for the upstart Grizzlies this season. Ja Morant legitimately seems like one of the best players in the league in year two. He’s looked unstoppable in the preseason (albeit mostly against the Timberwolves) and has a real chance to contend for a spot on an All-NBA team this season. Fellow burgeoning star Jaren Jackson is recovering from a torn meniscus, and will miss the start of the season. Jackson and Morant form one of the most exciting tandems of young talent in the league. Brandon Clarke is old as shit for a second year player (he’s just 24) but has shown that he can be a nice third complementary piece to Ja and triple J. Jonas Valanciunas is quietly one of the best maulers in the NBA, and Memphis boasts a deep bench. Youth might be the biggest strength and biggest weakness for this team. You should expect everyone to continue improving, but sometimes young teams have their growing pains. In all likelihood Memphis glides into the playoffs, but there are enough unknowns out west to push the young Grizzlies out of the postseason.
10.) New Orleans Pelicans
Zion Williamson has lost his crown as the thick king of the NBA (that crown belongs to James Harden) but is poised to become one of the best and most popular superstars in the NBA. Zion only played 24 games in his rookie season, but averaged 22.5 points and 6.3 rebounds. With his frame, injuries will always be a risk, but Zion is legitimately one of the best young players the NBA has seen in several years. Alongside Zion is the NBA’s most improved player Brandon Ingram, who himself is only 23-years-old creating one of the most tantalizing young duos in the league. Lonzo Ball provides a defensive punch in the backcourt, and the signing of Steven Adams bolsters a shallow front court behind Zion. Swapping Jrue Holliday for Eric Bledsoe and several future firsts and pick swaps won’t help this year, but the future is bright in New Orleans.
11.) Golden State Warriors
The Warriors’ championship window will always be open as long as they employ the producer of Holey Moley, but Steph Curry will have to hit a hole in one to get the Warriors back into contention this season. Golden State suffered a huge blow when Klay Thompson suffered an Achilles injury during a pickup game during the offseason. Their one hope to get back to the mountain top…fuck it’s Andrew Wiggins, they’ve got no shot.
12.) Minnesota Timberwolves
As a Wolves fan I always want to be super optimistic and hope that they can finally pull together and become a consistently competitive team, and as a Wolves fan I know it’s never actually going to happen. I always talk myself into it, this year it’s “oh well they have Towns, and Russell is really good, and Rubio, we like him, and maybe Anthony Edwards can be the next Donovan Mitchell, and Ryan Saunders is better than his dad was, and they should easily be the eighth seed and probably actually the sixth seed, and maybe they can surprise the Clippers in the first round, and Towns can go nuts and possibly make the second round and get lucky and it’s not out of the realm of possibility that they could make a conference finals”. Bullshit, halfway through the season I always have to call bullshit on my expectations. Since Kevin Garnett left to win a Championship in Boston and buy opals from Adam Sandler the Timberwolves have never lived up to expectations. Even the year they had Jimmy Butler, that team should have been the third seed and barely snuck into the playoffs. It’s never going to happen and this team is no different, at least for this season. Towns might be healthy, but he hasn’t shown that he can lead a team and create wins in his first five years, so why start now. Russell is a talented player, but does he really impact winning? Ask Laker, Nets, and Warriors fans the last five seasons, they are probably fond of him but are glad their franchises aren’t building a team around him. Rubio is more of a sentimental acquisition than actual playoff puzzle piece. Anthony Edwards may be talented, but will likely take a year or two or five to reach his full potential and won’t likely impact winning during his rookie year. Does this team have plenty of talent? Yes. Does this team excite me? Yes. Will this team inevitably take my optimism and shove it down my throat until I choke on my own fandom? Unavoidably yes.
13.) Sacramento Kings
The Kings truly have a solid base of young talent, but I have absolutely no faith that the Kings can actually tap into the talent and compete this season. De’Aaron Fox played at an all-star level last year around some nagging injuries. Marvin Bagley III has shown flashes of future stardom, but only played 13 games last year. Buddy Hield is one of the best shooters in the league, and rookie Tyrese Haliburton has a chance to be one of the best rookies in this year’s class. Sacramento’s talent trails off shortly after that and will cause problems when their starters are on the bench. Sacramento is in the same place it’s been for the better part of the decade; too good to get the top pick, but not good enough to actually compete for a playoff spot.
14.) San Antonio Spurs
San Antonio’s 20 plus year reign of terror in the West is finally over and it’s going to get ugly pretty fast. Their best players are either on the wrong side of 30 (Lamarcus Aldridge and Demar DeRozan), or Dejounte Murray and Derrick White, who are fine players but they’re not Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, or Manu Ginobili. Sorry Shea Serrano but this is probably the most boring team in the league and that includes Orlando and Cleveland (both the cities and teams). I can’t see Popovich coaching this mess passed this season. I guess that’s what you get for being a 20-year dynasty.
15.) Oklahoma City Thunder
OKC completely punted on this season by sending Chris Paul to Phoenix, Steven Adams to New Orleans, Dennis Schroder to the Lakers, and losing Danilo Gallinari to Atlanta in free agency. They’ve mortgaged the present for 17 future first round picks through 2026, and are in line for the top pick in the loaded 2020 draft. This team will absolutely suck this year, but will probably more closely resemble the 2012 finals team that feature Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and James Harden throughout the next decade plus.
NBA Finals
Los Angeles Lakers 4 Brooklyn Nets 3
Finals MVP: Anthony Davis
A Lot of this is riding on my belief that the Nets will somehow get James Harden. That trade seems a lot less inevitable than it did even just a week ago, but I believe that Brooklyn finds a third team to facilitate a better young piece to Houston while the Nets will part with Caris LaVert and Spencer Dinwiddie. The Lakers have the best one-two punch the NBA has see since Shaq and Kobe. While their depth is a question, LeBron and AD are enough to get the Lakers back-to-back championships for the first time since 2010. The Nets have the offensive firepower to contend with anyone with KD and Kyrie and will outgun the rest of the East in the playoffs. Unfortunately for Brooklyn, they’ll run into Anthony Davis, who I believe will have one of the best finals showings in recent history to secure finals MVP.
Awards
Executive of the Year
Sean Marks, Brooklyn Nets
This mostly hinges on Marks facilitating a trade for James Harden, but even if that trade doesn’t happen Marks should be in contention this season for pairing KD with Kyrie. The two superstars have yet to take the court together, but if things go right the front office will look pretty smart and get the accolades for it, even though it’s probably a year later than it should be.
Coach of the Year
Rick Carlisle, Dallas Mavericks
Carlisle won the award in 2002 as the Head Coach of the Detroit Pistons. This time he nabs Coach of the Year thanks to Luka Doncic. I think Luka is going to help carry the Mavericks to a top-four seed in the West and give them a real shot to make the Western Conference Finals. Carlisle is one of the best coaches in the league, and if the Mavericks win as many games as they did last year in just 72 games this year, he’s going to be a strong candidate.
Herro had a fantastic rookie season both on and off the court for the Miami Heat. He helped the Heat surprise the basketball world and make it to the NBA Finals. Herro will likely see his role expanded in his second season. The problem is there’s a very good chance that Herro could start for the Heat this season. I believe they need him to score off the bench and he will be the leader of the second unit and has a chance to push close to averaging 20 points a game.
Ayton has been pretty good during his first two seasons in the NBA, but the addition of Chris Paul is going to do wonders for his career. Nobody is ever going to forget that the Suns took Ayton instead of Luka Doncic, but that’s the Suns’ fault, not Ayton’s. The point god (and HGH) will help elevate Ayton to an all-star level center whose offense is already going to take off, and has show improvements on defense. I see him making the leap and possibly averaging 25 and 12 on a playoff team and becoming a bonafide star player in his third season.
The Knicks were one piece away from championship contention and went out and found their guy in the draft in Obi Toppin. Wait you’re telling me the Knicks were actually bad last year?
The Knicks suck, as you know, but the Toppin pick was actually pretty good. He’s the most NBA ready player in this class and he’ll contribute right away. The Knicks have some young talent with RJ Barrett and Mitchell Robinson, and Toppin should be able to complement them well. Don’t be surprised if he comes out and averages 16 points and seven rebounds, good stats for a rookie, but also don’t expect him to magically resurrect the Knicks anytime soon.
Davis finished second in the Defensive Player of the Year to Giannis last season. I believe there will be a lot of Giannis fatigue this season and Davis will slip in and fill the space. Playing alongside LeBron will only help his case as the Lakers will once again be one of the best defensive teams in the league. I have a lot of stock in AD this season and believe this is the season where he truly takes the mantle as the best player in the league. Problem for him is that won’t translate into an MVP because he plays with LeBron, which is why LeBron didn’t win the award last season.
The NBA’s number one boy has a chance to average a triple double this season and lead the Mavericks deep into the playoffs. He’s already the best playmaker in the NBA and is most often compared to Larry Bird. Doncic is only 21 years old and has the chance to become one of the best players in the history of the NBA. If Luka can add a three point shot to his arsenal, he’ll be completely unstoppable for the next 15 years. This year the Mavericks have enough firepower to compete in the loaded West, and if Kristaps Porzingis can get healthy, they have a real shot to at least get to the Western Conference Finals. Luka will be the face of the league sooner rather than later, and this will likely be the most important step into super stardom.
All-NBA First Team
Guard: Luka Doncic, Dallas Mavericks
Guard: Damian Lillard, Portland Trail Blazers
Center: Anthony Davis, Los Angeles Lakers
Forward: Giannis Antentokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks
Forward: Kevin Durant, Brooklyn Nets
Not a lot of surprises here except for that LeBron James isn’t present on the first team, and we’ll get to that shortly. I have high hopes that Kevin Durant will return to form after 18 months off while recovering from an achilles injury. We may have forgotten that before the injury, Durant was the best player in the league.
All-NBA Second Team
Guard: James Harden, Houston Rockets
Guard: Devin Booker, Phoenix Suns
Center: Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets
Forward: LeBron James, Los Angeles Lakers
Forward: Jimmy Butler, Miami Heat
LeBron James doesn’t fall off too far in his age-36 season. It will be the first time since 2007 that a healthy LeBron doesn’t make the first team. Second team is nothing to scoff at though as LeBron is in line to lead the Lakers to back-to-back championships. Devin Booker might be a reach here but he’s been so close to breaking through into the elite tier of NBA players and I think this is his year to finally make his mark on the league.
All-NBA Third Team
Guard: Bradley Beal, Washington Wizards
Guard: Jamal Murray, Denver Nuggets
Center: Bam Adebayo, Miami Heat
Forward: Kawhi Leonard, Los Angeles Clippers
Forward: Jayson Tatum, Boston Celtics
Jamal Murray gets a full head of steam going after his fantastic bubble performance and finally blows up this season. Murray averaged 26.5 points and shot 45.3 percent from three in the playoffs last season. If he can keep that up for the regular season for a top three seed he could skyrocket up and contend for a spot on the second team. Kawhi Leonard load manages his way all the way down to the third team. Honorable mentions include: Ja Morant, Zion Williamson, Joel Embiid, Ben Simmons, Russell Westbrook, Donovan Mitchell, Rudy Gobert, Kyrie Irving, Jaylen Brown.
All-Defensive First Team
Guard: Marcus Smart, Boston Celtics
Guard: Ben Simmons, Philadelphia 76ers
Center: Bam Adebayo, Miami Heat
Forward: Anthony Davis, Los Angeles Lakers
Forward: Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks
Getting a little wonky with positions because there shouldn’t be positions with these end-of-year teams but should be no real surprises here.
All-Defensive Second Team
Guard: Kris Dunn, Atlanta Hawks
Guard: Matisse Thybulle, Philadelphia 76ers
Center: Rudy Gobert, Utah Jazz
Forward: Kawhi Leonard, Los Angeles Clippers
Forward: Jimmy Butler, Miami Heat
Taking a big swing for the second team and projecting Dunn and Thybulle to make big leaps this season and become two of the best perimeter defenders in the NBA. Gobert could push for the first team but the Jazz might take a step back defensively this season. Kawhi and probably Butler to a point could push for first team recognition, but they’ll both probably manage their loads too much for the media to reward them with a first team slot.
